Wrapping Up the Year

This year has been a rollercoaster for me. Not an extreme one like in the past when I was married, but more than plenty of ups and downs. I’m okay with that, I think. Despite how hectic things have been since the start of November, I am more at peace with myself than I can recall. Almost as though I have found the eye of the storm that is my life. No clear idea of where I’m going or how I’m going to get there, but I feel that everything will be okay and work out just the same.

So to start off with, I closed the tarot shop on Etsy. It’s not working out for me and there are things I would rather focus on. The next thing I need to say is that at this moment in time, the only thing I have scheduled to go live on this blog is the Exploring Numbers with Tarot series. I haven’t prepped anything else yet. I do know that I wish to continue posting the writing prompts here on the blog as well as posting the short stories on Patreon. As I sort the coming posting schedule out, there may be some changes as to when things go live.

When I joined WordPress and started this blog, it was because I wanted to connect with people as I vented about my life. The past year or two I haven’t felt like there was anything I could vent. As a result, I feel I’ve disconnected myself from everything. I would like to reconnect and start documenting my life here again via personal posts. It’s my desire to be authentic about it, both the good and the bad.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I do know that this is the first year in my life that I haven’t felt a strong need to dwell upon and recap the past year. I feel strongly urged to just move forward – any direction is fine so long as I keep moving. Is this a symptom of PTSD? To just keep moving? Or is this me finally growing in a big way? I don’t know and I’m not sure if I care about the why of it.

I’d like to return to the many projects I delve into, whatever they happen to be in the moment. I’d like to share them here with you since project focused goals have always been a deep part of my life. Whether it’s my writing, Minecraft, or MMD, or even something new down the road, I want to explore and enjoy it.

The biggest concern I have for the coming year is living in this house on my own with the boys. I don’t know how I’m going to make it work, but I know I will figure it out. It feels thrust upon me. I didn’t plan for this ahead of time, so it’s a bit overwhelming. But, like everything else chaotic in my life, I’ll push through and figure it out.

Covid changed very little about my life and seeing how so many people responded to it, I find myself wondering if I need to be more social. I don’t really have a drive towards it. For the most part, I am content with sitting at my desk every day, doing whatever it is I’m doing. I know the drive for it will return, it always does. Is it the nature of Bipolar to be cyclic in all things, or is this just a quirk I have? No idea and I’m not sure it matters. This cyclic function of mine has always been there my entire life. Really don’t see that changing ever.

I haven’t been keeping my mood tracker, like at all. I will say that for the most part, I feel I have been incredibly stable even with all the ups and downs that have been going on in my life. This was the first year that the autumn season didn’t trigger hypomania. I know that clinically, this is a good thing but I still find myself mourning it. The uptick is always a welcomed shift. I couldn’t tell you if I’m in my baseline state or if I’m in some kind of mild depression right now. I’m not agitated every day and I feel rested when I wake up. I can honestly say this sense of internal calmness feels foreign and weird to me. Like, what do I even do with it and how long will it last?

It’s kind of the same meta feeling I had right after my divorce. The whole, “I’m no longer in crisis mode level 20 every day anymore so I don’t know what to do with myself.” There’s a void here that doesn’t really feel empty, but I can fill it with whatever I desire. Or not. In some ways, I’d like to keep my life as simple as possible. I know this is why I’m making the changes I’ve been making here on the blog.

I haven’t done a tarot reading for myself in ages. A part of me feels like I should, but I don’t want to. Is it because I don’t need to or that I don’t desire to expend the energy on it? I’m not sure if the reason behind that matters either. If I do go back to reading tarot for myself, I’ll share it here since there is still a mild pull inside for it.

I know the advice for blogging is to focus on one topic only, but this started out as my life blog and my life has always been all over the place, shifting from one topic of interest to another. I would like for my blog to reflect the real me. Like sharing more often the things I do in Minecraft or any of the other games I play. I’d like that, a lot. Games have always been a major coping mechanism for me, not just a source of entertainment. Not to mention that I like to tinker with shit to see what I do with it.

I’m not sure what else there is to say in this post, other than I hope you all have a happy new year, and thanks for being here. May you all be blessed with much love, light, and laughter in the many days to come.

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