This week’s NaNo progress is coming along in fits and starts, but it’s crawling. The rest of my life feels about the same right now.

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Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1

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Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: 11/03/2019 (25 days)

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

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Sunday ~ November 03, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am, up at 8:30am – 4.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 8am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
• 1 multivitamin @ 8am
• 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 8am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

• 4 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

• productive

Notes

• today’s word count: 3414
• total word count: 5512

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Monday ~ November 04, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0A ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10:30pm night, up at 6am – 7.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• missed completely

Meals

Today’s Feelings

• woke up feeling unfocused and hungover
  • which sucks because I haven’t had any alcohol in months
• zero focus and no drive today

Notes

• Tuxedo Cat’s IEP meeting went well at least
  • the school staff did encourage me to look into the types of guardianship after adulthood
    • it was something I wasn’t planning on doing, but they’re of the opinion that due to his support needs that I should do it
      • it bothers me to know that this is the only way to get continued social supports in adulthood
        • why must someone be stripped of their individual sovereignty in order to get that?
          • to get a life coach
          • to get assisted living
          • to get vocational rehab
          • to get any number of other things intended to integrate someone into the community
            • we have to first strip away the single most important thing: their autonomy?
• today’s word count: 0
• total word count: 5512

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Tuesday ~ November 05, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 8pm night before, up at 11pm night before – 3 hours total – bed at 12am, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
• 1 multivitamin @ 7am
• 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

• 2 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

• mildly productive

Notes

• therapy appointment cancelled on me this morning
• today’s word count: 2608
• today’s novel total: 8120

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Wednesday ~ November 06, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
• 1 multivitamin @ 7am
• 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
• PM meds missed

Meals

• ? cups of coffee
• roast beef sub

Today’s Feelings

• down

Notes

• I’m tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of being so fucking drained
  • seriously, I’m ready to be completely over this right now
• Little Bear’s OT
• today’s word count: 1012
• today’s novel total: 9132

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Thursday ~ November 07, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: -2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 6pm night before, up at midnight – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
• 1 multivitamin @ 7am
• 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

• copious amounts of coffee – more than 5 cups by the end of the day

Today’s Feelings

• self negation most of the day

Notes

• dark thoughts just crept in harder today, making it hard to focus
  • no fucking idea why I thought it was a good idea to reach out to Tuxedo Cat’s father, but I did
    • it went poorly
    • he keeps saying that he cares about me and that he wants to still be my friend, but ever since we had become boyfriend and girlfriend in 2018 he continues to fail to show it for some reason
      • I don’t know why this change has occurred, but he was my best friend, THE trusted person, and a solid rock in my life prior to us ever dating this time around
        • it doesn’t look like he ever will be again, unlike in the past – as much as this hurts
          • I will probably never be able to understand
            • I struggle to come to terms with this
• OMT appointment this afternoon, after that
• student led parent-teacher conference with Tuxedo Cat
  • only I was available to go with him this time around
• thankfully, Raven Squire was kind enough to spend time with me in person this evening to cheer me up
  • it was refreshing to have an organic conversation with someone that didn’t involve competing for the spotlight, cutting anyone off, or changing the subject to themselves
    • it flowed naturally without control on either side
    • best of all? he got along with and ran with Little Bear’s vibe
      • it’s not everyday you see my youngest son actually chill the fuck out with someone
• today’s word count: 4886
• today’s novel total: 14,018

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Friday ~ November 08, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10:30pm night before, up at 6am – 7.5 hours total
bed at 12pm, up at 4pm – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
• 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
• 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7:30am
• PM meds missed

Meals

• 3 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

• calm this AM
• unfocused this PM

Notes

• Tuxedo Cat’s father reached out to me this morning
  • he was friendly and supportive
    • I don’t know anything anymore
• unable to focus on shit today
• today’s word count: 537
• today’s novel total: 14,555

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Saturday ~ November 09, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6:30am – 6.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
• 1 multivitamin @ 7am
• 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

• 5 cups of coffee
• 1oz. bag of Fritos x2
• lost count of the Dots I’ve eaten at this point
• cheese, sausage, and crackers

Today’s Feelings

• mildly stressed that I’m so far behind my novel’s word count goals

Notes

• today’s word count goal: 16,548
• today’s word count: 6,942
• today’s novel total: 21,497
• I guess I’ve gone back to being invisible in Tuxedo Cat’s father’s book
  • I don’t know when I can and can’t reach out to him anymore
    • he’s ALWAYS busy
    • the last time I spent time with him in person was when he was working on my car and he even cut me off when I tried to talk to him about a book I was reading
      • he had never done that to me before – ever
      • he had never said to me that he wasn’t interested or that he didn’t want to listen to what I had to say
      • and no, the time he worked on my car before that he WAS willing to talk to me about whatever – and we did
      • and this isn’t the only time when this has happened
      • so of course I end up complaining about it and then we spiral into hashing out the past as I try to prove that this is a repeated pattern that’s been going on
    • so how am I supposed to feel safe to talk to him when he has repeatedly made it clear that he doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say?
    • why do I want to talk to someone who’s auto response is, “I don’t want to talk about it,” without even realizing that I was talking about a book, a movie, or the kids?
    • or if it’s online, I message and he just blows me over and talks about something else like I didn’t even say anything most of the time unless it is about the kids – yesterday was a rare exception
      • but I’m the one that is so hard to talk to and I’m the one that is completely at fault here
        • I honestly don’t know why I am trying anymore
          • all I can do is match his effort, I guess

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