Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-10

Overview


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: 03/05/2020 (23 days)

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ March 01, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: forgot to document

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 10 Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10 Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • chicken burgers on bun
  • popcorn

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • continued working on the custom random generated village project in Minecraft
  • Golden Knight came over to visit with Tuxedo Cat and we all watched Battle Angel Alita together
    • including Scholar Owl, who at first didn’t want to watch it but ended up really liking the movie

Monday ~ March 02, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: forgot to document

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 10 Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10 Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • continued working on the custom random generated village project in Minecraft
  • Little Bear had no school today since he’s been transferred to the learning center and starts tomorrow
  • Scholar Owl’s med clinic appointment
  • went shopping for the cooking date Golden Knight and I planned for

Tuesday ~ March 03, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: forgot to document

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 10 Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10 Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • steak, mashed potatoes, pineapple

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • continued working on the custom random generated village project in Minecraft
  • Therapy was cancelled
  • went to see Tuxedo Cat’s unified basketball game with Golden Knight
  • after the game, Golden Knight and I cooked the steak together – using the pineapple to tenderize the steak
    • he surprised me by giving me the promise ring, which apparently came in the mail last night
      • it would have been a truly awesome and special moment if he hadn’t immediately gone into talking about politics after just handing it to me
        • I don’t know, maybe I’m just too picky or something? but I was hoping for it to be a romantic and meaningful moment between us
          • I didn’t want it to just be, “here’s your ring,” and then glossed over like it was some everyday thing
    • and while the sex was great, he went home within an hour after dinner
      • this includes cuddle time before and after
      • it’s like: “oh, whoa… we did a thing that brought us closer together so I need to run away now”
        • and maybe it’s not any of that on his end, but that’s how it feels on my end – like just when I finally feel safe, close, and comfortable enough to really open up that’s when he is leaving or has to go
          • this makes me feel like I don’t have enough time with him and like I’m begging for his attention
            • I hate feeling this way – it SUCKS so fucking bad

Wednesday ~ March 04, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: forgot to document

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 10 Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10 Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • leftover steak

Today’s Feelings

  • content most of the day until this evening

Notes

  • continued working on the custom random generated village project in Minecraft
  • when I finally got the chance to talk to him this evening on messenger, Golden Knight ended up cutting me off as I was trying to explain to him something I’ve been trying to puzzle out with my project
    • this really hurt on several levels
      • one, I try really hard to not do this to him no matter how busy I am
      • two, this happened right after Tuesday night where I felt quickly cut off twice that night too
      • three, this happens often – online and in person
        • online it’s because of work or because he’s hanging out with someone else
          • this time it’s because his roommate/cousin wanted to watch a movie with him before they called it a night
            • he never said which movie they were watching… odd
    • I didn’t mean to, but I exploded over that because it made me feel like I’m not allowed to talk about anything important to me
    • after that, I didn’t feel like working on the project anymore
      • not even sure if I want to talk to him about it anymore either
        • like… what’s the point?
          • it was the same way when I took the first degree Reiki class
            • he didn’t seem to give two shits about it until after I got upset THEN suddenly he cared
              • why can’t someone care in the beginning without me getting upset first?

Thursday ~ March 05, 2020

Daily Draw:

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 5am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 10 Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10 Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • despondent

Notes

  • Golden Knight messaged me good morning 30 minutes earlier than normal
    • he also had to head out to work a bit earlier than usual too
    • I tried to address the odd intimacy and pulling away pattern I’ve been noticing ever since we started talking about the ring and his entire focus in response to that was his work hours and his finances
      • I wasn’t asking that he change his work hours, I was asking for increased understanding and sensitivity
      • I ended up feeling like a completely toxic and needy asshole for even bringing it up
        • I find myself apologizing for being human and not because of anything he said or did
          • he did say I wasn’t wrong for needing what I need
          • it’s just his initial focus – his need to explain – triggered a deep sense of unworthiness in me
            • I know why he explains himself – it stems from his own trauma and fears
              • how do I express my needs without triggering him?
              • the excessive explaining feels dismissive – like I don’t have the right to bring something up
  • Little Bear’s transfer IEP meeting went well but lasted longer than expected so we ended up almost 20mins late to his dental appointment and had to reschedule it
  • Golden Knight and I discussed the triggers thing and tried to sort out better ways of communicating to each other
    • he also took the time tonight to chat with me about Little Bear’s IEP and my Minecraft project even though I hadn’t touched it since I last tried to talk to him about it
      • I did work on it tonight since talking to him about it renewed my energy for it but I still haven’t figured out the function files
        • I follow the video tutorials exactly, but all too often my pack doesn’t work for some reason

Friday ~ March 06, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2:30am, up at 6am – 3.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed
  • 10 Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • pensive

Notes

  • worked on the Minecraft datapack project – still no idea how to make function files work in such a way to force load completely customized villages in biomes where ever I want them to spawn – which would be cool
  • while communication improves between us, I fear that Golden Knight has no real interest in ever committing in any kind of real long term relationship
    • my deepest concern is that I am nothing more than a security option
      • a guaranteed thing when there’s nothing else available
      • we don’t even hang around his friends or family anymore
        • the last time his friend had a gig and Golden Knight had the night off, he took me out to play pool, claiming he didn’t feel like driving but if his friend’s gig was in the area then HE would have gone so I got the sense that I wouldn’t have been invited to go with him
      • he mentions wanting to see movies that other girls that have hit him up for sex have posted about seeing yet quickly loses interest in the movies we had talked about going to see
        • he wants to Invisible Man now, but suddenly says Bloodshot doesn’t look interesting after talking about it with me a month ago
      • the whole thing – this, his sudden brief dating behavior with me, all of it – feels off and weird
        • I’m honestly afraid to get my hopes up at this point
        • I fear that this is no different than what I ended up with when I got married to Little Bear’s father
        • I don’t know where the feeling is coming from and I feel like I’m just looking for reasons for it but I can’t shake it either
        • I wish these plaguing thoughts would go away
          • I didn’t have them in the beginning when he was coming on strong and being all romantic
            • now he acts like he doesn’t know what romance even is
              • beginning to think he only does it when it serves his needs and purposes
              • it’s heartbreaking and discouraging
                • a part of me says I should be pulling back and pour less energy and effort into him
                  • a part of me is giving up
                    • I know he’s busy and that he has to put a lot of hours into work but a romantic note or song once in awhile would seriously be more than nice…

Saturday ~ March 07, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 10 Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am

Meals

  • 1 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • blah – just down for some reason
    • why can’t I be normal for a change?

Notes

  • more work on the datapack in Minecraft
    • can I just say how much I hate the way all sandstone blocks are designed to appear completely the same on top and bottom and any colored blocks have a way of looking horrendously out of place in the desert?
      • it almost makes me want to create a new resource pack – almost
    • while I’ve put figuring out function files on hold for now, I did get my custom plains village and plains zombie village refined
      • I believe I have it where I want it for this pack
    • I’ve also come up with other ideas for future packs, such as returning to old projects and reviving them as datapacks if possible
      • such as my Endonia project
  • I will say that I greatly appreciate the fact that Golden Knight does make a point to text me every morning
    • why this matters so much to me I will never know, but it does
      • sometimes I wish it didn’t matter so much because it has become such a big part of my daily routine that if it doesn’t happen for whatever reason, my day crumbles and I hate that

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