Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-07

Just been a rough week.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: 02/11/2020
side note: Full Moon on 02/09/2020

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ February 09, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 7am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • 2 cheeseburgers on wheat bread

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • Golden Knight came over to visit tonight, I was hoping for intimate time with him and indicated as much over messenger with a meme since my period is due very soon here and I expect that I’ll be on it by the time Valentine’s Day comes around
    • he sent me a smiley in response, so I assumed that he was on board with the idea, but when he got here all he wanted to do was watch the Oscars and when I asked him about it, he said he was tired
      • I wasn’t even disappointed at this point given everything that has happened in the past week
        • not to mention the fact that all week he has held space for me while I have tried to hold space for everyone else while feeling like I have failed to do so
      • later before he went home, I tried to touch base with him about the communication piece to see if there had been some kind of misunderstanding and for whatever reason he blew up and accused me of being in crisis about it
        • made me wish I had never even said a damn thing and wonder why I even try and if I’m just wasting my time
          • I pushed through and explained myself though and he calmed down and said he just doesn’t feel like he can say no
            • okay, I get that – I do – but I don’t understand why feeling that way triggered the explosion and the accusations in the first place
          • it also bothers me that during all of this that it came up that we’re in an open relationship and I’m free to see other people
            • it mildly felt like I was being pushed away, but this time it didn’t trigger a panic for some reason
            • and despite us being in an open relationship he said he is afraid that I will get ugly with him again if he tells me no to sex too many times
              • it’s not so much as being told no that bothers me – it’s the setting up the expectation for something and then being let down at the last minute that is upsetting
              • as for rejection, well that’s going to happen and that’s my can of worms to deal with
                • the truth is, I can be rejected only so many times before I’m gone for good
                  • I don’t want this to be a dead end
                  • I don’t know what I’m working so hard for right now or why
                    • like, why the fuck am I so invested?
      • this whole thing reminded me of what my therapist said about needing to make a serious choice
        • she asked me if I am capable of pulling back
          • as in NOT investing anymore
        • she asked me if I am willing and able to start seeking someone else to meet my needs
      • it isn’t really about the sex – it’s not – it’s about feeling stuck and not moving forward in any particular direction in this that bothers me and leaves me so uneasy
        • it’s feeling like I have to struggle to get my needs met and I don’t know why
          • I keep stating my needs: sex, love, romance, friendship, authenticity, transparency, and emotional support
            • I really do need ALL of these in a consistent manner
          • it’s the fear of being punished and shamed for having those needs in the first place
        • it’s the sense of shame and worry that I’m not important enough to anyone to be thought of and planned ahead for in their life
        • that I’m just invisible, on the sidelines, as an afterthought, as a means to an end to serve, a mere function within a larger program
        • my entire life has been to meet the needs of others and to care for them and now that I am the one that needs to be taken care of
          • like, how do you ask for what you need without feeling resented and despised?
          • like God forbid that I filing for disability
          • and this is my issue – I feel this way with everyone in my life

Monday ~ February 10, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 5am, bed at 5am, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • troubled

Notes

  • I don’t feel like I can hold space for anyone today, fuck it
    • wishing I had fallen apart sooner and let it all out
      • not sure I am able to do that, instead I feel myself sliding into “fuck it” mode
    • and no, this isn’t about last night specifically
      • this is the culmination of the entire week
        • nephew and grandmother dying
        • fight with my mother that is still fucking plaguing me that I know will never be resolved any time soon
          • just a continuation of ongoing bullshit of poison that I know I didn’t create in the first place
    • I feel like a selfish, toxic person for saying this
  • today Little Bear and I will be taking a tour of a specialty school to see if it will be a good fit for him
    • rescheduled due to weather
  • Dad called from my sister’s place in Canada just to tell me to call my brother and tell him to cut and split wood for me here at the house
    • why couldn’t he have called my brother himself rather than have me do it?
      • unless he wanted to check and make sure that I was using the wood stove and not just the furnace to heat the house
        • which I was until yesterday, when I ran out of wood actually
          • and no, I didn’t think to tell my brother this so I guess it was good Dad called in the long run
    • my brother only plowed the driveway today and didn’t get to cutting the wood
  • finished scheduling Chaos Rally 2020-12
  • completed a personal reading for myself and Golden Knight
    • sorry, shareable only with him
  • Golden Knight surprised me last night by asking me if he can come over tomorrow night to spend time with me, saying he might not have to work Wednesday so he can stay up later than usual
    • I asked him what he had in mind and he said he was up for anything, but concrete plans weren’t made
      • after what happened Sunday night, I didn’t feel like I could ask for anything – not sure why – like the ball needs to be in his court at this point
    • he also surprised me by saying he bought me a Valentine’s Day gift
      • I have been angsting so hard over that day coming, wanting and hoping it to be a fun, romantic, and sexy day and trying to figure out how to make it happen that I haven’t yet figured out what kind of gift to get him yet even though I have considered a few things
        • I did consider getting Promise Rings a little over a month ago, but knowing him he would take it completely wrong and freak right the fuck out before giving me a chance to explain what the promise is behind it
        • unfortunately, even though the only rule with Promise Rings is to be absolutely clear with the meaning behind it, most people associate them with either romance or purity pledges
        • my brother in California has been doing DNA and legal document based genealogy and discovered that we are distant cousins to William Shakespear – not direct, but distant (in other words, if he can’t prove you are related to him, you don’t get put in his records – he’s been bugging me to take DNA test lately “for science” because he’s a butthead like that – I say this with tongue in cheek because I know that I will eventually do this “for science” because I am also a butthead like that)
          • so I thought it would be cool to have rings engraved with his quote, “To Thine Own Self Be True,” with the promise to always support and inspire each other to be our greatest and truest authentic selves
            • really wish I could afford to do that and really wish it was something that wouldn’t freak him out because it has nothing to do with engagements or fucking marriage, which is a bummer because this is the kind of thing that even friends could wear for each other as a promise
              • I don’t know, this has more depth and meaning to me than anything else somehow on a soul level right now
                • a part of me wants to test the waters with him on this idea and if he responds well, then I may start shopping around for this
                  • he responded with indifference
                    • my heart broke and he doesn’t even understand why
    • he told me he would get to the reading I did for us soon, but not tonight, which didn’t surprise me either – only mild disappointment
      • a clear sign I’m sliding into “fuck it town”
    • he then tells me that he’s sorry he hasn’t been himself lately, but today he feels like he’s finally coming out of his funk
      • my first thought is that he hasn’t been himself for a year and a half now
        • ever since October 2018 in fact
      • and that’s when I’m like, “just when I’m sinking”
        • yeah, sure it’s more than likely due to everything going on in my life right now – two deaths in one week, my mother spewing her toxic shit ever since I took that Reiki class, me feeling wounded ever since not one soul in my life wanted to celebrate my joy in taking that class even though I shouldn’t have expected any different
          • the whole thing has fucked with my head and I have all this energy and yet… when it comes out it’s negative
            • which of course, only upsets me more
              • it feels broken and wrong
                • I can’t even seem to resolve anything with anyone without pissing them off right now which fucking breaks my heart to no end
                  • what the fuck is wrong with me?
                    • what am I doing that keeps triggering these painful confrontational responses?
                    • why do I feel so small, insignificant, and invisible?
                      • I don’t know how to fix it and I feel like giving up entirely on everything

Tuesday ~ February 11, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 9am – 7 hours total
struggled with akathisia last night for the first time in fucking ages, on top of that I fell apart with grief – when it rains, it pours I guess

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 10mg Propranolol @ 12am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 10m
  • 75mg Topamax @ 10am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 10am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • fried chicken, mashed potatoes cheesy broccoli

Today’s Feelings

  • numb
  • broken

Notes

  • slept through my alarm
    • Tuxedo Cat did not get himself to school today
      • seriously need to get my shit together
  • Therapy Tuesday
  • Golden Knight came over and brought dinner
    • it was a rough evening together with a hard conversation
      • I collapsed
      • honestly, for most of it I felt like it was okay for people to need energy from me but it was not okay to need energy from them
        • that it was okay to listen to people bitch and complain and emotionally dump on me, but not ever do that to anyone else ever
          • not saying doing any of this is okay – just resenting the fact that when the tables was turned I was the bad guy
            • I’m fully aware of how infected my energy feels right now and I don’t know how to fix it just yet
              • I just don’t think he is aware of how often he has done this emotional dumping to me in the past
                • it’s why I told him to stop with the negative ranting the way he was
                  • and it was fair for him to bring it up to me too last night, it’s just I wish he hadn’t done it in such a nasty and demeaning way that sounded like that’s all I ever do about everything
                    • he did eventually acknowledge that I don’t – that it has only been this past week and been about my mom
      • I’m reaching that point again where I feel like I can’t ever ask for anything from anyone
        • I’m that depleted and everyone around me seems consistently unavailable to give with their cups out waiting to be filled
        • I need to feel seen, heard, and known – to feel truly celebrated
          • instead, I feel like I’m fading away
            • a part of me wants to give into it, knowing that no one will notice anyhow
              • and I resent this feeling
  • also realized that for some reason most of my notes ended up in Monday’s note box
    • not fixing it

Wednesday ~ February 12, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6am – 4 hours total
napped 12pm to 3pm – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 10am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 10am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 10am
  • 600mg Ibuprophen @ 4pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 6pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 6pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • steak stir fry with sampler appetizer and banana chimi and hard cider

Today’s Feelings

  • crappy this morning
  • calm later half of the day

Notes

  • don’t know how it’s possible to wake up disappointed to be awake, but I did
    • also feel the desire to fade increase this morning
    • it bothers me to know I’m sliding more into “fuck it” mode
    • it bothers me to feel like I’m not anything like what people want from me
      • that it’s not okay to be myself
      • that it’s not okay to do the things that bring me joy
      • that it’s not okay to share my joy
      • that nothing about my joy is okay or normal
      • that I’m just not allowed
        • to expressed it
          • the joy itself
          • or even the frustration surrounding in trying to achieve it or maintain it or what’s blocking it
    • nothing about any of this should ever be this hard
      • why do I even try so fucking hard?
      • what is even the point in all of this?
      • where is all of this energy even going?
      • if I’m so broken and wrong, then who am I supposed to be?
      • how do I make better?
      • and when will this useless struggle end?
    • I’m exhausted and done
      • I don’t want to do anything anymore
  • I cancelled all appointments for today and took a nap, don’t know why but it made a huge difference in improving my mood
  • went out to dinner with Golden Knight
    • dinner was enjoyable
    • we talked about earlier in the day how we both needed to focus on the positive and things to be grateful for more often
      • I intend to strive harder to do this more often each day while having more compassion for myself on the days when I’m not able to

Thursday ~ February 13, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 6am – 9 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • last night’s leftovers

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • worked on blog
    • scheduled Chaos Rally 2020-12
    • started Chaos Rally 2020-13
  • toured the new school with Little Bear
    • he liked the place until he learned he will be going there for the full day instead of a partial day and that there will be no going home for bad behavior

Friday ~ February 14, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 2am, bed at 2am, up at 6am – 9 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • green tea
  • sashimi on rice and fried bananas

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • worked on blog
    • finished scheduling Chaos Rally 2020-13
    • scheduled Chaos Rally 2020-14
  • follow up Reiki appointment via phone
  • our Xbox One died today
    • it’s not the power supply – seems it’s the mechanism inside the console that turns it on that needs to be repaired
    • as much use as it gets, this shouldn’t be surprising but it’s still a bummer
  • spent the evening with Golden Knight
    • he got a me a chocolate rose and stuff frog prince
    • I got him the Parasite movie
    • we went out to a Japanese restaurant for dinner and came back for intimate time together
      • he had originally planned to take me to see Birds of Prey, but he ended up picking me up later than he had planned and has to work in the morning so I told him it would be easier to see it another time

Saturday ~ February 15, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 8am – 10 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 8:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • worked on blog 9:30-12pm
    • scheduled Chaos Rally 2020-15
  • found out today that Golden Knight doesn’t see us progressing any further than what we are now
    • this shattered me because when we went into this it was with the understanding that we were building a future together and now I know that he doesn’t see one right now
    • I now have to decide if I want to continue or not
    • only to find out as we tried to work through things that semantics was getting in the way of things and he does see me as an active part of his dreams and goals – but now there is a wound to heal between us
      • we both found out in the process of all this that we are both feeling kind of stuck and afraid
        • and I don’t know how to resolve it
        • all this time he has never told me that I was an active part of his dreams, and any time I asked him about his plans he would tell me he didn’t know how I fit into them… and then suddenly tonight when I was shattered by the realization that he didn’t see us progressing and thus to me that we have no future, I do fit into all of that?

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