Been a little rough with adjusting. Did finally see the med clinic and got meds adjusted. By the end of the week I’ve started to feel a bit more evened out. Closer to normal than I have in a long time. Really should have done this sooner.
Mood Score Key:
Sliding Hypomania = 1 ~ Hypomania = 2 ~ Mania = 3 ~ Baseline (My Normal) = 0
Sliding Depression = -1 ~ Depression = -2 ~ Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State
Energy Score Key:
Low = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ High = 1
Irritation Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Anxiety Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Migraine Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h
Joint Pain Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T
Sleep Quality Score Key:
Bad = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ Great = 1
Special Notes for the Week
Menses Start Date: ~
Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~
- Find clarity in the vision you hold for yourself you will need to have a good understanding of your current calling and to do this, your best bet is to focus on where you are the most energized and at peace with yourself.
Sunday ~ August 04, 2019
- The first step towards change is the acceptance of what is right now.
Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 1
Hours of Sleep: bed at 4:30am, up at 9:30am – 5 hours total
napped 11am-2pm – 3 hours
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 10:30am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 10:30am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- finished last night’s coffee
- 2 cups of coffee
- stroganoff and peas
Today’s Feelings
- nothing this morning
- worried
Notes
- woke up this morning feeling tired of being pushed away, I don’t have the energy for it anymore
- by late morning, I put on my Grumpy Bear PJs and went back to bed
- I didn’t even feel like working on my blog today
- by late morning, I put on my Grumpy Bear PJs and went back to bed
- late this afternoon, I got a phone call from Iron Knight asking me to go with him to the ER because of a tick bite
- he was freaking out so I went despite my own fear of hospitals
- his ankle has a huge bullseye mark on it
- they removed a tiny piece of the tick
- they drew 3 vials of blood from him to get a confirmation of Lyme
- I honestly thought he was going to vomit and pass out on them
- they started him on the 21 day Lyme treatment
- he spent the rest of the day with me trying to relax from that
- and I’m aware that my father didn’t approve because right now my father thinks Iron Knight is just using me
- I mean as it was, I did try to talk about my med clinic appointment coming up tomorrow a few times because I’m worried about it and he didn’t feel quite present for it
- I thought it would help him get his mind off his own things while help me process my shit, but I guess not
- bad timing on my part as usual I guess
- I thought it would help him get his mind off his own things while help me process my shit, but I guess not
- I’m really glad I was able to be of support to him in his time of emotional need
- I wish he would do the same for me
- I’m not saying this out of bitterness or as a guilt-tripping thing
- I’m saying this is the model of how true empathy and compassion works
- doesn’t matter what type of relationship it is, if someone comes to you for support you have only two choices:
- you step through the door and provide that support
- you shut the door and deny that support
- doesn’t matter what type of relationship it is, if someone comes to you for support you have only two choices:
- I wish he would do the same for me
- he was freaking out so I went despite my own fear of hospitals
Monday ~ August 05, 2019
- No one exists in a vacuum and the world doesn’t revolve around us. Connection comes from authentically tuning into and turning toward others.
Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 1h ~ Joint Pain: 1
Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 6am – 7 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- refilled vape box (vanilla tobacco 35mg) @ 6pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
- 0.5mg Ativan @ 7:45pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- a couple handful of organic cheese puffs (MSG free)
Today’s Feelings
- agitated
Notes
- med clinic appointment today this afternoon
- plan to talk to them about med adjustments
- not looking forward to that since there is always the risk of making shit worse with Bipolar
- I hate med changes, I hate fucking with my meds, but I hate the fact I’m not getting better on my own more
- I also hate the fact I’m not getting the emotional support I need from the people around me
- I hate being the go-to person for everyone, but if I need something it’s “sucks to be you”
- I’m reaching the serious deep end of fuck-it mode at this point where I want to crawl in a hole and stay there
- I hate being the go-to person for everyone, but if I need something it’s “sucks to be you”
- I also hate the fact I’m not getting the emotional support I need from the people around me
- plan to talk to them about med adjustments
- looking over the mood charts and thinking on it all, my personal assessment is that I’m actually in a mixed state of some kind rather than a full on depressive state
- Dad just lectured me this morning about how I’m making a mistake in dating Iron Knight because the guy hasn’t changed over the years and will never change
- went on to say how Iron Knight can’t seem to keep a job and supposedly has to control things with me
- Stinky helped me work through and process that
- this is not about Iron Knight, and maybe not even about me, this is my dad’s need to control and his need to feel important
- his own paranoia is poisonous to my well-being and I need to learn not to take it in to myself
- my choices are mine to make and are none of his business
- I need to break free from his control and my need for his approval
- I’m never going to get it anyhow, regardless of what I do
- I need to break free from his control and my need for his approval
- she told me she is getting good vibes from Iron Knight and I right now and that she supports what I’m doing
- she is also encouraging me to take the path of a lightworker
- Iron Knight messaged me while on break during my convo with Stinky to touch base so I told him what my dad did and what she said
- because my dad spiked my anxiety
- because my cousin said some really nice things about him
- this afternoon my dad jumps me again to add that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES will he be allowed to live here
- so… the truth of what my dad is really concerned/paranoid about comes to light
- “it’s fine if the two of you are getting back together, but you need to understand…”
- we are so not at that stage right now…
- what is with both our parents on this one?
- we are so not at that stage right now…
- “it’s fine if the two of you are getting back together, but you need to understand…”
- so… the truth of what my dad is really concerned/paranoid about comes to light
- med clinic appointment went okay even though I didn’t see my usual doctor and my nurse has been changed
- Depakote has been added, which I will start tomorrow
- Ativan has been added as a PRN
Tuesday ~ August 06, 2019
- Everyone has their limits. Be aware of yours and take the rest you need when required.
Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 1h ~ Joint Pain: 0T
Hours of Sleep: bed at 8pm night before, up at 6pm – 10 hours total
napped 2pm-5pm – 3 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 250mg Depakote @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- refilled vape box (vanilla tobacco 35mg) @ 5pm
- 250mg Depakote @ 7pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
- set vape box to recharge @ 8pm
- refilled vape pen (vanilla tobacco 35mg) @ 8pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- a couple handful of organic cheese puffs (MSG free)
Today’s Feelings
- calm most of the day
- dejected by this evening
Notes
- sleep was uninterrupted and no dreams that I can remember
- woke up feeling only slightly distant from myself this morning
- thinking it’s because of the PRN
- woke up feeling only slightly distant from myself this morning
- schedule Daily Draw posts for week 33
- still feeling a vague desire to go on a water fast for some reason and just go somewhere away from everyone to meditate for awhile – like a couple of days
- like my system needs a purge or reset or something – I don’t know
- Therapy Tuesday
- talked about a lot of things, but the biggest point she made is that I need to start only giving out energy to people equal to what I’m receiving and only to those that truly reciprocate
- it’s become so difficult to talk to Iron Knight lately about my feelings
- I don’t feel like I have an open space in which to express myself anymore
- this evening he got angry with me and told me that because we aren’t in a relationship, we don’t have to meet each other’s needs
- I told him friends still do it and he told me that friends have different needs, to which I said love still has needs: it needs to be nurtured
- and I told him that now that he’s said this, I’m having a hard time believing he loves me
- and regardless of the type of relationship, you provide emotional support to each other
- I don’t know why every time I make this request for emotional support he immediate jumps to the assumption that I am pushing for a more serious relationship
- I’m not, I’m only asking him to provide me with the same emotional support that I provide him
- if he can’t or won’t do this, then I can’t even be his friend
- I’m not, I’m only asking him to provide me with the same emotional support that I provide him
- I don’t know why every time I make this request for emotional support he immediate jumps to the assumption that I am pushing for a more serious relationship
- I told him friends still do it and he told me that friends have different needs, to which I said love still has needs: it needs to be nurtured
Wednesday ~ August 07, 2019
- We all need that boosting reinforcement, so don’t be afraid to be the uplifting beacon.
Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 1h ~ Joint Pain: 0T
Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6am – 4 hours total
sleep sucked ass
Sleep Quality: -1
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 250mg Depakote @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- refilled vape box (vanilla tobacco 35mg) @ 1pm
- 250mg Depakote @ 7pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
- 600mg Ibuprofen @ 8pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- leftover pasta and chicken
Today’s Feelings
- woke up feeling blue
- calm by evening
Notes
- Iron Knight did hang up the phone last night with plans to visit tonight, confirmed it this morning before going to work
- there was so much stress coming off him and the day has barely begun
- I don’t know how to be a safe harbor or pillar of strength for anyone if I’m already drowning
- it’s the second day with the new med added and all I’m noticing so far is a slight sense of disconnect within myself, but at least I don’t feel the overwhelming constant verge of panic
- I’m not sure this is the right med for me
- feeling a vague pressure behind my eyes
- expected a sense of relief, like waking up from a long dream – like the way it was when I started taking the Topamax – but I’m still in it or something
- started scheduling Daily Draw posts for week 34
- Iron Knight messaged me while on break, saying he will be stopping by around 7pm but it doesn’t sound like he has plans for anything romantic
- sounded more like he’s in the mood for Netflix and Snooze type of deal
- I don’t know how to request loving touch, never mind sexy time, at this point
- got bold and sent him a sexy text before taking Little Bear to OT, but didn’t linger to see his response – why not?
- he seemed to be interested with his response, but that might change by the time he gets here
- got bold and sent him a sexy text before taking Little Bear to OT, but didn’t linger to see his response – why not?
- Little Bear behaved himself in OT quite well today
- Iron Knight was too tired tonight, but promised me this Sunday and spent the evening with me in quiet conversation and snuggles
- found myself only slightly disappointed, but still comforted and safe
- I’ve come to expect him to not be in the mood, what surprised me is not being completely pushed away as well
- he also asked that come Sunday I turn off my alarms for Monday morning so he can sleep in with me
- this is a huge request, since it will mess up my meds for the day
- I would also say it risks messing up my sleep cycle, but that doesn’t look very stable right now anyhow
- this is a huge request, since it will mess up my meds for the day
- found myself only slightly disappointed, but still comforted and safe
- also want to shout out to my old high school friend, the Raven Squire, that has been offering me a ton of online support the past week or so as I’ve been struggling with my anxiety
- you’re more of a lighthouse than you know, and it’s my hope I can do the same for you as needed
- brief thundershower at 8:30pm tonight
Thursday ~ August 08, 2019
- Comfort zones are constructs of the subconscious mind to prevent us from dying. Chances are whatever it is won’t kill you, so give it a shot.
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1h ~ Joint Pain: 1T
Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 6am – 8 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 250mg Depakote @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- refilled vape box (vanilla tobacco 35mg) @ 11am
- 250mg Depakote @ 7:30pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm
Meals
- finish last night’s cup
- 3 cups of coffee
- 2 snack bags of organic Doritos (loving the fact these are MSG free!!)
Today’s Feelings
- calm this morning
- uplifted this evening
Notes
- I didn’t wake up feeling disconnected, but I’m still feeling that strange pressure in my head near my eyes and temples – both sides of my head
- saw a news article online saying there have been reports of seizures and other neurological issues from people using e-cigarettes (vaping)
- https://www.wmtw.com/article/health-alert-fda-investigating-127-reports-of-seizures-neurological-symptoms-possibly-related-to-vaping/28639606
- the FDA is looking into it, but it caught my eye because Bipolar and migraines are related to seizures and I haven’t been doing well this past year and switching to the vape was a major change for me that I made in the past year
- I’m still using the vape
- the article suggests that the cause of these reports may be due to nicotine toxicity – as in overdose
- makes me wonder if I need drop down to a lower strength liquid and see if I feel better – certainly can’t hurt
- the Veppo e-cigarette brand website said that the brand of pre-rolled cigarettes I like are roughly 16mg strength, but I’ve been using 35mg – I will say that I do feel better whenever I go back to regular tobacco
- next time I buy a bottle, I will drop down to the next lowest strength and see how I feel
- the Veppo e-cigarette brand website said that the brand of pre-rolled cigarettes I like are roughly 16mg strength, but I’ve been using 35mg – I will say that I do feel better whenever I go back to regular tobacco
- makes me wonder if I need drop down to a lower strength liquid and see if I feel better – certainly can’t hurt
- I’m staying with the nicotine only to keep the Bipolar rage in check and I’m using the vape because it doesn’t trigger Iron Knight’s asthma
- I like the vape because it allows me to know how strong it is and I can control how much, if a lower dose works for me then I will go with that
- regular tobacco doesn’t give me that – the big thing I don’t like with vaping is the damn battery and how these units seem to break on me so often
- I like the vape because it allows me to know how strong it is and I can control how much, if a lower dose works for me then I will go with that
- finished scheduling Daily Draw posts for week 34
- scheduled Chaos Rally #33
- the Lion’s Gate ceremony this evening was really cool
- fixed my Celtic earth knot necklace my sister, Mythonia, gave to me for my birthday one year
- bought some faux leather to use as a cord for the pendant this time
- hopefully it will last longer than the hemp rope I’ve been using
- bought some faux leather to use as a cord for the pendant this time
- not only did we call out and manifest our soul tribe, but we were asked to cut the cords and release unhealthy attachments to people
- she made it clear this wasn’t getting rid of them from our lives if both parties wish to remain
- it does mean the removal of constriction and pain that comes with fear
- it also means that if someone wishes to go, you are able to let them without it being devastating
- and yes, I cut those cords with Iron Knight
- I’m no longer willing to fear the unknown
- if I am being constantly pushed into the free fall, for whatever reason, then I need to embrace it and trust that somewhere in there a space is being held for me
- I need to be willing to receive it
- and yes, I cut those cords with Iron Knight
- the one leading it confirmed the dreams I’ve been having are connected to past lives in some way
- Stinky and I hadn’t told her about them either – she just knew
- as we were heading out, I saw two different tarot decks there by Marchetti that I don’t own yet that I wouldn’t mind having, but since I didn’t really have the money for it and the shop was closed for business I will have to come back another time
- they had so many other decks to look at as well
- fixed my Celtic earth knot necklace my sister, Mythonia, gave to me for my birthday one year
- drove through a heavy thundershower 10:30pm
Friday ~ August 09, 2019
- First be honest and clear with what it is you want, and then become that very thing. You attract what you are.
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1h ~ Joint Pain: 0.5
Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 6am – 7 hours total
napped 3pm-5pm – 2 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 250mg Depakote @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- refilled vape box (vanilla tobacco 35mg) @ 1pm
- 250mg Depakote @ 7pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- 20oz. bottle of Gatorade
- roast beef sub, green salad
Today’s Feelings
- woke up feeling uplifted
Notes
- Iron Knight messaged me last night and this morning asking me how the Lion’s Gate ceremony went, which made me feel really good and thought of
- 6:30am-1:30pm scheduled Chaos Rally #34
- and for some reason, I feel depleted energy wise now that it’s done
- rained today too – can’t remember if there was thunder/lightning or not
- Saturn, Jupiter, and Moon alignment begins tonight
Saturday ~ August 10, 2019
- All things change through the current of time. Allow yourself to flow with it.
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1h ~ Joint Pain: 0.5
Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 2am – 4 hours total
napped 1pm to 4:30pm -3.5 total hours
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 250mg Depakote @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 250mg Depakote @ 7pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 2 cups Gatorade
- finished coffee from last night
- 2 cups of coffee
- 20oz. bottle of Gatorade
- green salad
- a handful of mini colorful bell peppers
- the other half of my roast beef sub
Today’s Feelings
- woke up calm and feeling productive this morning
Notes
- 3am to 6am: scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 35
- this completes August
- really hoping this headache/pressure I’ve been feeling behind both my eyes and at my temples are due to the thundershowers we have been having and not due to the new meds added
- really odd timing with everything going on the past few weeks to be honest
- 6:30am to 7:40am: scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 36
- 8am to 9am: scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 37
- today when I talked with Iron Knight in messenger, he told me I could leave my alarms on when I told him about my appointment Monday morning and reminded him why I have those alarms in the first place
- this evening I seriously purged my friends list on Facebook – a lot of dead accounts and people either I’m not sure I know who they are, or I don’t even talk to at all, or why I even friended them in the first place
- also purged pages I’ve followed and placed a serious focus on more uplifting and intelligent content – really tired of logging in only to get flooded with negative garbage
