Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-39

This week felt long and busy for some reason. Mostly focused on remote learning. Really wishing I had time to spare for other things. Like laundry needs to be caught up on and I would love to be working on any one of my own projects. It’s just once school is done with for the day, I’m wiped out completely. I hate it.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: 09/22/2020 (42 days)


Sunday ~ September 20, 2020

Mood: 2 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • ? cups of soda
  • pizza, chips, and candy

Today’s Feelings

  • a little stressed, but overall good

Notes

  • had the birthday party for my two youngest sons
    • just immediate family, my brother’s family (because my parents), Golden Knight and his daughter and his parents (because he wanted them there)
      • honestly, I wanted it smaller than that, but the party isn’t about me, it’s about the boys
        • so tired of the birthday parties lately that focus entirely upon what the adults want and not on what their kid actually needs or wants
          • my biggest pet peeve? seeing people come just for the food and leaving as soon as they can after that
            • they don’t actually come to spend quality time with the kid the party’s for and I hate that
              • makes me feel like birthday parties have become nothing more than these big pots of greed
                • “Hey, look how much shit my kid got!”
                  • that’s not love…
    • it went well
      • I’m grateful everyone respected the fact that neither of these two boys wanted anyone to sing the Happy Birthday song
        • gotten in the habit of reminding them every year AND asking the boys just before lighting the candles
          • the answer is the same every year
    • started playing the game Prey after watching my brother play it

Monday ~ September 21, 2020

Mood: 2 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 2 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am, up at 8am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • ? cups of soda
  • pretzels, chips & dip, and candy

Today’s Feelings

  • annoyed as fuck

Notes

  • Little Bear had a rough morning in terms of staying awake during class
  • after class, Golden Knight came over and it took me awhile to pull myself out of my own grumpy ass mood
    • it felt like I had just got to sit down to do my own thing after school when he showed up – not his fault since plans were made the day before for him to come over to watch Real Steel with Tuxedo Cat
    • it’s just for whatever reason remote learning has me on edge the entire time it’s going – my therapist calls it “being on” the entire time
      • all I know is that I’m worn out and tapped out by the time it’s done

Tuesday ~ September 22, 2020

Mood: 2 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 2 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 1

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • ? cups of soda
  • pizza, pretzels, and candy

Today’s Feelings

  • beyond agitated

Notes

  • couldn’t get Little Bear out of bed this morning and found myself hitting “fuck it mode” pretty quick so we skipped school today
    • which would have been fine if he hadn’t gotten up after lunch in a foul ass mood and screamed at every game he played today
      • except Slime Rancher – he didn’t scream at that
        • I wish he had stuck with that and kept running around making his little pet slimes happy
    • I shouldn’t have, but I did and I’m not sure why, but I turned off the curfew for his PC for the night – told him he had to be quiet and he must stay awake for school the next day
      • instead of playing on his PC, he asked to play on Xbox – kicking me off Prey

Wednesday ~ September 23, 2020

Mood: 2 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 2

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • candy
  • a can of hominy

Today’s Feelings

  • woke up cold and grumpy

Notes

  • woke up with my left shoulder feeling tight, wrenched, and sore – no idea what I did to it in my sleep or if I did something to it yesterday and I’m only feeling it now
    • I also regret opening the window last night before passing out while waiting for Little Bear to fall asleep
      • I had fallen asleep with no blanket on so I woke up feeling like a brick of ice
      • takes me forever to warm back up, which never improves my mood
        • hour and a half later I’m still a bit cold and all my joints ache like hell
          • I feel like an evil bear at this point
          • I don’t feel like there is enough coffee on the planet to save me or my mood today
  • Little Bear did well with his school’s therapist today
  • Little Bear did okay with OT today
  • Golden Knight came over and we checked out the game Prey together

Thursday ~ September 24, 2020

Mood: 2 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am, up at 9am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • candy and pretzels
  • MSG free chicken ramen

Today’s Feelings

  • agitated

Notes

  • Little Bear had somewhat of a rough day today
  • Little Bear’s IEP meeting
    • I felt heard by the district director about my concerns regarding the length of the day on the computer daily
      • later when I was telling my dad about this, for the first time ever he was trying to justify it when anytime before I talked about it he had agreed with me that the screen time expectations was ridiculous and too much
        • my thoughts on the sudden switch to his stance is he may be worried that I will send him back to in-person school if I believe all the screen time is bad for him when I won’t
          • I think he forgets I’m still leaning heavily in favor of homeschooling this kid, which would be in alignment of protecting himself from Covid-19
            • there is no conflict of interest here
    • thankfully, they determined that not only he is still eligible for an IEP, but he also still qualifies for the placement he currently has
  • Golden Knight came over this evening and watched the ending to Prey, but after that didn’t seem interested in watching me play any games
    • his initial request was to watch Lucifer with me but Little Bear was still awake and he seemed upset with that but said he understood why I felt it was inappropriate for him to watch it
    • we watched Avatar instead
    • I don’t know… it just rubbed me all the wrong way tonight
      • it has been feeling lately like he’s only been coming over to eat and do his own thing and not really do anything with me
        • and yes, I am aware that I told him that he can come over for dinner
          • but if that’s what he’s doing then he should say so – the indirect shit drives me insane
            • don’t tell me you’ve already eaten and you’re all set but as soon as I’ve cooked for the boys and start serving them you want in and start eating too when I cooked based on a head count – it’s fucking rude and makes me feel like I’m in a bind because now I feel like I don’t have enough prepared
            • it’s not rude of you to say yes if I ask you if you’d like to join us for dinner and it’s not putting us out or putting us in a bind either when I ask
            • I ask because I am doing a head count for my food preparation
              • and while you have the free agency to change your mind after the food has been prepared, just know that it fucks up the count
                • and this is why I think it’s rude
      • and I’ve been tired as fuck and tapped out nine ways to hell after school is out to the point that I’ve even said something to him about it that it might be best to curb our evenings during the week
      • we had a conversation earlier this month and again this week where he insisted that we have had sex more recently than the 24th of August when according to my calendar… we haven’t
        • this was triggered by my late period
        • and no, I don’t keep track of that just for the sake of being petty
          • I can still get pregnant, so I keep track of that right along with my periods and ovulation windows – why wouldn’t I?
            • but sure… keep trying to tell me different
            • but like I told him, ever since school started both of us have been too busy and too tired for anything else
              • I fucking know I have been
  • and maybe I’m just too grumpy as I write all this

Friday ~ September 25, 2020

Mood: 2 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 2

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 9am – 9 hours total
slept off and on most of the day after the meeting since school was over by then

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 9:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 9:30am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 9:30am
  • PM meds missed

Meals

  • ? cups of tea
  • pretzels and candy

Today’s Feelings

  • pensive and bitchy feeling for some reason
    • my guess is I’m not sleeping right

Notes

  • slightly rough start this morning with school but thankfully Little Bear quickly turned it around
  • I feel mostly aimless today
  • I’m also feeling unbelievably empty and drained by the time this afternoon came around and find myself wishing I could just lay down and rest
    • why does my body need to ache the way it does?
    • what is my soul longs to do right now?
    • why can’t my mind find peace?
    • why is it no activity provides comfort?
    • what the fuck am I hungry for?

Saturday ~ September 26, 2020

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 7pm, up at 6am – 11 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • PM meds missed

Meals

  • 3 cups of black tea
  • 2 12oz. cans mango Pepsi
  • 3 slices of pizza

Today’s Feelings

Notes

  • don’t know why I felt compelled to do so but… I crafted 3D assets of the Reiki symbols that have been placed upon me for my 3D avatar
    • it’s something I keep seeing in my head and I somehow feel it will connect me better to what I do
    • I mean, I do feel like I get better tarot readings when I draw the symbols first so I see no harm in drawing these symbols on my avatar as well and just keeping them set invisible so as to not be distracting unless they are relevant to the post
      • kind of like a watermark of sorts
  • worked on crafting chakra globes in Blender once I was finished with the Reiki symbols – why? I’m not sure yet

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