Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2019-26

I think I’m still experiencing a mild depressive episode or something. Doesn’t help knowing that my ex-husband is supposed to be visiting in two weeks. I just don’t feel like myself at all lately.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ June 23, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours of sleep

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 2pm
  • PM meds forgotten

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 12oz. hard cider
  • hamburger on bun, pulled BBQ chicken on bun, coleslaw, ice cream cookie sandwich, popcorn

Today’s Feelings

  • content, but mildly overloaded

Notes

  • so according to our Special Olympics team coach, the tickets came from the state office – once the summer event is over an email goes out every year and the coaches have a very short window to sign their teams up for this
    • these are the picnic area tickets with an all-you-can-eat lunch
    • our coach said this was the third time our team has gone
    • we arrived there to be greeted by the staff waiting for us and that whole area was marked off as “Special Olympics Maine Day”
    • the boys handled it well – even Little Bear
      • I just didn’t get to do much sitting and watching of the game
        • if we ever go again, I think Little Bear and I will stay in the picnic area and I will try to bring more stuff for him to do
      • Tuxedo Cat told my dad he had a good time
        • which is the most he said about the day, the entire day
      • Scholar Owl said he thinks baseball is a bit boring (but heaven forbid if you got in his way of watching it)
        • he was totally ready to be home by the end of the day
  • and of course, by the time we got home Little Bear just had to run over next door to check out that damn yard sale
    • like it might have something new it didn’t have the day before
    • am I the only person in the world that does not get excited about these things?

Monday ~ June 24, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 25mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • refilled vape pen (mango 45mg) @ 8pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • fish, German potato salad, watermelon, green salad, succotash

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • filled med box this morning
    • need refills
    • short one 50mg Topamax pill for some reason
      • didn’t think I had dropped any so I don’t know if it was a miscount to start with or what
        • far as I know, this is the only time it’s happened to me
  • Iron Knight came over and watched Aliens with Little Bear and me
    • we watched the extended version
      • Iron Knight and I were pleased with this version
      • added context to many scenes
    • Little Bear was very excited to see more alien creatures in this movie
  • the sex afterwards was nice

Tuesday ~ June 25, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 6am – 8 hours total
napped 1pm to 4pm – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • set vape pen to recharge @ 1pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 2 leftover pork chops
  • leftover corned beef on French bread

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • Therapy Tuesday
    • fire drill during my session today
      • told her in all my years being a patient here, this was the first time I’ve seen a fire drill but my son as seen one while in-patient
        • asked Little Bear about it when I got home and he told me that he was the one that pulled the alarm – figures
    • she is happy that things seem to be getting better between Iron Knight and I for now
      • she also told me that I need to give positive feedback when I’m happy about something
        • especially if I don’t want to be like my parents
  • Iron Knight and I watched the last two Alien movies with Little Bear
    • Little Bear didn’t seem to be as impressed with them as he was with the first two
  • been dealing with some weird brain fog all day

Wednesday ~ June 26, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • out of Topamax
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 6:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 6:30am
  • refilled vape pen (mango 45mg) @ 9:45am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • lasagna, salad, French bread

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • yesterday’s scheduled posts did not go up at all – had to manually publish them this morning which seriously pisses me off that this is happening so often
    • what the hell am I paying WordPress a business account for?
  • more weird brain fog right from the get go this morning
    • seriously, it’s like my body isn’t here or the world isn’t real half the time
      • ALL FUCKING DAY LONG
  • physical therapy for me at 8am after dropping Iron Knight off at work
    • first pool day and before the afternoon rolled around, I was paying for it
  • Little Bear’s OT by the afternoon
    • didn’t go well, we had to leave early
  • picked up Iron Knight from work and picked up my med refills
    • he picked up a frozen lasagna for dinner too, only to be upset to learn it takes 2 hours to bake when it’s frozen and that you can’t microwave it to thaw out
      • which reminds me I need to resume my cooking lessons with the boys
  • Tuxedo Cat’s field trip with the drama club in the evening
  • Iron Knight and I started watching OA on Netflix while waiting for the lasagna to cook – I’ve seen the first part before
    • we ate after Tuxedo Cat got home and by then my joints ached too much and I was too tired for anything else
      • so much so, that the first time together, I turned down sex
        • my joints hurt bad enough that I had the chills and I just wanted to shutdown
          • it’s not the sleepy tired I felt and I know there are spoonies out there that know what I mean
          • it’s a tired no amount of coffee can help with
            • like drink a whole pot of it, and still black out
          • usually I’m like this only with migraines
        • besides, hearing him say before we picked up Tuxedo Cat that he should tonight because he won’t be there tomorrow killed what little bit of mood I had
          • I now felt like an obligation rather than someone he loves and desires
        • and of course his response was to focus on how he understands what it’s like to be too tired for sex when that wasn’t it at all
          • not too tired – in too much pain
  • I believe since Sunday or Monday, Iron Knight has been commenting that I haven’t been myself lately
    • is he saying this because my limerence is gone?
    • is he saying this because of the brain fog?
      • or is it really disassociation?
        • I’ve been wondering this the last two days since time doesn’t seem to be functioning the way I think it should be in the last week or so
          • the clock moves horrendously too slow or terrifyingly too fast
            • makes me wonder how my sister tells time with her body
        • I know this is be a new side of me for him
          • I didn’t use to be like this
    • I feel disconnected – not right

Thursday ~ June 27, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape pen (mango 45mg) @ 10am
  • set vape pen to recharge @ 4:45pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • green salad, 2 fried eggs, French bread
  • popcorn and Twizzlers

Today’s Feelings

  • imbalanced
  • restricted

Notes

  • I brought up the comment he made last night this morning before taking him to work and how it made me feel like an obligation
    • he stated that I don’t know when he’s joking
      • first, I pointed out that joking or not, it hurt
      • second, I later pointed out that I’ve known him for years and he’s always been the class clown and the way he made his comment last night was not the same as when he’s joking around
        • he didn’t have the smile in his eyes – the wrinkling grin he gets around them the way he does when he’s just having fun
        • his face was more like the way he gets when he’s talking about his friend’s wife and my son – or anything dealing with his ex
          • very serious, thoughtful, tense, and worried
            • the mouth is pulled down, eyes and brow are pinched, and there’s no hint of a smile anywhere
            • shoulders and torso are tense – like the body is prepared to turn away or block
            • seriously, people don’t realize how much they say with their body alone
          • pensive is the word I would use to describe the body language and tone when he made that comment, not humor
            • so yes, I can tell the difference
      • third, we talked about why I get upset when my parents joke around
        • they use humor as a weapon – it’s a form of passive-aggression
          • caustic, biting sarcasm is a thing and it’s never okay 
          • true humor – honest humor? has an openness to it, it invites fun and closeness
          • in all honesty, sarcasm does not do that by definition
            • sarcasm, by definition, is intended to hurt the target for the amusement of others
              • in fact, the root meaning of the word is “to tear flesh like a dog”
                • why do we behave like this?
                • by definition, this is an act of bullying and abuse
    • yes, I am well aware that I can be just as guilty of it
      • call me out on that shit if I hurt your feelings
        • hold me accountable
        • I’d like to believe I don’t do that anymore, but I also know that it can be an instinctive thing when angry or hurt
          • doesn’t make it any less toxic
  • Little Bear’s dentist appointment
  • by end of day I felt drained, empty, and completely burnt out
    • this entire week has felt like a long string of endless Mondays and errands and driving and housework that just keeps piling up
      • I seriously need to crack down and make the boys pick up some of the burden here – I can’t continue to carry all of this on my own anymore
        • two of them know how to cook already
        • ALL of them know how to clean
        • and they can start doing laundry
        • seriously… fuck this shit, I can’t do all this if I’m driving all day
  • Iron Knight spent the evening with his friend, but said he will see me tomorrow
  • watched the second season of Aggretsuko with Little Bear
    • surprised me that he enjoyed it as much as he did
    • worth every second – seriously, if you haven’t watched it yet, you need to

Friday ~ June 28, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape pen (mango 45mg) @ 6:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 4 fried eggs, 2 slices of buttered wheat toast

Today’s Feelings

  • disrupted, disappointed, frustrated, angry

Notes

  • listened to my parents fight first thing this morning over whether or not last year they had planned to work on the downstairs part of the house during this summer
    • I honestly thought they had…?
      • Mom apparently thinks they hadn’t…?
      • Dad is seriously pissed because they talked about it all winter…
        • I know they did because I was there for a lot of that and peeved because it meant my storage shed is likely not going to get built still even though I had already paid for it and the materials had been purchased for it, which means I’m not getting my money back
          • like ever – story of my life
  • Iron Knight contacted me this morning to inform me of a change in plans that he won’t be coming over tonight since he told his daughter that she could come over to spend the night
    • I was disappointed, but not upset, UNTIL he tried to tell me he didn’t remember that he made plans to come over tonight
      • if he didn’t remember that, why the fuck would he make the effort to let me know about the change in plans in the first place?!
        • said he would start keeping track of plans on his phone
          • I have conflicted feelings about this since this isn’t the first time he’s told me he doesn’t remember telling me
  • Iron Knight says he’ll be coming over tomorrow night
  • med clinic for Little Bear
    • the new doctor said he has sub-clinical levels going on with his thyroid and has been for awhile now
      • why hasn’t anyone mentioned this before?
      • thyroid problems can cause psychosis

        • and sleep problems, and weight problems, and appetite problems
          • the psych meds he’s on took care of his mood and psychosis, but not the rest of it
            • before Seroquel, he wasn’t really eating anything
              • now he seems to be doing a lot of binging
            • and sleep has ALWAYS been out of whack
      • I need to take him to our PCP to discuss this and go over his lab work
        • like how serious is this?
        • the way this doctor talked, this has been going on since before he started the Seroquel
        • my grandmother is on thyroid meds and when she is off them, she hallucinates like crazy BUT whenever they put her on an anti-psychotic, she gets dramatically worse
          • this isn’t the case for Little Bear concerning the anti-psychotic
            • so does his thyroid just need to be watched for now, or should we be proactive?
            • and is this why they watched my thyroid like crazy up until I had kids and my weight stabilized?
              • seriously, I had blood work yearly from puberty until Scholar Owl was born just for that alone
  • my bedroom hit 90 degrees Fahrenheit this evening, Dad finally let us put fans in the bedroom windows
    • he commented that I looked washed out when I came down to use the bathroom and I said it was deathly hot up there (which is a big deal coming from me)
      • when I came back upstairs, I found fans on the floor waiting for me so I put them in and told the boys to keep the doors open to create a cross breeze
        • yes, we have air conditioners but the boys tend to go crazy with them and set them way too high and leave them on all the time

Saturday ~ June 29, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 10am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • slept way past AM med time and then forgot them
  • refilled vape pen (mango 45mg) @ 3:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • fried chicken, salad, and succotash

Today’s Feelings

  • content
  • ambivalent

Notes

  • woke up briefly from a dream early this morning
    • my father was yelling at my brother’s kids in the city street (some place we don’t live) and he threw some paper thing into a hole in the gutter that belonged to one of them – lord knows why
      • and I’ll be damned if I know why the gutter’s drain was big enough for a child to go into, but of course of them dove after it and of course my dad was struggling to keep him from falling in
        • and all I could do in this dream was stand there, in shock, and watch before I woke up as he was slipping from my dad’s grip
          • why the fuck did I have this dream?
  • the fans are helping greatly I think – the rooms up here are below 80 now at least
  • watched the rest of the first season of OA with Iron Knight after dinner, started the second season
    • he didn’t kiss me the entire night until we crawled into bed for sleep

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