Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-01

Been one hell of a week in the way of anxiety.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ December 29, 2019

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still need to pick up meds

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • Twizzlers

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • scheduled Character Tarot p07-p14 (8 posts)
  • scheduled Character Tarot s01-s02 (2 posts)
  • it was nice to be able to cuddle with Iron Knight tonight

Monday ~ December 30, 2019

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 5am – 7 hours total
napped 4pm to 8pm – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still need to pick up meds

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 2 bowls of rice chex
  • part of leftover roast beef sub

Today’s Feelings

  • really good this morning
  • uneasy by afternoon

Notes

  • it was super uplifting to be able to chat with my cousin, Light Flower, this morning on the phone
    • almost 2 hours I think
  • tagged my ex-husband’s bumper in the driveway today and it cracked pretty bad
    • he said it was no big deal but would let me know later
      • because of this, I agree with my dad that I should just report it to my insurance
  • it was also really nice to chat with Raven Squire this afternoon for about an hour on messenger
    • he seems to be the only person that doesn’t mind how fast I type or the fact I find it easier to write in order to express myself
  • it’s a bummer that I failed to get plans set up for New Year’s Eve this year
    • I’m craving adult social interaction in a really serious way
      • I’m tired of feeling invisible among family
        • I guess this is why the day ended on a low point, even though I completely understand why Iron Knight is so tired and wasn’t up to really chat tonight
        • doesn’t help that I found out Little Bear ate half of my Twizzlers, which was my Santa gift this year
          • I know this feeling is why my ex-husband and I talked about conversational boundaries
            • I told him what he talks about isn’t what upsets me, but that it’s being cut into conversation and talked over when I was already talking to someone and it deeply concerns me that Little Bear is starting to do the same now
  • I need to get my meds refilled very soon
    • the fact that my appetite is increasing tells me the meds are no longer in my system
    • and I don’t know if the sleep issue will clear up once I get them back
      • I just know that I feel tired physically all the time even though my mind is running at high speeds
  • I just wanted someone to hold me tonight and tell me everything is going to be okay but couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone
    • I don’t know why I feel so isolated right now, but I do
      • and I know, deep down, I’m the only one that can fix it
    • how much of this is because of no meds? I don’t know
      • I just know that I spoke the truth to my dad when I said it has recently occurred to me I can’t expect people to meet my needs if I’m not directly expressing them
        • the problem I have is I don’t always know what it is I need exactly
          • I’ll know something isn’t right and something needs to be done about it, but I don’t always have any idea as to what will help
            • identifying my needs so I can express them clearly and directly is a skill I need to develop
  • scheduled Character Tarot s03-s05 (3 posts)

Tuesday ~ December 31, 2019

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9am, up at 2pm – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still need to pick up meds
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 8:30am

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • the rest of my roast beef sub
  • canned ravioli and BBQ chips

Today’s Feelings

  • I’m not sure from morning to the afternoon
  • mixed feelings by evening

Notes

  • scheduled Character Tarot s06-s14 (9 posts)
  • scheduled Character Tarot 00-09 (10 posts)
  • spent the evening with Iron Knight
    • we were planning to take the kids to see Frozen II at the local theater that had posted a free viewing for families and New Years
      • the showing got postponed to tomorrow due to weather
      • his daughter was so upset, she went home with her mother
        • I feel bad because a 6 yr old doesn’t understand these things well
      • on the plus side, her mother is 100% on board with her daughter getting to hang out with Tuxedo Cat
        • she gave me verbal confirmation that us having a wood stove doesn’t cause problems with their daughter’s asthma
          • which was something I have been seriously worried about
        • I made a point to let her know that her other daughter is very welcome to hang out as well
          • I noticed that she seemed a little put out when we were talking about family and it made me happy to see her light up when I said this
            • I know the circumstances around her biological father
            • AND honestly, having more adults to love and care for any one child is never a bad thing
              • children desperately need to know they matter and that they are loved
                • I remember this about my own childhood growing up
                  • it really is critically important
              • so yes, far as I’m concerned she is Tuxedo Cat’s sister too
    • Iron Knight ended up staying until midnight
    • he talked about hanging out with another girl this coming Friday
      • once again it brought up the discussion about our relationship status being kept private
        • I understand how he doesn’t want his life on public display – I do
        • but I also don’t think he fully comprehends the degree of distress it causes me knowing and feeling that I’m some kind of secret
          • I really don’t like that at all
          • he hasn’t even told this other girl about me
            • where is the transparency we agreed to?
              • he seems to think it only applies to me when that isn’t how I see it
              • if he really isn’t a player like he keeps claiming, he would be transparent with everyone
                • I foresee serious problems popping up due to a lack of transparency about us with others
                  • I sure as fuck don’t want some woman suddenly getting in my face for “taking her man” all because she didn’t know about us to start with
        • a part of me wants to change my status anyway, but without his name to protect his privacy, so that I can at least be true to myself with the openness and honesty that I thrive in
          • I feel like I can’t date someone else if I’m not disclosing this
            • and in my experience, guys are fairly picky about this sort of thing
              • they tend to want to be sure you’re honestly in an open relationship first because nobody wants to get their ass kicked in just because someone lied about it – which I completely understand
              • that and no one really wants to be a revenge date
                • this is the leading cause of women having affairs by the way
            • so yes, I feel safer and more comfortable with full transparency all around
              • no, I don’t feel the need to give people a play by play of my relationships on Facebook
                • that’s not what this is at all
                • in fact, there is a HUGE reason as to why my blog is anonymous and everyone mentioned in here has a code name
                  • it’s an online journal of all the shit running in my mind and I want total freedom to be able to say exactly what’s on my mind as it arises
                  • having it online provides conveniences that a notebook doesn’t
              • I just really don’t like feeling I’m living in some kind of deception game
                • it’s not healthy in the long run to do that
                • and I don’t like the icky feeling that comes from any kind of lying
  • Private Notes

Wednesday ~ January 01, 2020

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still need to pick up meds

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • uneasy and emotional

Notes

  • hopefully tonight the local theater is open for their free viewing event
  • 6am to 3pm – scheduled Character Tarot 10-Thanks (13 posts)
    • and that finishes the series
  • 3pm to 5pm – scheduled Chaos Rally 2020-01
  • 5pm to 6pm – started working on Chaos Rally 2020-02
  • Iron Knight and I chatted online about the secrecy concern
    • he says he thinks he understands why I find it so triggering
    • right now he wants privacy on his Facebook – which I understand
      • but in giving him this, I need more patience and support to establish the sense of security I need in return
        • he says all he is asking for is privacy and space, but he also wants his freedom
          • I’m willing to give him this as long as my emotional needs are met
            • I need to feel loved and like an honest to god date when we’re together
              • not just a co-parent or friend or someone to hang out with
                • I really don’t want things to play out like last time
                  • I fucking hate it when we’re together somewhere with people and I end up feeling like I have the plague
                    • shit like that is so damaging to a person’s self-esteem
                      • I don’t want to do that to someone and I don’t want it done to me
      • I get that he is making sacrifices for me, I just hope he realizes that I’m making sacrifices for him in this too
        • I’m sacrificing my need to have my level of commitment reciprocated by offering this middle ground
          • no one wants to give up on their fairy tale ending, but I am for so many reasons – I know I will never have what I thought I would have as a child
            • I need this acknowledged on an emotional level
              • not saying my fairy tale won’t ever happen, it just won’t ever look like how I imagined prior to this
                • it needs to be rebuilt from scratch
                  • I have no idea what it looks like right now
                • even though I’m rebuilding, it doesn’t stop the grieving from happening
                  • I’m sad that because of who and what I am, I can’t have what I was raised to believe that I should have
                    • and I’m afraid because I don’t know yet what I want my fairy tale to look like to replace that
                      • I just know what my parents want for me doesn’t work
    • I am truly grateful that our communication has become more open and vulnerable, even when it’s hard
      • I truly appreciate his willingness to work with me to find a balance that is good for both of us
      • I also appreciate him telling me that he isn’t saying never, just not right now
        • but in telling me that, it creates a carrot
          • I hope he understands the significance and magnitude of this
            • there is a fear that it will never happen no matter how much I give or how long I wait
              • it would be easier for me to trust in this if he hadn’t yanked carrots away from me in the past
                • so yes, I am afraid
      • I also deeply appreciate and value the fact that he says my blog is fine and understands now how important it is for me to use it as a safe space to process my thoughts and emotions
        • again, this is why I keep it anonymous
          • I am aware that I am at risk for delusions and emotional flashbacks and while in it, I don’t know it’s happening
            • I know that because of this I could say, feel, or believe things that aren’t rooted in reality
              • having suffered from gaslighting in the past doesn’t help with this
                • it’s difficult sometimes to know what is real and what isn’t – especially when you don’t know who to trust
                  • all I have are patterns to go by and even then I’m not always sure those are real
                  • this is also why I tend to question so much out of everything
          • so I need a safe space to express all that, sort it out, and keep track of it without damaging others
            • otherwise, I feel really lost, alone, and out there in a sea with a storm
    • I am uncomfortable with the realization that he seems to think a real date with just the two of us every other week is too much or too often
      • I brought it up and he was quick to point out that we just went to the movies a week and a half ago
        • that stung and nearly brought me to tears
          • this was the very sort of thing I didn’t like about being just friends with him: telling me he’s too busy but making plans with other people
            • I don’t like feeling put aside or benched
      • thankfully we talked more about this later today and he assured me that things won’t end up like they were when I was trying to be just friends with him
        • I’m holding him to this promise
        • I seriously don’t like competing for his time and attention with the kids – they deserve to receive it just as much as I do
        • nor do I like the idea of being put on the bench in case his friends fall through on him
          • it’s weird, I watch him chase after people that clearly do not make him a priority in his life only to treat me in the exact same way and then I have to ask myself why am I allowing this dynamic to continue the way it is
            • I can’t change him, but I can change what I’m doing
  • Frozen II turned out to be a really good movie and thankfully, the boys did pretty good without too much fuss
  • it just occurred to me that Iron Knight probably should have a different nickname than this one to prevent calling back that old energy of the patterns we had
    • a shift in mindset is important in creating healthy changes in behavior

Thursday ~ January 02, 2020

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 8 hours total
napped 1pm to 4pm – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still need to pick up meds

Meals

  • 2 cups black coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • frustrated

Notes

  • finished scheduling Chaos Rally 2020-02
  • I’m frustrated because I feel like I’m not a priority to anyone and that no one is willing to make time for me
    • Iron Knight did take the time for me to chat online, which did make me feel better, but it made me realize that what I really needed was someone’s physical presence to share a deep, emotional connection with
      • I need to feel like I belong, that I matter, and that I’m worth the effort
      • I still feel that Iron Knight needs a different nickname for the blog that isn’t attached to our past in any way
        • I still like “knight” but it needs a different descriptor now

Friday ~ January 03, 2020

Mood: -2h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 3 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total
trouble falling asleep, disrupted sleep due to stupid dreams

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still need to pick up meds

Meals

  • 3 cups of black coffee
  • large bowl of Rice Chex
  • BBQ chips

Today’s Feelings

  • calm this morning after chatting with Iron Knight
  • crisis mode after speaking to ex-husband about child support that is due

Notes

  • 6am to 12pm – scheduled Chaos Rally 2020-03
  • 2:30pm to 3pm – started scheduling Chaos Rally 2020-04
  • had a weird Resident Evil themed dream set
    • focused largely on collecting supplies – particularly food for some reason
      • Wesker was briefly in it, hindering supply runs
    • and I’ll be damned if Mr. X wasn’t in it and hunting me down
      • got the impression in the dream he was someone I used to know
        • there was a sexual component to this for some reason
          • like he kept trying to choke me, but not kill me, while showing me a photo I couldn’t see
            • I really don’t get this since that sort of thing terrifies me
      • killing him required beheading and burning
        • that didn’t go well – like, at all
    • this dream set really made no sense what so ever
      • especially since I didn’t play any games yesterday
      • BUT for what it’s worth, it used to be that whenever my mind was overworked and anxious, I would play these games until I passed out to prevent nightmares because for whatever reason I would end up dreaming about playing the game
        • I guess I can take this as a sign that I need to chill the fuck out?
  • I am grateful that communication between Iron Knight and I has become more open and safe for vulnerability and transparent honesty
    • I am worried about this open relationship thing working out
    • I am worried that I will end up fucked over and broken hearted
    • I value the fact he is listening to my worries without getting upset or dismissive about them
  • Little Bear’s father has fucked up the child support that was due today all to hell
    • first he tells me it’s a bank error (his usual excuse)
    • then he tells me that his automatic bill payments went out in the wrong order, causing the child support to be spent on something else
    • THEN he asks me for my Paypal link only to send half of what is due to my old, locked account that somehow completed the payment
  • and the worst part about all this is Iron Knight wasn’t able to come over and physically comfort me
    • I’m grateful at least that he gave me his time on messenger to chat
      • it’s just I am in a serious need of a hug right now

Saturday ~ January 04, 2020

Mood: -1h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 6am – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still need to pick up meds

Meals

  • 2 cups of black coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • uneasy, stressed, anxious as fuck

Notes

  • was able to recover my old, personal PayPal account this morning
    • Little Bear’s father still wants to get away with only paying half of the child support due this time around
    • so much bullshit to deal with
    • there is always something every fucking time he comes to visit to wreck things, fuck my life, and push me to my breaking point
  • I’m beginning to realize that I need more emotional intimacy and support if I ever hope to feel relaxed and secure in this open relationship
    • it’s not just sex I am craving, but seriously in need of quality one on one time in person
      • I understand that he needs space, but I haven’t had any kind of connection since September
        • which feels like forever, leaving me touch starved
          • I still seriously need a hug right now
            • Iron Knight stopped by to visit me and give me the hug I needed so very much before heading out to his friend’s for the football game tonight
              • stayed for 30 minutes even though the roads aren’t great and it’s snowing
              • and while he was here, he assured me that he’s trying to find a workable balance between spending time with me and his friends
                • which I think is completely fair
              • we also talked about his new nickname for the blog
                • I explained to him that names have power that creates their own energy and how I don’t want to call back the energy we had before
                • I want a new name for the blog to generate a fresh new vibration in my thought forms
                • once I explained it this way, he understood and agreed, but requested that I keep the knight part of it
                  • on a side note, I think this is why I have never given Little Bear’s father a nickname – or if I had, I never used it
                    • why give him additional energy and power over me?
  • completely unable to focus on much of anything productive today
    • I did at least launch a Patreon account today for this blog
  • finished scheduling Chaos Rally 2020-04
    • took me ALL DAY to get this done

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