Honestly, I have no idea what I want to write about today. Life here is mostly business as usual.
I never really stopped to consider just how abnormal our lives were here until Covid hit. Suddenly people all around us were complaining about having to live the way we do. Really the only two major changes we’ve had to adjust to were switching to remote learning and switching to telehealth services.
This isn’t me trying to make any kind of political statement here. A big part of me doesn’t care about that either way since it has no bearing on what my little family does. Sadly. And I suppose that’s really my point here. It took this crisis to happen for me to realize that none of this is really normal. We’ve been living this way since I’ve been married for the most part.
It happened when Scholar Owl’s father moved in with me too. And it took what felt like forever to recover and bounce back after I left him. Same when I broke up with Tuxedo Cat’s father before I discovered I was pregnant.
And I’m currently in a state of some kind of stasis.
The source of the problem is inherently me. I had let these guys come into life and I just accommodated the fuck out of everything to the point where I felt like I completely lost all sense of myself. At the time it felt like they were just taking over. And for the most part, I still say that.
By and large our society teaches us that men run the show while women must cater to them. So it doesn’t come as any surprise to me that every time I’ve tried to date someone since having children, the guy thinks that he can just step in, take over, and run the show. And frankly, I resent that. Like, excuse me? Who the fuck has been here this entire time since the beginning with these kids, on the frontlines, doing all the grunt work? What makes any newcomer think they have the right to do that? Like, ever, for any reason?
No. You want to become a part of someone’s family you need to learn how to blend into it and mesh well. Not barge in, take over, and try to reshape it to however the fuck you like. That’s how trauma happens.
And another thing, and this is a big thorn in my side, is about how people handle respect. I think Autistic Abby articulated it best back in April 2015 on Tumblr by posting:
So let’s get something straight. I will always treat you like a person. That’s a given and something I make a point to do. I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I wasn’t treated like one so I refuse to do that to someone else.
But, the moment you step into my home? It’s a rare occasion you’ll be treated like an authority. It’s my home, my space, my domain, my children. I call the shots. Not negotiable. If you’re not in the trenches with me, then you’re not my equal in this – much less an authority. Don’t think that’s fair? Start pitching in and carrying the full half of the load. Be there for the rough times, not just the good times.
I don’t want to hear about child support. That’s a legal minimum, court ordered requirement. Any extra costs legally falls onto the custodial parent unless otherwise stated in the legal parental agreement. If that’s the only thing you’re doing, that doesn’t make you an authority. And if you are only meeting the bare minimum of your visitation agreement, that also doesn’t make you an authority.
Yeah, I understand that having shared custody or allocated custody means you have shared decision making powers. In this regard, it makes you equals. It doesn’t make the one who doesn’t have physical custody the authority. Again, if you’re not right in there in the trenches providing direct care for the child then no. And the courts do take this into account, for the record. I know because I did all the research into this when I prepared myself for my divorce without a lawyer. Unless the one with physical custody is proven unfit, it is assumed they have first hand knowledge of what’s going on with the child and thus making them the authority of the child. And yes, I’m aware that gender bias muddies the waters here.
All of that aside, if you’re not willing to treat me and my children like a person then I don’t need or want you in my life. I’m looking for equals and team mates. I’m not interested in bringing a manager or boss into my home or social circle.
Honestly, I have no idea where I was going with this other than emotionally venting out pent up garbage that’s been floating around for awhile.
I’d like to move forward in my life but I feel like I still have so much to clear out. I want to make meaningful progress in my life, but I don’t see how that’s going to happen as long as I have stuff like this stuck. Like, yes I feel this way, but if it’s merely data and just energy in motion then what does it mean and what do I do with it in order for it to move?
I don’t know. I just know whenever I get into a mood like this I find myself bitching about random shit. Shit that when I stop to think about it, I wonder why it fucking came up at all in the first place. So am I purging or am I just bitching? Don’t know yet.
Honestly, nothing happened today. It was a boring, drama free, normal day. The kind I hope to have more of really. Having said that, it makes me wonder where the hell I’d like to move forward to. Progression requires change after all.