Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-11

The state of Maine is starting to have confirmed cases of the coronavirus. Our school district as of yet hasn’t closed the schools, but did cancel all extracurricular activities by the end of the week. Little Bear is attending a different school district and I haven’t heard anything from them yet. Panic buying is happening here too.

I feel myself compartmentalizing this, which I’m sure is setting my dad off. There is nothing I can do about that when it’s my only defense against external extremes. I know I did the same thing when my nephew died but my siblings respected it while our parents went to Canada to visit the family. But I’m not going to claim and carry his fear. I can’t. I can honor and respect it, but it’s not mine to carry.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally:


Sunday ~ March 08, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 1 cups of coffee
  • tea
  • fruit, veggies, cheese, crackers
  • Chicken Alfredo

Today’s Feelings

  • woke up calm

Notes

  • fell asleep last night doing Reiki on myself, I should try to make a point to do that more often on myself before sleeping since it seems to have really made a difference not just in how well I slept, but how I felt with the clarity of mind when I woke up
    • I wish I could say the same of Little Bear’s mood this morning
  • today I take the 2nd degree Reiki class
    • I feel mostly calm, as though this is part of my purpose
    • I feel only slightly worried about how my parents will react seeming how they never seem to approve or support anything I do
  • when I got the attunement for the the 2nd degree, I felt very much at peace and deeply aligned with my purpose
    • no idea how this is part of my purpose yet, but I’m at peace knowing I’m on my path
  • when I got home, everything was chill with my family which was a relief
  • when Golden Knight came to visit, things erupted slightly
    • not sure why I felt a sudden surge of urgency but I did and for whatever reason he picked up that it was all stemming from my fears generated from the marriage I had and when he asked me about it point blank, I burst into tears because I knew it was true
      • I knew that I am afraid of going back to that place again
      • I know that’s why on my end I was being so toxic when we first started dating this time around because I felt like I was being pushed back into that place and I never want to go back there
      • and I told him that it didn’t matter what style of relationship we have, I need to feel celebrated and not kept in some secret closet in order to feel secure
        • after 8 years of living like that with my ex-husband who never wanted me and lived a bunch of lies and secret lives… there is no way for me to live like that ever again on any level without being triggered by that
          • I can’t do it and be okay with it – I just can’t
            • I’d rather the world know that I am in an open relationship and face whatever judgement people wish to throw at me than to live in a secret life no one fucking knows about, that no one knows where I exist, where I am invisible and suffocating in the shadows
              • I want to walk in the light
              • I want to be able to celebrate normal things as they arise like normal people do rather than be forced to only whisper about them at best if I’m lucky
    • Golden Knight and I went out to eat to talk about all this
      • he told me that he has been thinking about changing his Facebook status
        • at the time I thought this was strange and sudden since up to this point he has been very adamant about not doing it because it would make him feel locked down
          • still not exactly sure what is making him reconsider the issue

Monday ~ March 09, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 5am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • PM meds forgotten

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • leftover Alfredo

Today’s Feelings

  • anxious

Notes

  • Golden Knight and I continued the conversation from yesterday
    • for the first time ever since I have known him, he told me that I was worth fighting for
    • we also figured out we both have very different definitions for “the one”
      • him: “the one” = marriage
      • me: “the one” = my person
        • hence why we’ve both been freaking out, because I couldn’t understand why the word marriage was coming up so often between us
          • me: “marriage” = being someone’s property
            • a wound I know I need to heal
        • so we talked about this, and he told me that I am his person
    • I also talked about the hurt-rescue cycle, the feeling of being trapped, what it feels like being in the closet, why I never got to reset during the short two months we weren’t together, etc.
      • he apologized for doing all this to me
      • I explained this is why I still struggle and have fear
      • told him how I’m so tired of chasing carrots that don’t exist and going to bat for people that aren’t even on the field or on my team
      • said that I honestly would rather be alone than go back into that closet ever again, it hurts that much (hell, to be honest it damn near killed me)
        • I’m not willing to risk going back to that place just for the chance of maybe experiencing the one thing I’ve always wanted: to feel celebrated and significant in someone’s life
          • I have never had that in my life, ever – not even as a kid
          • it’s one thing to put your best effort into a relationship and for it to not work out, to grow/evolve apart BUT it’s completely another thing to get involved in something toxic and damaging
            • I’m okay with the idea if at some point we decide like the first time we were together that this isn’t for us and it’s in a healthy and friendly way
              • it’s okay, safe, and GOOD to set someone free because they are growing in a different direction than you
            • I’m not okay with the idea of us becoming toxic and destructive to each other in any way
  • I still need to do my personal full moon reading
  • I continued to work on my datapack project

Tuesday ~ March 10, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 4am – 4 hours total
napped 3:30pm to 5:30pm – 2 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • leftover pizza

Today’s Feelings

  • agitated and restless most of the day

Notes

  • Little Bear’s eye appointment
    • turns out, he’s near sighted too and needs glasses
  • Therapy Tuesday
    • discussed in length about what does being and feeling celebrated look like since I have no idea
      • still don’t really, BUT I do know now what it doesn’t look like
        • I know it isn’t giving someone the bare minimum
          • which… I know I have been guilty of doing myself in the past
          • the bare minimum is “relationship life support”
          • I am tired of being on “life support” in just about all of my relationship
  • Golden Knight was too tired to spend time with me tonight, even online, and informed me that due to the sale going on at work this week that it will be this way all week
    • and while I do understand this, I’m tired of being expected to be the more understanding and patient one when even when there aren’t any sales going on, he doesn’t have time and energy for me
      • he got upset that I was upset and it took a bit to work things out
      • I told him that while I want more than just scraps of burnt pie, it doesn’t mean he isn’t allowed to say no
        • I just need to feel safe enough to express my feelings
        • and one of the things that sucks is that I always do what he wants because in the past when I don’t he got mean about it
          • he always gets the best slice of my pie to avoid his wrath
          • so today, again, he told me to stop doing that unless it’s something I really want to do too and to call him out on it whenever he gets mean about it
    • so I offered a distance healing to help him with his sleep since he’s been complaining about not getting good sleep and not enough sleep so often lately
      • he gladly accepted and called it a night with me at 8pm

Wednesday ~ March 11, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • leftover Chicken Alfredo

Today’s Feelings

  • restless most of the day

Notes

  • Golden Knight didn’t message me this morning until 6:30am and that’s when I found out that he was up until 11pm, which made me question if my healing was of any good
    • I can’t help but worry about so many things around this
      • I realize with sleep it’s more about quality and not quantity
      • I also realize that I am still learning
    • I also didn’t feel connected to him this morning
      • I don’t know how much of this was because of residual energy from our conversation last night or because of something else
  • Little Bear’s OT appointment today
    • so much driving involved now
      • 30mins to drive to go pick him up
      • 1 hour to take him to the hospital
      • 1 hour to wait while he’s in there
      • 30mins to get home
    • it completely wipes me out
  • tonight when he got out of work, Golden Knight took the time to clear up a misunderstanding I had
    • he made it clear to me that he doesn’t want to stay in an open relationship forever either
      • on one hand this makes me feel better
      • on the other hand, it makes me wonder why an open relationship is even needed at all

Thursday ~ March 12, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 3 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed – forgot to fill the med box
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 11pm
  • 0.5mg Ativan @ 11pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • hard cider

Today’s Feelings

  • content
  • fucked in the head by evening

Notes

  • Personal Reading for the Full Moon (finally got around to it)
  • and somehow tonight, I’m pretty sure that I upset Golden Knight somehow while chatting with him before bed, but I’m not exactly sure how
    • I know he was pretty tired, so I’m hoping that’s all it was and that I hadn’t done something or said something really bad
      • I don’t know… pretty sure sleep isn’t happening tonight either way

Friday ~ March 13, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 6am – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • Chicken BBQ Nachos

Today’s Feelings

  • woke up muddled

Notes

  • Golden Knight cleared up things will me from last night this morning
  • no scho
  • worked on the custom default village datapack in Minecraft today while chilling to a wide mix of music
  • had the distinct pleasure of going out to dinner and shopping with Golden Knight this evening
    • and of course Dad felt the need to harp on me about the dangers of the coronavirus after I got home, implying I shouldn’t go anywhere
      • he backed off once I pointed out to him that as long as the schools remained open any one of the kiddos could bring it into his house and make him sick
        • so tired of living in this vortex of negativity and paranoia that is this house – it’s non-stop

Saturday ~ March 14, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 8am – 10 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • frustrated

Notes

  • Tuxedo Cat’s unifed basketball tournament games today were cancelled due to precautions regarding the coronavirus
  • still working on the datapack – now on the snowy biome village
  • Golden Knight and I had a mild fight over messenger today
    • tried to express my fears surrounding feeling like I’m stuck in the closet and he asked me if this was some ploy to get him to change his Facebook status
      • this after I had told him what I had discussed with my therapist regarding that and making the decision that if it was changed that he needs to be the one to do it and I be the one to confirm it so that I would know with certainty it is something he truly wants and that I don’t want him doing it unless it IS something he wants to do because I’m tired of him throwing it in my face how last time he only changed it because I wanted it when it was me that changed it and he confirmed it
        • so yeah, I feel really bad about that all around on many levels
    • so him asking me this cut me deep because I’m not one for playing bullshit games with anyone
      • I am one to make ultimatums and make demands, as much as I hate to admit that, but never any fucking games
        • I just don’t have the patience for that
    • the closet thing deals with way more than just a status change on Facebook
      • it boils down to me feeling like I am just an option to him
        • we went from sex every day to maybe once a week if I’m lucky
        • we went from flirting and hitting on each other all the time to me being the only one making all the moves
        • I’m the one chasing and pursuing him and he’s not chasing and pursuing me back
          • I don’t feel like I am attractive to him anymore
          • I don’t feel like I am desired by him anymore
          • I don’t feel wanted
        • yes, we talk daily but it’s all online
          • I get to see him once a week when he’s supposed to be visiting our son and sometimes if I’m really lucky, I get to see him an extra day that week
        • I feel like I’m doing all the work and effort just to keep this relationship on life support
          • I don’t want to be begging for the basics of a relationship here when I shouldn’t need to, not even in an open one
            • in fact, an open relationship requires even more work and effort in order for it to be successful
              • the distress I feel around all of this goes beyond words
                • if I didn’t think he was worth it, I wouldn’t bother with all of the hassle
                  • seriously, I question myself on this one often because it’s triggering as fuck
      • NONE OF THIS IS EVER A GOOD SIGN IN A RELATIONSHIP
        • and no, just because he is still with me doesn’t mean that he still wants me – I learned this lesson the hard way with my ex-husband
          • and how much of these fears and concerns I have regarding what I see stems from my PTSD? I have no idea, but I’m tired of them being brushed off and the issue not being actually addressed
      • I want to be in a relationship with reciprocated effort and energy
        • acknowledge and value my existence in your life
          • allow me to do the same for you
        • celebrate me in your life
          • allow me to do the same for you
        • nurture and support my authentic self
          • allow me to do the same for you
        • mutually meet needs
        • I want a relationship to be happy about and that’s brag worthy
          • yeah, I know that’s mostly the ego talking and I own it
            • I’m tired of waiting for my turn to be happy
            • I’m tired of pretending everything is fine when it isn’t
            • and I am done with relationships that suck so bad that I’m ashamed to talk about them with my friends and loved ones
    • and I fear that if I start seeing anyone else and start having sex with other people, problems are going to arise despite what he says
      • his energy alone when he says that tells me that he already has an issue with it
      • how much am I projecting I don’t know, but there is always friction present in his tone and rigidity in his body language whenever he tells me in person that he doesn’t care if I have sex with someone else
        • and I admit it, I wish he did care
    • I also don’t like the fear that I’m just here to be someone’s personal vending machine to cater to their needs
  • to be fair, Golden Knight chatted with me this evening about all of this and did his best to alleviate my worries
    • I don’t know why all of this is flaring up so bad, but it’s driving me nuts
    • I’m tired of feeling on edge all of the time
    • I know I need to relax more and I want to

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