Sorry I missed yesterday’s journal prompt too but here’s today’s journal writing prompt along with my corresponding journal entry. Read more for details!
Four of Coins (Pentacles)
How secure do I feel right now?
Ever since being married, and subsequently divorced, this has been a tricky question. Because really what it means is do I feel safe? And my answer to that is simultaneously yes and no. I’m in my house and the answer is both yes and no. And maybe this is always been this way. Before getting married. Before being raped. Because back then I wasn’t consciously aware of it. Maybe it was even before Scholar Owl was born. I don’t know. It had to have been given how I have never had a secure attachment style in my relationships, right?
I hate being negative and angry so often even though I know most of the time it seems from pain, feeling like I don’t belonging, feeling like I’m rejected, or feeling like I’m just not safe. That sense of insecurity is just not a good place for anyone to be in. It’s a dark place inside. And it really hurts. And every single one of us are biologically wired to avoid it.
In light of all that, maybe, I’m asking the wrong question for myself here. Maybe the question I need to be asking myself is, what do I need to be doing to shift myself into a more secure sense of being?
One of the things I did do this week is set a boundary with Iron Knight and not because he was doing anything wrong. I believe he thought he was being helpful and being a peace keeper. And I’ve mentioned this is previous Daily Draw posts.
So I told him that from now on if someone has an issue with either me or my children, they need to speak to me directly otherwise it needs to be treated as though it was never said. And the reason for this is because I can’t fix or change it if they don’t come to me as it arises. All it does is makes me feel like shit and completely unwelcomed.
So if they really don’t want us around, then they need to say it to my face or simply not invite us. If there is a boundary we are crossing, then we need to be informed so we can stop crossing it.
I know this sounds like such a small thing. But this very small thing creates so much uncertainty when left unaddressed. And it’s that uncertainty that leaves me feeling insecure. And if this one small thing cannot be respected then I have no choice but to build my social circle and family with other people who are willing and able to respect it.
Because this is the very sort of thing that I have been teaching my children. If there is a problem, speak up so it can be addressed and repaired. Remaining silent only allows it to fester and rupture. Yes, there is a healthy and safe way to do this. Chose that way. This is what creates a secure foundation in your relationships with others. But if I’m not willing to do that, then my sons aren’t going to do it either.
So I have to create this boundary and stop allowing myself to get crushed by this rumor mill. Because right now that’s all it is. And I will need to set this boundary with every person that brings this shit up to me, one by one. Especially the ones that mean well and have my best interests at heart.
And I’m thinking now I need to be doing more things like this. That I need to be paying closer attention to how various events make me feel and set boundaries around those that consistently trigger severe episodes of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Not because other people are terrible people but because it’s bringing out the worst in me and I don’t have the tool set yet to cope with it.
And see, this is a set of red flags we don’t really talk about, do we? We don’t talk enough about how we need to pay attention to how sometimes the worst in us comes out and that is a red flag. It doesn’t make us or anyone else bad people. It just means we need to put on the brakes and go in a different direction. We just need to stop exposing ourselves to whatever that thing is – be it a person or event. Like, if you are deathly allergic to strawberries, you don’t eat them right? It’s the same principal here in terms of red flags for your own behavior.
So it’s something I want to pay closer attention to in me. And gossip appears to be a huge tanking event for me. It seems to be one of those things that just makes me spiral out into a god awful mood so I just can’t participate in it anymore. Even when it’s not about me because then I start to worry if they also talk about me when I’m not there. And I start to imagine all the things they might be saying about me. It just wrecks me. I don’t need that. Like at all. So I just can’t do it anymore on any level for any reason.
So I’m going to bring today’s question back to you. How does it apply to your life right now? How do you feel about it? What’s happening around that to make you feel this way? What would you like to do about it?
Write the answers in your journal in detail.
If for some reason this prompt is leaving you stumped, that’s okay, you can either write about something else or just allow the image of the card inspire you instead. The entire point of this is to get you started, not to confine you in any way. Happy writing!
~ Legacy of the Divine Tarot by Ciro Marchetti (Illustrator and Author) © 2009
~ Credit for 3D model and assets used in this rendered image can be found here.
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