Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-12

We’re doing okay with the social isolating. To be honest, it’s nothing really new for us given how we live out in the boonies without much of a social circle to start with. The changes we’ve had to make was switching to homeschool – which gee, now my parents are forced to see that I can in fact homeschool Little Bear if I chose to do so – and cancelling all in-person appointments.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ March 15, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 5am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • large fountain soda Dr. Pepper
  • baked fish, asparagus, salad, raspberries with whipped topping

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • worked on the datapack some more this morning
  • spent the afternoon and evening with Golden Knight
    • went to see Bloodshot in an empty theater
    • paid my storage unit rent
    • went grocery shopping
    • had dinner with the boys at home
    • finished watching the documentary “Heal” on Netflix
    • then finally, had meaningful sexy time together
  • I honestly wish we had more days like this together more often

Monday ~ March 16, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 10:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 10:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 10:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • spaghetti with Alfredo sausage sauce and fresh fruit

Today’s Feelings

  • woke up in good spirits

Notes

  • Little Bear was agitated and distressed while half awake this morning and it took me using Reiki on him to get him to calm down and fall back to sleep
    • nothing else I said or did worked until I asked him if it was okay to use Reiki, and he said yes and settled right down
      • never seen him do that so fast before after a night terror
  • work on datapack project
  • Golden Knight came over for dinner
    • things were nice

Tuesday ~ March 17, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • fucked

Notes

  • tried to talk to Golden Knight about the balance between us in our relationship
    • triggered in large part due to talk about the future
      • he came across angry and dismissive instead of supportive and understanding or even patient with me, which triggered a deep sense of instability and insecurity within me
        • I don’t know, maybe I should have let shit go but it dredged up everything that has been left unmet and had me looking at everything that continued to remain imbalanced
          • tried talking to him off and on about it which led to him calling me by the end of the day and he left me completely wrecked and sobbing in tears
            • he just kept saying over and over how much he hated being made to feel guilty and selfish and how he liked the way things are
              • I didn’t think I was asking for anything major and I’m tired of everything I need and want to be happy is somehow a crisis for him
                • healthy relationships exist on the middle ground
                  • and he’s trying to tell me that there isn’t one here

Wednesday ~ March 18, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 3 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 7am, up at 11am – 4 hours total
napped – 2pm to 7pm – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 10mg Propranolol @ 3am
  • 0.5 Ativan @ 3am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 2pm
  • 0.5 Ativan @ 2pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ginger tea
  • coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • dead

Notes

  • first thing this morning Golden Knight didn’t want to talk about it, claiming that the two day break I gave him on this topic prior wasn’t space because he didn’t ask for the space and therefore he didn’t know I was going to bring it back up
    • I know that I told him that as long as this remained unresolved that it was going to continue to come back up
  • later he tells me he needs a break, not the whole day, but at least part of the day to clear his head so he can come back to this to be rational and fair
    • at least I’m not being stonewalled or given the silent treatment
      • admittedly, I worry that when he does finally talk to me that it will be somehow worse than last night – minus the yelling
  • woke up from my nap to find a message from him at 5pm asking if he can come over for a bit and now I’m left waiting for a response
    • knowing my luck, it’s too late at this point
      • I may need to come to terms with the fact that things will always remain imbalanced between us and if that is the case, I then need decide if I can be honestly okay with that
        • so far I haven’t been, which means I need to come to terms with the idea of moving on if a balance cannot be found
          • he can say whatever he wants to say, but he has never been happy with me giving less – that has never gone well
            • suddenly I’m being hateful or I’m hard to talk to
            • I start hearing speeches about how I need to be nicer
              • the way he comes across so often to me it is clear that he doesn’t see how it is in fact a two way street
  • he shocked the fuck out of me tonight
    • he stopped by the house to change his Facebook status in front of me
      • explaining that this was something that he has been thinking about for awhile now and that he understood where I’ve been coming from regarding wanting to celebrate the things that make me happy the same way everyone else does on my friend list as they arise like a normal person and he felt bad that he has contributed to my feeling unable to share my joy with those I feel that matter in my life and just be like everyone else and live a normal life

Thursday ~ March 19, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • cheeseburgers on buns

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • Dad flipped his shit on me because he saw one of my posts on Facebook talking about food storage while growing up and now he’s convinced he will be targeted by looters even though my post is set only to be seen my family members…
    • even Mom had tried to start in on me with this until I asked her if she really thought any of our family members were really going to rob us
      • between them trying to censor and control my blog that as far as I know they never read and now this… I’m about ready to unfriend and block them over there
        • the paranoia and broken logic is seriously getting out of hand
          • all that said, I set the post in question to private and removed all tags from it
  • still working on the datapack
    • mostly refining the streets and decor at this point
  • Golden Knight came over for dinner and we had a pleasant night together

Friday ~ March 20, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1A ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total
napped 1pm to 5pm – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 8am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 1pm
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 6pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 2 cups ginger tea
  • 1 cups chai
  • Philly cheesesteak Hamburger Helper

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • no idea what’s with Dad’s obsession with my fridge and pantry today

Saturday ~ March 21, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: forgot to document

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • missed PM meds somehow

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • leftover hamburger helper
  • plain rice cakes

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • worked on my datapack project until Little Bear said he wanted to start his own so I started showing him how they work and the next thing I know… I was building his fortress village pack
  • Little Bear came up with the build design and now I’m just putting it together for him, so hopefully soon he’ll be able to play with it on a map
  • here you see all the street pieces done that will be randomly selected and put together when the game generates a village
  • now I need to build the meeting points and houses with the same design as the streets to keep the fortress feel
  • I haven’t decided yet if the meeting points and houses should be the same height or if they need to be taller – I’m sort of leaning towards a taller build to create the castle feel
  • Little Bear also wants everything enclosed to protect the villagers, but I’m not sure how exactly to ensure that given how everything is selected at random and then placed procedurally when a village is generated
    • I’m almost thinking that I will need to make each piece completely enclosed
  • honestly, I wish I could get him to have the patience to read and type what little bit of coding is involved with this
  • maybe this project deserves its own post?

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