It’s been kind of a long, messed up week. At least towards the end of it my mood lifted a bit for some reason. I don’t really know why, but I’m going to run with it for now.
Mood Score Key:
Sliding Hypomania = 1 ~ Hypomania = 2 ~ Mania = 3 ~ Baseline (My Normal) = 0
Sliding Depression = -1 ~ Depression = -2 ~ Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State
Energy Score Key:
Low = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ High = 1
Irritation Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Anxiety Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Migraine Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h
Joint Pain Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T
Sleep Quality Score Key:
Bad = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ Great = 1
Special Notes for the Week
Menses Start Date: ~
Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~
Sunday ~ May 31, 2020
Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am, up at 11am – 7 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- AM meds forgotten
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups of tea
- 2 cheeseburgers on wheat
- cookie sundae and fries
Today’s Feelings
- stressed and a bit sad
Notes
- the news about the riots is still getting to me, making it hard to focus on anything else – just grateful that Dad hasn’t been running his mouth about it
- still trying to work on the blog and get all the renders done for the remain Chaos Rally posts for the year
- spent the evening with Golden Knight after he played chess online with Tuxedo Cat
- Tuxedo Cat got his first checkmate against him after catching a mistake Golden Knight made, but then the very next game missed another mistake Golden Knight made – so Tuxedo Cat still has a lot to learn
Monday ~ June 01, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 1h ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total
napped 1pm to 6pm – 5 hours
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 9am
- 20mg Propranolol @ 9am
- 1 multivitamin @ 9am
- 600mg Ibuprofen @ 1pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups of tea
- Cotto salami and cheese on wheat
- string cheese x4
- 1 can of diced mangoes
Today’s Feelings
- calm – I guess? or maybe numb is a better word for this?
Notes
- decided to take a break from the social media feeds today and just focus on my work and family
- worked on the blog
- still doing renders for the remaining Chaos Rally posts
Tuesday ~ June 02, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
woke up with my jaw tightly clenched this morning
napped 1pm to 2pm – 1 hour total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups of tea
- MSG free ramen noodles
Today’s Feelings
- I don’t know
Notes
- still working on the renders for the Chaos Rally posts
- I don’t know why I feel so urgently like I should have these done already and on to some other project by now, but I do
- I do feel like I should be working on something else right now
- AH-HA! I figured out what was eating up the memory so bad in the Miku Miku Moving program and slowing everything down: the tarot deck asset itself
- while it is nice to have in the images, it’s not critical to have so I’m removing it – tired of it taking forever to render
- was able to uncheck the “save memory” option once I removed the deck asset, which for whatever reason now makes render much faster
- Therapy Tuesday
- after some in-depth discussion, we agreed that adding shifting my attachment style from fearful-avoidant to secure as a goal to my treatment plan is a worthwhile endeavor
- I personally feel that I am at a point where this is possible and doing so will improve all my relationships – especially with my boys, not just my romantic relationship
- and it’s important to note that this is inner work and becoming secure and emotionally stable within the self – I know it’s a bit more complex than that but I don’t know exactly how else to explain it
- after some in-depth discussion, we agreed that adding shifting my attachment style from fearful-avoidant to secure as a goal to my treatment plan is a worthwhile endeavor
Wednesday ~ June 03, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 8am – 8 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 10am
- 20mg Propranolol @ 10am
- 1 multivitamin @ 10am
- PM meds forgotten
Meals
- ? cups of tea
- poutine with ground beef
- chocolate pie
Today’s Feelings
- I don’t know
Notes
- witnessed my dad threatening to pop my mother in the mouth after she said she was sorry for not thinking to cancel his doctor’s appointment when they called to confirm her appointment
- this was not more than 5 minutes after Mom was telling me that if I didn’t like it, I could just move out when I complained to her about Dad not making my brother wear a mask after she told me that he couldn’t babysit their kids because my brother’s wife works at such a “high risk” place now that the dining room is back open for business and Dad is afraid of dying BUT he’s telling everyone on the phone the reason he isn’t babysitting is because it would mean he would have to let a certain someone else in the house
- and of course this conversation went down the rabbit hole of how neither one of them have the legal right to breach my privacy and how it doesn’t equate to me taking over the house
- they don’t need to know who is calling me
- they don’t need to know anything about my mail
- they don’t need to know what I’m doing the moment I step off their property – hell most of the time they still don’t need to know
- but god forbid if I ever tag Dad in anything on Facebook for anything because it violates his privacy
- it was a fucking meme I thought he would like
- but god forbid if I ever tag Dad in anything on Facebook for anything because it violates his privacy
- and of course this conversation went down the rabbit hole of how neither one of them have the legal right to breach my privacy and how it doesn’t equate to me taking over the house
- this was not more than 5 minutes after Mom was telling me that if I didn’t like it, I could just move out when I complained to her about Dad not making my brother wear a mask after she told me that he couldn’t babysit their kids because my brother’s wife works at such a “high risk” place now that the dining room is back open for business and Dad is afraid of dying BUT he’s telling everyone on the phone the reason he isn’t babysitting is because it would mean he would have to let a certain someone else in the house
- went to dinner and out shopping with Golden Knight
- I finally decided to buy a smart TV
- and for some reason I brought up my feelings about being in an open relationship again – not sure why
- surprisingly though this time he wasn’t nasty about it and actually listened to what I had to say
- on one hand I’m happy that he is finally listening
- on the other hand, it sucks that everything that I’ve been saying and asking for in regards to my needs hasn’t changed in the last three years and I’ve had to advocate hard with him for them
- once again I hear the “fence” speech from him and once again he wants me to wait “just a little bit longer” for him
- I don’t think he realizes just how often I heard this type of thing from my ex-husband
- I am tired of “maybe, someday, eventually”
- and so far in my life, none of it ever comes true but I’m expected to keep waiting
- even now, Dad has been signalling that the house won’t be mine but I know that sure as shit if I get ready to move he will change his tune again
- I’m tired of banking on the “maybe, someday, eventually” only to end up let down at best or seriously hurt at worst
- and of course there were justifications for why he wants to stay in an open relationship
- it boils down to not wanting the pressure to meet my needs
- I know this is straight out of the Avoidant Attachment Style playbook
- and like I told him, nothing has changed in getting my needs met other than him actually listening to what I have to say
- he doesn’t yet really understand what I mean and why I’m distressed when I say we only have sex when he wants to
- he goes straight into the topic of consent, which I do agree with him on
- but for the last three years, sex has been entirely on centered around his time table, availability, energy levels, interest levels, etc.
- he at least acknowledges that in the past that this need, and my other needs, have been reduced to power struggles
- I’m grateful for this at least
- and I understand his fear about power struggles returning, but I also know this stems from the heart of having an Avoidant Attachment Style
- just as I know the urge to flee in response to threat/danger or rejection along with the urge to cling in response to the fear of abandonment, not being good enough, or being forgotten, stems from the heart of having a Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style
- he doesn’t yet really understand what I mean and why I’m distressed when I say we only have sex when he wants to
- I need to be someone’s One And Only
- someone that “names and claims” me as theirs
- someone that fights for me
- someone that choose me every time, every day
- someone that sees a future worth building with me
- someone that openly and comfortably communicates all of that in a way that I clearly understand
- it boils down to not wanting the pressure to meet my needs
- surprisingly though this time he wasn’t nasty about it and actually listened to what I had to say
Thursday ~ June 04, 2020
Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 4am – 6 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups of tea
- MSG free ramen noodle
- 1 can of diced mangoes
Today’s Feelings
- wrecked, empty, exhausted, resentment, dead
Notes
- right out the gate, as soon as I got out of bed, Little Bear had to pitch a fit while playing Secret of Mana and broke the cable for the PS4 controller
- he immediately started crying about it
- and of course, first thing this morning when Golden Knight texted me it was like last night’s conversation never happened
- like I had never ripped myself wide open, raw, and vulnerable
- didn’t bawl my eyes out at the gas station parking lot in front of him
- he wanted to know if I was going to play World War Z with him and Little Bear tonight like none of this happened
- tired of feeling like I’m not allowed to withdraw or have space
- even if this is his way of repairing, this isn’t repairing anything for me
- I’m still feeling incredibly wrecked and vulnerable from last night
- tired of being the one to always give shit up
- if it really was all about me, I would be getting what I need
- every time
- without debate
- without argument
- and what sucks in saying all this is I feel anger, shame, guilt, and resentment around all of it
- and… of course I just dumped all of this in one great big wall of text in his messenger
- not helpful
- he’s busy and unavailable today until at least around 7pm so I just set myself up for a huge ball of anxiety until then
- not cool
- going to be an unproductive day now, might as well just quit at this point
- and… of course I just dumped all of this in one great big wall of text in his messenger
- I’m still feeling incredibly wrecked and vulnerable from last night
- spent the night playing Minecraft Dungeons with Tuxedo Cat
- used the Xbox points card I got for Mother’s Day to get it
- turns out the game is pretty chill with a quasi Diablo sort of feel
- dunno why, it just really hit the spot for me
Friday ~ June 05, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 7am – 7 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups of tea
- 2 cups of coffee
- 2 pkgs. MSG free ramen noodles
- bacon double cheeseburger with lettuce and tomato on a bun, fries
Today’s Feelings
- uplifted
Notes
- Tuxedo Cat’s last day of school
- blew today off and spent it playing Minecraft Dungeons until it was time for my date with Golden Knight
- the evening with Golden Knight went well
- spent the night after that working on the renders for the Chaos Rally posts
- I do need to start writing up these posts soon, one is due next Friday
- honestly, I have no idea why I felt so uplifted and calm today
Saturday ~ June 06, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am, up at 11am – 7 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- AM meds missed
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups of tea
- pancakes and sausage
- pretzels
Today’s Feelings
- content
Notes
- spent the day today playing Minecraft Dungeons
- spent the evening working on renders
- came to the realization that the reason I feel better at this point is because I was able to express myself truly, clearly, and directly to Golden Knight about a couple of things that were very important to me and while at the time, I felt horribly vulnerable, I also felt seen and heard
- somehow at this point whatever he decides to do with that doesn’t matter, the path before me is already unfolding
- this is my path – it’s up to him whether he walks next to me or not
- aside from that, nothing else changes
- this is my path – it’s up to him whether he walks next to me or not
- somehow at this point whatever he decides to do with that doesn’t matter, the path before me is already unfolding