It’s been a quiet week. I didn’t get as much writing done as I would have liked but I did spent quite a bit of quality time with Little Bear playing Minecraft. Great deal of focus on collaboration, planning, communication, etc. I admit, I had a hard time in some areas since we didn’t always share the same vision for building projects but we worked through it.
Mood Score Key:
Sliding Hypomania = 1 ~ Hypomania = 2 ~ Mania = 3 ~ Baseline (My Normal) = 0
Sliding Depression = -1 ~ Depression = -2 ~ Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State
Energy Score Key:
Low = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ High = 1
Irritation Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Anxiety Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Migraine Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h
Joint Pain Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T
Sleep Quality Score Key:
Bad = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ Great = 1
Special Notes for the Week
Menses Start Date: ~
Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~
Sunday ~ November 07, 2021
Mood: 1H ~ Energy: 1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed sometime around 6am or 7am, up at 1pm
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity & Time
Meds Taken
- AM meds missed
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
Meals
- coffee and black tea
- homemade pizza
Today’s Feelings
- motivated and uplifted
Notes
- yeah…. I think I’m shifting upward, like a weight is coming off me
- a result of the breakup? maybe
- a result of meeting a new gaming group via Back 4 Blood possibly
- one individual in particular with a vibrant energy
- not that urgent sort of energy, but rather just light and bright and candid
- and easy sort of way of being
- in many ways it reminds me of how I feel when I talk to Raven Squire
- uplifted and myself and not at all performative
- not that urgent sort of energy, but rather just light and bright and candid
- one individual in particular with a vibrant energy
- HOWEVER given the fact this is usually the time of year I experience an upward mood state shift annually, this is very likely the culprit – it just started a bit later than normal and given everything that’s been going on this year I shamelessly have every intention of rolling with it and taking advantage of the energy that comes with it instead of feeling bad about it or fighting it – fuck it
- I’m tired of feeling tired
- I’m tired of feeling like my life is a fucking slog
- I desire a purge and a shift into something different and better than what I’ve got right now
- just need to decide what the next best step for me is and take action towards it
- for a couple of months now Dad had been seriously talking about moving out of the house and giving it to me
- today he has told me (again) that he’s changed his mind and not doing that
- this time it has to do with the stuff going on with his sister that I can’t really find fault in
- that said, I need to learn not to count or plan on anything he says when it comes to things like that
- I should know this by now
- and if I were to protest I will be told that nothing was promised (which is true)
- I should know this by now
- that said, I need to learn not to count or plan on anything he says when it comes to things like that
- this time it has to do with the stuff going on with his sister that I can’t really find fault in
- today he has told me (again) that he’s changed his mind and not doing that
- NaNo Word Count: 3626
Monday ~ November 08, 2021
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0.5 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep:
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity & Time
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 20mg Propranolol@ 7am
- 1 Multivitamin @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol@ 7pm
Meals
- coffee & tea
- didn’t eat anything, except maybe a handful of pretzel sticks
Today’s Feelings
- annoyed mostly
Notes
- no writing got done, spent the entire day on Minecraft
- managed to piss off the new friend I made online all because I made it clear I don’t like waiting around wondering what going on and then they just dropped out of the conversation without warning, which I honestly think is rude
- at the very least they could have just said that they need to go instead of ghosting like that
- no, not everyone does it
- and no, I don’t see it strictly in any one particular generation
- I am noticing a pattern of it being connected to immature, self-centered, or abusive people though
- because these people aren’t able or willing to take the time to consider others in context of their own behavior and how the two are connected
- nor are they able or willing to acknowledge that they’re behavior is the reason they have the outcomes they keep ending up with
- instead they just point the finger at someone else for whatever guilt and shame they feel rather than changing the behavior to get a different outcome
- nor are they able or willing to acknowledge that they’re behavior is the reason they have the outcomes they keep ending up with
- because these people aren’t able or willing to take the time to consider others in context of their own behavior and how the two are connected
- I am noticing a pattern of it being connected to immature, self-centered, or abusive people though
- I’m not shrinking myself or backing down just because they didn’t like hearing me saying I didn’t like waiting or that it was rude to do what they did and that I would like for them to not do that anymore
- I don’t think this person is a bad guy and I never said that
- shit happens, misunderstandings occur, and that’s the whole reason for having these kinds of conversations so they can get cleared up and smoothed over
- at the very least they could have just said that they need to go instead of ghosting like that
Tuesday ~ November 09, 2021
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed around 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity & Time
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 20mg Propranolol@ 7am
- 1 Multivitamin @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol@ 7pm
Meals
Today’s Feelings
Notes
- Little Bear asked me to stay logged into the Windows 10 version of Minecraft so he could play on my map
- this guy still hasn’t contacted us back, much to Little Bear’s dismay, so at this point I feel it’s time to walk away
- I won’t stop him from returning, but I’m not chasing carrots either
- I have better things to do with my time
- I won’t stop him from returning, but I’m not chasing carrots either
- this guy still hasn’t contacted us back, much to Little Bear’s dismay, so at this point I feel it’s time to walk away
- NaNo Word Count: 4792
Wednesday ~ November 10, 2021
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 5am – 6 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity & Time
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 20mg Propranolol@ 7am
- 1 Multivitamin @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol@ 7pm
Meals
- tea
- leftover homemade pizza
Today’s Feelings
Notes
- one last chance, with a courtesy reach out, then I’m letting it go
- didn’t bother writing today, chilled out on Minecraft with a creative project
- downloaded the education version of Minecraft since it looks like I may finally be able to use it with Little Bear without a school code, but we’ll see
Thursday ~ November 11, 2021
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 5am – 7 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity & Time
Meds Taken
- AM meds missed
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 20mg Propranolol@ 7pm
Meals
Today’s Feelings
Notes
- went grocery shopping with parents
- felt drained and tired all day
- didn’t get any writing done, but did at least get some outlining for next year’s volume 2 done
- jotted down all of the subplots that arose in volume 1 of the Whitaker Case Files
- need to decide where I want to go with those before I move forward
- in a general sense at least
- need to decide where I want to go with those before I move forward
- jotted down all of the subplots that arose in volume 1 of the Whitaker Case Files
Friday ~ November 12, 2021
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity & Time
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 20mg Propranolol@ 7am
- 1 Multivitamin @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 9:30pm
- 20mg Propranolol@ 9:30pm
Meals
- coffee
- black tea
- turkey with cheese on white
Today’s Feelings
Notes
- no writing done, fucked around on Minecraft all day instead
- I know, I suck
Saturday ~ November 13, 2021
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, 5:30am – 5.5 hours total
went back to bed around 6am, up at 9am
back to bed at 9:30am – like seriously, fuck today, up at I dunno, sometime in the afternoon
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity & Time
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 9:30am
- 20mg Propranolol@ 9:30am
- 1 Multivitamin @ 9:30am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
- 20mg Propranolol@ 7:30pm
Meals
- coffee
- chicken and cheese on white
Today’s Feelings
Notes
- no writing today either, but I did play survival mode in Minecraft with Little Bear and that was enjoyable today