Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2019-47

This week has been insanely rough and I feel like I’m just slowly sinking into the pit of despair. I’m barely functioning and all I want to do is sleep. Any time I try to reach out for support if I get a response at all, it’s that I need to improve my self-esteem and believe that things will get better.

First off, self-esteem is not the source of the problem. Second, things get better when you address the issues not ignore them. And I need help getting things taken care of. Period. I don’t understand why it feels like it requires so much effort to be treated like a basic human being. It shouldn’t.

I feel defeated and increasingly don’t want to wake up each day.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: 11/23/19

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ November 17, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • PM meds forgotten

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • one really big bottle of iced coffee
  • large fountain Dr. Pepper (that Little Bear finished)
  • cold fried chicken, potato salad
  • Twizzlers

Today’s Feelings

  • mixed, but content overall

Notes

  • today’s word count: 1894
  • today’s novel word count total: 28346
  • getting really frustrated that none of my scheduled posts are going live like they’re supposed to lately
    • I’ve had to go back and manually post them
  • additionally, I seriously dislike the blocks feature in posting more and more – I miss being able to open up a blank post and just start typing
  • took my car over to Tuxedo Cat’s father’s place to get the rest of the body work done
    • ended up verbally clarifying what friendship means to me and where my hard line boundaries are with that
      • I will never be okay with being treated as an option
        • not even as just a friend
      • I will never be okay with feeling invisible
        • not even as just a friend
      • I also made it clear that boyfriend benefits will never be available as long as we were just friends
        • I’m tired of feeling yanked around on this push-pull cycle only to be told that he’s afraid that I might get the wrong idea or wrong impression
          • why else do you think I ask so directly upfront so often about intentions?
          • I’m bored of bullshit games
      • I restated that I am willing to match his effort and energy so long as it wasn’t painful or toxic
        • I made it clear if we remained painful or toxic that I will vanish from his life forever
          • I don’t care if he’s just a friend, I won’t stick around for this kind of treatment
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father asked me if I wanted to go to the movie theater after the car was done and made a point to remind me it wasn’t a date
    • we settled on Joker
    • I made a point to let him know that we would be paying for our own tickets since it wasn’t a date and we were going as just friends
      • he seemed a bit surprised but that’s a boyfriend privilege and I am strapped for money right now as it is
        • I have been for years now truth be told
        • and I wasn’t going to assume that he was paying for my ticket – it wasn’t a date after all
      • don’t want me to get the wrong idea? that’s fine, allow me to make it very clear to you how I roll solo
    • the movie was good
      • I felt it demonstrated not just the breakdown of society, but also the failure of the mental health care system very well
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father’s car broke down on the way home
    • a spark plug wasn’t just lose, but it also broke
      • I don’t know much about cars, but I do know that the fact it broke means the plug had been loose for awhile
        • which means he had been driving it like that and for whatever reason he hadn’t bothered to find out why it had been doing what it was doing
          • he had chose to avoid addressing the issue
          • I’m not sure why this bothers me other than I know he has gone to school to be an auto mechanic and has never fucked up my car when he’s worked on it – like ever

Monday ~ November 18, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
bed at 6:30am, up at 10am – 3.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • meds forgotten

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • Twizzlers
  • popcorn

Today’s Feelings

  • unfocused

Notes

  • today’s word count: 0
  • today’s novel word count total: 28346
  • school was cancelled mid-day
  • got a phone call from the women’s health office
    • they want to do more scans on my left breast
    • an unusual dense mass was found in the mammogram
      • it’s my first mammogram, so they don’t have a baseline for me but still… I know what “unusual dense mass” tends to mean when breast cancer runs in your family
        • I had a first cousin die from it a few years ago
          • I was still living in that shitty apartment with the leaky roof at the time no less
          • the last time I had seen her was the Christmas before she passed away
  • the windshield is going to cost me $350 to replace and they can’t get me in until sometime next week
    • they’re supposed to call me back to schedule an appointment
  • ex-father-in-law wants to visit this coming Saturday
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father let me know he discovered the threads for where the spark plug goes in is stripped
    • so it’s a temp fix for now, but it can slowly work itself out
    • I still don’t understand why he didn’t check it this over sooner
    • apparently, it goes directly into the

Tuesday ~ November 19, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 8 hours total
bed at 6:30am, up at 9:30am – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 10am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 10am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 10am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 10am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • calm this morning
  • stressed this afternoon
  • exhausted by evening

Notes

  • today’s word count: 0
  • today’s novel word count total: 28346
  • the glass company called me this morning and said they can fit me in today and asked if I could come in at 11am
    • like I’m going to tell them no?
    • they broke the windshield while trying to seal it, so now I’ve got to go back in Friday for a new one
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father told me this morning that his temporary fix with the spark plug issue failed
    • not sure exactly what he tried to do, but if the threads are stripped out it sounds like you need to replace things
      • he’s talking a new used car
        • this just means a different set of problems in my experience
  • Therapy Tuesday

Wednesday ~ November 20, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed by 9:30pm, up at 1:30am – 4 hours total
couldn’t go back to sleep, so I decided to write instead
too bad it seems Little Bear decided to wake up too at this time and be grumpy

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • fried chicken and salad

Today’s Feelings

  • down

Notes

  • today’s word count: 2988
  • today’s novel word count total: 31334
  • decided to divide my total novel word count goal between this month and next, it’s alleviating some of the pressure
    • looking at my spreadsheet now, I’m not behind with NaNo
  • seriously not happy with how WordPress is functioning lately
  • follow up mammogram
    • everything turned out okay
  • Little Bear’s OT
    • he was very cooperative once we got there
    • but he was awful to me on the way there
      • to the point that it brought me to sobs
    • he was happy at least to make his own salad for dinner

Thursday ~ November 21, 2019

Mood: -1.5 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 8pm, up at 2am – 6 hours total
woke up wishing I hadn’t
bed at 11:30am, up at 2:30pm – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • fried chicken and salad

Today’s Feelings

  • down

Notes

  • today’s word count: 1146
  • today’s novel word count total: 32480
  • becoming increasingly tired of a certain set of people telling me that it’s my self-esteem or self-worth that is the source of my problems
    • funny how it’s been only ever my parents, the fathers of my children, my sister, and now my cousin who have ever said this
      • I don’t even remember the two therapists I hated ever saying this to me
      • you can struggle to take your power back without self-esteem being the root cause if you have been raised to obey your parents without question since infancy
  • betrayal trauma, along with sanctuary trauma, has become a theme in my therapy discussions lately
    • as in, what is it and how to address and heal from it
    • I’m starting to understand why as I pay more attention to the dynamics of the relationships in my life
      • it’s depressing, since it’s not as simple as saying “fuck it” and walking away from everything
        • I say this only because the easiest way to change behavior is to change the environment
    • you know the whole, “if a flower isn’t blooming don’t change the flower, change the environment it’s growing in”?
      • when the root of the problem is generations of toxicity… and you’re beginning to realize you’re deeply enmeshed… and you’re not the only one… where exactly do you go when you  and your children have special needs, and they are the only support system you have ever known?
  • everything is fucked up all the time
    • you’re trying to tell your cousin how your father is trying to rush a relationship on you because you went on three dates with a guy and now he’s telling everyone that this guy is your new boyfriend
      • but your dad is the one who will tell you that YOU are the one that moves too fast and that this is YOUR problem
      • your cousin’s response? it’s my problem because it’s a self-esteem issue and I’m running away from myself…
        • either I miscommunicated something in a serious way or my cousin wasn’t paying attention
          • the problem is, this sort of thing happens all the time
    • I go into a deep dive rant this morning with Tuxedo Cat’s father about how I feel so beat down and exhausted that I’m done along with a conversation about his car and an embarrassing meme he supposedly tagged me by accident in
      • after 5 minutes of not replying to me or saying anything, he tells me he’s going to work – no encouragement, no uplifting emotional support, no nothing
      • all he cared about was making sure I wasn’t angry at him about getting tagged in that fucking meme, and once he established that, he was out of there
        • some fucking friend
        • and at no point did he follow back up on how I was feeling or doing emotionally today
          • instead he touched back about my car and the baby a restaurant owner just had because he had to drive him home from the car dealer he works at
            • using the car he’s trying to buy
          • but sure, completely ignore the feelings I clearly expressed and spelled out this morning
      • but any time he rants to me about the shit he’s dealing with and feeling, I’m expected to listen and give him emotional support
        • I’m tired of people taking from me and not giving back
        • I need emotional support and respite
          • and I’m tired of being told that it’s too much to ask for or worse, being punished for bringing it up
            • I can’t keep up anymore, I’m empty
    • my mother taught me how to cook when I was 8 years old and ever since she hasn’t had to cook, but now she bitches at me how I’m supposed to be cooking every single meal for my boys, who I didn’t teach to cook until they were in junior high
      • even my dad has confirmed my memory and says she doesn’t cook now and doesn’t understand her double standard
      • BUT two days later he’ll jump on her band wagon and tell me I need to be doing it
      • it’s not just the cooking, it’s all of the chores
        • the mind fuckery in this house is insane
    • I’m seriously at a point where I want all of this to end, forever
      • I don’t want to deal with it anymore
  • had to pick up Little Bear early today for flipping chairs
    • by the time I got there, I found him calmly playing Jenga
    • I had to take a sock out of the room that was filled with broken pieces of fence in it that no one mentioned until I got there and throw it away before taking him home
      • no idea where he got that from
  • met with a new case worker for the family today
    • hopefully we will get some things sorted out and rolling
  • my coffee machine is dying

Friday ~ November 22, 2019

Mood: -1.5 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 3am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • roast beef sub and sour cream and onion chips

Today’s Feelings

  • defeated

Notes

  • today’s word count: 0
  • today’s novel word count total: 32480
  • I’m wishing I never shared my NaNo goals on my personal Facebook
    • not only are people not supportive, there are people in my life that are actively distracting me from my efforts to write
      • there are people actively draining my energy into other things that don’t have anything to do with my life at all
  • Little Bear’s med clinic appointment went well
  • social worker from the school called to inform me that the principal is suspending Little Bear from school until Dec 2nd because he had a weapon yesterday, which nobody bothered to tell me about until I got there and I was the one that took it and threw it out
    • now the principal wants a risk assessment done before he can come back to school – like wtf?
    • the supposed weapon? the fucking sock with the pieces of fence in it – I find out today that he had been swinging it around at people
      • when they called, they only told me that he had been flipping chairs – I’m fucking pissed
      • and when I got there he was calm and fine like nothing happened – which is completely not like him at all
  • Little Bear’s father is actually on board with the idea of homeschooling now thanks to the fuckery with the school

Saturday ~ November 23, 2019

Mood: -1.5 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 2 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 7:30pm, up at 3:30am – 8 hours total
slept off and on all day due to migraine

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1 vitamin B complex supplement @ 7am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 8am
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 8am
  • 50mg Benedryll @ 8am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 6pm
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 6pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • brownie bites

Today’s Feelings

  • broken

Notes

  • today’s word count: 0
  • today’s novel word count total: 32480
  • it’s okay for me to be supportive and cheer everyone else on when they vent to me, but I’m expected to carry and handle whatever I’m dealing with and believe in myself on my own, by myself
    • that shit is getting old
    • what’s creepy and unsettling is my ex-husband is being ultra supportive and understanding as of late
      • I don’t trust that at all given all he has put me through in the past
  • ex-father-in-law cancelled his visit for today due to car problems
    • he may or may not make it over tomorrow, depending on weather
      • expecting freezing rain and ice storms
  • thanks to this migraine all day that I woke up with this first thing morning, I seriously feel ready to die

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