This week started with hell, but smoothed out before it was all said and done.
Mood Score Key:
Sliding Hypomania = 1 ~ Hypomania = 2 ~ Mania = 3 ~ Baseline (My Normal) = 0
Sliding Depression = -1 ~ Depression = -2 ~ Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State
Energy Score Key:
Low = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ High = 1
Irritation Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Anxiety Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Migraine Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A
Sleep Quality Score Key:
Bad = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ Great = 1
Special Notes for the Week
Menses Start Date: ~
Weigh-In at Med Clinic: 160.1 lbs. at OMT appointment
Sunday ~ July 14, 2019
Mood: -2 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 6:30am – 7.5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- refilled vape pen (blue raspberry 35mg) @ 7am
- recharged vape pen @ 10:30am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
- macaroni with meat sauce
Today’s Feelings
- how do you define any of this?
Notes
- so yesterday when I picked up Iron Knight from his house, his mother mentioned to me how she couldn’t wait for him to move out and this morning him and I talked about how his parents have mentioned how he could just move in with me
- he said he told them that isn’t happening right now
- logically, I know this makes sense given what we have going on
- emotionally, it bothered me
- because the decision was made entirely without me
- I was left completely out of the loop and there was no room for discussion on this at all
- it also made me feel like there isn’t a place for me in his future
- I need to feel like there is a sense of hope – that there is something still worth investing in and to work towards
- and the way he talks about the present, it doesn’t give me that forward thinking hope
- he says right now just sucks and needs to be fixed, therefore the future isn’t worth discussing
- that isn’t how you fix the present
- you fix the present by planning the future and going where you want to be
- then that becomes your present
- he says right now just sucks and needs to be fixed, therefore the future isn’t worth discussing
- and the way he talks about the present, it doesn’t give me that forward thinking hope
- I need to feel like there is a sense of hope – that there is something still worth investing in and to work towards
- because the decision was made entirely without me
- we also discussed how this is also very similar to how things went the last time we were together with his mother
- we started dating and then she started pushing for him to get a job and for us to live together
- and this was mostly between her and I whenever he wasn’t there to hear it
- she has always been very controlling and over protective
- she admitted to it last night, along with her reasons why
- she’s a domestic violence survivor too
- so yes, I completely understand why even if I don’t agree with her methods
- she’s a domestic violence survivor too
- she admitted to it last night, along with her reasons why
- she has always been very controlling and over protective
- even though he was in college full time back then, so a full time job would have been hard to juggle
- and this was mostly between her and I whenever he wasn’t there to hear it
- we started dating and then she started pushing for him to get a job and for us to live together
- he says they know I’m living with my parents and that I’m not working…
- I cannot fathom the logic they are working with right now
- he said he told them that isn’t happening right now
- Iron Knight did come over for dinner and spend the night tonight
- we watched Forbidden Kingdom together with Little Bear pretending not to watch – I always did like the movie
- sex was very nice
Monday ~ July 15, 2019
Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 6am – 7 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- refilled vape pen (blue raspberry 35mg) @ 7am
- refilled vape pen (blue raspberry 35mg) @ 8pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 8pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 8pm
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
- popcorn
- meatloaf, rice, and mixed vegetables
Today’s Feelings
- let down, but otherwise okay I think
Notes
- Iron Knight and I rapidly devolved into an argument this morning before my OMT appointment
- I don’t know why, but he seems to think one good evening should be enough to make me all better when that isn’t how it works at all for me
- he jumped my case for being negative all the time and accused me of not making an effort to change that when I’ve been telling him for quite some time now I need extra support during this episode
- tired of being stonewalled whenever I reach out or, even worse, basically told I’m on my own during a crisis
- flat out told him this morning he’s no longer a trusted person
- if I am this overwhelming and negative to him, then what’s the fucking point?
- apparently all my med clinic and therapy appointments and practicing coping skills is me fucking doing nothing and making no fucking effort on my part
- and yes, I did catch the part of him bringing up me filing for disability benefits the other day too – don’t think I missed or forgot that
- flat out told him this morning he’s no longer a trusted person
- it’s not that I don’t like hearing that I’m being negative, what I don’t like is that:
- I’m apparently not allowed to be negative
- I don’t get support when there is a problem
- god forbid I want the problem solved
- I want a clear cut, solid plan that can be acted upon
- I don’t want excuses
- I don’t want vague answers
- and what really pisses me off is empty and broken promises
- I’m really sick of being put off and brushed aside
- I’m sick and tired of carrying the load all the time
- I’m sick and tired of being left holding the bag
- I’m sick and tired of being the one that pours all my time, energy, and attention in and getting scraps in return
- god forbid I want the problem solved
- tired of being stonewalled whenever I reach out or, even worse, basically told I’m on my own during a crisis
- and of course after he cuts me emotionally this deep and I’m in tears, he makes a bid for forgiveness just before I drop him off home to go to my appointment
- right up to this point, everything was completely my fault
- now suddenly he knows how hard I try to remain stable?
- now suddenly he knows how much effort I put in?
- but of course he adds in a little jab about widening my support system
- okay… but you might not like that in practice
- I’ve seen this played out too many times before
- okay… but you might not like that in practice
- but of course he adds in a little jab about widening my support system
- right up to this point, everything was completely my fault
- OMT appointment was a disappointment
- he questioned my diagnosis – questioned the doctor that gave me the diagnosis
- barely addressed my joints at all today
- my left shoulder still bothers me big time
- my left hand was an after thought just before I left
- my spine and ribs was given little attention
- he moved my legs a bit for my hips apparently
- like seriously, why did I even come in?
- Iron Knight wants me to start teaching him how to cook
- wants to start tonight
- wants to begin with meatloaf
- Iron Knight’s meatloaf assembly went well
- and it came out pretty good too
- my mother was able to verify that the rib hump on the right side of my back had been addressed – as in it’s no longer there
- left shoulder, hip, and hand is still bothering me
Tuesday ~ July 16, 2019
Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 3 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 12:30am, up at 6am – 5.5 hours total
Sleep Quality: -1
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- recharged vape pen @ 6:40
- 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
- filled new vape box (mint 35mg) @ 10:30am
- PM meds forgotten
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
Today’s Feelings
- numbed out
Notes
- experienced numbness in left arm and pain in left hip while trying to fall asleep last night – was uncomfortable for my ribs to lay on my right side
- Therapy Tuesday
- not sure why but it felt like Iron Knight was in a hurry to get away from me this morning
- gave me a morning kiss and by the time I made it downstairs, he was already done with breakfast and was getting ready to head out the door
- the only thing missing from this scene was the fact we didn’t have sex last night – I mean that’s really how it felt in how rushed and impersonal it was
- and yeah, he was extra touchy feely than usual – more kisses and shoulder rubs – the kind of stuff I typically need to beg for
- not angry exactly, just really confused and perplexed
- especially since it looked like he was on his phone when I came into the kitchen and he immediately goes into the bathroom without saying a word to me and then when he comes out he has to leave right away
- not angry exactly, just really confused and perplexed
- and yeah, he was extra touchy feely than usual – more kisses and shoulder rubs – the kind of stuff I typically need to beg for
- told my therapist everything that happened since last Tuesday
- she told me that while I do fixate on a problem from time to time, it is with the focus on finding a solution and that I’m willing to look at many angles, options, and sides, and once I decide upon a solution I commit to it with enthusiasm
- a truly negative person has a problem for every solution
- the hurt and rescue cycle was brought up and she pointed out how it was escalating
- and yes, this is one form of emotional abuse
- because he would bring me down to the point of ugly tears before apologizing
- seriously, it’s a very bad sign when someone feels the need to remind you on a regular basis that they’re not a bad person
- you should never feel the need to convince someone of that
- your behavior alone dictates that
- you should never feel the need to convince someone of that
- twice now in our relationship he has screamed at me for a mistake he has made
- the time he got angry with me because I didn’t want his cousin to go with us on our movie date
- the time he made a promise to his daughter to take her to the Egg Festival and promised me a sexy evening on the same night
- both of these times he flew into a rage and accused me of being inflexible when the first time I suggested he go without me, and the second time I told him I was fine with it
- the first time he claimed he didn’t like my tone
- the second time he was pissed off that I was hurt
- both of these times he flew into a rage and accused me of being inflexible when the first time I suggested he go without me, and the second time I told him I was fine with it
- she said this is a HUGE red flag since the second time he was gunning for the fight and it was clear that he was and he said as much since he knew I would be hurt about the promise to me being broken
- so yes, this is what emotional abuse can look like
- it doesn’t always include name calling
- it’s anything that repeatedly and knowingly hurts the other person on an emotional level
- and he knew it because it made me cry
- he knew it because I kept telling him that it did
- and it’s not a mistake if you keep doing it
- she also told me that I have options and I don’t need to stay with him
- she said I could try to work things out, but I do have the right to go somewhere else to meet my needs
- she told me that while I do fixate on a problem from time to time, it is with the focus on finding a solution and that I’m willing to look at many angles, options, and sides, and once I decide upon a solution I commit to it with enthusiasm
- I broke up with Iron Knight
- the final straw for me was him trying to discredit my therapist today when I tried to talk to him about everything in therapy
- my dad said he was available to talk if I needed it at least
- he said he was sorry to see that it didn’t work out, but he feels I’m doing the right thing here
- I appreciate it greatly
Wednesday ~ July 17, 2019
Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 6am – 8 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
- PT – 1 hour
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
- refilled vape box (mint 35mg) @ 10pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- meatloaf on a bun
- slice of meatloaf
Today’s Feelings
- resolute in AM
- resigned by PM
Notes
- spoke briefly with Iron Knight on messenger late this morning
- he wants to be friends, I told him I didn’t think it was possible at this point without mending the wound I have
- I really don’t like feeling addicted to him
- hung out with my cousin, Stinky, this evening over at Gram’s house
- gave me the clarity I needed and the strength I was hoping for
Thursday ~ July 18, 2019
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 6am – 8 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- meatloaf on a bun
- slice of meatloaf
Today’s Feelings
- content
Notes
- after 3 hours of being on hold, Food Stamps finally gotten straightened out
- hung out with Little Bear and play RE2 Remake until my left hand hurt too much
- worked on my Minecraft village server project as well
Friday ~ July 19, 2019
Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 7:30am – 6 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7:45am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7:45am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7:45am
- refilled vape box (mint 35mg) @ 4:30pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 4 cups of coffee
- homemade pancakes with butter and syrup
- baked chicken, rice, beets
Today’s Feelings
- content
Notes
- got the Chaos Rally #29 post up
- started working on scheduling Chaos Rally #30 post
- had a hard time concentrating on this one, by the time 4:30pm rolled around I decided to take a break to cook dinner
- even at baseline, without hypersexuality symptoms present, my libido isn’t abnormal:
- played RE2 Remake after dinner
Saturday ~ July 20, 2019
Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- set vape box to recharge @ 11:30am (I know I charged it earlier this week too, but I don’t know when exactly)
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
- macaroni with marinara
Today’s Feelings
- I don’t have a word for it
Notes
- 6:00am-8:30am: finished scheduling Chaos Rally #30 post
- my parents headed out this morning to visit my sister, Mythonia, for two weeks
- 8:30am-11:45am: scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 30
- worked on laundry
- seriously need to weed out the clothes that no longer fit the boys
- 12pm-5pm: scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 31
- and of course the boys are having problems getting along today
- the tears started to fall, which is weird since I’m the one that broke up with him
- he isn’t willing to meet my core needs though, so I can’t go back
- Why You Need to Accept Your Partner’s Needs
- and this goes way beyond the sex
- I need it to be safe to bring up my needs and my feelings any time
- and I fear that nothing will ever be mended between us this time
- he isn’t willing to meet my core needs though, so I can’t go back
