I’m running behind on this month’s short story for my Patreon. Again. I’m sorry. It is coming, I promise.

I know I said that it’s a once a month thing so, technically, that’s not broken. But, I also made it a goal to have them up the first Friday of each month. That was easy to do when I had the bulk of them written during last year’s NaNoWriMo and was able to schedule them out to go live each month.

These last few haven’t been written yet and now I’m now homeschooling Little Bear who isn’t quite an independent learner yet. When he becomes more fluent with his reading my schedule will be more of my own again, but for now I’m trying to rejuggle everything again.

This juggling of my time doesn’t feel like my strongest suit. It feels like I’m constantly making adjustments and readjustments. Perhaps this is just what life is? I’m not sure, but I do feel like I’m in a continuous state of disorganization. In my head. In my daily activities. Even in my hobbies. It’s like I can’t seem to pull myself together.

In some ways, outlining the stories has been streamlined. But the last few stories have felt like I’ve been pulling them from the bottom of my soul. Like some dark well that I need to fish around in to find the words. It’s been a struggle to focus long enough to visualize in my mind the scenes I need to write.

My brain has been all over the place to the point where even getting laundry done feels like a monumental task. The physical clutter in my living/bed room space has erupted again, reflecting the state of my mind. I had it under control, briefly, when my parents took their trip to visit family for the funeral. It’s times like these when I wonder if ADHD meds would actually help me because I feel like I can’t do life right. Or maybe it’s just an overwhelming sensory thing? I don’t know what the root of the problem is, but I’d like to address it and get it under wraps.

I’ve at least started using my alarm clock system again to remind me of my meds again, but I haven’t gotten back into the habit of keeping my mood tracker yet. I told the med clinic that I don’t think this is a depressive mood state but rather more like a freeze response.

I saw on Facebook a post talking about “Surge Capacity” and this was something that resonated with me. It also sheds some light on why domestic violence has the long term impact on people that it does since it’s something that pushes someone beyond their surge capacity daily. In any case, I think it’s clear that this Covid thing is absolutely pushing everyone and everything beyond that point. I think this is why I feel like my toolbox feels empty other than my dysfunctional avoidance/escapism tool. I need a better means of self-care and coping I think.

I’ve gone back to tinkering on Minecraft with the datapacks and have been playing a lot of Minecraft Dungeons lately. I plan to share what I’ve been doing with that on here rather than remaining radio silent like I have been for so long. Yes, I’m aware that my tarot writing prompts go up every day, but a part of me still feels like I should also be posting personal or human posts too. By all rights, this is my online journal.

I should also know better now than to plan for anything to be due the week of my birthday unless I’ve already written it well in advance. For most of my life, my birthday has been something that was either forgotten or made miserable. It had gotten to the point where I stopped hoping or planning anything for that day to hurt less and just treat it like any other day. Now I have people in my life that don’t forget and actually want to do things with me, so I’m having a bit of a hard time shifting out of the mindset that my birthday is something to be avoided.

Golden Knight took the boys out shopping so they could pick out a birthday present for me. Then he took us out to dinner. It went well and we had a good time together. I’m looking forward to having more days like this.

I keep going back to the memory of the day when I asked myself, “When is it my turn to be happy?” and now I ask myself, “What will make me happy right now?” I know people keep saying you need to plan for the future. To some extend, I do agree. However, there’s no point in planning for a future happiness if it means sacrificing all of today’s happiness every day. One of the things I’ve learned in my short life so far is that there is really only today. Yes, plan for tomorrow by building happiness right now. As a recovering enmeshed person, I just don’t always know what my happiness looks like every day is all, but I’m figuring it out. I guess that’s all that really matters.

I’ll get the story written and will have it up soon. Again, I apologize that I’ve been late with them.