Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-05

Eventful week. Became a First Degree Reiki Practitioner at the first of the week and at the end of the week received news that my grandmother is in her final hours.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ January 26, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep:

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 6am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 6am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 6am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • 2 cups of tea
  • cheese and green salad
  • biscuits and gravy

Today’s Feelings

  • calm, joy, & contentment

Notes

  • spent the day at a First Degree Reiki class
    • got my Level 1 Attunement today
      • I’m so thrilled
  • I got home and Dad tried to dig into me with his BS about not knowing exactly where I went
    • he didn’t give me his usually BS about “if something happened, we wouldn’t be able to reach you” because I called them out on this finally because THEY DON’T TELL ME when shit does happen – like EVER
    • instead he tried to give me some BS line of “if you don’t come home on time, I need to be able to tell the police where to start looking”
      • I told him the police won’t bother for the first 24 hours
      • he corrected me and said they wouldn’t for the 48 hours and by then it’s usually already too late
        • so why the fuck do we care so much about this….?
    • I know damn well if I didn’t live here they wouldn’t want me to call them every time I left my house to tell them where the fuck I’m going so I KNOW this is just them being nosy and controlling
      • they are not the ones babysitting my children, so it’s not even that
      • I need the freedom and privacy to come and go as an adult – period

Monday ~ January 27, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 5:30am – 5.5 hours total
napped from 1pm to 3pm – 2 hours total
napped 3:30pm to 5pm – 1.5 hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • thought I took morning meds, but the pills are still in the Monday box this evening
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 2 bowls of rice Chex

Today’s Feelings

  • content and calm this morning
  • pensive by afternoon

Notes

  • I felt pretty good when I woke up this morning, but by the time I sent Little Bear off to school it felt like my entire system crashed for some reason
    • once again it felt like I was struggling to connect with Golden Knight
      • it was like we were on two different planes
        • it was like I could hear the resonance of his energy, but not touch it
          • or maybe the other way around?
            • honestly, I cannot explain this but it wasn’t a disconnect exactly but it did kind of feel like I was losing something
    • I felt insanely fatigued
    • and while the shit my parents said last night didn’t bother me all that much last night, for whatever reason it hit me hard today
      • it occurred to me that there was not one damn person last night willing or able to celebrate my joy with me AND even worse, there were people, like my parents, that felt the need to try to bash me down in that moment
        • what the fuck am I doing here and why do I try to give so much of myself to these people?
          • I know there are people out there that exist that are willing and able to do for me what I am willing and able to do for them, so why can’t I find them?
            • it matters because it is the meaning in my life
              • right now as it is, nothing I do is enough

Tuesday ~ January 28, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • I think I ate, but now I don’t remember what

Today’s Feelings

  • ambivalent

Notes

  • IEP meeting for Little Bear
    • signed consent for special placement referral
      • something needs to change
      • there is a therapeutic school that can take him that has a program for his needs – hope it goes well
  • Therapy Tuesday
    • told her about Sunday and Gold Knight
      • she told me that I need to be more transparent about my needs
      • she also said she could tell how uplifting and happy doing the Reiki class was for me just listening to me talk about it
        • it’s a very bad sign that no one in my life was willing to celebrate my joy with me
          • even worse that I have people in my life that felt the need to tear my happiness down
            • she said I may need to make a serious choice soon about who I am putting my efforts and energy into
              • Reiki literally translates to “God power” and as long as one remains aligned with one’s authentic self, one is aligned with the Universe and thus channeling this energy is never draining
              • in order to remain aligned with one’s true self, one must surround themselves with those that honor and support that authenticity
                • you cannot be aligned if you feel you must hide or defend your joy from others
        • it’s also not a good sign that someone rejects the energy of pure joy while claiming to be sad
          • this is like offering water to a man dying of thirst in a desert, but he still refuses to drink
            • you cannot give energy to someone against their will, ever – it will be pushed back
              • technically, I should not be able to send energy via distance yet but I feel intuitively like I can
                • I have spoken to my therapist about this for awhile now, that I felt like I needed to learn how to do this properly
                  • and when I received the attunement, it felt like something was set free within me – like something opened up and was unlocked and expanded
      • I never considered how having this attunement would open my eyes on a whole new level
        • I mean, I knew I was living a “Rapunzel Life” so to speak, but now I am more deeply aware of the isolation involved
          • and some of it is intentional
            • why? what purpose does it serve?
              • can I meet the need in some other way?
              • to be clear here, the behavior is intentional but I believe it’s driven on a subconscious level to meet an unspoken need of some kind
                • so what is the need?
                • and is it something I can meet without it requiring my isolation?
            • and how do I cope with the current situation as it stands?
              • is this even my burden to carry?
              • I did pray for a way to clear the miasma I kept seeing in my dreams and visions – is this it?
                • is this what I am meant to do?
            • how do I break free from it without causing harm?
              • this is my family we’re talking about here
  • Golden Knight continues to feel distant since Sunday

Wednesday ~ January 29, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 5am – 7 hours total
at some point in the night, I woke up to the sound of a little child crying, but it wasn’t my boys – no idea who it was

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • fried chicken, mashed potatoes, grapes

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • there was no good morning text from Golden Knight this morning for some reason
    • I stand corrected, it came late because he doesn’t work today and I forgot
  • even though I am aware of the isolation, I feel grounded
    • it reminds me of the novel “The Last Unicorn” somehow where in the end she had to return to the others even though she knew that she was no longer like any of them anymore and that she would never again be like them
      • she possessed a light that was different from theirs and this was the price that was paid in setting them all free
        • now in the story, this was the loss of her innocence but in truth this is the crossing of any threshold – any point of no return, where something within you changes and you can’t change back
  • Little Bear’s OT
    • he did very well
  • Golden Knight spent the evening with me
    • was very nice and empowering
      • we discussed in length about many things
        • most notably what my therapist and I talked about regarding me needing to pull back and not giving so much or accommodating so much and her asking me if this is something that I can do
          • the question she had essentially was if my giving was actually part of my nature or was coming from a place of fear
            • he made a really good observation with this that my childhood programming has got me really messed up in this regard
              • a part of me truly believes that I need to earn having my needs met by giving the way I do
                • the reality is, the balance is always uneven because I always give to the point of draining myself so I need to learn where the line is
                  • I need to be able to give without fear
                  • I need to be able to trust in the Universe that my needs will be met

Thursday ~ January 30, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • no appointments scheduled today – kind of a shocker really
  • finished scheduling Lunar Intentions for Feb 2020
  • started working on Chaos Rally #12

Friday ~ January 31, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 8 hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • content most of the day

Notes

  • worked on Chaos Rally #12
  • played around on RE2
  • went to dinner with Golden Knight
    • was nice and afterwards I did a Reiki session on him
      • it’s rare to see some of the strain lift from him but it was nice to see

Saturday ~ February 01, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • lots of popcorn

Today’s Feelings

  • content – although I suspect I’m really trying to numb myself

Notes

  • spent the entire day playing RE2
    • finally got S+ Rank on Leon A
    • my left hand hurts like hell because of it
      • would like to know what causes it
  • got a call from my uncle that my paternal grandmother isn’t likely to make it through the night tonight
    • Dad went to see her and had no idea who he was or that he was even her son
      • no, I didn’t go to visit her – she stopped knowing who I was long before she went to the nursing home
        • I honestly rather remember her as she was before dementia took her – smiling and full of sharp humor
          • okay, now I want to cry
            • I know that’s not what she wants

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