I am behind on the blog. So very far behind on the blog. Still swamped with trying to unpack my own stuff from storage. I don’t have this month’s story written for my Patreon written yet. I feel so very overwhelmed. The anxiety levels are reaching the point of terror. To say that I feel like a disappointment and a failure is grossly understated and inadequate for what’s going on with me inside right now. My brain, my thoughts, will not pull together to focus on any one thing long enough to get anything functional done. I’m angry and frustrated. Usually by this time of year I have most, if not all, of my writing prompt posts written and scheduled for the year. That’s not even close to the case this year right now. It feels like everything is blowing up in my face right now and I’m just wrecking everything. Like I’m waiting to drown in my storm as I’m scrambling to salvage the debris to reconstruct some semblance of normalcy and control, when there is none. And all of this is internal. No matter how much coffee I drink, I cannot clear the clutter in my head. My thoughts are that scattered right now. What triggered this? Fucked if I know. Probably just that I simply reach my max capacity limit to cope with everything that is going on in the world for all of us right now. We all have a limit. And of course, it hits at the worst possible time. We never have it hit when we have the time to recharge, recoup, or replace our batteries. So in a way, I think it’s an excellent lesson for me regarding self-care and how I approach and manage that aspect of my life. Am I making sure my batteries are being recharged daily so I can prevent or mitigate episodes like this one? How am I attempting to do that? Is it effective? Because like I keep saying, you can’t pour from an empty cup. I’m still going to work on shit, because I know me well enough that my anxiety and dread will only mount and climb higher until I get this shit taken care of. It’s bad enough that sometimes my posts don’t go live when they’re scheduled to. It’s even worse when they don’t even get written. And you as the reader don’t even know what’s going on. So right now, that’s what’s going on. I’m not doing well. But I’m owning my shit and doing my best to get this back on track.

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Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h

Joint Pain Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1

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Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

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Sunday ~ January 02, 2022

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed sometime in the morning, up around 4pm

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity & Time

Meds Taken

• AM meds missed
• 75mg Topamax @ 8pm
• need refills on Propranolol – didn’t have enough to fill the med box today

Meals

• coffee
• black tea
• cooked some rice with the new rice cooker I got for Xmas early this morning
  • Little Bear and I loved it

Today’s Feelings

• aimless

Notes

• written and scheduled Self Care with Tarot series for the year
  • 52 posts

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Monday ~ January 03, 2022

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep:

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity & Time

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

• black tea
• coffee
• rice cooked in veggie broth
• lasagna

Today’s Feelings

Notes

• written and scheduled the Welter Quill poetry prompt series for the year
  • 52 posts
    • completed right after the Self Care ones, haven’t slept yet, it’s 6am at this point, and I’m fucking tired and hungry now
      • why do I do this to myself?
        • I even made plans with my dad last night to go grocery shopping later this morning with him
          • wtf am I doing/thinking
            • just need to eat if nothing else before going
• picked up meds while grocery shopping with Dad
  • the trip over all wasn’t too bad, just a slight mix up at the pharmacy that needed sorting out

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Tuesday ~ January 04, 2022

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 10am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity & Time

Meds Taken

• 1 multivitamin @ 11am
• 75mg Topamax @ 11am
• 20mg Propranolol @ 11am
• 75mg Topamax @ 8pm

Meals

• coffee
• pea soup

Today’s Feelings

Notes

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Wednesday ~ January 05, 2022

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 4am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity & Time

Meds Taken

• 1 multivitamin @ 8am
• 75mg Topamax @ 8am
• 20mg Propranolol @ 8am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
• 20mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

• coffee
• leftover rice

Today’s Feelings

Notes

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Thursday ~ January 06, 2022

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: forgot to document sleep I had last night

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity & Time

Meds Taken

• 1 multivitamin @ 8am
• 75mg Topamax @ 8am
• 20mg Propranolol @ 8am
• PM meds missed

Meals

• coffee
• leftover pea soup
• instant noodles

Today’s Feelings

Notes

• busy with parents moving their stuff from the living room today, which was very disruptive and intrusive
  • got none of the writing I needed to do
  • just them being here and watching them passive-aggressively fight was exhausting
    • Mom made it a point to let me know that she still sees this house as hers when Dad wasn’t in ear shot
      • so tired of this bullshit of being caught in the middle
      • the house is still in his name, I don’t need to be reminded every time she lets herself in

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Friday ~ January 07, 2022

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3pm day before, up at 11pm- 8 hours total (yes, I know technically yesterday’s sleep but I’m not going back to sleep any time soon)

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity & Time

Meds Taken

Meals

Today’s Feelings

Notes

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Saturday ~ January 08, 2022

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0

Hours of Sleep:

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity & Time

Meds Taken

Meals

Today’s Feelings

Notes

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