Steady progress this week. Only a few bumps in the road of an otherwise quiet week.
Mood Score Key:
Sliding Hypomania = 1 ~ Hypomania = 2 ~ Mania = 3 ~ Baseline (My Normal) = 0
Sliding Depression = -1 ~ Depression = -2 ~ Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State
Energy Score Key:
Low = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ High = 1
Irritation Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Anxiety Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Migraine Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h
Joint Pain Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T
Sleep Quality Score Key:
Bad = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ Great = 1
Special Notes for the Week
Menses Start Date: ~
Weigh-In at Med Clinic: 161.5 lbs. 09/05/2019
Sunday ~ September 01, 2019
Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 4am – 5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 250mg Depakote @ 7:45am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7:45am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7:45am
- 500mg Metronidazole @ 7:45am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
- 500mg Metronidazole @ 7pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- meat wrapped cheeses
- handful of organic cheese puffs
Today’s Feelings
- pissed that the boys woke me up at 4am
- annoyed I’m out of my own meds on a damn Sunday
- heartbroken
Notes
- after bitching yesterday about going to pick up Scholar Owl’s meds at the last minute because he was out of them, I find out that I’m out of meds this morning when I sat down to fill my med box
- Karma is a bitch
- I should have checked before heading out yesterday afternoon
- my beef yesterday was that I had just gone to pick up meds mid-week
- drafted Chaos Rally #51
- drafted Chaos Rally #52
- some of the things Tuxedo Cat’s father said to me this morning was gut wrenching
- just when I thought I was doing pretty stable with this too
- private notes
Monday ~ September 02, 2019
Mood: -0.5 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0.5
Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 5:30am – 8.5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 250mg Depakote @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 500mg Metronidazole @ 7am
- 250mg Depakote @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 500mg Metronidazole @ 7am
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
- couple handfuls of chips
- couple of slices of fresh honeydew, green salad
Today’s Feelings
- calm first thing this morning
- melancholy all day
Notes
- bought regular tobacco today – going back to rolling my own cigarettes, fuck this
- actually starting to feel more normal for a change
- had a conversation with my dad about how much I miss playing FFXI and he asked me how much it costs to play monthly (his body language suggested to me he was considering covering the cost)
- I quickly explained to him that getting my tarot business off the ground is more important to me and I know the game is a huge time sink (it really is)
- it surprised me how supportive and responsive he was to this
- he told me that if the business is that important to me then I really do need to focus on that (he always did want me to give up the games but never found anything to motivate me to do that – guess I finally found something more important on my own)
- yes, I do miss the game but not enough to give up tarot or blogging
- he told me that if the business is that important to me then I really do need to focus on that (he always did want me to give up the games but never found anything to motivate me to do that – guess I finally found something more important on my own)
- it surprised me how supportive and responsive he was to this
- I quickly explained to him that getting my tarot business off the ground is more important to me and I know the game is a huge time sink (it really is)
- scheduled Chaos Rally #37
- scheduled Chaos Rally #38
- rained all day
- Tuxedo Cat’s father visited today
- it was bittersweet to see him, but I’m grateful that he didn’t push me or Little Bear away as he spent time with Tuxedo Cat
Tuesday ~ September 03, 2019
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1 ~ Joint Pain: 2T
Hours of Sleep: bed at 8pm, up at 1am – 5 hours total
napped 2pm to 5pm – 3 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 250mg Depakote @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 500mg Metronidazole @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
- 600mg Ibuprofen @ 9am
- refilled vape box (mint 25mg) @ 10:30am
- 600mg Ibuprofen @ 2pm
- 250mg Depakote @ 7pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
- 500mg Metronidazole @ 7pm
Meals
- 4 cups of coffee
- chips and dip
- 3 slices of honeydew and a section of roast beef sub
Today’s Feelings
- not sure, trying not to emotionally disconnect but I think I am anyhow
Notes
- Therapy Tuesday
- cried during the session, but not ugly kind of crying
- she told me what I already knew: that walling myself off emotionally again as I had before will only lead me to death – literally
- and yes, I fully understand the biological process of this
- suppressed and unexpressed emotions find a way to release themselves into the body, damaging issues
- healthy expression of every emotion is imperative for the wellness of every human being
- I have so much programming to unlearn
- and things are coming in waves and I wonder if meds are the answer here
- I’m so damn tired all the time
- and things are coming in waves and I wonder if meds are the answer here
- I have so much programming to unlearn
- healthy expression of every emotion is imperative for the wellness of every human being
- suppressed and unexpressed emotions find a way to release themselves into the body, damaging issues
- and yes, I fully understand the biological process of this
- bought new vape wells and a lower nicotine level liquid for the car and when I’m around Stinky
- after my nap, I spent the evening purging Little Bear’s room and getting laundry done – much to Scholar Owl’s annoyance
- I needed his help since I have tendonitis in my left shoulder right now and can’t use it
- heaven forbid I show him and Tuxedo Cat how to do laundry and expect them to do it tonight
- heaven forbid I expected them to help me pick shit up and take trash out
- and heaven forbid I didn’t let him fight with Little Bear about any of it
- private notes
Wednesday ~ September 04, 2019
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 1T
Hours of Sleep: bed at 10:30pm night before, up at 6am – 7.5 hours total
I know I had a dream, but I don’t remember it
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 250mg Depakote @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 500mg Metronidazole @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
- 250mg Depakote @ 7pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
- 500mg Metronidazole @ 7pm
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
- couple of handfuls of chips
- Mac & Cheese, Sliced Ham, Fresh Honeydew, and then a homemade fruit smoothie
Today’s Feelings
- numb
Notes
- Tuxedo Cat’s father still chats with me every morning and yes, I do find happiness in it and look forward to it – what is hard is feeling like I’m not allowed to tell him that I still love him
- if he’s not saying it… is it appropriate for me to do so?
- been updating the tarot themed music lists on my YouTube channel by adding the songs from the music thread over at Tarot, Tea, & Me
- took Little Bear to OT and then grocery shopping
- Little Bear helped me with dinner and watched She-Ra episodes with me on Netflix
Thursday ~ September 05, 2019
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 1T
Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 5am – 8 hours total
had some difficulty getting out of bed this morning
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 250mg Depakote @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 500mg Metronidazole @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
- 250mg Depakote @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 500mg Metronidazole @ 7am
Meals
- finished last night’s coffee
- 2 cups of coffee
- section of roast beef sub and handful of chips
- homemade fruit smoothie
Today’s Feelings
- disappointed
- uplifted
Notes
- OMT appointment this morning
- the provider seemed really interested and supportive of my desire to launch my life coaching tarot business
- not even sure now how we got on the subject, but I’m glad we did
- reminds me of how supportive my physical therapist was too
- not even sure now how we got on the subject, but I’m glad we did
- the provider seemed really interested and supportive of my desire to launch my life coaching tarot business
- Med clinic appointment this afternoon
- Depakote and Ativan discontinued
- switching back to cigarettes has stopped the weirdness going on with my chest that I originally thought was panic attacks
- the fatigue, headaches, mild increase in brain fog was more than I wanted to deal with and then the lab work showed that my ammonia levels were elevated
- the current plan is to learn new coping skills to add to my tool box
- Depakote and Ativan discontinued
- okay, so Tuxedo Cat’s father just abruptly stopped sending me texts
- I was the last one to send him a text and I’ve come to realize that I’ve been the one to initiate all the conversations the last few days, so the ball is completely in his court now
- if talking to me is as important to him as he says it is, he will need to start investing some energy into it to get that from me
- I was the last one to send him a text and I’ve come to realize that I’ve been the one to initiate all the conversations the last few days, so the ball is completely in his court now
- so fucking tired of all the running around I have to do every. damn. day.
- still working on the tarot song lists
- private notes
Friday ~ September 06, 2019
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 2T
Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 5am – 6 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- 22oz. of water x2
- roughly 2/3 of a third bottle
- couple handfuls of Twizzlers
- 1 fresh apple
- 3 fried eggs, over medium
Today’s Feelings
- woke up feeling content
- annoyed later in the day
Notes
- 5am to 9am: working on blog today
- scheduled Chaos Rally #39
- worked on Chaos Rally #40
- 12pm to 2pm: working on blog today
- finished scheduling Chaos Rally #40
- started working on Chaos Rally #41
- Little Bear exploded over not being able to find a LEGO piece, escalated over it, and as a result busted a hole in the wall
- my response? purged the room and made him help before talking to my parents about it
- he now has a list of chores to do to pay back the damages
- my response? purged the room and made him help before talking to my parents about it
Saturday ~ September 07, 2019
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 1T
Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 5:30am – 8.5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
- finished that 1/3 bottle of water
- 22oz. of water
- I ate an entire package of fudge filled cookies
- cheese, sausage, and crackers
Today’s Feelings
- content
Notes
- 5am to 9:30am: worked on blog
- finished scheduling Chaos Rally #41
- scheduled Chaos Rally #42
- Tarot Talk event
- got some serious advice about starting out as a professional reader
- hung out with my cousin, Stinky, who no longer wants to be called this nickname in person and I completely understand why
- it’s a childhood thing and we’re not children anymore
- my nickname, Toadie, doesn’t come from our childhood
- names have power, and I shed the ones I carried as a child – she is allowed to do the same
- I wonder what she would rather me call her on my blog instead
- we worked on Little Bear’s birthday present
- did a Theta session to release a bunch of shit
- it’s a childhood thing and we’re not children anymore