For the most part, it’s been a good week. My only wish is I could get my oldest son to hang out with us and do stuff with us more, but I suppose this is to be expected of a teenager. At least, this is what I keep telling myself.
Mood Score Key:
Sliding Hypomania = 1 ~ Hypomania = 2 ~ Mania = 3 ~ Baseline (My Normal) = 0
Sliding Depression = -1 ~ Depression = -2 ~ Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State
Energy Score Key:
Low = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ High = 1
Irritation Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Anxiety Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Migraine Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h
Joint Pain Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T
Sleep Quality Score Key:
Bad = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ Great = 1
Special Notes for the Week
Menses Start Date: ~
Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~
Sunday ~ June 28, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 4:30am, up at 10:30am – 6 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- AM meds missed
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups black tea
- 3 cheeseburgers and 1 sausage on buns
Today’s Feelings
- content
Notes
- looking forward to my first dedicated date night with Golden Knight
- enjoyed a nice BBQ with the family
- played Monopoly with Tuxedo Cat and Golden Knight on the Xbox
- and our date night was nice
Monday ~ June 29, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 11am, up at 5am – 6 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups of black tea
- ordered Mexican take out
Today’s Feelings
- content
Notes
- worked on the Endonian datapack on Minecraft all day
- Golden Knight came over for dinner and hung out for conversation after
- he informed me of his plans to spend July 4th with his friend that hates me
Tuesday ~ June 30, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- AM meds missed
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups of black tea
- 2 roast beef sandwiches
Today’s Feelings
- calm in the AM
- sad and disquiet in the PM
Notes
- after a great deal of thought, I let Golden Knight know that I need to be able to spend family holidays together if what he says about seeing us as family is true
- he offered a compromise in that he would spend part of the day with his friend and come back to spend the rest of the day with us
- I find this to be a good compromise and I can live with that
- he offered a compromise in that he would spend part of the day with his friend and come back to spend the rest of the day with us
- Therapy Tuesday
- my therapist assured me that I handled what happened last year appropriately so whatever they are still upset about is their baggage to carry, not mine
- she also told me that I handled making my needs known regarding family holidays without demanding he give up his friends well also
- she said it is important to allow him to decide whether or not he is going to meet the need while also having a backup plan in place
- that under no circumstances am I to do what I did with my ex-husband, which was just sitting around, on call for him, and waiting for him to meet those needs while allowing it to ruin my life
- so if Golden Knight is not willing or able to meet the requested need, then I’m to make other plans and enjoy myself as much as possible
- to be clear, she isn’t advocating cheating on anyone here
- what she is advocating is that I don’t allow myself to be placed in a closet as anyone’s option
- if what I need is companionship, for example, then I can just as easily hang out with a friend or family member and still have a splendid time without him
- so if Golden Knight is not willing or able to meet the requested need, then I’m to make other plans and enjoy myself as much as possible
- that under no circumstances am I to do what I did with my ex-husband, which was just sitting around, on call for him, and waiting for him to meet those needs while allowing it to ruin my life
- she said it is important to allow him to decide whether or not he is going to meet the need while also having a backup plan in place
- Golden Knight came over for dinner, informed me that the friend that hates me claims I never took responsibility for Little Bear’s behavior at last year’s July 4th party, and so Golden Knight asked to read the apology I had sent over Facebook messenger for himself (again)
- he had to tell me a lot of what his friend and her husband had to say and tried to make excuses and explain their behavior
- none of it made me feel better and only made me cry more
- I also find it interesting that Golden Knight always wants to read my messages for himself but never lets me see his messages so I can see for myself what was actually said
- none of it made me feel better and only made me cry more
- he had to tell me a lot of what his friend and her husband had to say and tried to make excuses and explain their behavior
Wednesday ~ July 01, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 1 multivitamin @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups of black tea
- 2 chicken burgers on white bread
Today’s Feelings
- numb
Notes
- fuck today
- after he dumped all that shit on me last night about his friend – knowing he would be spending today as his alone time – what little bit he did speak to me, he didn’t even act like last night happened at all
- worked on the blog
- 7am to 4pm
- 4:30pm to 7:30pm
- relaunched the daily draw – only this time it’s formatted as a writing prompt with a focus on gratitude
- scheduled for all of July
- relaunched the daily draw – only this time it’s formatted as a writing prompt with a focus on gratitude
Thursday ~ July 02, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- AM meds missed (somehow?)
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups of black tea
- failed to document what I ate
Today’s Feelings
- content
Notes
- played Resident Evil with Little Bear all day
- watched one episode of Fullmetal Alchemist with Golden Knight this evening
Friday ~ July 03, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 4:30am, up at 12:30pm – 8 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- AM meds missed
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- 1 large coke
- 1 chili cheese dog with fries
Today’s Feelings
- content
Notes
- more Resident Evil today
- date night with Golden Knight
Saturday ~ July 04, 2020
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- AM meds missed
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 1 cups of coffee
- 2 cups of Gatorade
- family BBQ
- steak tips, pork rib tips, macaroni salad
- I cooked a bunch of other stuff too like burgers, hot dogs, and sausage but didn’t have room for it
Today’s Feelings
- content
Notes
- spent the day working on the family BBQ
- most of the day was pretty chill
- the only time I felt stressed was when the food wasn’t ready on time
- like, when is the food ever ready exactly on time?
- we then watched the new Sonic movie with the boys
- I enjoyed it – Jim Carry as Dr. Robotnik was worth seeing