Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2019-32

Been a little rough with adjusting. Did finally see the med clinic and got meds adjusted. By the end of the week I’ve started to feel a bit more evened out. Closer to normal than I have in a long time. Really should have done this sooner.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally

  • Find clarity in the vision you hold for yourself you will need to have a good understanding of your current calling and to do this, your best bet is to focus on where you are the most energized and at peace with yourself.

Sunday ~ August 04, 2019

Daily Draw

  • The first step towards change is the acceptance of what is right now.

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 1

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4:30am, up at 9:30am – 5 hours total
napped 11am-2pm – 3 hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 10:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 10:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • finished last night’s coffee
  • 2 cups of coffee
  • stroganoff and peas

Today’s Feelings

  • nothing this morning
  • worried

Notes

  • woke up this morning feeling tired of being pushed away, I don’t have the energy for it anymore
    • by late morning, I put on my Grumpy Bear PJs and went back to bed
      • I didn’t even feel like working on my blog today
  • late this afternoon, I got a phone call from Iron Knight asking me to go with him to the ER because of a tick bite
    • he was freaking out so I went despite my own fear of hospitals
      • his ankle has a huge bullseye mark on it
      • they removed a tiny piece of the tick
      • they drew 3 vials of blood from him to get a confirmation of Lyme
        • I honestly thought he was going to vomit and pass out on them
      • they started him on the 21 day Lyme treatment
    • he spent the rest of the day with me trying to relax from that
      • and I’m aware that my father didn’t approve because right now my father thinks Iron Knight is just using me
      • I mean as it was, I did try to talk about my med clinic appointment coming up tomorrow a few times because I’m worried about it and he didn’t feel quite present for it
        • I thought it would help him get his mind off his own things while help me process my shit, but I guess not
          • bad timing on my part as usual I guess
    • I’m really glad I was able to be of support to him in his time of emotional need
      • I wish he would do the same for me
        • I’m not saying this out of bitterness or as a guilt-tripping thing
        • I’m saying this is the model of how true empathy and compassion works
          • doesn’t matter what type of relationship it is, if someone comes to you for support you have only two choices:
            • you step through the door and provide that support
            • you shut the door and deny that support

Monday ~ August 05, 2019

Daily Draw

  • No one exists in a vacuum and the world doesn’t revolve around us. Connection comes from authentically tuning into and turning toward others.

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 1h ~ Joint Pain: 1

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape box (vanilla tobacco 35mg) @ 6pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 0.5mg Ativan @ 7:45pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • a couple handful of organic cheese puffs (MSG free)

Today’s Feelings

  • agitated

Notes

  • med clinic appointment today this afternoon
    • plan to talk to them about med adjustments
      • not looking forward to that since there is always the risk of making shit worse with Bipolar
      • I hate med changes, I hate fucking with my meds, but I hate the fact I’m not getting better on my own more
        • I also hate the fact I’m not getting the emotional support I need from the people around me
          • I hate being the go-to person for everyone, but if I need something it’s “sucks to be you”
            • I’m reaching the serious deep end of fuck-it mode at this point where I want to crawl in a hole and stay there
  • looking over the mood charts and thinking on it all, my personal assessment is that I’m actually in a mixed state of some kind rather than a full on depressive state
  • Dad just lectured me this morning about how I’m making a mistake in dating Iron Knight because the guy hasn’t changed over the years and will never change
    • went on to say how Iron Knight can’t seem to keep a job and supposedly has to control things with me
    • Stinky helped me work through and process that
      • this is not about Iron Knight, and maybe not even about me, this is my dad’s need to control and his need to feel important
      • his own paranoia is poisonous to my well-being and I need to learn not to take it in to myself
      • my choices are mine to make and are none of his business
        • I need to break free from his control and my need for his approval
          • I’m never going to get it anyhow, regardless of what I do
      • she told me she is getting good vibes from Iron Knight and I right now and that she supports what I’m doing
      • she is also encouraging me to take the path of a lightworker
    • Iron Knight messaged me while on break during my convo with Stinky to touch base so I told him what my dad did and what she said
      • because my dad spiked my anxiety
      • because my cousin said some really nice things about him
    • this afternoon my dad jumps me again to add that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES will he be allowed to live here
      • so… the truth of what my dad is really concerned/paranoid about comes to light
        • “it’s fine if the two of you are getting back together, but you need to understand…”
          • we are so not at that stage right now…
            • what is with both our parents on this one?
  • med clinic appointment went okay even though I didn’t see my usual doctor and my nurse has been changed
    • Depakote has been added, which I will start tomorrow
    • Ativan has been added as a PRN

Tuesday ~ August 06, 2019

Daily Draw

  • Everyone has their limits. Be aware of yours and take the rest you need when required.

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 1h ~ Joint Pain: 0T

Hours of Sleep: bed at 8pm night before, up at 6pm – 10 hours total
napped 2pm-5pm – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 250mg Depakote @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape box (vanilla tobacco 35mg) @ 5pm
  • 250mg Depakote @ 7pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • set vape box to recharge @ 8pm
  • refilled vape pen (vanilla tobacco 35mg) @ 8pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • a couple handful of organic cheese puffs (MSG free)

Today’s Feelings

  • calm most of the day
  • dejected by this evening

Notes

  • sleep was uninterrupted and no dreams that I can remember
    • woke up feeling only slightly distant from myself this morning
      • thinking it’s because of the PRN
  • schedule Daily Draw posts for week 33
  • still feeling a vague desire to go on a water fast for some reason and just go somewhere away from everyone to meditate for awhile – like a couple of days
    • like my system needs a purge or reset or something – I don’t know
  • Therapy Tuesday
    • talked about a lot of things, but the biggest point she made is that I need to start only giving out energy to people equal to what I’m receiving and only to those that truly reciprocate
  • it’s become so difficult to talk to Iron Knight lately about my feelings
    • I don’t feel like I have an open space in which to express myself anymore
    • this evening he got angry with me and told me that because we aren’t in a relationship, we don’t have to meet each other’s needs
      • I told him friends still do it and he told me that friends have different needs, to which I said love still has needs: it needs to be nurtured
        • and I told him that now that he’s said this, I’m having a hard time believing he loves me
        • and regardless of the type of relationship, you provide emotional support to each other
          • I don’t know why every time I make this request for emotional support he immediate jumps to the assumption that I am pushing for a more serious relationship
            • I’m not, I’m only asking him to provide me with the same emotional support that I provide him
              • if he can’t or won’t do this, then I can’t even be his friend

Wednesday ~ August 07, 2019

Daily Draw

  • We all need that boosting reinforcement, so don’t be afraid to be the uplifting beacon.

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 1h ~ Joint Pain: 0T

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6am – 4 hours total
sleep sucked ass

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 250mg Depakote @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape box (vanilla tobacco 35mg) @ 1pm
  • 250mg Depakote @ 7pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 8pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • leftover pasta and chicken

Today’s Feelings

  • woke up feeling blue
  • calm by evening

Notes

  • Iron Knight did hang up the phone last night with plans to visit tonight, confirmed it this morning before going to work
    • there was so much stress coming off him and the day has barely begun
    • I don’t know how to be a safe harbor or pillar of strength for anyone if I’m already drowning
  • it’s the second day with the new med added and all I’m noticing so far is a slight sense of disconnect within myself, but at least I don’t feel the overwhelming constant verge of panic
    • I’m not sure this is the right med for me
    • feeling a vague pressure behind my eyes
    • expected a sense of relief, like waking up from a long dream – like the way it was when I started taking the Topamax – but I’m still in it or something
  • started scheduling Daily Draw posts for week 34
  • Iron Knight messaged me while on break, saying he will be stopping by around 7pm but it doesn’t sound like he has plans for anything romantic
    • sounded more like he’s in the mood for Netflix and Snooze type of deal
    • I don’t know how to request loving touch, never mind sexy time, at this point
      • got bold and sent him a sexy text before taking Little Bear to OT, but didn’t linger to see his response – why not?
        • he seemed to be interested with his response, but that might change by the time he gets here
  • Little Bear behaved himself in OT quite well today
  • Iron Knight was too tired tonight, but promised me this Sunday and spent the evening with me in quiet conversation and snuggles
    • found myself only slightly disappointed, but still comforted and safe
      • I’ve come to expect him to not be in the mood, what surprised me is not being completely pushed away as well
    • he also asked that come Sunday I turn off my alarms for Monday morning so he can sleep in with me
      • this is a huge request, since it will mess up my meds for the day
        • I would also say it risks messing up my sleep cycle, but that doesn’t look very stable right now anyhow
  • also want to shout out to my old high school friend, the Raven Squire, that has been offering me a ton of online support the past week or so as I’ve been struggling with my anxiety
    • you’re more of a lighthouse than you know, and it’s my hope I can do the same for you as needed
  • brief thundershower at 8:30pm tonight

Thursday ~ August 08, 2019

Daily Draw

  • Comfort zones are constructs of the subconscious mind to prevent us from dying. Chances are whatever it is won’t kill you, so give it a shot.

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1h ~ Joint Pain: 1T

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 250mg Depakote @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape box (vanilla tobacco 35mg) @ 11am
  • 250mg Depakote @ 7:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • finish last night’s cup
  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 2 snack bags of organic Doritos (loving the fact these are MSG free!!)

Today’s Feelings

  • calm this morning
  • uplifted this evening

Notes

  • I didn’t wake up feeling disconnected, but I’m still feeling that strange pressure in my head near my eyes and temples – both sides of my head
  • saw a news article online saying there have been reports of seizures and other neurological issues from people using e-cigarettes (vaping)
    • https://www.wmtw.com/article/health-alert-fda-investigating-127-reports-of-seizures-neurological-symptoms-possibly-related-to-vaping/28639606
    • the FDA is looking into it, but it caught my eye because Bipolar and migraines are related to seizures and I haven’t been doing well this past year and switching to the vape was a major change for me that I made in the past year
      • I’m still using the vape
      • the article suggests that the cause of these reports may be due to nicotine toxicity – as in overdose
        • makes me wonder if I need drop down to a lower strength liquid and see if I feel better – certainly can’t hurt
          • the Veppo e-cigarette brand website said that the brand of pre-rolled cigarettes I like are roughly 16mg strength, but I’ve been using 35mg – I will say that I do feel better whenever I go back to regular tobacco
            • next time I buy a bottle, I will drop down to the next lowest strength and see how I feel
      • I’m staying with the nicotine only to keep the Bipolar rage in check and I’m using the vape because it doesn’t trigger Iron Knight’s asthma
        • I like the vape because it allows me to know how strong it is and I can control how much, if a lower dose works for me then I will go with that
          • regular tobacco doesn’t give me that – the big thing I don’t like with vaping is the damn battery and how these units seem to break on me so often
  • finished scheduling Daily Draw posts for week 34
  • scheduled Chaos Rally #33
  • the Lion’s Gate ceremony this evening was really cool
    • fixed my Celtic earth knot necklace my sister, Mythonia, gave to me for my birthday one year
      • bought some faux leather to use as a cord for the pendant this time
        • hopefully it will last longer than the hemp rope I’ve been using
    • not only did we call out and manifest our soul tribe, but we were asked to cut the cords and release unhealthy attachments to people
      • she made it clear this wasn’t getting rid of them from our lives if both parties wish to remain
      • it does mean the removal of constriction and pain that comes with fear
      • it also means that if someone wishes to go, you are able to let them without it being devastating
        • and yes, I cut those cords with Iron Knight
          • I’m no longer willing to fear the unknown
          • if I am being constantly pushed into the free fall, for whatever reason, then I need to embrace it and trust that somewhere in there a space is being held for me
            • I need to be willing to receive it
    • the one leading it confirmed the dreams I’ve been having are connected to past lives in some way
      • Stinky and I hadn’t told her about them either – she just knew
    • as we were heading out, I saw two different tarot decks there by Marchetti that I don’t own yet that I wouldn’t mind having, but since I didn’t really have the money for it and the shop was closed for business I will have to come back another time
      • they had so many other decks to look at as well
  • drove through a heavy thundershower 10:30pm

Friday ~ August 09, 2019

Daily Draw

  • First be honest and clear with what it is you want, and then become that very thing. You attract what you are.

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1h ~ Joint Pain: 0.5

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 6am – 7 hours total
napped 3pm-5pm – 2 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 250mg Depakote @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape box (vanilla tobacco 35mg) @ 1pm
  • 250mg Depakote @ 7pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 20oz. bottle of Gatorade
  • roast beef sub, green salad

Today’s Feelings

  • woke up feeling uplifted

Notes

  • Iron Knight messaged me last night and this morning asking me how the Lion’s Gate ceremony went, which made me feel really good and thought of
  • 6:30am-1:30pm scheduled Chaos Rally #34
    • and for some reason, I feel depleted energy wise now that it’s done
  • rained today too – can’t remember if there was thunder/lightning or not
  • Saturn, Jupiter, and Moon alignment begins tonight

Saturday ~ August 10, 2019

Daily Draw

  • All things change through the current of time. Allow yourself to flow with it.

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1h ~ Joint Pain: 0.5

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 2am – 4 hours total
napped 1pm to 4:30pm -3.5 total hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 250mg Depakote @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 250mg Depakote @ 7pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups Gatorade
  • finished coffee from last night
  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 20oz. bottle of Gatorade
  • green salad
  • a handful of mini colorful bell peppers
  • the other half of my roast beef sub

Today’s Feelings

  • woke up calm and feeling productive this morning

Notes

  • 3am to 6am: scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 35
    • this completes August
  • really hoping this headache/pressure I’ve been feeling behind both my eyes and at my temples are due to the thundershowers we have been having and not due to the new meds added
    • really odd timing with everything going on the past few weeks to be honest
  • 6:30am to 7:40am: scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 36
  • 8am to 9am: scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 37
  • today when I talked with Iron Knight in messenger, he told me I could leave my alarms on when I told him about my appointment Monday morning and reminded him why I have those alarms in the first place
  • this evening I seriously purged my friends list on Facebook – a lot of dead accounts and people either I’m not sure I know who they are, or I don’t even talk to at all, or why I even friended them in the first place
    • also purged pages I’ve followed and placed a serious focus on more uplifting and intelligent content – really tired of logging in only to get flooded with negative garbage

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