Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-02

An extremely rough week.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally: 2020 Chaos Rally #01


Sunday ~ January 5, 2020

Daily Draw: Two of Pentacles

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9:30pm, up at 6am – 8.5 total hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still no meds

Meals

  • 3 cups of black coffee
  • 3 cups of coffee fixed up my normal way
  • strawberry crepes, hash browns, sausage

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • 6am to 8am – scheduled Chaos Rally 2020-05
    • 1 post
  • 8am to 9am – scheduled Lunar Intentions 2020 – Jan
    • 1 post
  • 9am to 12:30pm – created ad posts for my tarot shop and Team Chaos
    • scheduled the ones for Jan
    • 2 posts
  • 12:30pm to 2pm – scheduled Daily Draw for week 10
    • 7 posts
  • 2pm to 3pm – scheduled Daily Draw for week 11
    • 7 posts
  • 3pm to 4pm – scheduled Daily Draw for week 12
    • 7 posts
  • 4pm to 4:30pm – scheduled Daily Draw for week 13
    • 4 posts
  • settled upon Golden Knight as the new nickname for Tuxedo Cat’s father
  • I seriously believe that the power of touch and co-regulation is gravely underrated
    • too often we expect ourselves and others to cope with shit alone
    • it never ceases to amaze me how much being held or hugged by a trusted individual can resolve so anxiety within me
      • again, I am grateful that Golden Knight stopped by last night to not only give me a much needed hug, but to also address concerns and issues I had at the time that was creating the anxiety I felt
  • Golden Knight took me out on a breakfast date and then we had quality time together this evening

Monday ~ January 6, 2020

Daily Draw: King of Cups

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still no meds

Meals

  • ? cups of black coffee
  • 1 can of Dr. Pepper
  • cheese scramble

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • 6am to 8pm – scheduled Daily Draw for week 13
    • 3 posts
  • 8am to 9am – scheduled Daily Draw for March week 14
    • 3 posts
  • 9am to 9:15am – scheduled Feb blog ad posts
    • 2 posts
  • spent a lot of time on the phone with military staff
    • got a lot of info from JAG office
      • namely, I found out that while DSER cannot auto collect child support from someone receiving military pay since it’s a state agency, DFAS is the military agency that handles that and they can and will
        • if the only thing that I get out of this bullshit dealing with my ex-husband is getting the paperwork I need to make this happen then I’ll be happy
  • had to pick up Little Bear from school today since he fell asleep in class and they couldn’t get him to wake up
    • he slept most of the day, was up long enough to take his bedtime meds and eat the eggs he wanted for dinner before passing out again
  • craving eggs and cheese in a serious way lately

Tuesday ~ January 7, 2020

Daily Draw: Four of Cups

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1A ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still no meds
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 11am
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 11am

Meals

  • 2 cups of black coffee
  • mango hibiscus black ice tea (tried it and happy that it was really good actually)
  • Cherry Pepsi (still like Cherry Coke better)
  • American sub

Today’s Feelings

  • mildly stressed

Notes

  • Therapy Tuesday today
    • hoping it doesn’t get cancelled for whatever reason
      • a lot of that has been happening in the last two months
        • this is how much the weather has sucked on those days
    • wasn’t cancelled and sadly I felt like I spent the entire time bringing her up to speed rather than asking practical questions I wanted to explore
  • I found Little Bear still sleeping this morning when I got up
    • I’m hoping this doesn’t mean he’s coming down with something
      • he usually doesn’t sleep this much
  • more time on the phone today, but progress is being made
    • fuck these hoops and red tape
  • 6am to 9am: started working on Chaos Rally #06
  • 12:30pm to 1pm: worked on Chaos Rally #06
  • after therapy, I went grocery shopping only to come home and find that a jar of beet pickles had been tipped over in the fridge
    • beet pickle juice EVERYWHERE in there and I had to clean the fridge out
      • my fridge went from being overstuffed with god knows what to, as Scholar Owl put it, a stock photo of a fridge
        • to me it looks empty
        • I doubt my fridge will stay this neat and tidy for long
  • played cards games with Tuxedo Cat and Little Bear until bedtime
    • Skip-Bo and Uno
    • I would like to start doing this with them more often
  • and… I forgot to pick up med refills while grocery shopping

Wednesday ~ January 8, 2020

Daily Draw: Seven of Wands

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still no meds

Meals

  • unsweetened black iced tea
  • 3 cups of coffee (fixed up the preferred way)
  • Chicken Alfredo with green salad, and garlic buttered bread

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • 7am to 10am: finished working on and scheduled Chaos Rally #06
  • 10am to 12:30pm: working on Chaos Rally #07
  • Little Bear’s OT
    • meeting with case worker at this time
  • Golden Knight visited with the intent to spend time with Tuxedo Cat
    • for some reason, Tuxedo Cat wasn’t in the mood for anything
    • Golden Knight and I had some cuddle time together
      • was a bit dismayed to find out that he doesn’t see my posts anymore

Thursday ~ January 9, 2020

Daily Draw: Ace of Cups

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 3am – 6 hours total
napped 2pm to 9pm – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still no meds

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • section of leftover American sub

Today’s Feelings

  • started off with anxiety and insecurity this morning
  • calm after nap

Notes

  • 6am to 7am: working on Chaos Rally #07
  • Little Bear passed out in school again
  • my anxiety and insecurity triggered some conflict with Gold Knight
    • took awhile to resolve it, but we managed
    • I’m grateful that he was willing and able to work through it with me
  • later in the evening, Golden Knight received some difficult news regarding a friend
    • I wish I could have been of more support, but I wasn’t what he needed
  • worked on laundry after that while working on blog – bleh
  • 9pm to 10:45pm: finished and scheduled Chaos Rally #07
  • 10:45pm to 1:20am: scheduled Chaos Rally #8

Friday ~ January 10, 2020

Daily Draw: Seven of Swords

Mood: -1h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: -2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6am – 4 hours total
woke up a few times due to dreams

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still no meds

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 4 eggs scrambled in butter

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • 1:20am to 2am: Chaos Rally #09 worked on
  • 7am to 8:30am: Chaos Rally #09 finished and scheduled
  • 8:30am to 12pm: Chaos Rally #10 scheduled
  • spent the rest of the day playing around on RE2 Remake
  • talking to Golden Knight about him going to a gig and hearing that he doesn’t want me to go because he needs space right now triggered a deep sense of loneliness, abandonment, and shame within me
    • my primary concern while talking to him as I was flooded with this was to find out if he somehow saw me as being “wrong as a person” or if I had done a “bad thing”
      • unfortunately, me trying to work out why this was happening on an emotional level for me made him feel like I was guilt tripping him
        • him saying things like:
          • Do you ever consider how I’m going to feel by the things you say?
          • “I spend more time doing things and talking to you than anyone. Literally anyone. I have so little free time to work with but I take time out to talk and do things with you.
          • Why does it seem like so many things cause an issue?
        • only deepened what I was feeling
          • the statement, I’m feeling I live the Rapunzel life came out of me again in response to this feeling
      • he really wanted to know why I was feeling all this and at the time, I didn’t really know
        • it only intensified my sense of inherent brokenness and wrongness
        • it deepened the fear that I’m not fit as a human being
        • it confirmed the worry that it isn’t safe to express what I’m feeling
          • it makes me feel like I should pull back
          • it makes me feel like shouldn’t ask for so much from him
          • it makes me feel like I shouldn’t be sharing what I feel at all

Saturday ~ January 11, 2020

Daily Draw: King of Wands

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 2A ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 8am – 5 hours total
highly disrupted by flashbacks and dreams

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still no meds
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 10am
  • 10mg Ativan @ 10am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 5pm
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 5pm
  • 800mg @ 10pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 2 hard ciders

Today’s Feelings

  • empty, dead, anxious, isolated, alone

Notes

  • full moon in Cancer with lunar eclipse
    • a bunch of other shit going on with the Sun, Pluto, Uranus, Neptune, and Venus – if I remember correctly
  • quickly discovered where all of this was really coming from when I tried to go to sleep
    • plagued with the memories and dreams of how things were while I was married to Little Bear’s father
      • being stuck at home and doing nothing but “wife duties”
      • hardly ever wanting to be seen with me in public
      • only having sex with me when literally no one else was available
      • watching him go out and having fun while I could not
      • his feelings and needs having priority over mine
      • getting angry with me for not being happy with it all
        • punishment and shame for being anything other than a good little human robot
      • and the entire time during that, me hoping and praying that there would someday be someone that would find joy in and celebrate being with me
    • I wish I was better able to recognize an emotional flashback as they occurred rather than realizing it after creating a mess
      • the experience last night only added a new layer and dimension for me struggle with
        • I need some safe space outside of therapy for these flashbacks where trauma is understood
          • a space where I don’t end up feeling like a toxic and bad person
          • a space where my partner isn’t villainized for triggering a flashback
          • a space where support is provided during a flashback
            • even though I don’t control when an emotional flashback hits
            • even though many times I don’t know I’m having one until after the fact
    • this is something I need to clear and heal, but I don’t know how
      • I’m sensing that this is rooted in my childhood since I always feel so lost, powerless, and little whenever these feelings come up
  • he told me last night that he would talk to me tomorrow
    • I crave in person time with him, not all this online chatting we do
      • but it seems this is the only time I get
      • yes it’s “fact” that he sees me once a week, but his logic conveys that this is more than enough
      • I feel touch and romance starved for some reason
    • our time together – in person or online – feels rushed more often than not
      • I don’t like feeling like I’m competing with children, the phone, and the clock when he spends time with me
    • I feel ashamed that he is still rooted in the center of my everything
      • more than anyone else, including the children
      • why am I like this?
        • I’m literally stuck at my desk waiting for him to message
          • like there is a deep fear that if I’m not right here when he messages, I won’t get to talk to him at all today
            • like something bad will happen, which makes no sense – I know – and it only makes me feel worse
    • I’m afraid if I don’t message first that he won’t message at all
    • I’m afraid that if I do message first I’m invading his space
  • I’m grateful Golden Knight was willing and able to hold space for me while trying to work through all this
    • he’s said he has experienced flashbacks in other relationships
      • I assume that this means I’m not triggering him
      • but I do worry that I’m the source of the flashbacks
  • more than anything, I want to be free from the toxic shit that comes from my former marriage with Little Bear’s father
    • I want to be healthy, free, and joyful so fucking bad
      • I don’t know yet how to find my way through this
  • we did eventually talk about all this… but towards the end he said he can’t have these long talks when he has his daughter
    • I told him last night that he’d be too busy for me
    • I’m grateful at least that he did take the time
  • spent the day playing RE2 Remake – fuck it
    • I miss having friends that I could do stuff with in person
    • and I wish the migraine hadn’t hit as hard as it did today

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