Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-02

An extremely rough week.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally: 2020 Chaos Rally #01


Sunday ~ January 5, 2020

Daily Draw: Two of Pentacles

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9:30pm, up at 6am – 8.5 total hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still no meds

Meals

  • 3 cups of black coffee
  • 3 cups of coffee fixed up my normal way
  • strawberry crepes, hash browns, sausage

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • 6am to 8am – scheduled Chaos Rally 2020-05
    • 1 post
  • 8am to 9am – scheduled Lunar Intentions 2020 – Jan
    • 1 post
  • 9am to 12:30pm – created ad posts for my tarot shop and Team Chaos
    • scheduled the ones for Jan
    • 2 posts
  • 12:30pm to 2pm – scheduled Daily Draw for week 10
    • 7 posts
  • 2pm to 3pm – scheduled Daily Draw for week 11
    • 7 posts
  • 3pm to 4pm – scheduled Daily Draw for week 12
    • 7 posts
  • 4pm to 4:30pm – scheduled Daily Draw for week 13
    • 4 posts
  • settled upon Golden Knight as the new nickname for Tuxedo Cat’s father
  • I seriously believe that the power of touch and co-regulation is gravely underrated
    • too often we expect ourselves and others to cope with shit alone
    • it never ceases to amaze me how much being held or hugged by a trusted individual can resolve so anxiety within me
      • again, I am grateful that Golden Knight stopped by last night to not only give me a much needed hug, but to also address concerns and issues I had at the time that was creating the anxiety I felt
  • Golden Knight took me out on a breakfast date and then we had quality time together this evening

Monday ~ January 6, 2020

Daily Draw: King of Cups

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still no meds

Meals

  • ? cups of black coffee
  • 1 can of Dr. Pepper
  • cheese scramble

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • 6am to 8pm – scheduled Daily Draw for week 13
    • 3 posts
  • 8am to 9am – scheduled Daily Draw for March week 14
    • 3 posts
  • 9am to 9:15am – scheduled Feb blog ad posts
    • 2 posts
  • spent a lot of time on the phone with military staff
    • got a lot of info from JAG office
      • namely, I found out that while DSER cannot auto collect child support from someone receiving military pay since it’s a state agency, DFAS is the military agency that handles that and they can and will
        • if the only thing that I get out of this bullshit dealing with my ex-husband is getting the paperwork I need to make this happen then I’ll be happy
  • had to pick up Little Bear from school today since he fell asleep in class and they couldn’t get him to wake up
    • he slept most of the day, was up long enough to take his bedtime meds and eat the eggs he wanted for dinner before passing out again
  • craving eggs and cheese in a serious way lately

Tuesday ~ January 7, 2020

Daily Draw: Four of Cups

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1A ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still no meds
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 11am
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 11am

Meals

  • 2 cups of black coffee
  • mango hibiscus black ice tea (tried it and happy that it was really good actually)
  • Cherry Pepsi (still like Cherry Coke better)
  • American sub

Today’s Feelings

  • mildly stressed

Notes

  • Therapy Tuesday today
    • hoping it doesn’t get cancelled for whatever reason
      • a lot of that has been happening in the last two months
        • this is how much the weather has sucked on those days
    • wasn’t cancelled and sadly I felt like I spent the entire time bringing her up to speed rather than asking practical questions I wanted to explore
  • I found Little Bear still sleeping this morning when I got up
    • I’m hoping this doesn’t mean he’s coming down with something
      • he usually doesn’t sleep this much
  • more time on the phone today, but progress is being made
    • fuck these hoops and red tape
  • 6am to 9am: started working on Chaos Rally #06
  • 12:30pm to 1pm: worked on Chaos Rally #06
  • after therapy, I went grocery shopping only to come home and find that a jar of beet pickles had been tipped over in the fridge
    • beet pickle juice EVERYWHERE in there and I had to clean the fridge out
      • my fridge went from being overstuffed with god knows what to, as Scholar Owl put it, a stock photo of a fridge
        • to me it looks empty
        • I doubt my fridge will stay this neat and tidy for long
  • played cards games with Tuxedo Cat and Little Bear until bedtime
    • Skip-Bo and Uno
    • I would like to start doing this with them more often
  • and… I forgot to pick up med refills while grocery shopping

Wednesday ~ January 8, 2020

Daily Draw: Seven of Wands

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still no meds

Meals

  • unsweetened black iced tea
  • 3 cups of coffee (fixed up the preferred way)
  • Chicken Alfredo with green salad, and garlic buttered bread

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • 7am to 10am: finished working on and scheduled Chaos Rally #06
  • 10am to 12:30pm: working on Chaos Rally #07
  • Little Bear’s OT
    • meeting with case worker at this time
  • Golden Knight visited with the intent to spend time with Tuxedo Cat
    • for some reason, Tuxedo Cat wasn’t in the mood for anything
    • Golden Knight and I had some cuddle time together
      • was a bit dismayed to find out that he doesn’t see my posts anymore

Thursday ~ January 9, 2020

Daily Draw: Ace of Cups

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 3am – 6 hours total
napped 2pm to 9pm – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still no meds

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • section of leftover American sub

Today’s Feelings

  • started off with anxiety and insecurity this morning
  • calm after nap

Notes

  • 6am to 7am: working on Chaos Rally #07
  • Little Bear passed out in school again
  • my anxiety and insecurity triggered some conflict with Gold Knight
    • took awhile to resolve it, but we managed
    • I’m grateful that he was willing and able to work through it with me
  • later in the evening, Golden Knight received some difficult news regarding a friend
    • I wish I could have been of more support, but I wasn’t what he needed
  • worked on laundry after that while working on blog – bleh
  • 9pm to 10:45pm: finished and scheduled Chaos Rally #07
  • 10:45pm to 1:20am: scheduled Chaos Rally #8

Friday ~ January 10, 2020

Daily Draw: Seven of Swords

Mood: -1h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: -2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6am – 4 hours total
woke up a few times due to dreams

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still no meds

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 4 eggs scrambled in butter

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • 1:20am to 2am: Chaos Rally #09 worked on
  • 7am to 8:30am: Chaos Rally #09 finished and scheduled
  • 8:30am to 12pm: Chaos Rally #10 scheduled
  • spent the rest of the day playing around on RE2 Remake
  • talking to Golden Knight about him going to a gig and hearing that he doesn’t want me to go because he needs space right now triggered a deep sense of loneliness, abandonment, and shame within me
    • my primary concern while talking to him as I was flooded with this was to find out if he somehow saw me as being “wrong as a person” or if I had done a “bad thing”
      • unfortunately, me trying to work out why this was happening on an emotional level for me made him feel like I was guilt tripping him
        • him saying things like:
          • Do you ever consider how I’m going to feel by the things you say?
          • “I spend more time doing things and talking to you than anyone. Literally anyone. I have so little free time to work with but I take time out to talk and do things with you.
          • Why does it seem like so many things cause an issue?
        • only deepened what I was feeling
          • the statement, I’m feeling I live the Rapunzel life came out of me again in response to this feeling
      • he really wanted to know why I was feeling all this and at the time, I didn’t really know
        • it only intensified my sense of inherent brokenness and wrongness
        • it deepened the fear that I’m not fit as a human being
        • it confirmed the worry that it isn’t safe to express what I’m feeling
          • it makes me feel like I should pull back
          • it makes me feel like shouldn’t ask for so much from him
          • it makes me feel like I shouldn’t be sharing what I feel at all

Saturday ~ January 11, 2020

Daily Draw: King of Wands

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 2A ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 8am – 5 hours total
highly disrupted by flashbacks and dreams

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still no meds
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 10am
  • 10mg Ativan @ 10am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 5pm
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 5pm
  • 800mg @ 10pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 2 hard ciders

Today’s Feelings

  • empty, dead, anxious, isolated, alone

Notes

  • full moon in Cancer with lunar eclipse
    • a bunch of other shit going on with the Sun, Pluto, Uranus, Neptune, and Venus – if I remember correctly
  • quickly discovered where all of this was really coming from when I tried to go to sleep
    • plagued with the memories and dreams of how things were while I was married to Little Bear’s father
      • being stuck at home and doing nothing but “wife duties”
      • hardly ever wanting to be seen with me in public
      • only having sex with me when literally no one else was available
      • watching him go out and having fun while I could not
      • his feelings and needs having priority over mine
      • getting angry with me for not being happy with it all
        • punishment and shame for being anything other than a good little human robot
      • and the entire time during that, me hoping and praying that there would someday be someone that would find joy in and celebrate being with me
    • I wish I was better able to recognize an emotional flashback as they occurred rather than realizing it after creating a mess
      • the experience last night only added a new layer and dimension for me struggle with
        • I need some safe space outside of therapy for these flashbacks where trauma is understood
          • a space where I don’t end up feeling like a toxic and bad person
          • a space where my partner isn’t villainized for triggering a flashback
          • a space where support is provided during a flashback
            • even though I don’t control when an emotional flashback hits
            • even though many times I don’t know I’m having one until after the fact
    • this is something I need to clear and heal, but I don’t know how
      • I’m sensing that this is rooted in my childhood since I always feel so lost, powerless, and little whenever these feelings come up
  • he told me last night that he would talk to me tomorrow
    • I crave in person time with him, not all this online chatting we do
      • but it seems this is the only time I get
      • yes it’s “fact” that he sees me once a week, but his logic conveys that this is more than enough
      • I feel touch and romance starved for some reason
    • our time together – in person or online – feels rushed more often than not
      • I don’t like feeling like I’m competing with children, the phone, and the clock when he spends time with me
    • I feel ashamed that he is still rooted in the center of my everything
      • more than anyone else, including the children
      • why am I like this?
        • I’m literally stuck at my desk waiting for him to message
          • like there is a deep fear that if I’m not right here when he messages, I won’t get to talk to him at all today
            • like something bad will happen, which makes no sense – I know – and it only makes me feel worse
    • I’m afraid if I don’t message first that he won’t message at all
    • I’m afraid that if I do message first I’m invading his space
  • I’m grateful Golden Knight was willing and able to hold space for me while trying to work through all this
    • he’s said he has experienced flashbacks in other relationships
      • I assume that this means I’m not triggering him
      • but I do worry that I’m the source of the flashbacks
  • more than anything, I want to be free from the toxic shit that comes from my former marriage with Little Bear’s father
    • I want to be healthy, free, and joyful so fucking bad
      • I don’t know yet how to find my way through this
  • we did eventually talk about all this… but towards the end he said he can’t have these long talks when he has his daughter
    • I told him last night that he’d be too busy for me
    • I’m grateful at least that he did take the time
  • spent the day playing RE2 Remake – fuck it
    • I miss having friends that I could do stuff with in person
    • and I wish the migraine hadn’t hit as hard as it did today

If you enjoyed this post, or have some thoughts about it, please let me know!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.