Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2019-30

It’s been a challenging week this week, but I’m surviving.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: 7/27/2019

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally

  • Achievement comes to those who are willing to address their emotions appropriately, which allows them to see the truth through a clearer lens and face their trials with greater endurance.

Sunday ~ July 21, 2019

Daily Draw

  • We are more productive and increase our flow when we are balanced and focused on the moment we’re experiencing.

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2.5 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 2T

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 3:45am – 6.75 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled the vape box (mint 35mg) some time during the day
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 2 hotdogs on buns

Today’s Feelings

  • despair, confused, rejected

Notes

  • woke up with the strong sense this morning that someone was right there next to me on the bed, like sitting there, but there was no one there in the room
    • I haven’t felt anything like that since high school actually
  • filled med boxes – mine and Little Bear’s
  • made a bid towards Iron Knight for reconciliation
    • I have no idea why I tried
      • I feel rejected
      • I don’t know maybe I just needed my heart ripped out a second time
    • I have to agree with Stinky, given the full moon and Mercury retrograde combo last week… making any kind of major decision was bad
      • actually just the full moon alone for me was a bad time for major decisions – seems to bring out all kinds of weird cognitive shit
        • lunatic is a word for a reason…
          • I feel like I belong in a hole
          • maybe I’m just stupid and can’t let go
  • I think my mood is rubbing off on to the boys
    • none of them seem to be getting along with each other
    • Tuxedo Cat is hovering/lingering around me – like a cat actually
      • like he’s coming into my room and sits on my couch to play on his device
        • he has AC in his room, so it’s not that
    • all three of them went shopping with me
      • all three of them actually helped me with the groceries
      • even though all three of them were their usual selves in the store
        • it’s like herding cats going with them
          • Scholar Owl being a mini parent
          • Tuxedo Cat orbiting the cart like one of Jupiter’s moons
          • Little Bear greeting every. single. person. we walked by
            • and this time acting like a parrot while he was at it and sliding along the store’s new flooring
  • couldn’t focus on the blog and video games couldn’t quiet the mind either
  • got most of the laundry done at least

Monday ~ July 22, 2019

Daily Draw

  • A wall may keep you safe, but it keeps both the good and the bad out of your life. It is a isolated way to live.

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 2T

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 5am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • set the vape box to recharge @ 7am (okay, really sick of this shit but I just bought the damn thing for $65 last Tuesday)
  • 75mg Topamax @ 9pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • wrecked

Notes

  • woke up with a racing mind this morning
  • I feel like no one has time for me when I need someone to be there
    • I am aware that is a selfish thing to say, but it’s frustrating when it’s every single person I reach out to
    • I’m sinking
  • need to call my father’s doctor to request his med order to be made today
    • I wish he had taken care of this himself before he had left instead of screwing it up and leaving it for me to deal with
      • I know the doctor’s office is going to mess it up like they always do and my dad will blame me for whatever reason
  • Iron Knight and I spoke in person tonight for a couple of hours
    • he was upset I didn’t document that he had apologized about what he had said about my therapist later that night – the problem is, immediately after (just as I was about to forgive him completely) he went on to tell me how I was wrong with everything she had taught me
      • so yes, I could have documented all of that but how would that have changed anything?
      • I don’t think Iron Knight understands by doing what he did in that moment, he rendered it into a non-apology so I didn’t think to document at the time that he had apologized
      • my ex-husband doesn’t believe in mental health care and would undermine mine in any way he could
        • my care providers were always full of shit
        • and after he left for the Army, when he came home on leave my well-being would tank severely every. time.
          • bad enough so that my mother mentioned it near the end
          • we caught him once fucking up Little Bear’s meds so it makes me wonder about mine
            • yes, Piggy said it could have been an accident – and it could have been – but given the pattern of behavior at the time I have doubts
        • so when Iron Knight went there that particular day about one thing, that’s where I was
    • so yes, he apologized again the following day but my head space was long gone at that point
      • I didn’t come back to me until Saturday, when the tears started to fall
      • I was emotionally numb and on auto-pilot for four days and then I’ve been crying ever since
        • basically, I’ve been disassociating
    • he told me he thought he was ready for a relationship when we got together and now he doesn’t know
      • I feel like I’m losing my home – among other things
    • the biggest mistake I ever made in my life was leaving him the last time
      • if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have PTSD now – I know this
      • we were engaged back then
      • deep down, I feel this is a similar turning point
        • and no, this isn’t about turning a blind eye on the difficulties and challenges we have going on
          • I’ve got my bullshit to work on too
            • trigger and symptom management
            • pulling myself out of this current depressive episode
            • improving coping skills
            • widening my social support network
            • and not treating another person like a fucking band-aid or cure-all
    • I just don’t want us to quit just because I’m having an episode
      • I’d really would like to reach baseline first and then determine where we’re at, but since he’s neurotypical and told me last night he already had one foot out the door… I guess it doesn’t matter
        • I fucked up
    • he hugged me when he went home and… I have no words for how it felt

Tuesday ~ July 23, 2019

Daily Draw

  • All work and no play causes burn out but on the flip side, all play and no work prevents having the means to provide. One must find the necessary balance.

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 2A ~ Joint Pain: 2T

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total
napped 2-4pm  – 2 hours total

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 1pm
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 4pm
  • refilled vape box (mint 35mg) @ 5pm
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 7:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm
  • recharge vape box @ 9:30pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • Fettuccine Alfredo

Today’s Feelings

  • miserable, lonely, hurt

Notes

  • talked with Iron Knight this morning and it almost felt like nothing happened for a moment – until he mentioned he will have his daughter this weekend and I felt a slight panic as to what the fuck I was going to do with my weekend, but then I remembered I had already made plans with Stinky because we were no longer together and it didn’t matter, the life I built around him is gone
  • Therapy Tuesday
    • she said as long as we honestly love each other, it’s worth working for
      • sure, he says that he has always loved me but I don’t think he wants me
      • love alone is not enough, you need to be willing to put in the work too
    • what I don’t understand is he did ALL the right things in ALL the right ways last night while talking to me
      • he didn’t touch the phone once
      • he didn’t interrupt me
      • and the only time he got dismissive was about my depression and I know it’s because he doesn’t understand how Bipolar episodes work
        • the thing with my dad was an honest misunderstanding, but he forgets my dad is as direct as I am so when I say he said I was stupid/foolish to think it was going to work a third time, that’s exactly what he said
          • this coming from the same man that used to repeatedly tell me while I was married that it was a shame that I hadn’t made it work with Iron Knight before… because he liked him
            • and once I started dating Iron Knight again, he started planting seeds of doubt again
            • there is no winning with my father – at all
  • Iron Knight talked with me tonight as well, but didn’t come over to do it
    • he’s still on the fence
    • maybe I need to move on to acceptance of what is and let it all go
      • allow the door to close if it must
      • allow myself to mourn and to heal
      • I’m done chasing and begging
        • I am the Queen

Wednesday ~ July 24, 2019

Daily Draw

  • Too often it is our fear of lack or loss that pushes away the very things we hold most dear. In order to fully embrace an abundance mindset, we must loosen our grip and allow things to flow naturally.

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -0.5 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 1T

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11:30pm night before, up at 6am – 6.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

  • PT @ 4-5pm
    • included 2 planks – 1 for 10 seconds and 1 for 15 seconds
      • it’s a big deal for me, since I can’t remember the last time I’ve been able to do one

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape box (mint 35mg) @ 12pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • leftover Fettuccine Alfredo

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • I have decided this morning that since I have said my piece, the ball is in Iron Knight’s court now
    • from here on out, it’s on him to make the move
      • he’s the one that has to make up his mind, decide, and act
        • and I will not wait forever
        • once I finished mourning and feel healed, if he is still on the fence or if he has closed the door then I will move on and start looking for someone else
  • I told Iron Knight all this
    • he said as much as he liked the fact that we were still talking he needed time to think so he asked for two weeks time to think about it all
      • starting today, so he has until August 7th to give me an answer
      • I will give him that time and space but, I told him it was up to him to reach out to me if he wanted us to keep talking
        • I told him I may still turn to him, but him turning away will be seen as a shut door and be treated as such and the more shut doors I get, the less I will turn to him from here on out
          • he needs to earn the name Iron Knight
        • I should have also told him not reaching out will also be seen as a shut door and the more of those doors I get, the more I will pull away from him from here on out
          • I’m all done chasing, begging, holding torches, waiting, and attending to an empty chair
          • because there is a difference between “I’m really busy, but I’ll carve out enough time to say hi today” and “I can’t be bothered to make that effort”
  • Little Bear behaved himself today at OT and did well
  • I did very well at PT – she said I’m gaining strength and making progress
    • I really need to make a point to start including the exercises in my morning routine every other day
  • put the chores back into my calendar schedule again
    • I don’t know, hopefully shit will get done and I won’t feel overwhelmed?

Thursday ~ July 25, 2019

Daily Draw

  • Are you the master of your strings or does something else have control? Is it money, your emotions, a substance, food, a person – doesn’t matter. You only have control when it’s your higher self that has the reigns. Otherwise, you’re paying interest.

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 1A ~ Joint Pain: 1T

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 5am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape box (mint 35mg) @ 10:30am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 11am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • disappointed this morning
  • sad this afternoon
  • relieved this evening

Notes

  • Iron Knight told me last night that he would get back to me “soon” about when he could look at my brakes when I asked him to schedule a day with me since he had promised to help fix my car
    • that was at 6:45pm last night and it’s now 5am this morning
    • saw he was logged in this morning around 8:30am, but he didn’t bother to talk to me
      • odd, he keeps logging in an out this morning… is he waiting for me to reach out first?
        • and he’s been doing it since 12pm – it’s maddening
          • seriously, every half hour
          • the significance of this is he typically doesn’t spend much time on Facebook and doesn’t log in much – but today he’s been logging in and out like crazy
            • and I wouldn’t know any of this if it weren’t for the fact that I do so much on Facebook every day to begin with
          • by 11am a part of me really wants to be the one to reach out first… but I can’t – not without breaking my word about giving him the space to think
            • and yes, I sucked at doing that yesterday
          • reached out to Piggie instead, she strongly advised talking to him right now but instead suggested that I write him a gratitude letter since he did ask me why I wanted to be back with him after all of this
            • so I did, and emailed it to him
              • I guess all I can do now is wait
                • and of course all I can do is cry again because he hasn’t logged on since this afternoon and I can’t help but feel like I should have at least said hello
                  • I really miss his good morning texts
    • fuck it, I broke and asked about the car at 9pm
      • and I’m glad I did – he told me about his shitty, crazy busy day and how he’s still busy working on writing the business plan he agreed to write awhile back and needs to have finished at the end of this week
        • he was stressed, but receptive and warm
  • I’m relieved I have nothing scheduled today other than household shit
    • overhead bathroom light has blown out and I can’t reach it to replace it
      • I need to figure out how I’m going to fix that on my own since I’m not tall enough and the boys can’t help me do it
    • washing machine is acting up again on the spin cycle
      • found the clothes this morning at 5am sopping wet in there and smelling like a rotting swamp rat
        • really not happy about that
  • left shoulder down to my hand is still bothering me
    • pain in shoulder, tingling in fingers – to the point of cold numbness
      • can’t wear my frog ring because it seems to bother my hand more when I do and I find this incredibly upsetting
        • I’ve had this ring since I was 19 and I have always worn it and have never been without it
          • I used to wear it on my right hand until I was pregnant with Scholar Owl and my hands swelled and bent the ring a bit
            • I suppose I could try switching back
              • feels weird
              • by the end of the day, I had gotten use to it
                • feel better to be wearing it again
  • Little Bear is having a rough day
    • every game he has tried to play today has frustrated the piss out of him
    • he’s been demanding out of everyone – especially of me – as a result
  • looking forward to my evening with Stinky tomorrow night
    • hoping the boys don’t destroy the house (or each other) while I’m out

Friday ~ July 26, 2019

Daily Draw

  • Just because someone doesn’t like a boundary you have set, doesn’t mean you need to change it. You are permitted to shape your life to meet your needs and goals.

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 1A ~ Joint Pain: 2T

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 4:30am – 6.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • refilled vape box (mint 35mg) @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 10am
  • set vape box to recharge @ 11am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • finished the last cup of coffee I had from last night
  • 4 cups of coffee
  • 12oz. hard cider
  • 4 pizza slices
  • 4 garlic knots

Today’s Feelings

  • calm this AM
  • I don’t know by this afternoon
  • uplifted and relaxed this evening

Notes

  • woke up calmer than I was last yesterday, but aura present and left hand feeling stiff and cold with palm aching and tingling – slight ache in left shoulder but not terrible – slight ache between shoulder blades too which makes me wonder about the pop I heard during PT earlier this week
  • today I intend to release control
    • release whatever control anxiety may have over me
    • release whatever control paranoia may have over me
    • release whatever control fear may have over me
    • release whatever control the voices may have over me
      • this is the shit I need to let go of
      • like energy, just let it flow by rather than resisting it and allowing it to take up space
  • Iron Knight reached out this morning with a good morning text and to tell me he has a job interview first thing today
    • pretty exciting news for him, said he’d get back to me when he got back
    • hope all goes well
    • he got the job!!!
      • I’m so happy for him
      • he starts August 5th
    • he also finished the rough draft of that business plan last night
  • high school reunion is next Saturday and I’m stressed/anxious about it
    • I want to go, yet at the same time I don’t want to go
  • Little Bear got angry enough at a video game today that he wrecked a kitchen chair and screamed at me
    • triggered sharp chest pains and difficulty in breathing in me
    • I guess it’s been a rough day for us both
      • I really expected it to be easier this week with just us here
        • I don’t know why I thought that
  • the evening with Stinky was highly enjoyable and I’m glad I went
    • one of the things we talked about – and I had never really gave much thought about before – is me being a shadow worker (or as she put it, a shaman) and the effects it has on my mental health
      • yes it’s important to bring light into the darkness, but you can’t stay there for prolonged periods of time and expect to keep your energy at a high vibrational frequency
    • found when I got home that Little Bear fixed the chair himself

Saturday ~ July 27, 2019

Daily Draw

  • Not everyone is able to fill their own cup every time. Not even you.

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 1T

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6am – 4 hours total
napped 9am to 12pm – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • refilled vape box (mint 35mg) @ 1am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape box (mint 35mg) @ 5pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 1 cup Ginger tea
  • 1 ham sandwich with tomato, bean sprouts, mayo, and mustard on wheat
  • popcorn
  • small bowl of chips

Today’s Feelings

  • content – in a good way

Notes

  • Iron Knight sent me another good morning text and it was nice
    • I do wish that I wouldn’t go down the rabbit hole and “talk shop” with him just about every time he reaches out to me
      • I’m aware that he doesn’t fully understand shadow work and that he views it as a negative thing
  • the things Stinky has tasked me to do last night:
    • learn how to shift between my masculine and feminine energy at will
    • identify my personal guide
    • raise my vibrational frequency
      • I have no idea how to do any of this
  • spent another pleasant evening with Stinky

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