Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2019-43

Been a rough week. Glad it’s over.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ October 20, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10:30pm night before, up at 6am – 7.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • most of a roast beef sub

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • finished the music piece I started yesterday on MuseScore and started another one – not sure what I’m going to do with this, but it’s an interesting process

Monday ~ October 21, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 1am – 4 hours total
Little Bear woke me up while playing around and found Scholar Owl still awake as well
napped 1pm to 3pm  – 2 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds forgotten
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • finished the rest of my roast beef sub
  • section of supreme sub

Today’s Feelings

  • calm in AM
  • stressed this afternoon
  • calm this PM

Notes

  • IEP for Little Bear
    • he came with me, but had an episode towards the end
    • took him home with me and spent time with him
      • we tried out a guided meditation for children together
      • read a story out loud
      • took a nap
      • after the nap, I finally got around to picking out two games with the Xbox points I got for my birthday while watching a YouTube let’s play of Danganronpa Another Episode: Ultra Despair Girls
        • which reminded me vaguely of Persona in some ways – just in terms of tone and feel of the story, not game play

Tuesday ~ October 22, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • PM meds missed

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • Scholar Owl’s well check
  • Therapy Tuesday

Wednesday ~ October 23, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 6am – 9 hours total
fell asleep while watching Bleach with Little Bear

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 3 bottles of mocha iced coffees
  • 1 bottle of berry flavored Propel
  • loaded beef and bean homemade burrito

Today’s Feelings

  • I don’t know how to define this

Notes

  • spent the entire day with Tuxedo Cat’s father getting the body of my car fixed
    • at one point I cried, otherwise it was nice
      • he acted like the friend he used to be
        • like he always was, but couldn’t be when we were dating
          • the friend I still needed when we were dating
          • this is the friend I love dearly and this is what hurts the most
      • at the end of the day he told he still thinks we’re not compatible and I told him I didn’t agree
        • if we weren’t, how could we have such a pleasant day together?
        • and I told him I couldn’t live like this
          • I can’t be drawn to him like this and not be wanted
          • I have never really needed him
            • I have always been able to do everything on my own
              • and he told me he knew this
            • so if I’m not wanted, I will do whatever I can to permanently sever this twin flame connection
              • because I don’t need it either
            • all these years I have done EVERYTHING by myself – including raising HIS son
              • I even went to the IEP meetings alone because he told everyone at the last one he went to that he wanted NOTHING to do with them and that he trusted me to make all the decisions
                • so I just fucking did it, alone
                  • took all the responsibility, sacrificed all my fun and a huge chunk of my identity
                    • I’m still doing it now
                      • because that’s what he wanted
    • it fucking rained most of the day
      • when the rain stopped, I ended up with such a hard chill
        • I didn’t get rid of it until I got home to my parents’ wood stove for some reason
    • he did give me money so I could buy Tuxedo Cat a Halloween costume
      • not sure why he asked me about Scholar Owl wanting a costume, but not Little Bear
        • maybe since Scholar Owl is 18 now?
  • I resent every single one of those fathers to some extent

    • I have raised their sons that they claim to be so fucking proud of all by myself with zero help
      • and child support does not fucking count – I didn’t see a dime of that until a court order was in place and in two cases the state started collecting
      • visiting your kid once in awhile doesn’t count in one’s upbringing
        • one father visited a whole two times in Scholar Owl’s entire life
        • one plays the role of “Disney Land Dad” twice a year
        • the last one comes over weekly and does what? just sit there most of the time
          • this one has the greatest potential to be actively involved, to do things with them, and be a real father to these boys the way they are desperately wanting one, but he’s pulling away from them as much as he’s pulled away from me
            • they feel it as much as I do
              • I wish he could see that
  • and yeah, I didn’t miss the fact that almost everything I started to talk about today got cut off and not one single compliment was returned
    • I seriously need to free myself of this attachment/addiction or whatever the fuck this is – forever
      • I can’t function like this

Thursday ~ October 24, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 2am, bed at 3pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • leftover burrito

Today’s Feelings

  • ugh

Notes

  • three dreams – all involving him, all involving me nearly dying
    • first: he comes to visit and takes the boys out, but when they return home they find that I’ve been shot by my current lover – who also shot Little Bear’s father who it would unexpectedly showed up, and his dog – and then shot himself
      • I don’t know who the guy was and find it odd that the dream was broken and in third person, but I had been left for dead
        • as in the guy with the gun assumed I was dead
      • when they got back home, the police and ambulance were there taking care of everything and I was being rushed off to the hospital
    • second: another dream in third person
      • I go missing, my car is found with evidence of foul play somewhere on some random ass back road with my stuff still in it – like my wallet and shit
        • I stay missing for long enough that Tuxedo Cat ends up with his father and Little Bear ends up with his
          • Scholar Owl stays with my parents
      • but then something weird happens, something I don’t understand in the dream, Tuxedo Cat’s father is in court with Scholar Owl vouching for him
        • some reason, Little Bear’s father is deemed unfit and if someone related to Little Bear isn’t willing to take him in or adopt him, he will go into the foster system
          • Tuxedo Cat and Scholar Owl are his brothers, which makes them the first candidate for a home
            • when did Scholar Owl end up with them?
            • how much time has passed, and why am I still missing?
              • they’re specifically talking adoption here in the courtroom with this weird ass dream
        • I don’t know if the adoption goes through, but I’m found out in a fucking field, way out but where the road was that my car was found, wrapped in some blanket – naked and near dead
          • like I had been dumped there to be found
          • obviously abused in multiple ways
            • of the three, I think this one was the most messed up and confusing
      • third: also in third person
        • someone, no idea who, admitted me to inpatient against my will and because of how I feel about hospitals, I rapidly began to decline
          • this of course means I stay there longer
        • for some reason, Little Bear was also admitted to the pediatric wing at the same time
          • this also doesn’t help my wellness at all
          • the most odd thing about this dream is the staff allowed me to visit him – which I don’t think would be allowed in real life if any of this were to occur
        • and of course, my family isn’t visiting either one of us
          • like at all – ever
        • Tuxedo Cat’s father finds out who admitted me and that no one is bringing the other two boys to visit, and starts doing it
          • I don’t know why in the dream the name of the person that admitted me can’t be heard when everything else can
  • why does it matter to me that the dreams were in third person?
    • usually these type of dreams are prophetic in some symbolic way
    • and to have 3 of them in a row in one night – all dealing with the same set of people – is just fucking weird
      • I would like to brush it off as just anxiety, but I know better
  • and I guess my biggest issue is that I realized yesterday as I saw my friend as he used to be, as he always was, before we became boyfriend and girlfriend, the person I fell deeply in love with is that THIS is the person that I love and THIS is the person I will always love
    • and how do I fucking deal with that?
    • and why did I lose my best friend while we were dating?
      • why was I robbed of that when friendship should be the solid foundation of a relationship?
        • that more than anything hurts the most because now I don’t feel I can trust the friendship at all
  • Little Bear’s well check
  • Little Bear had an incident at school afterwards and I had to pick him up
    • he stabbed a teacher with a pencil
      • she showed me the pinprick sized injury
        • seriously not cool of my child
  • had to take the boys shopping for Halloween costumes
    • and of course, Little Bear caused problems
    • we get home and my dad tells me the principal had called and plans to call back in the morning

Friday ~ October 25, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 5am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • couple handfuls of corn chips
  • leftover burrito

Today’s Feelings

  • dull this morning

Notes

  • someday… I’m going to be okay
    • I just don’t know when
      • I’m just tired of feeling like I have a huge hole inside of me
      • I’m tired of feeling like I’m bleeding everywhere
        • I’m tired of being expected to make it stop right now
        • I’m tired of not knowing how to make it stop
      • I’m just fucking tired
        • I’m seriously done with it all
    • I don’t have my shit together yet
    • I’m still figuring everything out while taking care of three boys
      • one of which seems to be hell bent on sliding back into acute care right now
  • Little Bear has been suspended until Wednesday
    • the principal and I agreed that we need to roll back his IEP to what it was in the beginning of the year
      • the escalation didn’t begin until we started making changes
        • once again I wonder if homeschool would be a better choice for him
    • according to my dad, this is my fault because I’m not letting them make changes
      • I’m the one that requested they give Little Bear recess which is what prompted the changes in the first place
        • the problem is, they made too many changes all at once
          • this is where they didn’t listen to me
          • it should have been only one change this month, but they made like ten, most of which involved increasing his involvement with the regular classroom
            • which I let them do and signed off on, even though I knew where it was going to go
              • because, sometimes you just need to learn things the hard way
              • and, who the fuck knows? it was entirely possible that Little Bear could have surprised us and handled it well
                • it was seriously worth the shot
      • so fuck my dad – he’s never there at the IEP meetings
        • he doesn’t know what he’s talking about
        • traditional schooling isn’t the perfect fit for everyone
          • he should know this given how he is so quick to tell the story about how he got fucked over back in the day
        • he just seems to be mad that he isn’t the one calling the shots on this

Saturday ~ October 26, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am, up at 10am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 1 cups of tea
  • burrito
  • popcorn

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • spent the day watching Bleach and playing video games with Little Bear

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