Sorry that I missed yesterday’s entry. I had some major stuff happening with moving things out of the storage shed into the house and forgot all about it. At least that’s done finally and now the unpacking and sorting of all that needs to happen. Without further ado, here’s today’s journal writing prompt along with my corresponding journal entry. Read more for details!
Three of Wands
Am I acting on my plans, or am I just waiting for them to happen?
So here’s the one major issue I have with the core concept with manifesting: “just believe it will happen, think good thoughts, and feel as though it has already happened, and it will.” You know, it’s a lovely thought, isn’t it? No, I don’t think just hard work alone gets you there. You need a concrete, smart plan. You need to be willing to adjust your plan as you go. Just because something works today doesn’t mean it will work tomorrow. Shit fucking happens.
Chaos theory is a very real thing. The Oxford Dictionary defines it as:
The branch of mathematics that deals with complex systems whose behavior is highly sensitive to slight changes in conditions, so that small alterations can give rise to strikingly great consequences.
This is why we need to not just plan and take action, but to also adapt as needed.
The problem that I’ve been having is that I feel that for a very long time now that I’ve been guilty of just waiting for shit to happen. Of course, shit doesn’t happen. So I become disappointed. I become frustrated. Because that illusionary ship never comes in. Because I bank on what was implied. On what I hoped for. Or whatever.
What becomes even more frustrating about all of this is when I start to do my own thing, and act on my own plans and do what feels good and comfortable to me that’s when other people become upset with me. That somehow it hinders their plans despite the fact that I had waited on their ship for years that never came in. And will likely never come in I might add. It aggravates me to feel like I’m expected and obligated to invest in people that consistently don’t invest in me. We’re not talking about one off things here. We’re talking about repeated patterns over the course of years.
We’re talking about people that treat me like I’m a terrible parent because of ONE child who has a condition involving extreme uneven developmental delays. Delays that may never be caught up. I’ve been told by doctors that parts of his brain may very well be frozen. That he may very well be like this his entire life but they wouldn’t know this for sure. So him being this way has nothing to do with my parenting style and the behavior of my other two children are proof of this. It is not my fault that I have one son who still behaves like a toddler in certain areas of development.
You cannot tell me that not once ever in your experience as a parent that your child has never done something you wish they hadn’t done. You cannot tell me that your child has never embarrassed you in public. You cannot tell me your child has never said something or asked something they shouldn’t have. You cannot tell me that you would not be outraged and hurt if someone did not accuse you of being the worst parent ever because of any or all of these things.
This is what I struggle with on a daily basis.
And the developmental issues of my sons, especially my youngest, is something that I have to plan around. Not just today but for the future. It falls entirely on me to take care of it since no one else wants to take responsibility. No one else wants to shoulder the burden. No one else wants to do the work.
Fucking tell the school you want nothing to do with the IEP meetings. Fucking show up to your visitations just to sit there and do nothing with your kid and then tell everyone that I’m the one that does nothing with your son. Accuse me of letting my child of getting away with murder when I’m follow the child psychologist’s and child behaviorist’s advice on how to deal with the developmental issues. Blame me when my kid gets bent out of shape when your kid picks on my kid because I didn’t choose to publicly berate and shame my kid for it because I thought it was wrong for your kid to pick on my kid in the first place and I felt both should have been punished.
But I’m the bad parent. Fuck all of you. I will forever be hurt and offended by this.
Playing favorites, segregating children, and creating cliques IS what creates toxic family dynamics. This is what’s happening in our own fucking families. This is what we’re teaching our children. We’re teaching them that it’s completely okay to bully and isolate each other when family is supposed to be a safe haven from the rest of the world.
We don’t fucking have that. Since even before Covid we have been pushed into our own little bubble that the world around us demands to be even smaller by the day.
And I have no idea as to how to build that critical haven for us. There. is. no. plan. Every time I make any sort of attempt of building a village for my family, we get crushed in the worst possible way. I guess that’s why I’m still waiting. Just fumbling around in the dark. Angry. Defeated.
The pain just thinking about it is near unbearable. My chest feels tight. The tears threaten to flood. My skin feels far away. A part of me just wishes so very much to not be here to feel any of it. I look at my sons and I see how important this is. It’s not just me that feels this.
I wish all of you fully understood what you were doing when you do this. Not just to us, but to anyone you do this to. You are emotionally killing people one piece at a time. Please stop.
So I’m going to bring today’s question back to you. How does it apply to your life right now? How do you feel about it? What’s happening around that to make you feel this way? What would you like to do about it?
Write the answers in your journal in detail.
If for some reason this prompt is leaving you stumped, that’s okay, you can either write about something else or just allow the image of the card inspire you instead. The entire point of this is to get you started, not to confine you in any way. Happy writing!
~ Celtic Dragon Tarot by D.J. Conway (Author), Lisa Hunt (Illustrator) © 1999
~ Dragon Tarot by Terry Donaldson (Author), Peter Pracownik (Illustrator) © 1995
~ Gilded Tarot by Ciro Marchetti (Illustrator), Barbara Moore (Author) © 2015
~ Goddess Guidance Oracle by Lisa Iris (Illustrator), Doreen Virtue (Author) © 2004
~ Legacy of the Divine Tarot by Ciro Marchetti (Illustrator and Author) © 2009
~ Mystic Dreamer Tarot by Heidi Darras (Illustrator), Barbara Moore (Author) © 2012
~ Mystic Faerie Tarot by Linda Ravenscroft (Illustrator), Barbara Moore (Author) © 2015
~ Mythic Tarot by Liz Greene (Author), Juliet Sharman-Burke (Author), Tricia Newell (Illustrator) © 1986
~ Necronomicon Tarot by Anne Stokes (Illustrator), Donald Tyson (Author) © 2012
~ Panda Tarot by Severino Baraldi (Illustrator), Lo Scarabeo (Author) © 2017
~ Shadowscapes Tarot by Stephanie Pui-Mun Law (Illustrator), Barbara Moore (Author) © 2011
~ Steampunk Tarot by Aly Fell (Illustrator), Barbara Moore (Author) © 2012
~ Universal Tarot by Lo Scarabeo (Author), R. De Angelis (Illustrator), A. E. Waite (Designer) © 2001
~ The images used for the Team Goblin characters were found on pixabay.com under the CC0 license.
~ Credit for 3D model and assets used in this rendered image can be found here.
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