Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-09

Anxiety was an issue in the first half of the week, but things eased up by the second half. Not sure why sinking myself into a creative project in Minecraft seemed to do the trick, but it did. I just like making stuff and it has been a really long time since I’ve tinkered around in there. I hope to have something to show you guys here soon.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ February 23, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am, up at 8am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • steak tips, white rice, pineapple

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • worked on my meditative Minecraft building map some more
  • tried to have a healing conversation with my mom to repair things
    • it kind of went okay
    • she was still focused on being right and on her pain
    • and she admitted that she is unhappy with the fact that she isn’t able to have the house to herself
      • and went on about something to the effect about how I can’t do life on my own with the boys
        • okay so about that… like Golden Knight pointed out, I can and I was doing all of that by myself while I was married to my ex-husband who lived out of state
          • the problem is my parents have insanely high standards and they keep raising the bar, so even if you somehow manage to almost reach them that carrot somehow disappears
            • this is something Piggie and I were talking about last night and how she has released herself from chasing that carrot – which never existed in the first place – and now that I have come to terms with this, I need to release myself from it too
              • I need to start focusing on my own happiness rather than chasing carrots that aren’t real
                • as miserable as that marriage was for me, I at least have that experience to thank for learning this lesson about the carrots
                • and now I am learning what does and doesn’t make me happy with my current relationship
                  • it’s forcing me to look at myself
  • date night was lovely
    • Birds of Prey and the Fantabluous Emancipation of Harley Quinn was a fun ride to watch
    • intimate time with Golden Knight afterward was meaningful and heartfelt
      • no angst, no awkwardness, just fun and relaxed
    • and while the evening was all truly lovely for me…
      • it does bother me that Sundays are no longer visits with Tuxedo Cat
        • I used to brag so much about how dedicated he was to our son and his visits and time spent with him
          • I used to say he would come every week on Sunday, like clockwork and that they were like two peas in a pod
            • now? it’s like he has grown distant from all of us and I am the only one fighting to keep him around
              • it won’t be long before our son will be 18 and that time and opportunity to bond with him will be lost forever
                • I can’t seem to get him to understand that it isn’t the child’s responsibility to reach out and make the effort to bond, but the parent’s
                  • as much as he might want to blame me for the lack of a bond, it will never be my fault – it’s not something I can ever hand over to him on a silver platter
                    • that has always been something he has had to earn on his own

Monday ~ February 24, 2020

Daily Draw

Lunar Intentions

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 12am, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • black tea
  • popcorn
  • peanut butter sandwich

Today’s Feelings

  • woke up feeling peaceful

Notes

  • between talking to Piggie and then my mother, I strongly feel that I need to break free of the paranoia, negativity, and fear that is this house
    • I somehow need to step out on my own as my own
      • I need to find the courage to do this
      • the only way out is through and I need to start making the money I need to move out of here
  • worked on blog – 8am to 11am
    • scheduled Lunar Intentions for March 2020
  • worked on blog 12:30pm to 3pm
    • scheduled Daily Draw 2020-Week 14
    • scheduled Daily Draw 2020-Week 15
  • Private Thoughts

Tuesday ~ February 25, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: none

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 1 cup ginger tea
  • crunchy chow mein noodles

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • tried to focus on the Minecraft meditative build I started, but that didn’t go well
  • talked to Light Flower about Golden Knight and I today and she told me to make sure that I don’t allow doubt or anyone else’s doubt to insert into the relationship and that I make sure that I put my best self and effort into the relationship as well
    • I can’t expect him to do it without doing the same – which is fair
  • brain fog was bad today
  • Therapy Tuesday
    • she was happy for me with the breakthroughs I’ve been making in regards to my own understanding with myself, the next step is following through to break the cycle in behavior
      • particularly seeing some aspects of myself in my mother
  • the spiritual community sees the pattern of sleep disruption as a sign of an upgrade so to speak, like being on the verge of a breakthrough if one is willing to follow through with it
    • far as I can tell, I’m not displaying signs of depression or mania, so I hope this is the case – I need to break free from the remains of the cycle that was my marriage
      • all of that toxic and unhealthy behavior and mindsets
      • limiting beliefs, victim mentality – whatever it is that is stopping me from moving forward and keeping me stuck here
        • I don’t want to stay like this
  • before calling it a night, Golden Knight messaged me and asked if I would be interested in going out on a date this Friday
    • like dinner and hanging out – he didn’t give any details, but the energy he conveyed was high and good, even some excitement around that
      • it felt really good being asked and I look forward to this Friday with him

Wednesday ~ February 26, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 6am – 9 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • tacos

Today’s Feelings

  • solid and calm

Notes

  • woke up free of anxiety for a change
  • worked on blog 8:30am to 11am
    • scheduled Daily Draw 2020 Week 16
    • scheduled Daily Draw 2020 Week 17
  • worked on blog 11:30am to 1pm
    • scheduled Daily Draw 2020 Week 18
  • Little Bear’s OT Appointment

Thursday ~ February 27, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 5:30am – 4.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • PM meds missed

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • homemade beef stew Dad made

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • school cancelled due to ice storm
  • discovered that Minecraft now allows for custom data packs which lets you dictate custom random generation of structures so of course I decided to take it upon myself to learn how this works…

Friday ~ February 28, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4:30am, up at 6am – 1.5 total hours
Little Bear did not sleep at all

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • steak and eggs for dinner

Today’s Feelings

  • just good

Notes

  • data pack project continues
  • IEP Meeting for Little Bear went well
    • he starts at the new school next week on Tuesday
  • date night with Golden Knight was very nice as well
    • for the first time ever, I spent the night as his place

Saturday ~ February 29, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 5:30am – 6.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • baked chicken, mashed potatoes, diced mangoes

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • finally got my directory folders all figured out for the data pack project
    • completely comfortable with how the structure block works now
      • it’s nice being able to create structure files in-game without a 3rd party program – not sure if WorldPainter can use them, if not I will need to figure out how to convert an NBT file into a Schematic file for that
      • even started making my own trees that don’t look too terribly embarrassing
    • this morning I discovered that there is a jigsaw block and I think I understand what it does, so I might not need to script function files to do what I want to do with this particular pack – which is to customize the default villages for now
      • discovering the jigsaw block does mean that I will probably need to re-save every single structure I have done so far, but that’s okay
  • Golden Knight came over for dinner then he took me out to play pool
    • I had fun, but it was a bit frustrating to know how much I suck at the game now after not playing for so many years
      • there was a time him and I weren’t so far apart in skill and it was more fun on a competitive level, but now I feel like I’m just getting my ass handed to me

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