Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-16

The strain of this week has just eaten away at me.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ April 12, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 2 ~ Anxiety: 3 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep:

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • pretty sure they got forgotten

Meals

  • fucked if I know, coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • stressed right the fuck out

Notes

  •  still no power – outages everywhere statewide
    • news says there is another storm coming in tomorrow and to expect more outages as a result from it
  • I’ve at least started writing fiction again – when people leave me alone long enough so I can

Monday ~ April 13, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 2 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep:

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds forgotten
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • agitated as fuck most of the day

Notes

  • power back on at 4:30pm
  • while power was out, started a new writing project only to remember how far behind I am on scheduling posts for the blog once the power came back on
    • not doing it for Camp NaNo, just would like to get back into writing fiction and I would like to work on getting better with the Lester Dent formula
  • got to watch Spencer Confidential with Golden Knight via Netflix Party this evening and it was nice and comforting to be able to chat with him again
  • need to also finish Golden Knight’s birthday reading and get my personal full moon reading done
    • so behind on everything right now

Tuesday ~ April 14, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 8am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 9am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 9am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • crackers

Today’s Feelings

  • down

Notes

  • worked on blog 10:30pm last night to 3am this morning
    • scheduling Exploring Setting posts
    • damn I need to get this shit done already
  • found out ex-husband claimed Little Bear in taxes for last year without me signing the waiver paperwork so it screws me on the stimulus check completely
    • Golden Knight says there is a way to report that to IRS so I need to figure out how to do that because if I don’t he is going to keep doing it when legally he can’t without my signature
      • I’m tired of people fucking me over
  • worked on blog 9am to 3pm
    • finished scheduling the cups suit for the Exploring Setting posts
    • started scheduling the wands suit for the Exploring Setting posts
  • found out through my sister, Piggie, that since Dad signed paperwork with DHHS stating that I pay rent here and establishes us as separate households, I legally have tenant status so he can’t legally kick me out without an eviction notice, which I can contest through court and they won’t let him do that if his only argument is I am trying to honor the court order visitation right now, which has been legally stated must still be honored by both DHHS and by Pine Tree Legal
  • Therapy Tuesday
  • Golden Knight cancelled our movie plans for tonight, but he at least face timed with me – he was seriously bummed that the car dealership for some reason wants him to come back to work for detailing after having laid him off for only 2 weeks
    • neither one of us can see how they could possibly be busy enough for that or how they could they possibly expect people to rush to buy cars with their stimulus checks next week?
  • worked on blog 10:30pm to 11pm

Wednesday ~ April 15, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 2

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 8am – 9 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 8:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8:30am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 8:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 3 cups herbal tea
  • 3 slices of pizza

Today’s Feelings

  • peaked

Notes

  • ended up buying Malware Bytes for my PC since it kept randomly shutting off on me – 3 times this morning in one hour
    • cleaned up a few things for me and hasn’t done it since so hopefully the problem has been resolved
    • when I got home from the very stressful grocery shopping trip, Mom’s PC was acting up too – she had gone to work and no one was using it but her printer decided out of no where to start spooling paper
      • Dad was pissed and I can’t help but feel like the router itself has been targeted and maybe I need to check the boys’ PCs too just to be safe
    • didn’t solve the problem – PC was good all day after that until 8pm when I opened the Chrome browser and restored the tabs I had on it and it crashed again – I can only assume it was something on one of those pages since when I restarted the PC and reopened the browser without restoring the tabs, the problem didn’t reoccur
      • three tabs opened in YouTube – looking in the Computer Management Panel however showed many errors with Audacity, a program I wasn’t running so I have no idea what was going on
  • at least I got the boys to get some cleaning done and we had Scholar Owl’s birthday dinner today
  • the school district sent out a notice saying that schools will be remote learning for the remainder of this school year
    • disappointed but not surprised

Thursday ~ April 16, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1A ~ Joint Pain: 2

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 5am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 9am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 3 cups of tea
  • pretzels and red vines

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • worked on blog 5:30am to 9:30am
    • finished scheduling wands suit for Exploring Setting posts
  • spoke with case manager on phone today
    • requested to be put on housing waiting list
      • yeah, we won’t be able to move until the Covid-19 crisis is over but at least we’re on the damn list now
      • she also told me emergency shelters are still available if it comes to that
        • I don’t think it will, but it’s good to know just the same
          • I’m done playing this bullshit game
            • you can’t threaten to kick people out of the house for trying to follow a law
              • I will do what I can to keep the peace, but not if it means being policed even tighter – this is bullshit
  • worked on Golden Knight’s birthday reading 11am to 7pm
  • watched first 2 episodes of Witcher on Netflix party with Golden Knight

Friday ~ April 17, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 3 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 5am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 0.5mg Ativan @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • 1.5 slice of leftover pizza

Today’s Feelings

  • calm this morning
  • quickly tanked by late morning

Notes

  • finished Golden Knight birthday reading 5am to 6am
  • started personal full moon reading – insanely late and behind, I know
  • got a phone called from ex-husband
    • spiraled out emotionally
  • Little Bear’s IEP meeting
  • Golden Knight was unavailable for emotional support all day
    • led to a fight at end of day
      • supposedly this is all my fault
        • fine, I should have sucked it up and kept to myself
        • I should be accepting of the fact that he is never available when I need him emotionally, even when he is standing right next to me
          • I am being unfair when I say this despite the fact that this pattern of his has yet to ever change
      • I did learn one thing though…
        • he believes that I am always available to him
          • he takes this for granted and claims he wouldn’t care if I wasn’t available all the time…
            • but at the same time he said I was me rude during the time I wasn’t after we broke up when I asked about that?
              • I call bullshit on that
                • who was it that called me during my therapy appointment and expected me to address his concerns during that to the point I had to end the appointment early?
                  • no wonder he assumes I’m always available and no wonder he takes it for granted
                    • but he gets angry with me if express disappointment or hurt when he cancels on me because it makes him feel guilty?!
                      • not sorry, you made me wait around for you for three hours before you cancelled so YES, I do have the right to be hurt and disappointed
                        • nothing will change that
                          • I am not an option or backup plan

Saturday ~ April 18, 2020

Daily Draw

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 5am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 3 cups of tea
  • pretzels and leftover pizza

Today’s Feelings

  • fucked, drained, and exhausted

Notes

  • you watch… he won’t bother contacting me at all today, or if he does he will either expect me to sweep this all under the rug like nothing happened OR he will expect me to be the one to apologize for everything
    • I am tired of apologizing for feeling hurt about being treated like an option or some kind of just in case plan
    • “You made me feel like shit today, because what you said about your ex-husband made me feel guilty, so no I’m not offering you any kind of emotional support,” or some such thing all day yesterday
      • what the fuck is that?
    • that and, “This isn’t trying to repair, this is fighting.” no, I have been trying to fix it but everything I have said has only continued to set you off for whatever reason
      • I don’t know why, but it felt like no matter what I said or did, he was gunning for a fight and I felt set up and trapped into it
      • even in trying to say good night and I love you last night felt like a set up and I got accused of fighting with him there too
      • I was just fucked yesterday no matter what I said or did
      • everything I said resulted in me being accused of an attack
    • so I went to bed, waiting to die and hoping I wouldn’t wake up in the morning
      • I woke up – and I have no means of repairing any of this
        • I’m just fucked
        • completely and utterly fucked
        • nothing matters
  • Golden Knight completely shocked me and messaged me at 11am
    • he held space for me and we worked through it
    • he even understood where I was coming from
  • spent the rest of the day with zero contact from him until this evening when he sent a good night text at 9pm

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