Here’s my entry in response to today’s tarot inspired journal writing prompt.
Four of Pentacles
Am I blocking change in my life right now?
This is the second time this month that this card has come up. And like always, this card is one of those challenging cards for me to look at in the context of myself.
You know, it’s easy to block changes out of fear without even stopping to consider what blessings you may be preventing from coming in? And I think this is a good reminder for me to just take pause and think on this.
Yes, shit has been overwhelming for me since November. My parents just up and moved out of this house without any warning and left me with the full responsibility of it. So I can either buck up and manage it or I can fucking move out, right? But guess what? We’re not sinking! Yeah, we’re sailing on a rocky sea and it’s fucking crazy as hell sometimes, but we’re still alive and we’re not lost somewhere on the bottom of the ocean.
It takes me sometimes forever to get shit sorted out, but it gets sorted out. I’ve got “boxes of doom” stacked up all over the place in here that we’ve pulled out of the storage shed recently that I need to open up, unpack, and decide what to do with. Do we keep it, do we give it away, or do we just toss it in the garbage? I haven’t yet mustered the will to deal with it.
I’ve got mountains of paperwork and laundry looming over me in the background waiting for my attention. And as I write this I know it has to do with blocking change but I couldn’t tell you exactly how. Yeah, yeah… change my behavior – I hear you. No, I mean as in the change of whatever is coming. As though by procrastinating I can somehow prevent that. Which as we know, doesn’t. Instead all it does is allows life to choose for us the direction in which change takes. I know this.
It’s like a part of me feel powerless and thus needs to be buried as a result. If I have no control in which direction I’m going then what’s the point? I may as well just lay down and ride it out. It does sound defeated. It feels defeated. But in the same token, there are times when you don’t have control and when you don’t you’re fighting a losing battle. I just don’t have a desire to fight that fight. I’d rather put my energy into the things I do have control in.
So I don’t have control over the direction I’m going right now? I can control whether I’m eating and sleeping. I can control whether I’m parenting my children in a healthy manner. I can control whether I’m taking my meds. You get the idea. One foot in front of the other and one step at a time, until options present themselves. Until then you go in the direction you have available because I don’t know about you, but I have no desire to go back where I came from.
This place of in between isn’t great, but it sure as hell is better than where I was years before, and where ever it is I’m headed now has to be better than that too.