Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2019-36

Steady progress this week. Only a few bumps in the road of an otherwise quiet week.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: 161.5 lbs. 09/05/2019

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ September 01, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 4am – 5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 250mg Depakote @ 7:45am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:45am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:45am
  • 500mg Metronidazole @ 7:45am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 500mg Metronidazole @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • meat wrapped cheeses
  • handful of organic cheese puffs

Today’s Feelings

  • pissed that the boys woke me up at 4am
  • annoyed I’m out of my own meds on a damn Sunday
  • heartbroken

Notes

  • after bitching yesterday about going to pick up Scholar Owl’s meds at the last minute because he was out of them, I find out that I’m out of meds this morning when I sat down to fill my med box
    • Karma is a bitch
    • I should have checked before heading out yesterday afternoon
    • my beef yesterday was that I had just gone to pick up meds mid-week
  • drafted Chaos Rally #51
  • drafted Chaos Rally #52
  • some of the things Tuxedo Cat’s father said to me this morning was gut wrenching
    • just when I thought I was doing pretty stable with this too
  • private notes

Monday ~ September 02, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -0.5 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0.5

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 5:30am – 8.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 250mg Depakote @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 500mg Metronidazole @ 7am
  • 250mg Depakote @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 500mg Metronidazole @ 7am

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • couple handfuls of chips
  • couple of slices of fresh honeydew, green salad

Today’s Feelings

  • calm first thing this morning
  • melancholy all day

Notes

  • bought regular tobacco today – going back to rolling my own cigarettes, fuck this
    • actually starting to feel more normal for a change
  • had a conversation with my dad about how much I miss playing FFXI and he asked me how much it costs to play monthly (his body language suggested to me he was considering covering the cost)
    • I quickly explained to him that getting my tarot business off the ground is more important to me and I know the game is a huge time sink (it really is)
      • it surprised me how supportive and responsive he was to this
        • he told me that if the business is that important to me then I really do need to focus on that (he always did want me to give up the games but never found anything to motivate me to do that – guess I finally found something more important on my own)
          • yes, I do miss the game but not enough to give up tarot or blogging
  • scheduled Chaos Rally #37
  • scheduled Chaos Rally #38
  • rained all day
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father visited today
    • it was bittersweet to see him, but I’m grateful that he didn’t push me or Little Bear away as he spent time with Tuxedo Cat

Tuesday ~ September 03, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1 ~ Joint Pain: 2T

Hours of Sleep: bed at 8pm, up at 1am – 5 hours total
napped 2pm to 5pm – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 250mg Depakote @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 500mg Metronidazole @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 9am
  • refilled vape box (mint 25mg) @ 10:30am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 2pm
  • 250mg Depakote @ 7pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 500mg Metronidazole @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • chips and dip
  • 3 slices of honeydew and a section of roast beef sub

Today’s Feelings

  • not sure, trying not to emotionally disconnect but I think I am anyhow

Notes

  • Therapy Tuesday
    • cried during the session, but not ugly kind of crying
    • she told me what I already knew: that walling myself off emotionally again as I had before will only lead me to death – literally
      • and yes, I fully understand the biological process of this
        • suppressed and unexpressed emotions find a way to release themselves into the body, damaging issues
          • healthy expression of every emotion is imperative for the wellness of every human being
            • I have so much programming to unlearn
              • and things are coming in waves and I wonder if meds are the answer here
                • I’m so damn tired all the time
  • bought new vape wells and a lower nicotine level liquid for the car and when I’m around Stinky
  • after my nap, I spent the evening purging Little Bear’s room and getting laundry done – much to Scholar Owl’s annoyance
    • I needed his help since I have tendonitis in my left shoulder right now and can’t use it
    • heaven forbid I show him and Tuxedo Cat how to do laundry and expect them to do it tonight
    • heaven forbid I expected them to help me pick shit up and take trash out
    • and heaven forbid I didn’t let him fight with Little Bear about any of it
  • private notes

Wednesday ~ September 04, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 1T

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10:30pm night before, up at 6am – 7.5 hours total
I know I had a dream, but I don’t remember it

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 250mg Depakote @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 500mg Metronidazole @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 250mg Depakote @ 7pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 500mg Metronidazole @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • couple of handfuls of chips
  • Mac & Cheese, Sliced Ham, Fresh Honeydew, and then a homemade fruit smoothie

Today’s Feelings

  • numb

Notes

  • Tuxedo Cat’s father still chats with me every morning and yes, I do find happiness in it and look forward to it – what is hard is feeling like I’m not allowed to tell him that I still love him
    • if he’s not saying it… is it appropriate for me to do so?
  • been updating the tarot themed music lists on my YouTube channel by adding the songs from the music thread over at Tarot, Tea, & Me
  • took Little Bear to OT and then grocery shopping
  • Little Bear helped me with dinner and watched She-Ra episodes with me on Netflix

Thursday ~ September 05, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 1T

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 5am – 8 hours total
had some difficulty getting out of bed this morning

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 250mg Depakote @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 500mg Metronidazole @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 250mg Depakote @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 500mg Metronidazole @ 7am

Meals

  • finished last night’s coffee
  • 2 cups of coffee
  • section of roast beef sub and handful of chips
  • homemade fruit smoothie

Today’s Feelings

  • disappointed
  • uplifted

Notes

  • OMT appointment this morning
    • the provider seemed really interested and supportive of my desire to launch my life coaching tarot business
      • not even sure now how we got on the subject, but I’m glad we did
        • reminds me of how supportive my physical therapist was too
  • Med clinic appointment this afternoon
    • Depakote and Ativan discontinued
      • switching back to cigarettes has stopped the weirdness going on with my chest that I originally thought was panic attacks
      • the fatigue, headaches, mild increase in brain fog was more than I wanted to deal with and then the lab work showed that my ammonia levels were elevated
      • the current plan is to learn new coping skills to add to my tool box
  • okay, so Tuxedo Cat’s father just abruptly stopped sending me texts
    • I was the last one to send him a text and I’ve come to realize that I’ve been the one to initiate all the conversations the last few days, so the ball is completely in his court now
      • if talking to me is as important to him as he says it is, he will need to start investing some energy into it to get that from me
  • so fucking tired of all the running around I have to do every. damn. day.
  • still working on the tarot song lists
  • private notes

Friday ~ September 06, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 2T

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 5am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 22oz. of water x2
    • roughly 2/3 of a third bottle
  • couple handfuls of Twizzlers
  • 1 fresh apple
  • 3 fried eggs, over medium

Today’s Feelings

  • woke up feeling content
  • annoyed later in the day

Notes

  • 5am to 9am: working on blog today
    • scheduled Chaos Rally #39
    • worked on Chaos Rally #40
  • 12pm to 2pm: working on blog today
    • finished scheduling Chaos Rally #40
    • started working on Chaos Rally #41
  • Little Bear exploded over not being able to find a LEGO piece, escalated over it, and as a result busted a hole in the wall
    • my response? purged the room and made him help before talking to my parents about it
      • he now has a list of chores to do to pay back the damages

Saturday ~ September 07, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 1T

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 5:30am – 8.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • finished that 1/3 bottle of water
  • 22oz. of water
  • I ate an entire package of fudge filled cookies
  • cheese, sausage, and crackers

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • 5am to 9:30am: worked on blog
    • finished scheduling Chaos Rally #41
    • scheduled Chaos Rally #42
  • Tarot Talk event
    • got some serious advice about starting out as a professional reader
  • hung out with my cousin, Stinky, who no longer wants to be called this nickname in person and I completely understand why
    • it’s a childhood thing and we’re not children anymore
      • my nickname, Toadie, doesn’t come from our childhood
      • names have power, and I shed the ones I carried as a child – she is allowed to do the same
        • I wonder what she would rather me call her on my blog instead
    • we worked on Little Bear’s birthday present
    • did a Theta session to release a bunch of shit

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