Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-06

Record keeping this week feels a bit lacking. I apologize. My nephew passed away on Monday and then my grandmother passed on Thursday. During all of this, the boys and I have been dealing with the stomach flu. We’ve spent the entire week at home wiped out.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ February 02, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 1A ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2:30am, up at 7:30am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 9am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 9am
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 9am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 6pm
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 7pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • roast beef dinner

Today’s Feelings

  • calm
  • agitated

Notes

  • Golden Knight came to visit prior to going over to his friend’s house for the Super Bowl
    • for some reason, I felt compelled to ask him what he saw for the future for us
      • as usual he told me he didn’t want to talk about anything so serious
      • he didn’t have anything specific for an answer
      • he didn’t seem to understand why this was important to me
        • just wanted to connect, to dream, to wish, to discern which of the many paths I see I’m on – and most importantly to alleviate the fear of stagnation and wasting my time
        • he offered to talk about it, but it didn’t happen
          • instead he distracted and deflected and ended up requesting a Reiki session – which I felt happy to do
            • I didn’t have the courage to share any of the things I see since he claims he doesn’t see any specific regarding me
              • he claims he is entirely focused on his career and profession
                • so I asked him why he couldn’t have more than one long-term goal at a time
                  • again, I was given a non-answer
                    • basically, he says he can – but relationships are not one of them
                  • we have a short-term goal right now that he is happy with
                    • he sees it as an experiment
                • he’d rather err on the side of caution when it comes to relationships
        • he doesn’t realize that all of this sends the message that I am a placeholder
          • true or not
          • this is why every relationship expert out there says it’s never a good sign when your partner doesn’t have a clear picture of their future with you in it
          • your instincts know with certainty when someone is right for you within the first couple of dates
            • the reason for this is because we all have a template for the ideal match built into our subconscious
              • our instincts are fully capable of detecting this match very quickly
                • this is why paying attention to red flags is so damn important
            • compatibility is revealed within the first 3 to 6 months
              • anything after or beyond that is a game of comfort zones
          • so what is a “placeholder”?
            • it’s when someone keeps you in their life to hold the spot for a sense of security, comfort, and convenience until the RIGHT match comes along
              • I came to realize this is what I was beyond a doubt with my ex-husband shortly after Little Bear was born, but at that point I felt trapped and locked in
                • it really was no shock to me when he filed for a divorce and quickly remarried once it was finalized
                  • my fear is that it is happening again, only that this time it’s with someone that everything in me is saying this person is RIGHT and it’s been saying this for years
                    • since the day I first met him actually
                      • I fear that he is only with me out of guilt, or shame, or both
                        • I sometimes wonder if I feel this way because I walk the shaman’s path
                          • traditionally, it is a highly isolated path after all
                            • does it have to be?
  • my brother from California has come to visit the family in light of Gram reaching the end of her life
    • she is in hospice care now
      • no longer eating or drinking
      • her breathing has slowed greatly
    • the moment my brother heard I have learned Reiki, he tried to use science to explain why God, religion, and Spirit doesn’t exist
      • the funny thing is, everything he said was the exact same things I say
      • his precious science about energy proves everything about Spirit is real
        • every day Physics especially proves more and more how all of it is real
          • I walk both the paths of science and Spirit, so I know and find both to be highly fascinating
    • I spent the rest of the night feeling the wall of isolation and dismissal within my family
      • they spoke over me like I wasn’t even speaking, which I found highly frustrating and triggering
        • I don’t know why it hurt as much as it did last night when none of this is new, but it did
        • I’m tired of feeling invisible
        • I’m tired of feeling like I don’t fucking matter
        • I’m tired of feeling like I’m not permitted to speak
        • and I’m tired of hearing excuses
          • my brother isn’t the only person I know that has ADHD
            • yet they don’t make me feel invisible and insignificant like this
            • the symptoms are not the problem, it’s the intent behind them that triggered me
              • yes, the triggers are my fucking baggage
              • but seriously quit dismissing me when I ask for support and understanding
      • and to totally top the cake, Dad tried to tell me that he didn’t remember that I am the one that paid $3000 for the materials two years ago for the shed he still hasn’t built for me until I reminded him about the conversation him and I had about the fucking $5000 my ex-husband gave me from his tax return to buy a new car with and how Dad told me that if I gave him that money he would build me a shed and in 5 years it would pay for itself because I wouldn’t be paying for a storage unit
        • then he was like, “Oh yeah, I remember now.”
          • but this was like in front of everyone
            • and I could feel him upset that I called him out on this
            • I could feel him expecting me to back down and allow him to claim ownership over this shed
              • all because him and my brothers were joking around about putting windows into it and using it as a temp guest house during the summer
                • I’m not entirely sure it was a joke on Dad’s end given how him and Mom have already mentioned many other plans they have had for it in the past
                  • I’m tired of being disregarded
                  • build my fucking shed and let me fully own the damn thing or give me my fucking money back
                    • I never should have agreed to this

Monday ~ February 03, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 4:30am – 7.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 9am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • pizza and cheesecake

Today’s Feelings

  • devastated

Notes

  • woke up pissed off still about last night
    • I need to move out
      • too many issues
        • Mom’s passive-aggressive bullshit: if you are in full agreement with her on whatever, then you’re being ugly
        • and Dad… ugh
          • like, him telling me how I can’t let Tuxedo Cat go to Florida because there is no family there
            • now he is saying I can’t let him go to California even though there IS family there
              • seriously, wtf? Why can’t I let my children have their own fucking lives?!
                • why must I control them even after they reach adulthood?
                  • I am beyond exhausted with this shit
  • got into a fight with my mom right after Little Bear went to school
    • seriously felt like somehow it went from me asking her not to yell at him to me becoming a surrogate for my dad for her to yell at
      • like no joke, she was using word for word the phrases and accusations they use on each other all the time and it was surreal as fuck
  • shortly after that we received news from Mythonia’s family that her oldest son, same age as Scholar Owl, had died
    • he had been found not breathing that morning after complaining the night before he wasn’t feeling well and going to bed early
  • my parents have left for Canada
  • the rest of us gathered together at the house with some of the brotherhood for dinner – and I can’t believe that Mouse’s wife brought their vomiting kids over

Tuesday ~ February 04, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: fucked if I know, up at 6:30pm

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? coffee
  • leftover pizza

Today’s Feelings

  • so much grief

Notes

  • sent Tuxedo Cat to school
  • kept Little Bear home
  • thanks to Mouse’s family, we have started to come down with the stomach flu
  • played RE2 most of the day
  • passed out watching Kill la Kill with my brother from California
  • Little Bear has come down with stomach flu

Wednesday ~ February 05, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 10am
woke up a few times before that, but that’s when I finally got out of bed

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? coffee
  • cheesecake

Today’s Feelings

  • grief, still trying to numb it

Notes

  • none of the boys went to school today
  • Tuxedo Cat came down with stomach flu

Thursday ~ February 06, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: forgot to document

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • coffee
  • I don’t even know what I ate

Today’s Feelings

  • numb

Notes

  • Gram passed today

Friday ~ February 07, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: forgot to document

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • meds forgotten completely

Meals

  • coffee
  • MSG free chicken ramen

Today’s Feelings

  • calm, but low

Notes

  • I came down with the stomach flu

Saturday ~ February 08, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: forgot to document

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • meds forgotten completely

Meals

  • coffee
  • Twizzlers
  • 2 tuna sandwiches

Today’s Feelings

  • calm, but still low

Notes

  • my brother went back to California today
  • this is when both my brother and my sister, Piggie, reminded me that Mom will never understand chronic illnesses like Bipolar
    • she was born and raised in Utah with the culture of “with enough faith and willpower, you can overcome anything”
      • they pointed out that even Dad has this mentality with his diabetes
      • this belief is okay up to a point, but it tends to drive people to also believe it’s a moral failing of some kind when a chronic illness persists
        • the illness/symptoms still exists, so clearly you don’t have enough faith and willpower – right?
          • I don’t think this was the intended concept to be conveyed in the scriptures
    • Mom doesn’t seem to understand that manic episodes are not healthy for the brain – all she sees in them is the drive and energy they bring
      • she doesn’t even realize that for me, they are connected to my migraines too which means I can’t have that kind of drive and energy that she is demanding from me without excruciating pain
        • additionally, I can’t control which type of episode hits or how long it will last, nor can I control what my brain fixates on when it hits
        • like I told Dad, mania is like overclocking a computer and frying the motherboard in the process
          • Dad understood this, as well as understanding it requires management like diabetes
            • I don’t know why Mom doesn’t and accuses me of just making excuses any time I try to explain
              • a manic episode will change the brain
                • a psychotic break causes even more dramatic changes to the brain
                  • my executive function is not like what it was before Little Bear was born
                    • however frustrating it may be for her, it’s far more for me
  • RE2 has been my numbing agent of choice most of the week, along with watching Yugi-O with Little Bear
    • it doesn’t even feel like much of a victory to have gotten S+ Rank on Claire in Hardcore Mode today

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