Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2019-25

This week has been seriously rough in the way of back pain. Can’t wait for my appointment with the OMT next month when I finally get all my joint realigned. Other than that, this week has been fairly good.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ June 16, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 1

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 3:30am – 6.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 9am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 9:45pm
  • refilled vape pen (mango 45mg) @ 10pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • corned beef with packaged rice and green beans

Today’s Feelings

  • sad
  • calm

Notes

  • tired of hearing that I’m too much
    • Iron Knight told me I’m not flexible in the ways he asks me to
      • so apparently everything else I do to make room for him in my life doesn’t count for anything
        • this is soul crushing
      • also said I’m too intense and draining because of my needs
        • also incredibly soul crushing
      • he believes he doesn’t ask for much and that he needs don’t require much energy…
        • I wouldn’t be so fucking drained all the time if this was true
          • I was mostly fine and balanced before we started dating
            • now I’m a wreck more often than not
              • so sure… give me reasons as to why it’s okay to take from me and not give back – like it’s my fault
                • one more red flag
  • Iron Knight came over for Father’s Day
    • I encouraged him to start scheduling space for himself in the name of self care after talking with him about how he was feeling – he needs it
      • with that said, explaining to him how scheduling space for himself works as self-care and why I realized that I haven’t been doing it for myself for awhile now and need to start doing it again it terms of “Mama Day”
        • yeah, I get space from him whenever he has his daughter or whenever he goes to hang out with his friends but I haven’t been taking time out from the boys or my parents
      • waiting until you’re drained means you’re bleeding out, which is why you should be making a point to fill your cup on a regular basis so that doesn’t happen
        • incidentally, this is why men typically seek out space for full days – they wait until they’ve reached bottom and society never taught them it’s bad to refill themselves the society has for women
          • so no, don’t shame them for this – instead I advocate that you start encouraging them to get space more often in smaller chunks AND that you do the same for yourself
          • this way you never reach bottom so the cup is always kept full and you’re able to meet each other’s needs
            • if you’re doing it this way it shouldn’t take days to fill up your cups – but it you’re bleeding out then you’re in crisis and it WILL take a long time to address the cup
    • he agreed to start scheduling time for himself and I’ve realized I need to start doing the same
  • Iron Knight surprised me with sex tonight
    • but he made a big deal about how he was doing it even though he was really tired but he wanted to meet my needs – which took away from the experience
      • I already knew how tired he was first off
      • it’s the same issue as him telling me how much he hates the deep conversations every time we have one
        • it’s like I’m being punished for having a need and I’m expected to feel grateful for it
          • no, it cuts deep and brings me down instead of being a kind gesture

Monday ~ June 17, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 6am – 8 hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 8am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 5pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 9pm (I know, too soon – fuck it)
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 9pm
  • refilled vape pen (mango 45mg) @ ?pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • leftover rice
  • 1 fresh pear

Today’s Feelings

  • calm
  • frustrated by evening

Notes

  • today is supposed to be one of Iron Knight’s days to himself but he’s already messaged me a few times now
    • I made a point to tell him that my mood and state of being isn’t all because of him and to always keep that in mind
      • I’m with the boys 24/7
      • my spine, ribs, and hips are out of alignment and I won’t be seeing anyone to fix that until July 15th (finally got the OMT appointment)
      • I’m around my parents 24/7
      • even if I have a self-care day, I will never get a break from any of my disorders – well, except the migraines – I don’t have those daily anymore
    • BUT even with that said, I still stand my ground with how a healthy relationship is supposed to work
  • Tuxedo Cat’s Special Olympics Team got tickets to see the Portland Seadogs play next weekend
    • each athlete was given four tickets – which I found out after I asked Iron Knight if he was willing to take Tuxedo Cat since I knew he likes baseball
      • I don’t think Little Bear would be able to handle sitting in the bleachers for an entire game and if he wanted to go, I don’t think Iron Knight would be able to handle him without me
        • so that leaves us short a ticket unless I am able to buy a fifth one because I can’t take two of the boys and leave the third behind
          • unless the older two go with Iron Knight and I do something else special with Little Bear better suited for him
            • that might work
  • still having problems with scheduled posts going up on time
  • why is it my parents need to be disapproving and nasty whenever I need to spend time in bed with a migraine?
    • seriously, Dad felt the need to make a big deal out of it every time one of the boys came downstairs for any reason

Tuesday ~ June 18, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 6am – 9 hours total
napped 3pm to 6pm – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • refilled vape pen (mango 45mg) @ 8pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 1 fresh pear
  • 2 corned beef on wheat

Today’s Feelings

  • blah

Notes

  • Iron Knight’s second day to himself for the space he said he needed
  • my therapist feels I have made great strides in personal growth
    • when she met me, I didn’t really have an idea of who I was or what I wanted in life – much less in what I wanted in a relationship
      • I do now
    • she confirmed that the only thing Iron Knight and I have struggled with is getting my needs met in the entire year we have been dating
      • she has met him, seen the way we communicate and feels that is one really good thing we have going for us
    • she understood my misgivings about giving him space
      • I’m worried that it will mean that I’ll be just giving him more of his needs and continue to not get my needs met
      • she felt having a time limit to see change was a good idea, but didn’t have any suggestions as to what was reasonable but did feel that if I were to set a deadline that I need to clearly let him know about it
        • so I guess I need to decide what is a reasonable amount of time to establish change and what is a reasonable amount of time to determine that change is sustainable and congruent
          • she also made it clear that it is perfectly reasonable for me to step out of the relationship if he is to ever go back to old habits
            • this was something that my ex-husband used to do: would make temporary changes to make me happy for a short time only to go back to doing whatever it was like nothing happened
          • they say it takes 28 days to make or break a habit…
            • so I think it’s reasonable to expect to see some kind of change no later than the end of July, or we’re done
            • complete change by the end of August, or we’re done
            • and by the end of September if he ever goes back to his old ways, we’re done
    • she was disappointed he turned down couples therapy
      • she felt there are things I could greatly benefit from it and it’s not her area of expertise
        • like why am I more stable when single but destabilize in a relationship – even now when I’m trying my best to practice healthy relationship habits?
          • is it something I’m doing I’m not aware of, something inherent to my collective disorders, in the choice of my partner, or a combination of all three?
            • for what it’s worth, I did read this afternoon that when shifting into the attachment phase, the brain’s serotonin levels naturally drops while other neurotransmitters increase
              • we already know that low levels of serotonin is somehow connected to depression
                • seriously, what would be the biological purpose in lowering these levels during the attachment phase?
                • we do know that romantic relationships activate the same areas of the brain that addiction does… maybe this has something to do with that process in a similar way that dopamine does?
                  • maybe dopamine has a stronger impact on the brain if your serotonin is low?
                    • I have no idea here, just guessing
                      • but really, biochemically, why else would your brain become addicted to a person?
              • since Bipolar disorder is already wonky with the levels of these chemicals, I’m wondering if this has something to do with my stability while in relationships
                • no, this doesn’t give either of us a free pass but it does mean I need to have a conversation with the med clinic
                  • what do they know about this and do I need a med adjustment?

Wednesday ~ June 19, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am, up at 8am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • refilled vape pen (mango 45mg) @ ?pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • baked chicken, mashed potatoes, carrots

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • Iron Knight came over for the night and he was in good spirits
    • we played Uno and Phase 10 together with Tuxedo Cat and Little bear while dinner was cooking
    • we watched “I Am Mother” after dinner
    • sexy time after the movie was very nice
  • he was very happy with the thermal black out curtains I bought for the bedroom
    • they are designed for migraine sufferers in mind and block out 99% of the light from coming into the room

Thursday ~ June 20, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: sleep at 3am (I think?), up at 9am – 6 hours total
napped 10am to 1pm – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 9am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 9am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 6pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • refilled vape pen (mango 45mg) @ ?pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • pork chops, German potato salad, succotash
  • popcorn and Twizzlers

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • paid for last night in spades I guess, woke up with my back in severe pain
    • couldn’t even get out of bed without having Biofreeze sprayed on it all along my spine
  • this meant that PT seriously sucked
  • Iron Knight came over tonight and we watched the first Alien movie – the extended director’s cut – with Little Bear, who sat through it from start to finish
    • he was far more interested in this movie than he was with any of the Predator movies
      • we plan to watch the rest with him soon
    • no sexy time though – my body just hurt way too much for that I’m afraid

Friday ~ June 21, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -2 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 6am – 7 hours total
I think I woke up every time I rolled over
napped 6pm to 10pm – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 10pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 10pm

Meals

  • 1 cups of coffee
  • 1 large glass of Pepsi
  • miso soup, salad, sushi
  • popcorn

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • back, ribs, left shoulder, and left hip are killing me – like someone pounded the crap out of me with a bat
  • Little Bear had a dental appointment followed by Scholar Owl’s med clinic appointment
    • Little Bear has been nothing but a big ball of high energy while I feel like a dead battery today
      • at least he’s been in a good mood in all of this

Saturday ~ June 22, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 5am, up at 11am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • set vape pen to charge @ 12:30am
  • AM meds forgotten
  • refilled vape pen (mango 45mg) @ 5pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • popcorn

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • rolled in bed this morning and something in my spine popped, the pain has lessened significantly since
  • Little Bear has discovered the joy of yard sales
    • I wish he hadn’t
      • he collects enough stuff on his own already
        • WHY did my dad bring him to one??!

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