Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-14

Overview


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: 03/31/2020 (26 days)

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ March 29, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 9am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 10:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 10:30am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 10:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • tacos with parents

Today’s Feelings

  • ambivalent

Notes

  • worked on Little Bear’s Minecraft datapack
  • Tuxedo Cat didn’t want to do anything online with Golden Knight since he wasn’t available until 8pm, which our son felt was pretty late and had gone to bed at that point – he was actually grumpy and pretty rude about it
    • I don’t know why Golden Knight has become so lax about this regarding visitation with our son, I remember how I used to post on here while still married bragging how involved he was and how he would visit like clockwork and now he doesn’t do that at all – like not even close
      • he’s all over the place with it and Tuxedo Cat isn’t responding well to it at all – at least our son agreed to do something online with him tomorrow
  • once Tuxedo Cat turned him down, Golden Knight and I watched Altered Carbon together via Netflix Party
    • sometimes I wonder in retrospect if he has become inconsistent with Tuxedo Cat like this so he can spend time with me on Sundays and still keep the rest of his week free for other things
      • it’s just a reoccurring worry that I have because I don’t like feeling like I am taking my son’s visitation time away from him
        • I don’t like feeling like I have to compete with my own child for someone’s time, attention, and energy
          • and it’s because of stuff like this that I get why my cousin, Light Flower, says I deserve better

Monday ~ March 30, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 9:30am – 9.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • forgot meds entirely

Meals

  • bottomless cup of tea all day
    • like more so than my coffee
  • baked fried chicken, white rice, pineapple

Today’s Feelings

  • stressed

Notes

  • today was Little Bear’s first day of live online school
    • 8:30am to 2pm Monday through Friday
      • I think this is bullshit when there are parents that need to work from home – how are we supposed to sit with them in front of a webcam the entire time and still get our own shit done?
      • I have never had an online college class work like this and I have protested this
    • we were late logging in and came in to screaming and chaos, but by mid-day things settled down
      • Little Bear enjoyed the entire process even though it stressed me out right to the max
  • Golden Knight called us at the planned time to play online games with Tuxedo Cat and sadly we discovered those games we just got to play for him to play require Xbox Live Gold
    • I will be able to get Tuxedo Cat this when child support comes in next month, but Golden Knight will need to figure this out on his own
    • Tuxedo Cat was frustrated and stressed out by it all, but he did at least talk with Golden Knight over the phone
    • we did try to get him to watch a movie over Netflix Party, but we wasn’t having it tonight
      • so Golden Knight and I finished watching Season 2 of Altered Carbon instead

Tuesday ~ March 31, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • mildly anxious

Notes

  • today Tuxedo Cat participated in his first day of his school’s live class feed that started this week
    • it’s just two hours a day, but I’m hoping that it will give him a sense of routine and structure
    • he’s expressed distress about not getting school work done due to being distracted
    • he’s had a few outbursts lately that has me concerned
  • our state governor has issued a Stay At Home order
    • it comes into effect April 2nd
    • the has triggered my PTSD shit hard

Wednesday ~ April 01, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 3 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: forgot to document

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • cake and ice cream

Today’s Feelings

  • stressed and anxious to the point of near shutdown

Notes

  • online school is going well for the boys
  • Golden Knight decided to have a little birthday party before the Stay At Home order came into effect and wasn’t going to invite me despite the promise he made last month
    • he claimed that he assumed that I wouldn’t come
    • I don’t think he realizes that he does this kind of thing to me often
    • not sure why he felt the need to bring up his friend and how because of Little Bear I am no longer welcome to their get togethers
      • my cousin, Light Flower, upon hearing all this asked me why the fuck I am with him and begging for a seat at his table at all when I deserve better – if he loved me, I would be just offered a seat without having to beg for it

Thursday ~ April 02, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: forgot to document

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • just coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • a fucking wreck

Notes

  • I don’t know why I bother to arrange my schedule for Golden Knight and block out time for him when all he does is drive by and make it clear other people have priority for one reason or another while expecting me to be available on call for him – he made it clear that he feels this way when he called me during my telepsych appointment earlier this week
  • then later today he wanted to meet up with me at the store and got upset with me when I tried to address this and insisted that he won’t get upset with me if I pulled back and wasn’t available like he used to in the past
  • he also blew me away when he said to me in the car that he has the confidence that if I were to find someone else to have sex with that I would come back to him, so he isn’t worried and I just blurted out that maybe he should be
    • I reminded him that the sole reason that I even suggested the open relationship was because I didn’t want to be trapped and wanted the freedom to find someone else if my needs weren’t being met and he said, “yeah”
      • so I said, “logically, all emotions aside, why would I come back to someone who isn’t meeting my needs if I find someone who is willing and able to meet them?”
        • I was met with stunned silence
      • I didn’t come into this open relationship to have some kind of fucking buffet and I keep telling him I don’t want to be in this forever
      • so I told him in the car point blank that this open relationship thing is not what I expected it to be and it is not emotionally fulfilling
        • I’m tired of being given just the barest minimum
        • I’m tired of defending my needs
        • I’m tired of excuses
        • I’m tired of fucking burnt pie
        • and I know for a fact if I treated him the way he treats me right now that he would be pissed
          • if I matched his investment and energy, he would accuse me of being selfish and hateful
            • I know this because he has already done so in the recent past
            • he repeatedly claims his behavior isn’t an issue
  • BUT he promised me today in the store that he won’t punish me if I am not on call for him 24/7
  • he promised me today that he will start doing better
    • we’ll see if he’s telling the truth
    • people do what it is their hearts truly desire – period
      • whether they realize it or not
        • their subconscious programming demands it
        • so if your subconscious programming has faulty and limiting beliefs, then yes… you will self-sabotage because somewhere in there it is what you desire until you reprogram yourself
          • this is true even for me

Friday ~ April 03, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 8am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

Notes

  • first thing this morning, we lost power
    • so I missed his good morning text and I’ll be lucky if I get to chat with him at all during any of his breaks
      • and if his behavioral trend holds like it has been in the past, he’ll be distracted as fuck when he chats with me tonight when he gets out of work tonight too
      • hell, the last time he called me I had to fucking sit there and listen to him talk to other people he was in the room with
        • fucking rude as hell – why the fuck bother calling me?
          • “yeah, let me call you so I can ignore your ass”
            • next time he does that, I’m hanging up – fuck that
              • not going to sit there and listen to him talk to other people
  • Resident Evil 3 finally came out today, so I focused on that
    • the game is fun, but not as good as RE2
      • felt the same way as the originals to be honest

Saturday ~ April 04, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am, up at 10am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 10am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 10am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 10am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • 2 cheeseburgers

Today’s Feelings

  • stressed

Notes

  • worked on Little Bear’s datapack
    • he wanted his savanna village to be a treehouse style type thing, but when I tested it, I quickly discovered that the game uses by default the plains village terminators – which Little Bear has stylized to look like castle pieces
      • I don’t know how to get around that at this point in time
  • the state of Maine issued out this clarifying document regarding the Stay At Home order that came into effect on the 2nd of this month
    • on page 16, it clearly states that parents with split custody need to continue to honor and observe visitation orders – as in person (still not sure how you’re supposed to do that with a kid and still observe social distancing like they are instructing in that paragraph)
      • I bring this up to Dad with the intent on figuring out how to honor the law while keeping everyone safe and he immediately flips his shit on me
        • accuses me and Golden Knight of not being much for parents for even considering this
        • accuses me and Golden Knight for being fucking stupid for even considering this
        • doesn’t want Golden Knight in his house because he doesn’t want to die and that’s why he doesn’t let my brother over here right now
          • but doesn’t stop Mom from working at Walmart even though he claims they don’t need the money
          • he claims Golden Knight has been exposed to “god knows what” but hasn’t even stopped to consider how many people have gotten sick at Walmart since this started
          • to be fair, all of his fear here is valid
        • what isn’t okay? him threatening to kick me out if I intend to follow the law and let Golden Knight see his son outside the house
          • because supposedly, I’m just using this as an excuse to see him
      • and every time I calmly asked him why he was being antagonistic, insulting, and threatening about something I brought up for discussion he turned to gaslighting
        • I’m tired of him telling me he didn’t do what he just did

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