What am I Feeling Right Now?
My body aches. I had woken up from a dead sleep last night after several days of no sleep from a charley horse in two of my small toes in one foot. Went all the way up to the back of my knee. So now I smell like Biofreeze still. No sharp pains, just a dull ache. Mostly in my back, as usual. Woke up with a headache this afternoon too. Not migraine level and no aura, just a dull squeeze sort of feeling.
My grandmother passed away two weeks ago. As usual, it’s hard for me to tap into my emotions unless they are intense. I don’t even know what to call what I feel exactly. Frustrated because I feel like she died believing I was trying to steal the husbands of two of my aunts. I was 19 years old when I got accused of that and she was never the same with me ever since. I never heard her say, “I love you,” to me after that. It was only, “Behave yourself.” Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and makes my hands shake. None of what was said was true. I barely knew those men and barely gave them the time of day. I haven’t spoken to any of them since coming back to Maine. And just like my other grandmother and my nephew, I didn’t go to her funeral either. I can barely afford to travel within the state, much less go out of state. When my parents got back, Dad gave me a drawing I had given my grandmother years ago and told me that she had kept it in her nightstand. I don’t know what I feel but it makes me cry. Why did she keep this all these years while treating me the way she had? I think the thing that hurts the most is knowing I will never have the answer and I will never be able to reconcile anything with her. And it only further reinforces my resolve to heal and reshape the what is passed down to the next generation. I have no desire to perpetuate the toxicity, accidental or intentional, that’s been handed around. It doesn’t matter that I understand how and why some of it came to be and exists the way it does. It doesn’t change the fact that it isn’t healthy for anyone.
And perhaps all this is a big reason I haven’t been able to sleep since hearing about her death. Like quite literally, I’ve gone a full 48 hours without sleep twice in the past two weeks and most of the time going 24 hours before passing out.
What do I Need Right Now?
Space. Space to mourn. Space to cry. Just fucking space of private time to be whatever it is I am in the moment. I find I can’t really do that when I’m around people. I may start to, but typically the gates around that snap shut pretty fast. For some reason I feel like I have to be strong all the time. And for whatever reason, that means not feeling anything.
What would I Love?
What would I love right now? I would love to be able to figure out how to make the code language work in Forge to create a modded villager profession for Minecraft. Somehow tinkering with shit is a comfort. Gives a sense of purpose and direction when I feel like I have none. And maybe more than a little it helps to numb out my bullshit. I know, I shouldn’t call my messy complicated emotions bullshit. But entangling any kind of mess feels like bullshit to me. Even though I know it’s dumb to be angry that the mess exists, I still feel that way about it. I feel like that’s all I ever do: untangle messes – whether mine or others. So what I’d love more than anything right now is to just be and to not worry about or deal with any messes.
Just three questions to answer each day. This exercise comes from Jacob Nordby’s ebook from his Creative Cure program. The intent is to tap in and communicate with your creative self. And my therapist says it may be worth me giving it a try. So here we are. Feel free in joining me with exploring these daily questions. The ebook includes a guided meditation to use so if you can get your hands on it, you can make use of it along with this exercise. I’m not affiliated with this organization, nor do I receive any benefit by sharing their link. I got the ebook for free and only desire to share my journey in this process with you. In fact, I’m not affiliated with any of the links or products I share here on my blog unless explicitly stated otherwise.