Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2019-29

/ Warren Tode

This week started with hell, but smoothed out before it was all said and done.

Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1

Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: 160.1 lbs. at OMT appointment

Chaos Rally

Sunday ~ July 14, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 6:30am – 7.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape pen (blue raspberry 35mg) @ 7am
  • recharged vape pen @ 10:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • macaroni with meat sauce

Today’s Feelings

  • how do you define any of this?

Notes

  • so yesterday when I picked up Iron Knight from his house, his mother mentioned to me how she couldn’t wait for him to move out and this morning him and I talked about how his parents have mentioned how he could just move in with me
    • he said he told them that isn’t happening right now
      • logically, I know this makes sense given what we have going on
      • emotionally, it bothered me
        • because the decision was made entirely without me
          • I was left completely out of the loop and there was no room for discussion on this at all
        • it also made me feel like there isn’t a place for me in his future
          • I need to feel like there is a sense of hope – that there is something still worth investing in and to work towards
            • and the way he talks about the present, it doesn’t give me that forward thinking hope
              • he says right now just sucks and needs to be fixed, therefore the future isn’t worth discussing
                • that isn’t how you fix the present
                • you fix the present by planning the future and going where you want to be
                  • then that becomes your present
    • we also discussed how this is also very similar to how things went the last time we were together with his mother
      • we started dating and then she started pushing for him to get a job and for us to live together
        • and this was mostly between her and I whenever he wasn’t there to hear it
          • she has always been very controlling and over protective
            • she admitted to it last night, along with her reasons why
              • she’s a domestic violence survivor too
                • so yes, I completely understand why even if I don’t agree with her methods
        • even though he was in college full time back then, so a full time job would have been hard to juggle
    • he says they know I’m living with my parents and that I’m not working…
      • I cannot fathom the logic they are working with right now
  • Iron Knight did come over for dinner and spend the night tonight
    • we watched Forbidden Kingdom together with Little Bear pretending not to watch – I always did like the movie
    • sex was very nice

Monday ~ July 15, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape pen (blue raspberry 35mg) @ 7am
  • refilled vape pen (blue raspberry 35mg) @ 8pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • popcorn
  • meatloaf, rice, and mixed vegetables

Today’s Feelings

  • let down, but otherwise okay I think

Notes

  • Iron Knight and I rapidly devolved into an argument this morning before my OMT appointment
    • I don’t know why, but he seems to think one good evening should be enough to make me all better when that isn’t how it works at all for me
    • he jumped my case for being negative all the time and accused me of not making an effort to change that when I’ve been telling him for quite some time now I need extra support during this episode
      • tired of being stonewalled whenever I reach out or, even worse, basically told I’m on my own during a crisis
        • flat out told him this morning he’s no longer a trusted person
          • if I am this overwhelming and negative to him, then what’s the fucking point?
          • apparently all my med clinic and therapy appointments and practicing coping skills is me fucking doing nothing and making no fucking effort on my part
          • and yes, I did catch the part of him bringing up me filing for disability benefits the other day too – don’t think I missed or forgot that
      • it’s not that I don’t like hearing that I’m being negative, what I don’t like is that:
    • and of course after he cuts me emotionally this deep and I’m in tears, he makes a bid for forgiveness just before I drop him off home to go to my appointment
      • right up to this point, everything was completely my fault
        • now suddenly he knows how hard I try to remain stable?
        • now suddenly he knows how much effort I put in?
          • but of course he adds in a little jab about widening my support system
            • okay… but you might not like that in practice
              • I’ve seen this played out too many times before
  • OMT appointment was a disappointment
    • he questioned my diagnosis – questioned the doctor that gave me the diagnosis
    • barely addressed my joints at all today
      • my left shoulder still bothers me big time
      • my left hand was an after thought just before I left
      • my spine and ribs was given little attention
      • he moved my legs a bit for my hips apparently
    • like seriously, why did I even come in?
  • Iron Knight wants me to start teaching him how to cook
    • wants to start tonight
    • wants to begin with meatloaf
  • Iron Knight’s meatloaf assembly went well
    • and it came out pretty good too
  • my mother was able to verify that the rib hump on the right side of my back had been addressed – as in it’s no longer there
    • left shoulder, hip, and hand is still bothering me

Tuesday ~ July 16, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 3 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 12:30am, up at 6am – 5.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • recharged vape pen @ 6:40
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • filled new vape box (mint 35mg) @ 10:30am
  • PM meds forgotten

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • numbed out

Notes

  • experienced numbness in left arm and pain in left hip while trying to fall asleep last night – was uncomfortable for my ribs to lay on my right side
  • Therapy Tuesday
  • not sure why but it felt like Iron Knight was in a hurry to get away from me this morning
    • gave me a morning kiss and by the time I made it downstairs, he was already done with breakfast and was getting ready to head out the door
    • the only thing missing from this scene was the fact we didn’t have sex last night – I mean that’s really how it felt in how rushed and impersonal it was
      • and yeah, he was extra touchy feely than usual – more kisses and shoulder rubs – the kind of stuff I typically need to beg for
        • not angry exactly, just really confused and perplexed
          • especially since it looked like he was on his phone when I came into the kitchen and he immediately goes into the bathroom without saying a word to me and then when he comes out he has to leave right away
  • told my therapist everything that happened since last Tuesday
    • she told me that while I do fixate on a problem from time to time, it is with the focus on finding a solution and that I’m willing to look at many angles, options, and sides, and once I decide upon a solution I commit to it with enthusiasm
      • a truly negative person has a problem for every solution
    • the hurt and rescue cycle was brought up and she pointed out how it was escalating
      • and yes, this is one form of emotional abuse
      • because he would bring me down to the point of ugly tears before apologizing
      • seriously, it’s a very bad sign when someone feels the need to remind you on a regular basis that they’re not a bad person
        • you should never feel the need to convince someone of that
          • your behavior alone dictates that
    • twice now in our relationship he has screamed at me for a mistake he has made
      • the time he got angry with me because I didn’t want his cousin to go with us on our movie date
      • the time he made a promise to his daughter to take her to the Egg Festival and promised me a sexy evening on the same night
        • both of these times he flew into a rage and accused me of being inflexible when the first time I suggested he go without me, and the second time I told him I was fine with it
          • the first time he claimed he didn’t like my tone
          • the second time he was pissed off that I was hurt
      • she said this is a HUGE red flag since the second time he was gunning for the fight and it was clear that he was and he said as much since he knew I would be hurt about the promise to me being broken
    • so yes, this is what emotional abuse can look like
      • it doesn’t always include name calling
      • it’s anything that repeatedly and knowingly hurts the other person on an emotional level
        • and he knew it because it made me cry
        • he knew it because I kept telling him that it did
        • and it’s not a mistake if you keep doing it
    • she also told me that I have options and I don’t need to stay with him
      • she said I could try to work things out, but I do have the right to go somewhere else to meet my needs
  • I broke up with Iron Knight
    • the final straw for me was him trying to discredit my therapist today when I tried to talk to him about everything in therapy
  • my dad said he was available to talk if I needed it at least
    • he said he was sorry to see that it didn’t work out, but he feels I’m doing the right thing here
    • I appreciate it greatly

Wednesday ~ July 17, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

  • PT – 1 hour

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • refilled vape box (mint 35mg) @ 10pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • meatloaf on a bun
  • slice of meatloaf

Today’s Feelings

  • resolute in AM
  • resigned by PM

Notes

  • spoke briefly with Iron Knight on messenger late this morning
    • he wants to be friends, I told him I didn’t think it was possible at this point without mending the wound I have
    • I really don’t like feeling addicted to him
  • hung out with my cousin, Stinky, this evening over at Gram’s house
    • gave me the clarity I needed and the strength I was hoping for

Thursday ~ July 18, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • meatloaf on a bun
  • slice of meatloaf

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • after 3 hours of being on hold, Food Stamps finally gotten straightened out
  • hung out with Little Bear and play RE2 Remake until my left hand hurt too much
  • worked on my Minecraft village server project as well

Friday ~ July 19, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 7:30am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:45am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:45am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:45am
  • refilled vape box (mint 35mg) @ 4:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • homemade pancakes with butter and syrup
  • baked chicken, rice, beets

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

Saturday ~ July 20, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • set vape box to recharge @ 11:30am (I know I charged it earlier this week too, but I don’t know when exactly)
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • macaroni with marinara

Today’s Feelings

  • I don’t have a word for it

Notes

  • 6:00am-8:30am: finished scheduling Chaos Rally #30 post
  • my parents headed out this morning to visit my sister, Mythonia, for two weeks
  • 8:30am-11:45am: scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 30
  • worked on laundry
    • seriously need to weed out the clothes that no longer fit the boys
  • 12pm-5pm: scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 31
  • and of course the boys are having problems getting along today
  • the tears started to fall, which is weird since I’m the one that broke up with him
    • he isn’t willing to meet my core needs though, so I can’t go back

If you enjoyed this post, or have some thoughts about it, please let me know!

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