Things are getting better in life, but my anxiety isn’t. Med clinic appointment can’t come soon enough. Seriously, I feel like I’m in a constant state of free fall right now.
Mood Score Key:
Sliding Hypomania = 1 ~ Hypomania = 2 ~ Mania = 3 ~ Baseline (My Normal) = 0
Sliding Depression = -1 ~ Depression = -2 ~ Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State
Energy Score Key:
Low = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ High = 1
Irritation Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Anxiety Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Migraine Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A
Joint Pain Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T
Sleep Quality Score Key:
Bad = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ Great = 1
Special Notes for the Week
Menses Start Date: ~
Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~
- When we find ourselves overwhelmed or burdened, in order to persevere, we must rise above it to gain a better perspective to ensure our intentions align with our actions so that it points us towards the desired outcome.
Sunday ~ July 28, 2019
- The old must give way to the new, otherwise life becomes stagnant.
Mood: -2 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 1T
Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 4am – 4 hours total
bed at 4:30am, up at 7am – 2.5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
- Straight Leg Raise: 10 each leg
- Hip Abduction (Side Lying): 10 each side
- Hip Extension (Prone): 10 each leg
- Hip Adduction (Side Lying): 10 each side
- Gastroc Stretch (30 seconds): 3 each leg
- kneeling, alternating arm/leg extension (no idea what it’s called): 10 each pair
- plank: 1 for 20 seconds
Meds Taken
- set the vape box to recharge @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- finished cup of coffee from last night
- 3 cups of coffee
- chicken fettuccine Alfredo, broccoli, strawberry cheesecake
Today’s Feelings
- not sure this morning
- devastated
Notes
- a hag visited me in my dreams, but I woke up without knowing what it was she wanted
- she was walking up the steps, carrying a lantern even though the stairway light was on
- she wore modern clothing, but she was not from this time
- her hair had dried uncombed and her skin was deeply sun weathered
- she was upset, but I was not in danger
- and she walked with a slight limp
- no idea who she was
- today’s intention is to be open and kind
- Iron Knight came over to visit Tuxedo Cat and have dinner
- he decided he’s not ready to get back together with me
- I fell apart right then and there
- he tried to ask for more time to consider and I asked what for, so he could tell me again that he’s still not ready
- just before he went home, I told him that as soon as I have mended I will start dating and if at some point he decides that he is ready for me and if I am still available by then, we’ll talk but I’m not waiting for him
- I said it even though I know I feel everything inside me is dying – my entire inner world
- just before he went home, I told him that as soon as I have mended I will start dating and if at some point he decides that he is ready for me and if I am still available by then, we’ll talk but I’m not waiting for him
- he tried to ask for more time to consider and I asked what for, so he could tell me again that he’s still not ready
- I fell apart right then and there
- he at least fixed the bathroom light for us before the night was over
- he decided he’s not ready to get back together with me
Monday ~ July 29, 2019
- The five senses are powerful experiences and it’s dangerous to try to convince someone they didn’t experience something they believe they had – for many reasons – just because you didn’t have the same experience.
Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -3 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 1T
Hours of Sleep: bed at 2:30am, up at 8am – 5.5 hours total
napped 9am-12pm – 3 hours total
napped 1pm-5:30pm – 4.5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 8am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
- 1 multivitamin @ 8am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 1 cup of coffee
- 4 cups of Gatorade
- leftover chicken fettuccine Alfredo, French bread (that I forgot about last night), cheesecake
Today’s Feelings
- disconnected and despondent
- despair and inconsolable
- wounded and angry
- despondent and exhausted
Notes
- I followed up on my father’s med order at my parents’ request
- that’s all I did today aside from food
- it occurred to me late this evening that I’m rapidly cycling through the stages of grief – this is the biggest and most turbulent storm I have ever been hit with in my entire life and I feel like I’m lacking the skills to cope with it
- yes, I’ve seen the death of loved ones and have lost other people before but it has never felt this intense or deep
- huge engulfing waves that won’t quit
- my little life boat has capsized, I can’t find it, and I have no life jacket on
- I know this storm will pass
- I’ve been rejected and turned down by people and things before too, so you’d think this would be no big deal
- logically I don’t know why any of this even fucking matters so much
- I’m at a point now where I just want the pain to end
- yes, I’ve seen the death of loved ones and have lost other people before but it has never felt this intense or deep
Tuesday ~ July 30, 2019
- Moderation and balance in all things. Too much of anything, in either direction, is not good for anyone. This includes the need for structure and control.
Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 1T
Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
Sleep Quality: -1
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- recharged vape box @ 6pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- ? cups of Gatorade
- hot dogs, mashed potatoes, broccoli
Today’s Feelings
- despair right out the fucking gate this morning
- calmer
Notes
- something needs to change, I just can’t do this
- I ruin everything I touch
- Iron Knight and I have agreed to build something new together from scratch
- we will be dating with the option to date other people
- no labels, no titles
- I offered the idea this morning, he accepted
- we spent the evening going over boundaries to be sure we are on the same page about it
- we will be dating with the option to date other people
Wednesday ~ July 31, 2019
- The purpose of life is spiritual evolution and progression, not destruction. Approach it as such and see how much things shift for you.
Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -2 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 2
Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6:30am – 6.5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- refilled vape box (mint 35mg) @ 11:30am
- 600mg Ibuprofen @ 4pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- 1 cinnamon roll
- a couple handfuls of organic cheese puffs
Today’s Feelings
- shifted and pensive
Notes
- I expected to feel euphoric from yesterday, but instead I feel exhausted
- PT appointment got screwed up and I ended up canceling it for today
- earlier this month I had to reschedule it for this morning because it was scheduled at the same time as Little Bear’s OT appointment
- I got there this morning to find that for some reason it got changed back
- my father’s med order finally came in today
- Little Bear was very cooperative in OT today
- we bought chips and cinnamon rolls afterwards
- and let me tell you, I’m tired of my body hurting like this every damn day
- my fear is that at this point nerve damage has occurred somewhere in my left arm and nothing can be done about it
Thursday ~ August 01, 2019
- You are free to live however you choose, but keep in mind you remain responsible for the ripples you set in motion.
Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2.5 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 1
Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total
Sleep Quality: -1
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- refilled vape box (mint 35mg) @ 7am
- set vape box to recharge @ 8:30am
- missed PM meds
- refilled vape box (mint 35mg) @ 11pm
Meals
- 4 cups of coffee
- chocolate chip pancakes with bananas, sausage, hash browns, basted eggs
- 1 grape and strawberry flavored gummy frog
Today’s Feelings
- pensive
- edge of panic a good chunk of the day (prior to Little Bear convo)
- cycled between angst and cheer throughout the evening
Notes
- extremely vivid dreams last night
- all aggressive, some sexual in nature
- one involved wearing a device that keeps you aroused, but prevents orgasm, while fighting beasts to the death in an arena
- I wasn’t the only person there expected to fight with just crude weapons at best
- oddly, we fought in pairs
- I was paired with a man – couldn’t see his face
- but I knew him as my guardian and protector
- I’ve seen him in other dreams before
- I was paired with a man – couldn’t see his face
- unsure what the ideation behind the device was
- one involved me violently incapacitating another woman
- blonde, pale milk blue silk dress, near white skin, inhuman eyes
- no, they didn’t look like animal eyes just… dead somehow
- eyes that look at you but don’t see you as if you’re nothing – no rapport, no compassion, no empathy
- I could smell the soap on her skin
- soft, light, a white flower I don’t know the name of
- if I smelled it again, I would recognize it
- no, they didn’t look like animal eyes just… dead somehow
- and yes, I raped her in this dream
- she was somehow responsible for the arena
- never felt so much hate and never wanted to destroy someone so badly as I did in that dream
- I. bit. off. her. ear. and she didn’t react
- her lack of response enraged me
- of all the dreams I had, this one bothers me the most
- this one feels like I had witnessed something that had happened
- and the most unsettling thing about it all was that the people there around me allowed it all to happen
- no one tried to stop it
- who was this woman?
- who was the woman that I was in this dream?
- no one tried to stop it
- now that I’m awake I understand the device
- sexual energy is driven by testosterone
- testosterone is also the hormone of aggression
- this was a torture experiment for mass entertainment
- think of a seriously fucked up shock device intended to cause distraction and rage
- in the dream you never became desensitized to it
- no break, no rest – ever
- this was a torture experiment for mass entertainment
- why the fuck would someone invent that?
- and why would I dream this?
- the whole thing makes my skin crawl
- I can still feel her dress
- of all the dreams I had, this one bothers me the most
- blonde, pale milk blue silk dress, near white skin, inhuman eyes
- another involved me unintentionally breaking everything I touched while trying to hide from someone
- it was a very rustic setting and drastically different from the others
- ornate light switches breaking and then spewing water
- the switch plates quickly rusting
- somehow ended up stuck in the bathroom
- another involved a bar I’ve never seen before
- wearing a leather biker jacket
- pinned some guy to the floor and threatened to break his arm for touching my face
- one involved wearing a device that keeps you aroused, but prevents orgasm, while fighting beasts to the death in an arena
- I know there were more but I don’t remember them
- not sure what’s causing this sudden flood
- I haven’t been like this in years
- all aggressive, some sexual in nature
- are these dreams happening because I asked for and received the soul retrieval session?
- spent the day with Iron Knight
- he fixed my brakes and heat shielding and replaced a tie rod end
- it took most of the day
- and during all of that he informed me that the wife of our mutual friend doesn’t want Little Bear over to her house ever again
- apparently Little Bear said some pretty horrible things to their daughter when we were out of earshot during the 4th of July party
- and yes, I was heartbroken that my youngest son isn’t able to do normal kid things and have a normal kid life
- there just seems to be a serious disconnect in his head regarding his behavior and how it effects others
- my other two sons never behave like this – ever
- and yes, I was heartbroken that my youngest son isn’t able to do normal kid things and have a normal kid life
- apparently Little Bear said some pretty horrible things to their daughter when we were out of earshot during the 4th of July party
- and also due to how Little Bear is behaviorally, he isn’t welcomed at Iron Knight’s daughter’s birthday party either
- when we were boyfriend and girlfriend, we were all invited but then we broke up and I told him only Tuxedo Cat will be going but today, since we’re dating again, I asked if the invitation still stood but he has had second thoughts about it
- I could feel the charge coming off him when he saw how upset I was about it but I do understand his concern and I had to remind him that he’s not responsible for my emotions
- my angst isn’t about him, it’s about my son and feeling like a failed parent
- it’s being heartbroken because I know damn well the likelihood my child would cause a scene if he did go is pretty high
- it’s being heartbroken over the fact no one wants him to come to anything because they feel he ruins their events due to just being himself
- it’s being heartbroken over knowing what that feedback is doing to him because he’s failing to bridge the gap between his actions and the consequences
- it’s being heartbroken over the feeling that none of my children will ever be fully accepted anywhere by anyone the way I do
- it would make me so happy and bring me so much peace to have a partner that loved and embraced all of my sons the way Iron Knight does his daughter
- my angst isn’t about him, it’s about my son and feeling like a failed parent
- I could feel the charge coming off him when he saw how upset I was about it but I do understand his concern and I had to remind him that he’s not responsible for my emotions
- when we were boyfriend and girlfriend, we were all invited but then we broke up and I told him only Tuxedo Cat will be going but today, since we’re dating again, I asked if the invitation still stood but he has had second thoughts about it
- he invited me to join him as he ran a few errands for his daughter’s birthday party
- afterwards we went to Denny’s and Sweet Frog together
- he spent the night and it was very nice
- he fixed my brakes and heat shielding and replaced a tie rod end
Friday ~ August 02, 2019
- True connection comes only when we have the courage to be vulnerable enough to be our authentic selves and allow ourselves to be accepted by others.
Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0.5 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 1T
Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total
lingered in bed, in and out of light sleep, until 7am
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
- PT – 1 hour
- she showed me a nifty exercise today with my neck to open up my vertebrae and ease up the pain and tingling in my left hand
- on a scale of 1 to 10, I went from a 4 to a 2 just by doing that today
- she showed me a nifty exercise today with my neck to open up my vertebrae and ease up the pain and tingling in my left hand
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 600mg Ibuprofen @ 8am
- refilled vape box (mint 35mg) @ 7pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
- set vape box to recharge @ 7:15pm
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
Today’s Feelings
- mostly calm, with an occasional vague need to weep or sleep
Notes
- I didn’t have any vivid dreams that I can remember this time around
- a good part of yesterday I was on the verge of panic, whereas today I’ve spent it feeling crashed and wiped out
- it also bothered me so much to hear about our mutual friend’s wife being so upset with Little Bear’s behavior that I sent a carefully written apology to him and his wife
- his family and mine have been friends for many years so I don’t want there to be any bad blood between us – I truly do understand where they are coming from and I do feel bad about what he did
- and yes, I have heard him say things like that directed at me so I have no doubt he said it to someone else
- it really is an on-going problem – it’s a big reason he can’t even be in a regular classroom at school
- and yes, I have heard him say things like that directed at me so I have no doubt he said it to someone else
- his family and mine have been friends for many years so I don’t want there to be any bad blood between us – I truly do understand where they are coming from and I do feel bad about what he did
- got invited to attend the Lions Gate Ceremony with Stinky August 8th
- sounds fun and very interesting – I look forward to attending
- parents got home tonight – barely an hour goes by and I’m already wishing they weren’t here
- right out the gate my mother is crawling up my ass about stupid shit that I have to do on her time table
- “it might rain so you might want to roll up your windows”
- “did the boys tell you yet that it might rain?”
- “did you roll up those windows yet?”
- seriously… back the fuck off
- and of course when I express annoyance, she starts pulling out that guilting bullshit of hers
- and I just checked the weather report… no expectation of rain tonight… wtf?
- and of course when I express annoyance, she starts pulling out that guilting bullshit of hers
- seriously… back the fuck off
- right out the gate my mother is crawling up my ass about stupid shit that I have to do on her time table
- completed the Chaos Rally #31 post very late today
- the scheduled Daily Draw post didn’t go live on time today
- the wonky scheduling seriously peeves me to no end
Saturday ~ August 03, 2019
- Significant or prolonged adversity tends to jade anyone over time. It’s important to remain in touch with the things that bring you laughter throughout your life. This doesn’t mean you forget the past or dismiss the truth of what’s happened. You’re just not allowing it to kill your soul or break your spirit.
Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2.5 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 1T
Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 5:30am – 6.5 hours
out of bed at 6am
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- refilled vape box (vanilla tobacco 35mg) @ ?pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- 20oz. bottle of Dr. Pepper
- 2 cheeseburgers
Today’s Feelings
- calm this AM
- jumbled mess emotionally from hell
Notes
- I don’t remember any dreams this morning
- scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 32
- scheduled Chaos Rally #32
- the rest of the day was complicated as fuck and I don’t think I want to ever get everything written down for public eyes
- went to Iron Knight’s daughter’s birthday party with only Tuxedo Cat
- went to the high school reunion