Toad’s Weekly Assessment 2019-28

This week mostly sucked. I can’t keep going on like this. Something has to change.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ July 07, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11:30pm night before, up at 6am – 6.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape pen (blue raspberry 35mg) @ 5:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • canned ravioli

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • ex-husband is supposed to be arriving to visit sometime this week
  • refilled my med box
  • Little Bear’s med refill order has not arrived in the mail yet, starting to get worried
  • worked on the Minecraft project map some more today
  • Iron Knight won’t be over tonight since he has his daughter an extra night
  • ex-husband called at 7pm to let me know he is in the state

Monday ~ July 08, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 12:30am, up at 6:30am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

Notes

  • Little Bear’s med order hasn’t come in because come to find out, his father’s medical coverage has him as no longer covered for some reason as of June 5th once again so his father will need to correct it – AGAIN
    • had to request an emergency fill
    • no idea why the company keeps dropping him the way they do, but it’s getting really old
  • the evening with Iron Knight went badly – really bad
    • put the moves on me in bed only to derail into a conversation about his ex after we got started and then everything slid into a 4 hour dark rabbit hole of guilt and shame on both sides after that
      • this included getting a lecture from him about what I should be doing with Little Bear’s visitation even though the visitation order was written by my ex-husband’s lawyer the way it was for a reason
        • I didn’t have a lawyer for the divorce so it’s not my fault the order isn’t the way my ex wanted it
        • it’s set up the way it is precisely because of Little Bear’s condition
          • he has a history of repeated psychotic episodes
          • he has a history of repeated violent episodes
          • he has a history of repeated elopements
          • he has a history of repeated suicide attempts
            • ALL of which began LONG BEFORE my ex-husband ever filed for divorce
            • all of which is well documented both in his medical and school files
        • I get to keep custody because I have immediate family members that work in the medical field (both as psych and first responder) that either live with us or within 15 minutes of our home, while my ex-husband doesn’t
          • plus this is where Little Bear has lived his entire life
            • so he keeps his school staff and medical care team
        • so to deviate now from the visitation order without anything in writing sets me up for all kinds of shit
          • the visitation order says no overnights outside a 70 mile radius of Little Bear’s home, so if I allow that anyway and something happens to our son it’s MY ASS legally at that point
            • especially since it was written the way it was due to his condition
              • so no, don’t fucking tell me what I should or shouldn’t be doing with a fucking court order that you legally have no say in

Tuesday ~ July 09, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 1h

Hours of Sleep: bed at 5am, up at 8am – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • meds forgotten
  • refilled vape pen (blue raspberry 35mg) @ 6:30pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 1 bottle of iced coffee
  • popcorn

Today’s Feelings

  • fucked if I know – I’m a wreck though

Notes

  • ex-husband picked up Little Bear for the day first thing this morning
  • dropped Iron Knight off at the lab so he could get tested for diabetes
    • he’s supposed to get the results at the end of the day
  • went to the hospital with Scholar Owl for his transition appointment and my therapy appointment
  • Little Bear’s med order still isn’t in yet and I’m completely out of his meds here at home at this point
  • Iron Knight won’t be coming over tonight
    • stuff to do, people to see… no time for me
      • seriously, he asked me how things went and then was barely paying attention when I started to tell him about it and then when I called him out on it he was like, “I don’t have time to chat right now” and said he was reading the link he said a little bit ago that he would read later
        • then why the fuck ask me?!
          • I guess “later” actually meant now while he was waiting for his ride to work?
    • so I didn’t even get to talk about the important revelation I had during therapy:
      • how do I support him and his anxiety without it feeding into my anxiety and thus triggering my paranoia?
        • I messaged him, asking him to let me know when he was available to talk about it and he messaged back saying he didn’t know when that will be
        • that was at 3:40pm and the longer I wait, the less important it feels that I talk to him about it at all
          • why the fuck bother?
          • it got mentioned, but not explored and somehow things went south in the process down into an argument
  • I feel I have become toxic

Wednesday ~ July 10, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 1

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 5am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed
  • refilled vape pen (blue raspberry 35mg) @ 9:30am
  • refilled vape pen (blue raspberry 35mg) @ 8pm
  • PM meds missed

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 2 12oz. bottles of hard cider

Today’s Feelings

  • disrupted, unfulfilled, and malcontent this morning

Notes

  • another argument this morning with Iron Knight and he barely spoke to me this afternoon when I picked him up to take him to work
    • he only spoke regarding coordination of rides and work, the rest of the ride was silence
    • don’t know what I’m doing anymore other than losing my mind
    • just want to crawl into a hole and die
  • meanwhile, ex-husband is being disgustingly pleasant and extra nice
    • like, to the nines
    • seriously, just like old times when he was taking a break from cheating on me
    • as if I don’t know what this is?
      • and why the fuck is this even getting under my skin like this?
        • let him rot without the attention
          • he had his chances and burned them all away
  • Little Bear’s meds FINALLY taken care of and picked up
  • went to pick up Iron Knight from work at 6pm only to be told he was working late and that he now had a ride
    • said he’d be over later but he didn’t know when
      • came over at 9pm
      • sex was nice

Thursday ~ July 11, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 5am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 8am
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 9am
  • PM meds missed

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 4 fried eggs, 2 slices of buttered wheat toast
  • popcorn
  • 2 chicken burgers on buns, potato puffs

Today’s Feelings

  • defeated most of the day

Notes

  • my physical therapy today
    • which always leaves me feeling sore and beaten down after
    • at least it was a pool day
  • Little Bear had a rough day today
    • I had to restrain him to keep him from hurting himself or anyone else
      • my lower back and shoulders are wrenched
      • my leg is bruised
    • whatever happened between him and his father today kept happening while I wasn’t around to see it
      • and yes, I know this was it because my ex was the focus of his rage
  • Iron Knight asked me to pick him up to bring him over tonight
    • requested I take him to the store to pick up something for dinner even though I had something else prepped for dinner tonight
      • so I cooked what he wanted and said I will have to cook the chicken I thawed out tomorrow
        • this is when he mentions the Egg Festival tomorrow
          • his friend is playing and wants me to go
      • his fasting glucose labs came back normal
    • we play Scattergories for 2 hours after dinner because that’s what he wanted to do
    • and then after all that, he was too tired for sex
      • I am aware that I should be happy that he spent time with me at least
      • I am tired of accommodating for someone and not being accommodated in return
      • considering all the bullshit I deal with every day, I would like at least one person to love on me to balance the weight of it all

Friday ~ July 12, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 4:30am, bed at 4:35am, up at 6am – 7 hours total, roughly

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape pen (blue raspberry 35mg) @ 1:30pm
  • recharged vape pen @ 1:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • aggravated

Notes

  • I know Iron Knight thinks it’s obsessive that I document and track certain things – like the sex – but I got tired ages ago of being told my memory sucks and that I get plenty of whatever it is I need
    • so when you start telling me that we have sex plenty often enough, I start documenting it to see if it’s true
      • I went back as far as March through the mood trackers to see if I was full of shit, I’m not – my memory holds correct
        • as of yesterday since March 1st:
          • no sex all week: 6
          • sex once a week: 9
          • sex twice a week: 3
          • sex three times a week or more: 1
    • and yes, I’m still hung up on the promise he made and isn’t keeping
      • add this in with not wanting to:
        • get into any kind of deep conversations with me
        • frequent dismissals of my emotions
        • god forbid I want cuddling or anything other kind of intimacy
        • freaking out about how people will respond me before they meet me – only to have it be no big deal when said event comes around
    • he says I seem to spend an awful lot of time proving him wrong
      • only because I seem to be getting an excessive amount of excuses and dismissals on what my needs are while his needs are still being met
        • yes I get that he’s tired and stressed out all the time – so am I
          • but it seems like my stress and exhaustion is no fucking big deal at all to him since I can still meet everyone’s needs
      • he claims he will consider therapy for his anxiety and stress
        • I’m not holding my breath on this one
    • I know he wasn’t happy that I told him I’m still holding him to my ultimatum’s timeline
      • I told him that something needs to change, this isn’t good for either of us
        • seriously, this is bullshit that I do all of the things I do for him only to be put on the back burner and given excuses all the time
          • I cannot sustain this
            • I do whatever the fuck he wants me to do and I can’t get any kind of accommodation at all – NONE
  • Iron Knight promised sexy time tonight when I dropped him off at 9am
  • Iron Knight called this afternoon at 1pm to inform me of a change in plans
    • he’s going to have his daughter tonight instead
    • and as soon as I said okay, he said, “but you’re upset with that” and I told that I was hurt so he immediately tore into me, yelling about how inflexible I am
      • so I hung up on him because he was yelling at me and when he called back I told him he needs to quit being an asshole and stop yelling at me for shit I didn’t fucking do
        • it’s not my fault he made a promise to his daughter to take her to the Egg Festival and a promise to me for the same day
          • he needs to own his shit and not fucking punish me
          • I will never tell him to break his daughter’s heart
            • so why the fuck is accusing me of being inflexible here?
              • I can be flexible to a change of plans but still be hurt that a promise to me was broken
                • and it’s never okay to be angry and yell at me just because my feelings were hurt over something you did
        • I told him this is strike two on the yelling thing – if it happens one more time, I’m fucking done
          • this is fucking bullshit, I don’t deserve that
          • this is the second time I have gotten yelled at because of a mistake he’s made and getting hurt over it
  • Iron Knight was really nice over messenger this evening before calling it a night
    • somewhat reminded me of how things were in the beginning and a part of me thought of the hurt and rescue cycle because of it, but I didn’t feel any euphoria as we talked
      • did I think of it only because of my past or is there something legitimately flagging me here?
    • he did surprise me by saying that I have gotten him to think more about mental health (stress management and anxiety mostly) than he ever has in his life – but again, I’m not holding my breath here
      • he’s already given me promises of change that hasn’t come about yet and this one isn’t even a promise – just hopeful talk

Saturday ~ July 13, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11:30pm night before, up at 6am – 6.5 hours total
tried to go to sleep off and on since 7pm

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape pen (blue raspberry 35mg) @ 7:45am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • baked chicken, potato puffs, German potato salad, pickled beets

Today’s Feelings

  • content mostly

Notes

  • Little Bear isn’t in the greatest of moods this morning
    • thankful that my ex-husband won’t be visiting for much longer
      • never a good sign when his father seems amused with our son’s mood
        • that tells me he has something to do with it
  • Iron Knight came over for the night
    • sex happened, but got interrupted by Tuxedo Cat which killed the mood
      • he was pacing last night and felt the need to come in and start talking to us for some reason
        • normally he isn’t the talkative type – like ever
          • and of course, you can’t get upset with your Autistic child for wanting to talk – you don’t want them to feel like they’re not allowed to
            • it’s a matter of teaching them when it’s appropriate

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