Here’s today’s journal writing prompt along with my corresponding journal entry. Read more for details!

Is my life on solid ground right now?

Ten of Coins (Pentacles)

This card frequently is viewed in terms of wealth, but it also deals with permanence. Like, is your house built on rock or on sand? That question to me feels more relevant to me than a question regarding money or finances in some way. I’m probably not the only person out there that feels money is tight. Given gas prices, I’m not really up to even think about budgeting myself into a better life – much less talk about something that feels so ridiculous to me right now. I don’t care what anyone says, it’s looking bleak in terms of the economy.

So… rock vs. sand. If the house in this phrase represents my life, the question is really: “Is my life on solid ground right now?” Can I withstand stressors that come my way (the tide or the storm) or will I collapse when they come? I get where my dad is coming from when he says things like, “plan for the worst, hope for the best,” but are my preparations appropriate? As in, am I spending all my time preparing for life or am I living it too?

Honestly, I feel like I’m stuck in some kind of holding pattern. For years my life has been nothing but one chaotic crisis after the next where I was scrambling to keep up. And now? It’s so quiet. My “house” is still standing. Looks like a wreck, but it’s still standing just the same. And what do I do? Seriously, what do I need to be doing with the resources I have and what resources do I even have available to me?

No one tells you that when you escape a terrible, abusive relationship that you will need to shift gears from crisis mode to peaceful mode. No one tells you that shifting is a process. It’s not something that happens overnight. It also goes unsaid that this shifting will impact all of your relationships and interactions going forward. For the most part it feels like people expect you to just leave the unhealthy thing and live happily ever after. But, the ever after part still needs to be built.

Yeah, I got divorced in 2017. Five years ago come this fall. You would think that I would be in a better place right now. I see other people who have bounced back much better, faster, and stronger than I have. What am I missing? What am I not seeing that clearly has occurred behind the scenes for them to get to that better place?

So yeah, I guess you could say that my life is just a shack on a rock on a beach with everything else reduced to debris. I’ve been in therapy forever and I still don’t feel like I’m addressing that debris correctly. I’m just kind of stumbling along picking shit up. And maybe that’s all there is to it. Maybe the reason I’m still picking shit up is because my life wasn’t ever built on as solid of ground as I had thought.

It leaves me to wonder why I’m still trying to pick this shit up. If the only thing left of my castle is a fucking shack, why am I trying to rebuild it? That castle is gone. Why can’t I just build something new? Something more solid and practical? Something I don’t have to fight every day to make sure it keeps standing? I don’t even know what that looks like. I just know that I’m tired of dealing with the debris.

Tired of feeling like the world nearest me is a dangerous place. Tired of feeling like no one can be truly trusted. Tired of waiting for the next crisis. Tired of wearing this ridiculous armor that I don’t know how to take off. Gotten to where I can lift the visor somewhat and show my face, but not to where I can show the whole of me. The war in my life is over, so why do I feel like I’m still fighting? Who the fuck am I fighting? Can I just drop the sword and be done? How do I do that? How do I reach a point where I can feel safe enough to just drop the damn sword?

I can’t be a builder and a fighter at the same time. How do I shift modes? Makes me think of the analogy of the warrior in the garden. He there, living in peace, but fully prepared to protect it if need be. How do I get to that? Living as a gardener, but capable of protecting what I’ve cultivated.

I guess that’s the goal I have now. Focusing more on cultivating a life worth living and less on the debris of what is gone. Will it be more stable? I don’t know, but I’ll figure it out eventually.

So I’m going to bring today’s question back to you. How does it apply to your life right now? How do you feel about it? What’s happening around that to make you feel this way? What would you like to do about it?

Write the answers in your journal in detail.

If for some reason this prompt is leaving you stumped, that’s okay, you can either write about something else or just allow the image of the card inspire you instead. The entire point of this is to get you started, not to confine you in any way. Happy writing!

~ Legacy of the Divine Tarot by Ciro Marchetti (Illustrator and Author) © 2009
~ Credit for 3D model and assets used in this rendered image can be found here.

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Daily Draw 2022-06-08

One thought on “Daily Draw 2022-06-08

  1. Pingback: Daily Draw 2022-06-09 | The Art of Chaos

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