Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2019-46

This week has been messed up and NaNoWriMo for me has bogged down to a serious crawl.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ November 10, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: I don’t even know, I failed to document it

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • Fritos and Dots

Today’s Feelings

  • wrecked

Notes

  • I ended up having a very long conversation with Tuxedo Cat’s father when he came to visit our son
    • he kept saying he wanted a clean slate
    • at one point he came out with how he felt that Light Flower’s theta healing session didn’t work or that he “called it back” as she puts it
    • he’s still using the soap he bought for me
  • today’s word count: 2312
  • today’s novel word count total: 23809

Monday ~ November 11, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: I slept off and on most of the day

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • drained

Notes

  • the conversation continued between Tuxedo Cat’s father and I on Facebook messenger
    • I flat out asked him to let me go and tell me that he didn’t want me, didn’t love me, and to leave him the fuck alone
      • he told me that he can’t do that
      • I told him that I couldn’t let him go either because of that
    • I told him I couldn’t be just his friend because he was my best friend and it was my best friend that I fell in love with
      • I told him that I still desire to hear it and feel loved by him
      • I’m tired of the pain and toxicity between us
      • I don’t understand why my best friend disappeared the moment we became boyfriend/girlfriend this last time around – I will never understand it
      • I told him I am willing to work with him where ever he’s currently at provided it isn’t toxic
      • I told him that I need him to be open, honest, and authentic with me and I need to feel safe enough to do the same with him
      • I told him that as long as he feels it, then I need to hear it and if the day comes that he no longer loves me then I need him to tell me
        • I need to feel safe enough to do the same, with the understanding we’re just friends
        • he says he’s okay with this
          • I hope he understands this means boyfriend privileges and benefits are not included with this because I am assuming, based on how he treated me during that so called open relationship phase of ours, that girlfriend privileges and benefits are not
      • I made it clear that I am willing to match his effort and energy, but if it remains toxic and painful, I will vanish from his life
  • today’s word count: 0
  • today’s novel word count total: 23809

Tuesday ~ November 12, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: I don’t even know, I failed to document it – just know that Little Bear went to sleep around 5:30pm and woke me up around 2am and I went back to sleep and got out of bed for the day at 5:30am when the school called for a snow day

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • hot dogs

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • Little Bear was sick all day
  • school canceled due to weather
  • cancelled my therapy appointment
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father was pleasant and open with me all day
    • he’s dealing with a bunch of shit with his parents though
    • he even told me that he loved me
  • today’s word count: 1566
  • today’s novel word count total: 25375

Wednesday ~ November 13, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 2 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: I don’t even know, I failed to document it – Little Bear disrupted it though, and I got out of bed at 6am

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • leftover burritos

Today’s Feelings

  • stressed

Notes

  • Little Bear’s IEP meeting cancelled
    • AFTER I waited in the office for it 30 mins.
    • rescheduled for tomorrow
  • fucking blew a tire on the interstate on the way to Little Bear’s OT appointment
    • we were two exits away from where we needed to be
    • a very nice stranger pulled over and helped me get the donut tire put on
    • by the time it was all said and done, we missed the appointment
  • Dad said he would help me get a new tire
  • windshield decided to crack even more
  • sadly, I didn’t get the ice cream for Tuxedo Cat’s father like I wanted to
    • he went to the dentist today
  • today’s word count total: 0
  • today’s novel word count total: 25375

Thursday ~ November 14, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 7:30pm, up at 2am – 6.5 hours total
Little Bear woke me up and try as I could, I never did get back to sleep

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • ambivalent

Notes

  • Little Bear’s IEP meeting
    • actually went well
    • the director and I discovered there wasn’t a crisis plan or a behavioral improvement plan in his records and we were both like, “there needs to be one” and the teacher had no idea what we were talking about, claiming the behavioral data was it and we were like, “no, this determines the current baseline”
      • we created the crisis plan
      • the behavioral analysis guy is supposed to come up with the behavioral improvement plan
        • I made suggestions based on what has been discovered in OT and what does work at home
          • this explains why some of my earlier suggestions haven’t been used, because the behavior improvement plan didn’t exist for them to go into
  • spent the rest of the day with my dad getting a new tire
    • took way longer than expected
      • he selected and paid for the tire
    • we ended up shooting the shit long after too
      • like until 11pm
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father left a message for requesting to reschedule his visit with Tuxedo Cat to this Saturday because he wants to go to his friend’s birthday party Sunday after he finishes working on my car
    • I find it interesting that he’s willing to make plans with and change plans for pretty much everyone else except me
      • it makes me feel like I am not his friend
        • I’m tired of being invisible
      • the only time he made plans with me is when we were dating, which was barely and mostly just to “hang out”, now I’m just here as:
        • someone to vent to
        • someone he might talk to when he visits his son
        • someone he might reach out to during the holidays
      • any other time I have to reach out to him to have some semblance of a stilted conversation
        • I still desire a deep and meaningful connection
        • I’m tired of empty shallowness with people
  • today’s word count total: 0
  • today’s novel word count total: 25375

Friday ~ November 15, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11:30pm, up at 6am – 6.5 hours total
slept off and on for the rest of the day

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • 4oz. Swedish Fish
  • popcorn

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • mammogram appointment
  • pretty much slept the rest of the day
  • while I was sleeping, Dad checked the rest of my tires and decided to buy replacements for the rest of them
  • today’s word count total: 0
  • today’s novel word count total: 25375

Saturday ~ November 16, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 9am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 11am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 11am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 11am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 11am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 9pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • mac & cheese

Today’s Feelings

  • fucked if I know

Notes

  • I’m struggling not to question the intentions of people right now
  • struggling to focus on anything, particularly writing
  • today’s word count total: 1077
  • today’s novel word count total: 26452

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