Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2019-42

Long week, but ended on a high note.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ October 13, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 4:30am – 6.5 hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • green salad

Today’s Feelings

  • ambivalent

Notes

  • tired of bleak dreams filled with despair
    • this morning I woke up hanging from the root of a tree on the edge of a cliff on a sky island with Little Bear talking to me like it was no big deal – he had no idea I was about to die
  • tried talking to Tuxedo Cat’s father on messenger this morning
    • he obviously didn’t want to talk about anything I wanted to talk about and I’m at a point where I don’t believe he really loved me
  • scheduled Daily Draw for 2020 – Week 4 (7 posts)
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father visited with the boys tonight
    • I had planned on not being there, but I got pulled over for my expired inspection sticker coming out of the grocery store parking lot so I went home
      • this of course launched a challenging conversation between us since he had promised me to fix my car back in the end of June when the sticker expired in July
        • he fixed the brakes, a tie rod end, and the heat shielding for me in August but for some reason felt that I had to get the windshield and tires done first before the body
          • but what really what was bothering me was the fact that back then he insisted there was no rush because cops won’t worry about my sticker until next year when all the stickers are a different color
            • I believed him because he used to do inspections
    • it also stings when he tells me I can come to him to talk to him about anything, but when I try to he tells me he doesn’t want to talk about it
      • so basically, it’s I can talk to him about anything he wants to talk about – that’s not what makes someone a real friend
      • and there are so many other weird contradictions like this
        • like telling me he loves me but doesn’t want to be with me, yet really wants us to be friends
  • I know I need to stop taking responsibility for other people’s behavior and feelings
    • it’s not my job to make sense of it, explain, or teach
    • it’s not my job to anticipate and accommodate either

Monday ~ October 14, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 5:30am – 6.5 hours total
napped 3pm to 6pm – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 8am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 2pkgs. instant oatmeal, 4 slices buttered wheat toast

Today’s Feelings

  • sad – ugly tears most of the day

Notes

  • I think I have finally figured out WHY it has been so damn hard for me to let my attachment to Tuxedo Cat’s father go, thanks to this article:
    • Letting Go of The Past: How We Can Let Go
      • yeah, the guilt and regret will fade easily enough
        • my emotions are like storms and the tide
          • they come and go, not a big deal
      • it’s the loss and breakdown of my routine
        • I made the mistake of building my daily life and routines around him
          • not sure if it’s a mistake exactly, since it’s human nature to do this with anyone you spend a significant amount of time with
            • it’s just I’m finding it exceptionally difficult to restore the structure of my time
          • this is why I do fairly okay most of the week now, but every Saturday night and all day Sunday I destabilized and then I spend Monday trying to recover
            • Sunday is his day to visit the boys
              • I’m no longer a part of it
              • not only do I need to fill the void throughout the week, I’m left sitting on the outside during this time slot
                • this time doesn’t belong to me and I have no business to even want it
                  • I feel so selfish
          • I’m a creature of habit and routine
            • until I have a new, stable routine for myself, I’m going to be a wreck
              • it’s not really the loss of him that’s the crisis here
                • the crisis is that I lost a way of being and doing
                  • and through that… I lost some sense of purpose
    • that and I guess a part of me wanted him to help me heal my inner child – I still have no idea how I’m supposed to do that
      • there’s a lot of things I know I should be doing and need to be doing that I have no clue how to accomplish or achieve
  • scheduled Daily Draw for 2020 – Week 5 (7 posts)
  • private notes

Tuesday ~ October 15, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 5am – 7 hours total
Little Bear stayed up all night

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • therapy Tuesday
    • ended up having to pick up Little Bear from school and take him home just before my appointment because he was having a tantrum
      • I think he lack of sleep finally caught up to him
  • I didn’t get any work on the blog done today
    • well, I did share content on the Facebook page if that counts, but honestly I feel like that’s just puttering around when I have writing to be getting done
    • I did spend most of the day chatting with Raven Squire though, so that was nice and highly enjoyable

Wednesday ~ October 16, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 4am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • half of a roast beef sub

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • scheduled Emotional Tarot: Chariot
  • scheduled Chaos Wave: Nine of Cups
  • scheduled Emotional Tarot: Strength
  • scheduled Chaos Wave: Ten of Cups
  • Little Bear’s OT

Thursday ~ October 17, 2019

Mood: 1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 8pm, up at 4am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • missed AM meds
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 5 cups of coffee
  • other half of my roast beef sub
  • small section of supreme sub

Today’s Feelings

  • uplifted and energized

Notes

  • heavy rainstorm middle of the night and into this morning
  • Tuxedo Cat’s well check
  • spent the majority of the day in a very deep dive of a rabbit hole on this site: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Main_Page
    • I came upon it via Facebook and was open minded enough to suspend disbelief until I hit a page that was very anti-vax
      • so this is where I take the philosophical bits that make sense and resonate to me and just discard the rest
        • alien stuff aside, things like the Law of Intent actually makes total sense to me for example
      • it’s not the first time I’ve come across stuff like this and quite frankly, we have too many people around the world – through out history – that have mentioned fragments of some really weird shit
        • both extraterrestrial and paranormal
        • so I’m not ruling anything out, especially since I’ve seen my own fair share of things I will never be able to fully explain either
          • I just prefer to sit with a healthy dose of science too is all
    • however, it does make one wonder about great classic fiction writers back in the day sometimes – like H.P. Lovecraft
      • like what the fuck did he see or experience in his life to inspire him to write what he did?

Friday ~ October 18, 2019

Mood: 1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 5am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • bottle of raspberry Clearly Canadian
  • bacon cheese fries

Today’s Feelings

  • uplifted and cheerful

Notes

  • coffee date with Raven Squire went well today
    • was nice to have an organic conversation that didn’t feel like anyone was competing for the spotlight
    • he lent me a copy of “The Undiscovered Self” by C.G. Jung
      • I look forward to reading it

Saturday ~ October 19, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 4am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 9am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 9am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • cheese and crackers

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • not sure why, but I felt the need to play around on MuseScore today

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