An extremely rough week.
Mood Score Key:
Sliding Hypomania = 1 ~ Hypomania = 2 ~ Mania = 3 ~ Baseline (My Normal) = 0
Sliding Depression = -1 ~ Depression = -2 ~ Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State
Energy Score Key:
Low = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ High = 1
Irritation Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Anxiety Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Migraine Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h
Joint Pain Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T
Sleep Quality Score Key:
Bad = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ Great = 1
Special Notes for the Week
Menses Start Date: ~
Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~
Chaos Rally: 2020 Chaos Rally #01
Sunday ~ January 5, 2020
Daily Draw: Two of Pentacles
Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 9:30pm, up at 6am – 8.5 total hours
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- still no meds
Meals
- 3 cups of black coffee
- 3 cups of coffee fixed up my normal way
- strawberry crepes, hash browns, sausage
Today’s Feelings
- calm
Notes
- 6am to 8am – scheduled Chaos Rally 2020-05
- 1 post
- 8am to 9am – scheduled Lunar Intentions 2020 – Jan
- 1 post
- 9am to 12:30pm – created ad posts for my tarot shop and Team Chaos
- scheduled the ones for Jan
- 2 posts
- 12:30pm to 2pm – scheduled Daily Draw for week 10
- 7 posts
- 2pm to 3pm – scheduled Daily Draw for week 11
- 7 posts
- 3pm to 4pm – scheduled Daily Draw for week 12
- 7 posts
- 4pm to 4:30pm – scheduled Daily Draw for week 13
- 4 posts
- settled upon Golden Knight as the new nickname for Tuxedo Cat’s father
- formerly known as Iron Knight
- based upon the metaphysical properties of gold
- reinforced by something he said to me last night
- I seriously believe that the power of touch and co-regulation is gravely underrated
- too often we expect ourselves and others to cope with shit alone
- it never ceases to amaze me how much being held or hugged by a trusted individual can resolve so anxiety within me
- again, I am grateful that Golden Knight stopped by last night to not only give me a much needed hug, but to also address concerns and issues I had at the time that was creating the anxiety I felt
- Golden Knight took me out on a breakfast date and then we had quality time together this evening
Monday ~ January 6, 2020
Daily Draw: King of Cups
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- still no meds
Meals
- ? cups of black coffee
- 1 can of Dr. Pepper
- cheese scramble
Today’s Feelings
- content
Notes
- 6am to 8pm – scheduled Daily Draw for week 13
- 3 posts
- 8am to 9am – scheduled Daily Draw for March week 14
- 3 posts
- 9am to 9:15am – scheduled Feb blog ad posts
- 2 posts
- spent a lot of time on the phone with military staff
- got a lot of info from JAG office
- namely, I found out that while DSER cannot auto collect child support from someone receiving military pay since it’s a state agency, DFAS is the military agency that handles that and they can and will
- if the only thing that I get out of this bullshit dealing with my ex-husband is getting the paperwork I need to make this happen then I’ll be happy
- namely, I found out that while DSER cannot auto collect child support from someone receiving military pay since it’s a state agency, DFAS is the military agency that handles that and they can and will
- got a lot of info from JAG office
- had to pick up Little Bear from school today since he fell asleep in class and they couldn’t get him to wake up
- he slept most of the day, was up long enough to take his bedtime meds and eat the eggs he wanted for dinner before passing out again
- craving eggs and cheese in a serious way lately
Tuesday ~ January 7, 2020
Daily Draw: Four of Cups
Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1A ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- still no meds
- 600mg Ibuprofen @ 11am
- 1000mg Tylenol @ 11am
Meals
- 2 cups of black coffee
- mango hibiscus black ice tea (tried it and happy that it was really good actually)
- Cherry Pepsi (still like Cherry Coke better)
- American sub
Today’s Feelings
- mildly stressed
Notes
- Therapy Tuesday today
- hoping it doesn’t get cancelled for whatever reason
- a lot of that has been happening in the last two months
- this is how much the weather has sucked on those days
- a lot of that has been happening in the last two months
- wasn’t cancelled and sadly I felt like I spent the entire time bringing her up to speed rather than asking practical questions I wanted to explore
- hoping it doesn’t get cancelled for whatever reason
- I found Little Bear still sleeping this morning when I got up
- I’m hoping this doesn’t mean he’s coming down with something
- he usually doesn’t sleep this much
- I’m hoping this doesn’t mean he’s coming down with something
- more time on the phone today, but progress is being made
- fuck these hoops and red tape
- 6am to 9am: started working on Chaos Rally #06
- 12:30pm to 1pm: worked on Chaos Rally #06
- after therapy, I went grocery shopping only to come home and find that a jar of beet pickles had been tipped over in the fridge
- beet pickle juice EVERYWHERE in there and I had to clean the fridge out
- my fridge went from being overstuffed with god knows what to, as Scholar Owl put it, a stock photo of a fridge
- to me it looks empty
- I doubt my fridge will stay this neat and tidy for long
- my fridge went from being overstuffed with god knows what to, as Scholar Owl put it, a stock photo of a fridge
- beet pickle juice EVERYWHERE in there and I had to clean the fridge out
- played cards games with Tuxedo Cat and Little Bear until bedtime
- Skip-Bo and Uno
- I would like to start doing this with them more often
- and… I forgot to pick up med refills while grocery shopping
Wednesday ~ January 8, 2020
Daily Draw: Seven of Wands
Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 8 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- still no meds
Meals
- unsweetened black iced tea
- 3 cups of coffee (fixed up the preferred way)
- Chicken Alfredo with green salad, and garlic buttered bread
Today’s Feelings
- calm
Notes
- 7am to 10am: finished working on and scheduled Chaos Rally #06
- 10am to 12:30pm: working on Chaos Rally #07
- Little Bear’s OT
- meeting with case worker at this time
- Golden Knight visited with the intent to spend time with Tuxedo Cat
- for some reason, Tuxedo Cat wasn’t in the mood for anything
- Golden Knight and I had some cuddle time together
- was a bit dismayed to find out that he doesn’t see my posts anymore
Thursday ~ January 9, 2020
Daily Draw: Ace of Cups
Mood: 0h ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 3am – 6 hours total
napped 2pm to 9pm – 7 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- still no meds
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- section of leftover American sub
Today’s Feelings
- started off with anxiety and insecurity this morning
- calm after nap
Notes
- 6am to 7am: working on Chaos Rally #07
- Little Bear passed out in school again
- my anxiety and insecurity triggered some conflict with Gold Knight
- took awhile to resolve it, but we managed
- I’m grateful that he was willing and able to work through it with me
- later in the evening, Golden Knight received some difficult news regarding a friend
- I wish I could have been of more support, but I wasn’t what he needed
- worked on laundry after that while working on blog – bleh
- 9pm to 10:45pm: finished and scheduled Chaos Rally #07
- 10:45pm to 1:20am: scheduled Chaos Rally #8
Friday ~ January 10, 2020
Daily Draw: Seven of Swords
Mood: -1h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: -2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6am – 4 hours total
woke up a few times due to dreams
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- still no meds
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- 4 eggs scrambled in butter
Today’s Feelings
- calm
Notes
- 1:20am to 2am: Chaos Rally #09 worked on
- 7am to 8:30am: Chaos Rally #09 finished and scheduled
- 8:30am to 12pm: Chaos Rally #10 scheduled
- spent the rest of the day playing around on RE2 Remake
- talking to Golden Knight about him going to a gig and hearing that he doesn’t want me to go because he needs space right now triggered a deep sense of loneliness, abandonment, and shame within me
- my primary concern while talking to him as I was flooded with this was to find out if he somehow saw me as being “wrong as a person” or if I had done a “bad thing”
- unfortunately, me trying to work out why this was happening on an emotional level for me made him feel like I was guilt tripping him
- him saying things like:
- “Do you ever consider how I’m going to feel by the things you say?“
- “I spend more time doing things and talking to you than anyone. Literally anyone. I have so little free time to work with but I take time out to talk and do things with you.“
- “Why does it seem like so many things cause an issue?“
- only deepened what I was feeling
- the statement, “I’m feeling I live the Rapunzel life“ came out of me again in response to this feeling
- him saying things like:
- he really wanted to know why I was feeling all this and at the time, I didn’t really know
- it only intensified my sense of inherent brokenness and wrongness
- it deepened the fear that I’m not fit as a human being
- it confirmed the worry that it isn’t safe to express what I’m feeling
- it makes me feel like I should pull back
- it makes me feel like shouldn’t ask for so much from him
- it makes me feel like I shouldn’t be sharing what I feel at all
- unfortunately, me trying to work out why this was happening on an emotional level for me made him feel like I was guilt tripping him
- my primary concern while talking to him as I was flooded with this was to find out if he somehow saw me as being “wrong as a person” or if I had done a “bad thing”
Saturday ~ January 11, 2020
Daily Draw: King of Wands
Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 2A ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 8am – 5 hours total
highly disrupted by flashbacks and dreams
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- still no meds
- 600mg Ibuprofen @ 10am
- 10mg Ativan @ 10am
- 600mg Ibuprofen @ 5pm
- 1000mg Tylenol @ 5pm
- 800mg @ 10pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- 2 hard ciders
Today’s Feelings
- empty, dead, anxious, isolated, alone
Notes
- full moon in Cancer with lunar eclipse
- a bunch of other shit going on with the Sun, Pluto, Uranus, Neptune, and Venus – if I remember correctly
- quickly discovered where all of this was really coming from when I tried to go to sleep
- plagued with the memories and dreams of how things were while I was married to Little Bear’s father
- being stuck at home and doing nothing but “wife duties”
- hardly ever wanting to be seen with me in public
- only having sex with me when literally no one else was available
- watching him go out and having fun while I could not
- his feelings and needs having priority over mine
- getting angry with me for not being happy with it all
- punishment and shame for being anything other than a good little human robot
- and the entire time during that, me hoping and praying that there would someday be someone that would find joy in and celebrate being with me
- I wish I was better able to recognize an emotional flashback as they occurred rather than realizing it after creating a mess
- the experience last night only added a new layer and dimension for me struggle with
- I need some safe space outside of therapy for these flashbacks where trauma is understood
- a space where I don’t end up feeling like a toxic and bad person
- a space where my partner isn’t villainized for triggering a flashback
- a space where support is provided during a flashback
- even though I don’t control when an emotional flashback hits
- even though many times I don’t know I’m having one until after the fact
- I need some safe space outside of therapy for these flashbacks where trauma is understood
- the experience last night only added a new layer and dimension for me struggle with
- this is something I need to clear and heal, but I don’t know how
- I’m sensing that this is rooted in my childhood since I always feel so lost, powerless, and little whenever these feelings come up
- plagued with the memories and dreams of how things were while I was married to Little Bear’s father
- he told me last night that he would talk to me tomorrow
- I crave in person time with him, not all this online chatting we do
- but it seems this is the only time I get
- yes it’s “fact” that he sees me once a week, but his logic conveys that this is more than enough
- I feel touch and romance starved for some reason
- our time together – in person or online – feels rushed more often than not
- I don’t like feeling like I’m competing with children, the phone, and the clock when he spends time with me
- I feel ashamed that he is still rooted in the center of my everything
- more than anyone else, including the children
- why am I like this?
- I’m literally stuck at my desk waiting for him to message
- like there is a deep fear that if I’m not right here when he messages, I won’t get to talk to him at all today
- like something bad will happen, which makes no sense – I know – and it only makes me feel worse
- like there is a deep fear that if I’m not right here when he messages, I won’t get to talk to him at all today
- I’m literally stuck at my desk waiting for him to message
- I’m afraid if I don’t message first that he won’t message at all
- I’m afraid that if I do message first I’m invading his space
- I crave in person time with him, not all this online chatting we do
- I’m grateful Golden Knight was willing and able to hold space for me while trying to work through all this
- he’s said he has experienced flashbacks in other relationships
- I assume that this means I’m not triggering him
- but I do worry that I’m the source of the flashbacks
- he’s said he has experienced flashbacks in other relationships
- more than anything, I want to be free from the toxic shit that comes from my former marriage with Little Bear’s father
- I want to be healthy, free, and joyful so fucking bad
- I don’t know yet how to find my way through this
- I want to be healthy, free, and joyful so fucking bad
- we did eventually talk about all this… but towards the end he said he can’t have these long talks when he has his daughter
- I told him last night that he’d be too busy for me
- I’m grateful at least that he did take the time
- spent the day playing RE2 Remake – fuck it
- I miss having friends that I could do stuff with in person
- and I wish the migraine hadn’t hit as hard as it did today
