Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-04

I know that the start of the week didn’t seem to go well, but I did make a point to rest mid-way and then I ended productive. So there’s that at least.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ January 19, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 5am, up at 10am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • need refills

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • pork ribs, mashed potato and cheese bake, mixed vegetables, asst. fresh fruit

Today’s Feelings

  • calm all day
  • disappointed this evening

Notes

  • I know Golden Knight is coming over to visit Tuxedo Cat tonight, but I do look forward to seeing him just the same
  • finished scheduling Chaos Rally #11
  • scheduled NaNo Bites for April week 14 & 15
  • Golden Knight came over, played games with Tuxedo Cat, ate dinner, and then pressed to watch Joker with my parents
    • I agreed to it because he said he would be good for intimate time later but then he wasn’t when the time came
      • so yes, I was sad because last Friday was our date night and I made a point to not even mention sex because I was on my period and it’s been a whole week at this point
        • I know for some people reading this an entire week without sex is no big deal, and in some ways it isn’t for me either
          • I just wanted him to be present with me and by the time my turn came around, his mind had already gone home worried about having enough sleep for work the next day
            • I frequently feel like I’m put on the back burner or set to the side for other things and people
            • he couldn’t even tell me the next time he’ll see me when he was heading out
              • honestly, I think that hurt more
          • I know some people are content with once a month
            • I could never function like that and be happy
              • and I’m tired of being/feeling shamed for that
                • what sucks about all of this is I felt like I couldn’t even masturbate after he went home, like somehow it wasn’t allowed
    • it did trigger a conversation about now versus then
      • years ago before Tuxedo Cat was born, we were engaged and I was the one working 60+ hours and strung out and too tired for anything
        • I always have and always will understand the need to bust ass to make ends meet
        • but now I’m on the receiving end of that and how lonely and painful it is
          • never bothered to stop and realize how it came across to him back then
          • and I appreciate that he understands how it’s coming across to me now
          • I try not to let it chip away at my confidence and self-esteem, but it does get to me
            • how do you continue to feel sexy and desirable on your own when you can’t turn on your partner?
              • and what good does it do to know that you’re attractive and desirable and sexy to everyone else when this happens?
              • I don’t have an answer for this and I find it frustrating that the New Age response to everything is that it has to come from within even though we’re all connected
                • like, if a desired energy isn’t flowing toward you it’s because you are blocking it in some way because you don’t already possess that energy… okay, but… how are you supposed to fill an empty cup?
                  • I’m seriously getting hung up on this one
                  • just when I think I’m starting to understand, I hit another wall
                  • how do you feel good about yourself when you’re constantly invisible or coming in last place?
                    • tired of feeling stuck
                    • when will it ever be my turn?
      • he tells me that I don’t need to bring him the world on a silver platter… but if I don’t, would he really stick around?
        • it’s an honest fear I have

Monday ~ January 20, 2020

Chaos Pen Challenge

Daily Draw

Mood: -1.5 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 1h ~ Joint Pain: 1

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total
napped 8am to 11am – 3 hours total
napped 5pm to 6pm – 1 hour total (desperately wish it had been longer)
napped 8pm to 10pm – 2 hours total (can I please just fucking sleep?!)

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • need refills

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • leftover crab ragoons and French bread

Today’s Feelings

  • down, melancholy, frustrated

Notes

  • had a dream last night about reading an amazingly insightful article, that I now wish I could remember what it was about because I shared the link to it on the blog and wrote an entire post about how it changed my view on something major
    • I only remember that it dealt with interpersonal dynamics
    • and I distinctly recall the article having a photo of cherry blossom trees for some reason
      • like somehow these trees were a key aspect of the article’s topic and it was a cross cultural perspective piece
    • I woke up and found myself being upset that it had all been a dream
      • that there was no article to discuss and share with anyone
      • really wished there had been, it felt so real
  • Golden Knight held space for me this morning via text and seemed very open and receptive, but still didn’t say when we’ll get together again
    • asked for more romance in the hopes it will relieve the pressure and urgency I feel around sex – and I told him this
      • I don’t know – I honestly don’t
        • I just know I don’t like feeling this terrible for wanting it and deeply fearing that I’m making him feel like shit for it
  • got my car scheduled for tomorrow morning first thing to have the window looked at and I hoping that it won’t cost me too much
    • I really want to take the Level 1 Reiki class being offered this coming Sunday which will cost me about $120 to take
  • scheduled NaNo Bites for April – week 16 & 17
    • having a hard time focusing on this today
      • I fucking ache and it sucks
  • this well timed article showed up in my Facebook feed today:
    • 6 Questions to Help You Love Yourself More When It Feels Impossible
      • the question for myself right now is:
        • “How can I acknowledge the needs that I can’t yet meet?”
          • I don’t know why I feel so strongly the need to be touched and held and what not, but I do – I really do
            • if I understood why then perhaps I could meet this need in some other way without it depending on someone else that felt safe
              • hell… I just need to feel safe and secure
                • I’m tired of crying over this
  • come 4:30pm today I have realized that today should have been a day of total rest for me, I can’t seem to pull out of this headspace I’m in and now I just want to completely shutdown
    • I shouldn’t feel ashamed for wanting someone to put energy into me, but I do
      • I want this so much and I feel like I’m not supposed to even ask for it
        • and I hate even more that I can tank so hard over something so damn trivial
          • I know this is an emotional trigger of some kind, but I haven’t identified the root source yet
            • once I do, I’m pulling the fucker out of my life for good
              • nothing should have this much control over me
  • Golden Knight messaged me after he got out of work today and after hearing how his day had gone, my troubles for the day suddenly seemed minor
    • he assured me it wasn’t minor and it is a valid need
    • he offered to come over tomorrow night to spend time with me
      • I’m deeply grateful we are communicating better and that we’re getting better at not assuming the worst in each other
        • I still want to address the root source of this trigger
          • like why do I tank so hard, so deeply?
            • what can I do to better cope when this particular trigger hits me like this?

Tuesday ~ January 21, 2020

Exploring Emotions with Temperance

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • still need refills

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • Beef Chow Mein over White Rice and Crab Ragoons

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • Therapy Tuesday
  • had an enjoyable intimate evening with Golden Knight

Wednesday ~ January 22, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 2A ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 8 hours total
spent most of the day in bed

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • no meds AM
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 6am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 12pm
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 6pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • fried chicken and leftover crab ragoons

Today’s Feelings

  • sick

Notes

  • Little Bear woke up with a headache too
  • half day at school, called Little Bear in sick for OT appointment
  • picked up med refills

Thursday ~ January 23, 2020

Thank You for Exploring Tarot with Me

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 10am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 10am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 10am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • several slices of chocolate loaf cake
  • French onion chips

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • scheduled NaNo Bites for April – week 18
    • month of April complete
  • scheduled NaNo Bites for July – Week 27, 28, & 29
  • started scheduling NaNo Bites for July – Week 30
  • med clinic appointments for Little Bear and Scholar Owl

Friday ~ January 24, 2020

Lunar Intentions

Chaos Rally for Next Week

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 6am – 9 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • French onion chips and section of Roast Beef Sub

Today’s Feelings

  • content and very productive

Notes

  • feel asleep feeling a bit like I had a fever last night
  • woke up this morning realizing how much more stable I feel with the meds in place
    • I haven’t had them back in place long, so I imagine it’s more of a placebo effect OR just the fact I’m not struggling with migraine aura shit all day every day
      • the aura shit alone makes a huge difference to one’s mood, period
  • finished scheduling NaNo Bites for July – Week 30
  • scheduled NaNo Bites for July – Week 31
    • and… there is always that ONE post that gets accidentally posted now instead of scheduled correctly… ((sigh))
  • got my car window fixed and my headlight replaced
    • this cost me $271 today
      • took a big bite out of me, but not as big as it could have been
  • scheduled NaNo Bites for Nov – Week 45
  • scheduled NaNo Bites for Nov – Week 46
  • scheduled NaNo Bites for Nov – Week 47
  • scheduled NaNo Bites for Nov – Week 48
  • scheduled NaNo Bites for Nov – Week 49
  • scheduled monthly Ad Posts for personal tarot readings this year
  • scheduled monthly Ad Posts for Patreon this year
  • launched monthly Welter Quill posts on Patreon page on the 24th of each month
    • writing tarot prompt reading featuring the back history of 2 characters and the conflict between them
      • posted Jan 2020 post
      • scheduled Feb-April 2020 posts

Saturday ~ January 25, 2020

Chaos Wave

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 7:30am – 6.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • glass of Dr. Pepper
  • the rest of the roast beef sub

Today’s Feelings

  • content & productive

Notes

  • scheduled Welter Quill on Patreon for May-Dec 2020
    • Tier 1 perks all done
      • granted, all I have is Tier 1 but for now that is enough
  • scheduled Lunar Intentions for February 2020
  • switched to the vape pen supplies that I currently have to save money since I ran out of tobacco supplies and I really want to take that Reiki class tomorrow
    • the switch is making me cough seriously hard
      • wish I had never bought that different brand of mint fluid
        • it causes me a problem every time, even though I put the vanilla tobacco flavored fluid in the well this time
        • wish I knew what was in that mint fluid that is causing the issue so I know what to avoid other than just never buying that brand again
          • knowing my luck, it’s something citrus

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