Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-08

Been one hell of a week. Serious rollercoaster of emotions and I hope it leads to growth and a breakthrough too. I need one so fucking bad at this point. I’m just done with bullshit, stress, and heartache.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ February 16, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight. up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 4pm
  • 10mg Ativan @ 4pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 9pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9pm

Meals

  • ginger tea
  • ? cups of coffee
  • steak and eggs with wheat toast

Today’s Feelings

  • woke up feeling wrecked
  • the day did not get better

Notes

  • Private Notes
  • on top of everything he told me last night, Golden Knight tells me he isn’t sure I’m the one, but still wants to be in an Open Relationship with me even though he wants to “work on towards commitment in baby steps”
    • he can’t even tell me what the fuck that even means
    • on my end, it means nothing is changing
    • he accuses me of trying to rob the one thing that he needs to be happy when I reminded him I gave up a big part of what I needed to be happy in order to do this open relationship and now he’s destroyed what little bit of what I had left
      • I honestly thought we were on the same page in that we were building a future together
      • not once have I lied to him about how I felt or where I was at with this
      • I feel deceived, betrayed, and so fucking used right now it’s unreal
    • he then says he’ll think about it
      • which I knows translates into him taking fucking forever in the hopes that I will give in
    • we’re basically back to square one in all of this
    • I now feel just like I did back when I was married, I do
      • pointless, hopeless, powerless
      • my turn for happiness will never come
        • I have given it up my entire life for everyone else
          • as a daughter
          • as a mother
          • as a wife
          • as a girlfriend
          • as fucking everything
          • and any time I try to ask for happiness, I’m punished for it
            • fuck it, I give up

Monday ~ February 17, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -2 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 3 ~ Migraine: 1A ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 6am – 9 hours total

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8pm
  • 10mg Ativan @ 8pm
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 10am (next @ 4pm)
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 10am (next @ 8pm)
  • 25mg Benedryl @ 2:30pm (next @ 6:30pm)
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 4pm (next @ 10pm)
  • 25mg Benedryl @ 6:30pm (next @ 10:30pm)
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 10mg Ativan @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • 2 hard cider
  • chicken Alfredo

Today’s Feelings

  • still wrecked

Notes

  • he tells me he woke up with dread
    • I suppose this is my fault too
    • and of course, he’s still thinking about it which in turn jacks up my anxiety
    • I can’t help but feel like I am nothing more than a glorified and well trained, living blow up doll that caters to his wants and needs at this point
      • what ever it is that I want or need always becomes a fucking crisis
  • I am tanking so hard it’s insane
    • I can barely focus on anything else right now
    • spent most of the day in bed, barely functioning
      • really wishing I wouldn’t wake up
        • I don’t want to feel today – like, at all
          • I’d rather be dead inside than to feel any of this
  • at least I washed the boys’ laundry today, so I’m not completely useless
  • and of course, Golden Knight didn’t want to come see me tonight when I messaged him and asked him if he would make time for me
    • instead he said he would message me after his workout and had dinner which might be around 8pm
      • I had honestly wanted to go out to dinner with him, but he said he needed space
        • but then he changed his mind about dinner
          • and that’s when I realized how much of a mess I am: overly medicated and already drinking
            • what the fuck am I doing?
              • no wonder so many people with Bipolar end up with chemical dependencies
                • emotional regulation is no fucking joke
                  • I honestly don’t know how you normies do this shit on a daily basis
                    • I feel so damn weak
                      • tired of feeling pain and panic
                        • tired of feeling anything to be honest
    • and I’m getting tired of hearing how not normal he is – like it’s an excuse for his behavior
      • he fucking knows what he’s doing to me is wrong but he doesn’t want to change
        • I can either accept it or just walk the fuck away
          • that’s really where I’m at now in my life
            • accept the bullshit, or hurt his feelings and be “hateful” and just be on my own
              • someday me wanting to be happy won’t involve me being the hateful bitch
    • he took me to dinner and told me that he would get me a promise ring symbolizing his commitment to making us work
      • he doesn’t want a ring because he doesn’t like jewelry
        • which is fair, I’ve only recently started wearing jewelry myself
      • he wants me to pick out the ring because I know what to look for when it comes to finding things that doesn’t look like wedding shit and we want something that along the lines of spirit animals
        • and for real, I don’t want a wedding or engagement ring or anything like that for this – a totem ring would be perfect though
  • parents came home last night, just before Golden Knight took me out to dinner

Tuesday ~ February 18, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 6m, bed at 6:30am, up at 8:30am – 11 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • PM meds forgotten for some reason

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • calm – well, kind of

Notes

  • my parents started their shit first thing in the morning, like they had never left
    • god forbid they could hear us walking last night
    • god forbid Scholar Owl wasn’t awake at 9am and available to do stuff for them when they themselves were just getting out of bed and still in their pajamas
  • found one ring on Etsy that caught my eye and sent the link to Golden Knight
    • he liked it and asked me to keep looking
    • oddly, I’m finding myself drawn to the turtle one and after talking to him about the symbolism behind each of the animals and the plumeria, I think he feels the same way but I don’t what to pick a ring until he is absolutely certain what it is he is promising to me
      • he understood what I meant by putting a promise on a ring that the symbolism would charge it
        • the symbolism needs to align with the promise
        • charging it will strengthen and solidify the meaning for us both
      • it’s a little frustrating that he doesn’t have a clear idea of what his promise is, but at this point I shouldn’t be surprised
        • I honestly thought he knew what his promise was already, but him double backing has become the norm at this point
          • I will not wait for him to figure out this promise for very long
            • I made it very clear to him last night that I can’t do this open relationship anymore if it means there is no hope for a future together towards something real and a solid commitment
              • I made it very clear that I need to be someone’s one and only and that I sacrificed that when I offer this middle ground to make him happy because I believed we were on the same page regarding having future together
                • I would much rather be alone for the rest of my life than to be stuck in this half-ass, non-committed limbo hell
                  • I don’t care how much I love him
                  • I don’t care what the spirit guides say
                  • I don’t care if he really is my twin flame
                  • if this is honestly not going anywhere, then I’d rather be solo – whether happy or unhappy, it doesn’t matter to me

                    • fuck this bullshit
                    • fuck these games
              • not once have I ever lied to him about my intentions or my feelings or my beliefs or where I stand with him BUT never has he ever been able to be clear with me and give me anything other than mixed signals
                • he says he doesn’t do this but
                  • saying “Part of me wants this” is a mixed signal – period
                  • saying something then back pedaling on it is a mixed signal – period
              • I feel like he’s trying to keep me confused so I won’t leave – maybe this is just my fear talking
        • he shocked me with a message waiting for me after therapy saying he thought it was what we figured out last night but he couldn’t remember the exact words so I messaged back to him saying:
          • I believe it was along the lines of you agreeing to commit putting in your best effort into building a future (as in a deeper, long-term relationship) with meso however you want to word that
            • and he was good with this and said he’d text me when he got out of the gym
              • the wording he’s choosing:
                • Committing to put my best effort into building a deeper long-term relationship with you.
              • I’m honestly floored and it means the world to me
                • we agreed on the turtle ring
  • Therapy Tuesday
    • my therapist remembered walking me through the process of deciding whether to offer him the middle ground or not and how she made a point to tell me to be very clear with him what I wanted and needed before getting into it and what the pros and cons of doing it were
      • she said it before and she reminded me again:
        • there is nothing wrong with taking a calculated risk and sacrificing some happiness for a bigger return
        • there is nothing wrong with asking for small returns on investment in order to continue taking the longer risk for that bigger return
        • and there is always a point where you need to decide when the loss has become too great and you have to call it a bust and walk away
    • she is really proud of me that I am making tremendous progress in setting, communicating, and holding boundaries
      • especially for someone that took three years just to figure out what they were and how they work
    • she also said I’m making great progress in strengthening my communication skills overall
      • Golden Knight and I were able to pull through this without it devolving into a toxic, dysfunctional mess – so kudos to both of us and our growth
    • she also reminded me of the conversation we had back when I got divorced about how when you don’t put in your best effort it’s doomed to fail, but if you know you did put in your best effort then you can walk away knowing there was nothing more that could have been done and you have your closure
      • it pleased her that I remember this well enough to share this concept of effort with Golden Knight
        • half-ass effort guarantees a relationship will fail, but if you give it your best effort at least then you can walk away with pride knowing you gave it your best
          • And you know what? I did with that marriage. I did everything I could think of to make shit work. And it didn’t. There was nothing I could have done to change that. Other than maybe not marry him in the first place. But I had no way of knowing that when I got married. So when the divorce came, there was nothing to mourn. No “what ifs” or “maybe” or anything like that for me. I know I gave it my best shot. And I’m good with that. Whether he feels the same or not is his problem.
            • and I think this is probably the first time in a long time my ex-husband has come up in therapy
              • but it goes to show how much I have grown as a person
    • we also talked about me feeling like I have been putting my life on hold and waiting for my turn to be happy and how I want to change that in light of seeing my nephew die so damn young
      • so we talked about how sometimes that’s hard to figure out how to make that happen, and often times the first step is recognizing what doesn’t make us happy and make changes regarding that
      • and again, she told me to not be afraid to speak up about my needs and what I want
        • allow people to decide for themselves to say yes or no
        • hold space for their answer
        • sit with my own feelings – they’re not responsible for them
        • if the answer is no, ask myself how else I can meet the need
    • she told me it’s perfectly fine for me to not feel a need to seek out other people even though I’m in an open relationship
      • the idea of being in an open relationship is having freedom of choice
      • this freedom includes not seeing other people if I wish
        • I cannot control how my attraction chemistry works
        • I am still working through my trauma/safety issues
        • it’s just nice knowing that I even have the choice
        • the idea of revenge fucking someone else just because my needs aren’t being met through my partner deeply bothers me
        • if I’m going to have sex with someone then I want it to be because I want to have sex with them, not because I feel like I have to
      • I am not robbing his freedom by exercising my freedom of choice

Wednesday ~ February 19, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • ginger tea
  • 1 slice of fried spam

Today’s Feelings

  • resolved and renewed most of the day
  • some angst at the end of the day

Notes

  • Little Bear’s OT
  • found out we’re now out of Food Stamps when we went to pick up milk after OT
  • Dad found Little Bear’s 3DS that we thought he had lost
  • I know Golden Knight doesn’t fully understand why transparency in our open relationship is so important to me
    • like why I needed to know the name of the woman he turned down
    • not sure why either other than after dealing with my ex-husband’s bullshit of withholding information and lies or partial truths for so long, the not knowing bothers the fuck out of me completely
      • and if you start dodging and hedging me with information when I ask you a question, I will feel like something about you isn’t trustworthy because you aren’t trusting me
      • and if I find out on my own or through someone else, trust is broken

Thursday ~ February 20, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • leftover chicken Alfredo

Today’s Feelings

  • okay, I guess?
    • no, not entirely – angsting a bit today

Notes

  • eye appointment for Tuxedo Cat and I
  • Golden Knight seems unusually busy today and highly selective in terms to what he is choosing to respond with my texts
    • unlike his normal day, he didn’t have a morning break
    • when he did respond at lunch, he only focused on the eye appointment and talked about the healing documentary that I started watching last night but haven’t finished yet
      • which we talked about the documentary already last night
      • didn’t bother to touch the sex/love topic
        • I don’t know if this means he’s not in the mood for sex/romance today and doesn’t feel comfortable to tell me or what
          • so I’m left sitting with this insecure feeling about how we communicate
            • too often when I’m upfront and direct, he gets upset because according to him he feels like he can’t say no, but when I try to be indirect and gentle about my needs they get blown off and ignored
              • I honestly don’t know what to do about this
              • it’s fine to tell me no, I’m okay with that
                • what I’m not okay with is nothing being said at all because then I’m not even sure if I was understood in the first place
                  • that really eats at me and it creates a sort of urgency
                    • makes me wonder if it’s a power play to trigger a chase of sorts to be honest, something I’m not really interested in
                      • I like romance, I like to woo, but I don’t like bullshit mind games like that
            • when I asked him about it directly, he said he didn’t realize that I needed a response from him
              • which I know is not true because of the fight we had on Oscars night about this very same thing
              • in any case, he told me that from now on I can ask him directly and he promises it won’t become a crisis anymore
                • plus, he said we can have intimate time this Sunday
                  • I truly hope so… I really hate feeling like I’m begging for it all the time and then when it does come around it feels so rushed and brief
                    • would be really nice if he started asking me again once in awhile
                      • why must I be the one always pursuing?
  • Golden Knight and I talked about the pursuit thing in a direct and candid manner
    • it didn’t turn into a fight or blame game, which I am deeply grateful for
    • we made plans for this Sunday – movie date and sexy time
    • he also talked about making time more often during the week for fun together
      • sexy time or otherwise – we both need it
    • the only bummer about the conversation was that it was online and he was very distracted during the whole thing
      • he was busy talking to his roommate while talking to me too
        • which honestly, I know is normal for the online world but I did ask him for his time and had hoped for his undivided attention for this sensitive topic
          • I don’t do this to him when he is talking to me about something important – online or in person
            • so it’s kind of a let down
              • not sure why, but it makes me wonder how long I will have to wait for the promise ring
      • BUT he did tell me how much he appreciates how well I treat him, so there is that

Friday ~ February 21, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 8am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 11:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 11:30am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 11:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • tried some gross green tea flavored with lemon verbena, lemon balm, and lemon grass – the herbs overpowered the green tea completely
  • ginger tea
  • no MSG added chicken ramen noodles

Today’s Feelings

  • I feel… pensive and agitated
    • I’m having trouble processing and clearing it
  • watching Naruto lifted my spirits and talking to Dad while drinking the nasty tea really helped too for some reason

Notes

  • all night last night all I could think about was how hard I had pushed Little Bear to sleep on his own when he wasn’t really ready to just so I could share the bed with Golden Knight and now I am sleeping alone, which I don’t like at all and have never liked doing – ever
    • granted pushing Little Bear to do this is also something my dad has been wanting me to do as well and now I’m back to the problem of him not sleeping at night, but now he doesn’t want to cuddle or snuggle with me at all ever anymore and it breaks my heart now and I regret ever doing this without thinking about the long term effects on our bond
      • really need to stop doing shit just to make other people happy without taking the time to consider how it’s going to impact the happiness of me and my boys
  • so now I’m just stewing over this karmic lesson while fucking around in Minecraft, because this isn’t the only time in my life where I have done something like this
    • the only way I’m going to be happier in life is by starting to make my happiness and joy more of a priority
  • decided to chill and watch Naruto with Little Bear and eat ramen with the boys
    • while talking to Dad about Mom over tea, he revealed that he is just as worried and bothered by how she has been as I am
      • she really isn’t herself lately and has been getting worse
        • it’s like she is there, but isn’t
  • reading this article today made me realize that I need to break free from my own patterns and chill the fuck out the best I can before my heart space gives up completely and closes up on this relationship dynamic
    • not that I really have a choice, I feel like I’m railing against a stone wall most of the time to no avail
      • I’m burning out and losing hope at this point

Saturday ~ February 22, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0.5 ~ Migraine: 1A ~ Joint Pain: 1

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11:30pm, up at 6:30am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 12pm
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 12pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • woke up peaceful
  • feeling a little angsty by afternoon

Notes

  • I know it’s “Princess Weekend” but usually Golden Knight makes an effort to message me in the morning when he wakes up and he hasn’t at all today
    • I haven’t bothered to be the one to message him instead because most of this week it has felt like he’s been avoiding me, even though I know it’s my own paranoia and anxiety telling me this
      • he messaged me around 4:30pm
        • and yes, my brain was being stupid
          • we confirmed our date plans for tomorrow
          • he assured me that he will be ordering the ring next Friday
          • he gave me his birthday wish list
          • and as much as I didn’t want to, my brain just had to go down that dark stress/anxiety hole
            • just had to tell him about when I mentioned to my dad yesterday that I feel like I am useless and not helpful in his eyes, he didn’t even try to argue the point and later even mentioned how lazy I am
              • this is how much of a waste of space I am to my parents all because I’m not doing whatever it is they want me to do – and it drives me nuts that any time me being an author comes up, Dad tries to convince to publish children’s books – like wtf? seriously?
                • so it’s okay to be a writer as long as I write what he wants me to write?
                  • this shit is getting beyond old now
                    • just when I was really starting to give Dad the benefit of a doubt too and believe things were mended between us he pulls that shit
                      • Piggie is right, I just need to move the fuck out
  • dinked around on a new map in Minecraft
    • listened to meditative music while building a villager town
  • also watched more Naruto with Little Bear

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