Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2020-45

I would like to say I didn’t care about the election results, but the truth is I watched the live count way more this time around than I ever have in my entire life. It’s to the point I wish I could blame my inability to focus entirely on that, but even then I know it’s not completely true. At this point, my hope is that, whatever the results, we shift away from extremes and find the middle ground this country needs.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ November 01, 2020

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: forgot to document

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • ? cups black tea
  • forgot to document what I ate

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • fairly quiet day most of the day
  • Golden Knight came over to watch movies with the boys while I launched into writing for NaNoWriMo
  • Word Count: 1673

Monday ~ November 02, 2020

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: forgot to document

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • ? cups of black tea
  • forgot to document what I ate on the day of, but pretty sure I was eating the leftover beef brisket from the family Halloween party

Today’s Feelings

  • I don’t know

Notes

  • NaNoWriMo Word Count: 1945
  • in the morning Golden Knight and I had a mild argument
    • I tried to express how I felt about a running joke of his
    • he blew up saying I was taking it too personally
    • I called him out, telling him I don’t actually have a voice in this relationship if I can’t safely express my feelings about anything
    • also called him out about how exhausting it is to co-regulate him every time I express my feelings
    • also pointed out that viewing just me expressing my feelings (not even making a request, just stating how something makes me feel) as an attack or punishment is him taking it personally
    • and finally I stated that when I’m talking about my feelings, I don’t care what other people think or what they’re doing because they’re not me and they’re not in this relationship
    • I never got the chance to explain that him joking around as though he’s bragging about his sexual prowess and whatnot makes me feel as though he’s not taking the long-standing issue we’ve having seriously
      • this wasn’t some one off random joke
      • yes, his counter argument was that he’s been joking like this since before we got together BUT while some things are okay while single, they’re not cool while in a relationship
      • and as long as I am sexually dissatisfied, this line of clowning around will remain a thorn in my side
        • no, the joke didn’t pertain to me
        • the joke did make it clear my feelings weren’t considered at all
          • don’t joke around about being such a stud, still getting laid, being some kind of pimp, or making hoes a priority
            • especially when you know your partner is sexually unhappy
    • I honestly don’t know if he will ever fully understand why this line of joking around makes me feel icky the way it does, but I did manage to get him to understand why him blowing up on me just for stating how I felt upset me even more than the joke ever did
      • I don’t deserve to be an emotional punching bag
      • this cycle needs to end and I’m already doing everything I can on my end
      • he needs to either re-evaluate his motives for being in a relationship with me, or start putting in the actual work on his end
    • after 16 years of therapy to learn how to be a healthy partner in a relationship, I have come to realize that I’m. Not. The. Problem.
      • the only thing I’m doing wrong on my end is trying to make shit work with people that don’t want to do their end of it instead of walking the fuck away
      • these people keep asking for another chance and don’t understand there comes a point where real, lasting, and tangible results need to be seen
        • it’s up to me to decide where to draw that line
          • that’s what boundaries are for
        • same is true for anyone else in a boat like mine
          • decide on a line, set the boundary, and just hold it
        • those that are honestly worthy of you will honor your boundaries

Tuesday ~ November 03, 2020

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed around 4am, up around 10am – I think – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • meds forgotten entirely

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • ? cups of black tea
  • chicken salad sandwich

Today’s Feelings

  • strained most of the day

Notes

  • NaNoWriMo Word Count: 3054
  • popped my left hip back in place only to frig up my right hip – pretty sure my spine needs a realignment too
  • took Scholar Owl with me to vote – it was his first time ever
  • spent the evening writing while Golden Knight watched the election votes be counted live – given how high strung he was over it, I regret letting him come over for that
    • got so bad he got nasty with me when I tried to comfort him and I really should have asked him to go home at that point
    • even though he apologized to me, it killed all motivation to write for the rest of the night – I just emotionally shut down

Wednesday ~ November 04, 2020

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am, up at 10am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed

Meals

  • ? cups black tea
  • ? cups of coffee
  • sloppy joes

Today’s Feelings

  • distracted

Notes

  • NaNoWriMo Word Count: 665
  • I feel guilty about being so far behind on scheduling blog posts right now
    • I haven’t even finished my birthday reading
    • a part of me feels like I should be writing personal posts too
      • I just hate how the way I emotionally process things all too often comes out like a rant even though I’m problem-solving and coming up with actionable solutions as I go
  • finished writing and scheduled Chaos Rally #45 for this Friday
  • got the blower motor in my car replaced – finally
    • Golden Knight was kind enough to put it in for me

Thursday ~ November 05, 2020

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 9am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • meds forgotten

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • beef stroganoff

Today’s Feelings

  • unproductive

Notes

  • NaNoWriMo Word Count: 259
  • spent most of the day working on outline for next short story for this month’s writing project
  • got 1.5 loads of laundry done
  • watched “What Happened to Monday” on Netflix with Golden Knight and I thought it was intriguing before turning it on, and now I’m really glad I watched it
  • just realized I haven’t been recording my numbers lately
    • I know I’m not at baseline
    • but I honestly don’t know where I’m at or how I’m doing
    • just feel like lately I’ve been on aimless autopilot

Friday ~ November 06, 2020

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: failed to document
did take a nap at some point during the day

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • meds forgotten

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • 1 slice of pumpkin cheesecake
  • candy – mostly Twizzlers

Today’s Feelings

  • fucked if I know

Notes

  • NaNoWriMo Word Count: 225
  • just could not focus on writing today
  • did at least get completely caught up on laundry

Saturday ~ November 07, 2020

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 6am, up at 1pm – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 9pm
  • 20mg Propranolol @ 9pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 1 cup of black tea
  • so. many. Twizzlers.
  • leftover stroganoff

Today’s Feelings

  • whatever, I don’t know – I’m not dead so there’s that

Notes

  • NaNoWriMo Word Count: 1357
  • ended up spending the entire evening watching One Piece on Netflix with Little Bear until I passed out

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