Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-18

Stay at home order isn’t getting any easier to deal with while living with my parents.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: 04/28/2020 (28  days)

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ April 26, 2020

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 10am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 10am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 10am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups tea
  • MSG free chicken ramen
  • sausage and crackers

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • ran a quick test and the tarot deck I just scanned in last night runs well on the programs I need it to
    • this now gives me a total of 12 tarot decks to work with
  • remembered to set up my med box for the week since not doing it last week messed me up all week long with remembering to take meds
  • Tuxedo Cat and Golden Knight played chess online
    • need to find a way for our son to be able to face time him while they play
  • Golden Knight and I finished watching season 2 of Witcher afterwards

Monday ~ April 27, 2020

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 5am – 6 hours total
napped 12pm to 4pm – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • ? cups of tea

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • 5am to 12pm – worked on blog
    • scheduled Chaos Rally #18
    • scheduled Chaos Rally #19
  • 4pm to 5pm – worked on blog
    • started scheduling Self-Care with Tarot series
  • started watching Fullmetal Alchemist with Golden Knight
    • it’s one of my all time favorite animes and I’m glad he gave it a chance and likes it so far

Tuesday ~ April 28, 2020

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 8am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 10am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 10am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 10am

Meals

  • 1 cups of tea
  • honestly don’t know what else at this point

Today’s Feelings

  • out of sorts

Notes

  • missed Golden Knights morning text, so I didn’t get to chat with him this morning
    • I seriously miss having real, meaningful, deep conversation
      • it’s all small talk right now – usually about the show we’re watching
  • forgot to document the rest of the day due to problems with computer

Wednesday ~ April 29, 2020

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: forgot to document

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM Meds missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • ? cups of tea

Today’s Feelings

Notes

  • forgot to document the day, but I will say that Golden Knight made a point last night to spend the evening with me just face timing and talking – it was really nice
    • I’m not coping well anymore with the stay home order
      • some restrictions are being lifted on the 1st of May – not many – but from the way my dad talks, he has no intentions of letting me enjoy any of it

Thursday ~ April 30, 2020

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 2

Hours of Sleep: forgot to document

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? coffee
  • ? tea
  • bowl of homemade beef soup

Today’s Feelings

  • stressed right the fuck out

Notes

  • my pc is acting like it’s trying to die, it’s telling me Windows 10 needs to update but it keeps failing to update that
    • I need a computer right now, no getting around that – period
  • got some grocery shopping done today
    • killed my back and shoulder in the process
      • can’t wait for the day when I can bring someone with me to help me with the lifting again
        • pisses me off that my parents go together every week now when they used to go once a month and now I have to justify to them my shopping every other week
  • the state of Maine is opening the state parks that have hiking trails and fishing and Dad is trying to convince me that I shouldn’t take the boys to any of those parks
    • he backed off when I reminded him of the fishing
    • yeah… we can go “hiking” on his property, but not fishing
    • and he’s not happy that this idea is coming from the med clinic staff
    • he’s also suddenly trying to push the idea on me that I should continue to just do web cam appointments with them from now on even after this is all over and I reminded him that it’s nice to be able to get out of the house
      • I know I’m not imagining all this, I know he is trying to completely isolate me for whatever reason – it has gotten to the point that the staff has picked up on it and they’re now telling me he can’t legally do this and that I need to start planning to move out
        • on average, my family has 2 appointments a week with these people
        • you can’t run your mouth like that, even in another room, and expect to not be overheard
          • I’m wondering if this is why as of late my parents have begun to ramp up their questioning about who is calling me and why because it’s seldom personal calls that I get – just the schools, the hospitals, and the clinics
            • I need to get the fuck away from here and the policing and paranoia
              • so tired of constantly hearing how unsafe and untrustworthy and awful the world and everyone is
                • tired of being subhuman
  • watched Shawshank Redemption for the first time with Golden Knight
    • was a really good movie
  • I am beyond capacity for this stay home shit
    • not the lack of social, because well… it’s really no different than what my life has been since my marriage but because of my parents and their need to control everything
    • and it’s going to be a long, exhausting battle to regain what little bit of privacy and independence I had as this shit lifts
      • I shouldn’t need to fight this fight

Friday ~ May 01, 2020

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 5am – 5 hours total
bed at 6pm, up at 11pm – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 11pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 11pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • pretzels

Today’s Feelings

  • dispirited

Notes

  • worked on blog all day
  • princess weekend – like every weekend now
    • apparently this now means Golden Knight doesn’t have time to even chat like he used to
    • also found out my sister has been running online D&D games every weekend, which I haven’t been invited to
      • haven’t been invited to those since getting married
      • Golden Knight doesn’t understand the family taboo of asking to join or how it’s the same as inviting yourself
        • he mentioned that it’s hard breaking into a new social circle but this isn’t a new one – it’s an old one that left you behind
  • I wish I had other people to talk to and chill with besides just Golden Knight
    • the radio silence is killing me
    • my cousin, Light Flower, does talk to me but she is very busy too and so it isn’t very often
  • boys were up all night
    • just all kinds of bullshit

Saturday ~ May 02, 2020

Mood: -1.5 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am, up at 8am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 9am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 9am

Meals

  • 1 cups of coffee
  • 1 cups of tea
  • pretzels

Today’s Feelings

  • ostracized and empty

Notes

  • worked on blog
  • Piggy expressed concern for the safety and well-being of me and the boys
    • she made a point to remind me of Dad’s history
      • I haven’t forgotten and yes, he is escalating
        • it always begins with violating boundaries
          • particularly with privacy and control
            • using fear and paranoia
      • it’s never going to end – it just keeps cycling
        • always has, always will
    • she is urging me to move out sooner rather than later
    • she is urging me to hold and protect my boundaries and legal rights
  • Light Flower expressed

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