Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-40

Feels like it’s been another incredibly long week. Just tired to the core and hoping that something gives and lets up here soon.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ September 27, 2020

Mood: 1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1h ~ Joint Pain: 2

Hours of Sleep: bed at 6pm, up at 1am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 8pm
  • PM meds missed

Meals

  • 2 cups of black tea
  • homemade bean and cheese burrito

Today’s Feelings

  • physically uncomfortable

Notes

  • 3:30am to 7:30am worked on blog
    • written and scheduled Chaos Rally #41
    • written and scheduled Chaos Rally #42
    • written and scheduled Chaos Rally #43
  • really need to make an appointment with the OMT again
  • watched a Koren (I think?) animation on Netflix called “The Haunted House: The Secret of the Ghost Ball”
    • somewhat reminds me of Yokai Watch – seems to be aimed at the same audience cohort too
    • it’s quirky and like Yokai Watch, I wish it had more depth
  • Golden Knight came over and we watched Spiderman: Homecoming with Tuxedo Cat
    • we spent the rest of the evening talking about the logistics of remote learning, the possibility of homeschooling Little Bear, his new job, and of course politics
      • he wants to watch the coming presidential debate live but I’m not sure I have the spoons for that to watch it with him

Monday ~ September 28, 2020

Mood: 1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • steak and succotash

Today’s Feelings

  • agitated

Notes

  • 7am to 7pm – worked on blog
    • written and scheduled Chaos Rally #44
    • written and posted personal full moon reading
  • Little Bear had a rough day with school today and sadly, I had a low frustration tolerance to deal with it
    • it wasn’t too terrible, but it could have gone way better

Tuesday ~ September 29, 2020

Mood: 1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 2 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 8am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 10:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 10:30am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 10:30am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 6pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 9pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 9pm

Meals

  • 1 cups of coffee
  • 3 cups of black tea
  • Velveeta Chicken Alfredo

Today’s Feelings

  • aggravation during remote learning
  • significantly more relaxed the rest of the day

Notes

  • this bullshit around getting Little Bear up in the morning and to cooperate with remote learning is really making me feel like a toxic parent – I hate it to the point of tears
  • I put a fan in our window this morning since the humidity here is beyond insane
    • while I understand why Dad took out the AC, I wish he hadn’t
  • Therapy Tuesday
    • therapist completely understood my concerns and frustrations with remote learning
      • but mostly with the fact that the staff aren’t making sure Little Bear is mastering these skills before moving on and then fail to understand why they are seeing these protest behaviors
        • then when they try to discipline these behaviors away, it escalates out of control
          • this kid is in the fourth grade now with barely first grade reading skills and are having him diagraming sentences in Moby Max AND he doesn’t have his multiplication tables memorized and are having him working on fractions in Moby Max without understanding the steps involved
            • we are literally walking him through the steps all day, every day here with this shit
            • sure, the answers are right, but is this really learning?
      • and their idea of inclusion and socialization for him right now is making him sit in front of the camera and do things like watch the class play musical chairs
        • he’s not even in charge of the music while they play the game
        • even my dad thought that was some serious bullshit and more isolating than for him to be asked to log out for the day to go play outside
      • I call bullshit on all of this
      • the more involved I become in the classroom, the more I am reminded of the shit I went through as a kid and the more appalled I am of what is really going on with special education for my sons
        • I don’t want to believe that every school is like this but… based on what I’m hearing from fellow parents, it’s certainly the majority
  • Golden Knight reminded me today that he trusts my judgement and supports whatever decision I make and that based on what they’re doing with Little Bear that maybe homeschooling would be the better option at this point
    • I’m tired of fighting
      • tired of fighting with my son over stuff he clearly isn’t ready to do
      • tired of fighting with the staff for his basic education
      • tired of feeling like I’m a toxic parent for fighting over shit that shouldn’t even need to be fought over
    • I’m beginning to wonder if this really is God’s way of telling me that this is my calling – that I am meant to be a stay home parent teaching my children at home
      • not even remotely close to what I had in mind for myself when I graduated high school – funny how life works out like that
      • I will say that I’m tired of struggling for what feels like barely half an inch of forward movement each day if I’m lucky right now
        • deep down I feel in my bones that I should not feel this fucking buried 24/7 the way I do
        • and I’m tired of feeling like I’m all alone in this all the time, stuck doing everything by myself
          • the mental load alone is insane
  • the bright points of today were that I got to watch Trolls: World Tour with Little Bear and Tuxedo Cat, I found the Harvard spoon I had bought my grandmother while I was living in the Boston area while sorting through them this afternoon and was allowed to keep it, and Golden Knight and I were able to have some quality personal time for the first time ever since school started
    • finding the spoon triggered tears for my grandmother’s passing for the first time ever even though she passed away back in February
      • at least my sister, Piggie, and my dad understood
      • it took finding the spoon and remembering the story around it to finally release the wall around how I felt
      • I don’t think my mom will ever understand that emotionally dissociating isn’t really strength – it’s actually dysfunction

Wednesday ~ September 30, 2020

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6:30am – 6.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7:30am

Meals

  • 1 cups of black tea

Today’s Feelings

Notes


Thursday ~ October 01, 2020

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep:

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

Meals

Today’s Feelings

Notes


Friday ~ October 02, 2020

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep:

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

Meals

Today’s Feelings

Notes

  • Golden Knight took me out to eat at the Olive Garden after a long day with Little Bear
    • the school finally agreed to stop requiring camera compliance so long as he gets the work done
    • Golden Knight ended up spending the night for the first time since… I don’t know… since we got back together in December I think

Saturday ~ October 03, 2020

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 8:30am – 7.5 hours total
napped 10am to 4:30pm 6.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ate last night’s leftovers
  • black tea
  • candy

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • spent most of the day sleeping – not sure why I’m feeling so wiped out today

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.