Slight emotional hiccup towards the end of the week, but I’m happy to say that not only was I able to pull out of my spiral relatively quickly compared to the past, I was also able to discuss it and brainstorm calmly with my partner afterwards. It feels good to know I’m able to put the coping skills I’ve been learning into practical use and to see my partner support this. Other than that, this week has been pretty tame.
The only thing I think I need to step up with is remembering to take my meds every time. I know a big culprit in that is our daily routine has been changed so much thanks to this Covid-19 thing, but I feel like I should be doing better on staying on top of it. I think my ability to cope and self-regulate would be stronger if I was on top of it.
Mood Score Key:
Sliding Hypomania = 1 ~ Hypomania = 2 ~ Mania = 3 ~ Baseline (My Normal) = 0
Sliding Depression = -1 ~ Depression = -2 ~ Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State
Energy Score Key:
Low = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ High = 1
Irritation Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Anxiety Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Migraine Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h
Joint Pain Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T
Sleep Quality Score Key:
Bad = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ Great = 1
Special Notes for the Week
Menses Start Date: ~
Weigh-In at Med Clinic: 152lbs. (weighed at home)
last recorded weighed: 10/11/2019 @ 155lbs.
Sunday ~ June 21, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 10:30am – 7.5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- AM meds missed
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- hot black tea
- pretzels
- bacon cheeseburger with lettuce and tomato on bun with fries
- ice cream
Today’s Feelings
- content
Notes
- Dad finally let us put the AC in
- spent the evening with Golden Knight and the boys
Monday ~ June 22, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 7am – 6 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups of hot black tea
- pretzels
Today’s Feelings
- content
Notes
- worked on blog
- got two more Chaos Rally posts scheduled
- spent the rest of the day playing Minecraft Dungeons
- when Golden Knight finally messaged me this evening, he was also in the middle of texting a friend
- I felt like I couldn’t ask him to hang out in person
- I did ask him if he wanted me to let him go so he could focus on his friend
- the split conversation lasted two hours and it bothered me
- the conversation I was trying to have with him was highly personal, emotionally involved, and deeply vulnerable
- but he insisted that I stay and keep talking
- before he left, he promised that tomorrow night I would have him all to myself
- the conversation I was trying to have with him was highly personal, emotionally involved, and deeply vulnerable
Tuesday ~ June 23, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: forgot to document
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- AM meds missed
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups of hot black tea
- pretzels
- 2 fudge rounds
- tacquitos
Today’s Feelings
- zoned out
Notes
- found out I could play a mobile Final Fantasy game on my tablet
- originally downloaded it for Little Bear, but ended up spending the day playing it myself too
- Therapy Tuesday
- talked in length trying to figure out why it feels icky for me to compete for time and attention – like why does that bother me?
- is this an ego thing, or a wounded child issue, or what exactly?
- why do I feel like I need permission to even walk away from it?
- Golden Knight came over for dinner and watched a few more episodes of Fullmetal Alchemist
- and even though he had promised the night before to focus only on me in conversation, I couldn’t bring myself to talk about anything
- mostly I guess because he complained so much about how tired he was and how little time he had
- so I didn’t want to impose and I was worried that if I did I would be rejected
- mostly I guess because he complained so much about how tired he was and how little time he had
- and even though he had promised the night before to focus only on me in conversation, I couldn’t bring myself to talk about anything
Wednesday ~ June 24, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 9am – 6 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- AM meds missed
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups black tea
- popcorn
- pretzels
- 2 tuna on buns
Today’s Feelings
- quiet
Notes
- worked on blog 11:30am to 6pm
- scheduled Chaos Rally posts x2
- Little Bear’s OT
- played Minecraft Dungeons with Little Bear
- also have been working on a new datapack in Minecraft since I lost the one I was working on when I did the clean install
- this morning Golden Knight assured me that even if he’s tired, he still wants to hear whatever it is I have to say
Thursday ~ June 25, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 7:30am – 4.5 hours total
woke up to Little Bear screaming at a video game
Sleep Quality: -1
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 1 multivitamin @ 9am
- 75mg Topamax @ 9am
- 20mg Propranolol @ 9am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups of black tea
- forgot to document anything I ate
Today’s Feelings
- grumpy
Notes
- scheduled one chaos rally post and then spent the day playing video games with Little Bear
- was bummed out this evening to find out that Golden Knight not only didn’t want sexy time with me, but didn’t even want to spent time with me in person
- he just wanted to play online video games with me tonight, which for one if I had known he wanted to do that, I wouldn’t have burnt myself out on that by doing that all day with Little Bear
- instead we just talked for the evening via messenger and I tried to keep most of my emotional processing to myself
Friday ~ June 26, 2020
Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total
back to bed at 1pm, up at 5pm – 4 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups black tea
- 2 tuna on a bun
Today’s Feelings
- wrecked
Notes
- spiraled out from last night’s conversation with Golden Knight
- it’s times like these that I feel not just broken, but like I am toxic
- seriously, I find myself questioning my behavior and intentions
- like… wtf am I doing, and why?
- is what I’m doing helping or harming the situation?
- am I thinking things through or am I being reactionary?
- seriously, I find myself questioning my behavior and intentions
- I’m glad at least we worked it out and agreed on a few things regarding the importance of acknowledging each other and compromising on meeting needs
- two things we talked about and agreed on:
- a need for a weekly date night
- a need for “me time”
- yes, it was brought up in context of himself but as we were discussing it, but I’ve realized this is something I’ve been neglecting for myself too
- this is something we need to start actively supporting and doing for each other rather than just in word alone
- yes, it was brought up in context of himself but as we were discussing it, but I’ve realized this is something I’ve been neglecting for myself too
- two things we talked about and agreed on:
- it’s times like these that I feel not just broken, but like I am toxic
- spent a good part of the time when I wasn’t napping tinkering with my new datapack project, which of course caught Little Bear’s interest
Saturday ~ June 27, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 10am – 7 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- AM meds missed
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups black tea
- 2 homemade sub sandwiches on buns with corn chips
Today’s Feelings
- content and solid
Notes
- had a good and comforting conversation with Golden Knight this morning
- spent the day with the boys
- a shopping trip buying Little Bear a new pair of shoes and picking out a belated Father’s Day gift and an early birthday gift
- also played a 3 hour Monopoly game with Tuxedo Cat on the Xbox
