This week has been seriously rough in the way of back pain. Can’t wait for my appointment with the OMT next month when I finally get all my joint realigned. Other than that, this week has been fairly good.
Mood Score Key:
Sliding Hypomania = 1 ~ Hypomania = 2 ~ Mania = 3 ~ Baseline (My Normal) = 0
Sliding Depression = -1 ~ Depression = -2 ~ Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State
Energy Score Key:
Low = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ High = 1
Irritation Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Anxiety Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Migraine Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A
Sleep Quality Score Key:
Bad = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ Great = 1
Special Notes for the Week
Menses Start Date: ~
Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~
Sunday ~ June 16, 2019
Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 1
Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 3:30am – 6.5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 9am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 9am
- 1 multivitamin @ 9am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm
- 600mg Ibuprofen @ 9:45pm
- refilled vape pen (mango 45mg) @ 10pm
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
- corned beef with packaged rice and green beans
Today’s Feelings
- sad
- calm
Notes
- tired of hearing that I’m too much
- Iron Knight told me I’m not flexible in the ways he asks me to
- so apparently everything else I do to make room for him in my life doesn’t count for anything
- this is soul crushing
- also said I’m too intense and draining because of my needs
- also incredibly soul crushing
- he believes he doesn’t ask for much and that he needs don’t require much energy…
- I wouldn’t be so fucking drained all the time if this was true
- I was mostly fine and balanced before we started dating
- now I’m a wreck more often than not
- so sure… give me reasons as to why it’s okay to take from me and not give back – like it’s my fault
- one more red flag
- so sure… give me reasons as to why it’s okay to take from me and not give back – like it’s my fault
- now I’m a wreck more often than not
- I was mostly fine and balanced before we started dating
- I wouldn’t be so fucking drained all the time if this was true
- so apparently everything else I do to make room for him in my life doesn’t count for anything
- Iron Knight told me I’m not flexible in the ways he asks me to
- Iron Knight came over for Father’s Day
- I encouraged him to start scheduling space for himself in the name of self care after talking with him about how he was feeling – he needs it
- with that said, explaining to him how scheduling space for himself works as self-care and why I realized that I haven’t been doing it for myself for awhile now and need to start doing it again it terms of “Mama Day”
- yeah, I get space from him whenever he has his daughter or whenever he goes to hang out with his friends but I haven’t been taking time out from the boys or my parents
- waiting until you’re drained means you’re bleeding out, which is why you should be making a point to fill your cup on a regular basis so that doesn’t happen
- incidentally, this is why men typically seek out space for full days – they wait until they’ve reached bottom and society never taught them it’s bad to refill themselves the society has for women
- so no, don’t shame them for this – instead I advocate that you start encouraging them to get space more often in smaller chunks AND that you do the same for yourself
- this way you never reach bottom so the cup is always kept full and you’re able to meet each other’s needs
- if you’re doing it this way it shouldn’t take days to fill up your cups – but it you’re bleeding out then you’re in crisis and it WILL take a long time to address the cup
- incidentally, this is why men typically seek out space for full days – they wait until they’ve reached bottom and society never taught them it’s bad to refill themselves the society has for women
- with that said, explaining to him how scheduling space for himself works as self-care and why I realized that I haven’t been doing it for myself for awhile now and need to start doing it again it terms of “Mama Day”
- he agreed to start scheduling time for himself and I’ve realized I need to start doing the same
- I encouraged him to start scheduling space for himself in the name of self care after talking with him about how he was feeling – he needs it
- Iron Knight surprised me with sex tonight
- but he made a big deal about how he was doing it even though he was really tired but he wanted to meet my needs – which took away from the experience
- I already knew how tired he was first off
- it’s the same issue as him telling me how much he hates the deep conversations every time we have one
- it’s like I’m being punished for having a need and I’m expected to feel grateful for it
- no, it cuts deep and brings me down instead of being a kind gesture
- it’s like I’m being punished for having a need and I’m expected to feel grateful for it
- but he made a big deal about how he was doing it even though he was really tired but he wanted to meet my needs – which took away from the experience
Monday ~ June 17, 2019
Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1
Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 6am – 8 hours
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 600mg Ibuprofen @ 8am
- 600mg Ibuprofen @ 5pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
- 600mg Ibuprofen @ 9pm (I know, too soon – fuck it)
- 1000mg Tylenol @ 9pm
- refilled vape pen (mango 45mg) @ ?pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- leftover rice
- 1 fresh pear
Today’s Feelings
- calm
- frustrated by evening
Notes
- today is supposed to be one of Iron Knight’s days to himself but he’s already messaged me a few times now
- I made a point to tell him that my mood and state of being isn’t all because of him and to always keep that in mind
- I’m with the boys 24/7
- my spine, ribs, and hips are out of alignment and I won’t be seeing anyone to fix that until July 15th (finally got the OMT appointment)
- I’m around my parents 24/7
- even if I have a self-care day, I will never get a break from any of my disorders – well, except the migraines – I don’t have those daily anymore
- BUT even with that said, I still stand my ground with how a healthy relationship is supposed to work
- I made a point to tell him that my mood and state of being isn’t all because of him and to always keep that in mind
- Tuxedo Cat’s Special Olympics Team got tickets to see the Portland Seadogs play next weekend
- each athlete was given four tickets – which I found out after I asked Iron Knight if he was willing to take Tuxedo Cat since I knew he likes baseball
- I don’t think Little Bear would be able to handle sitting in the bleachers for an entire game and if he wanted to go, I don’t think Iron Knight would be able to handle him without me
- so that leaves us short a ticket unless I am able to buy a fifth one because I can’t take two of the boys and leave the third behind
- unless the older two go with Iron Knight and I do something else special with Little Bear better suited for him
- that might work
- unless the older two go with Iron Knight and I do something else special with Little Bear better suited for him
- so that leaves us short a ticket unless I am able to buy a fifth one because I can’t take two of the boys and leave the third behind
- I don’t think Little Bear would be able to handle sitting in the bleachers for an entire game and if he wanted to go, I don’t think Iron Knight would be able to handle him without me
- each athlete was given four tickets – which I found out after I asked Iron Knight if he was willing to take Tuxedo Cat since I knew he likes baseball
- still having problems with scheduled posts going up on time
- why is it my parents need to be disapproving and nasty whenever I need to spend time in bed with a migraine?
- seriously, Dad felt the need to make a big deal out of it every time one of the boys came downstairs for any reason
Tuesday ~ June 18, 2019
Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 6am – 9 hours total
napped 3pm to 6pm – 3 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
- refilled vape pen (mango 45mg) @ 8pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- 1 fresh pear
- 2 corned beef on wheat
Today’s Feelings
- blah
Notes
- Iron Knight’s second day to himself for the space he said he needed
- my therapist feels I have made great strides in personal growth
- when she met me, I didn’t really have an idea of who I was or what I wanted in life – much less in what I wanted in a relationship
- I do now
- she confirmed that the only thing Iron Knight and I have struggled with is getting my needs met in the entire year we have been dating
- she has met him, seen the way we communicate and feels that is one really good thing we have going for us
- she understood my misgivings about giving him space
- I’m worried that it will mean that I’ll be just giving him more of his needs and continue to not get my needs met
- she felt having a time limit to see change was a good idea, but didn’t have any suggestions as to what was reasonable but did feel that if I were to set a deadline that I need to clearly let him know about it
- so I guess I need to decide what is a reasonable amount of time to establish change and what is a reasonable amount of time to determine that change is sustainable and congruent
- she also made it clear that it is perfectly reasonable for me to step out of the relationship if he is to ever go back to old habits
- this was something that my ex-husband used to do: would make temporary changes to make me happy for a short time only to go back to doing whatever it was like nothing happened
- they say it takes 28 days to make or break a habit…
- so I think it’s reasonable to expect to see some kind of change no later than the end of July, or we’re done
- complete change by the end of August, or we’re done
- and by the end of September if he ever goes back to his old ways, we’re done
- she also made it clear that it is perfectly reasonable for me to step out of the relationship if he is to ever go back to old habits
- so I guess I need to decide what is a reasonable amount of time to establish change and what is a reasonable amount of time to determine that change is sustainable and congruent
- she was disappointed he turned down couples therapy
- she felt there are things I could greatly benefit from it and it’s not her area of expertise
- like why am I more stable when single but destabilize in a relationship – even now when I’m trying my best to practice healthy relationship habits?
- is it something I’m doing I’m not aware of, something inherent to my collective disorders, in the choice of my partner, or a combination of all three?
- for what it’s worth, I did read this afternoon that when shifting into the attachment phase, the brain’s serotonin levels naturally drops while other neurotransmitters increase
- we already know that low levels of serotonin is somehow connected to depression
- seriously, what would be the biological purpose in lowering these levels during the attachment phase?
- we do know that romantic relationships activate the same areas of the brain that addiction does… maybe this has something to do with that process in a similar way that dopamine does?
- maybe dopamine has a stronger impact on the brain if your serotonin is low?
- I have no idea here, just guessing
- but really, biochemically, why else would your brain become addicted to a person?
- I have no idea here, just guessing
- maybe dopamine has a stronger impact on the brain if your serotonin is low?
- since Bipolar disorder is already wonky with the levels of these chemicals, I’m wondering if this has something to do with my stability while in relationships
- no, this doesn’t give either of us a free pass but it does mean I need to have a conversation with the med clinic
- what do they know about this and do I need a med adjustment?
- no, this doesn’t give either of us a free pass but it does mean I need to have a conversation with the med clinic
- we already know that low levels of serotonin is somehow connected to depression
- for what it’s worth, I did read this afternoon that when shifting into the attachment phase, the brain’s serotonin levels naturally drops while other neurotransmitters increase
- is it something I’m doing I’m not aware of, something inherent to my collective disorders, in the choice of my partner, or a combination of all three?
- like why am I more stable when single but destabilize in a relationship – even now when I’m trying my best to practice healthy relationship habits?
- she felt there are things I could greatly benefit from it and it’s not her area of expertise
- when she met me, I didn’t really have an idea of who I was or what I wanted in life – much less in what I wanted in a relationship
Wednesday ~ June 19, 2019
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am, up at 8am – 4 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- refilled vape pen (mango 45mg) @ ?pm
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
- baked chicken, mashed potatoes, carrots
Today’s Feelings
- content
Notes
- Iron Knight came over for the night and he was in good spirits
- we played Uno and Phase 10 together with Tuxedo Cat and Little bear while dinner was cooking
- we watched “I Am Mother” after dinner
- sexy time after the movie was very nice
- he was very happy with the thermal black out curtains I bought for the bedroom
- they are designed for migraine sufferers in mind and block out 99% of the light from coming into the room
Thursday ~ June 20, 2019
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: sleep at 3am (I think?), up at 9am – 6 hours total
napped 10am to 1pm – 3 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 9am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 9am
- 1 multivitamin @ 9am
- 600mg Ibuprofen @ 9am
- 600mg Ibuprofen @ 6pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- refilled vape pen (mango 45mg) @ ?pm
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
- pork chops, German potato salad, succotash
- popcorn and Twizzlers
Today’s Feelings
- content
Notes
- paid for last night in spades I guess, woke up with my back in severe pain
- couldn’t even get out of bed without having Biofreeze sprayed on it all along my spine
- this meant that PT seriously sucked
- Iron Knight came over tonight and we watched the first Alien movie – the extended director’s cut – with Little Bear, who sat through it from start to finish
- he was far more interested in this movie than he was with any of the Predator movies
- we plan to watch the rest with him soon
- no sexy time though – my body just hurt way too much for that I’m afraid
- he was far more interested in this movie than he was with any of the Predator movies
Friday ~ June 21, 2019
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -2 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 6am – 7 hours total
I think I woke up every time I rolled over
napped 6pm to 10pm – 4 hours total
Sleep Quality: -1
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 10pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 10pm
Meals
- 1 cups of coffee
- 1 large glass of Pepsi
- miso soup, salad, sushi
- popcorn
Today’s Feelings
- content
Notes
- back, ribs, left shoulder, and left hip are killing me – like someone pounded the crap out of me with a bat
- Little Bear had a dental appointment followed by Scholar Owl’s med clinic appointment
- Little Bear has been nothing but a big ball of high energy while I feel like a dead battery today
- at least he’s been in a good mood in all of this
- Little Bear has been nothing but a big ball of high energy while I feel like a dead battery today
Saturday ~ June 22, 2019
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 5am, up at 11am – 6 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- set vape pen to charge @ 12:30am
- AM meds forgotten
- refilled vape pen (mango 45mg) @ 5pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- popcorn
Today’s Feelings
- content
Notes
- rolled in bed this morning and something in my spine popped, the pain has lessened significantly since
- Little Bear has discovered the joy of yard sales
- I wish he hadn’t
- he collects enough stuff on his own already
- WHY did my dad bring him to one??!
- he collects enough stuff on his own already
- I wish he hadn’t