What am I Feeling Right Now?
Fuzzy. I’m feeling fuzzy right now. I slept only one hour yesterday at best after having slept next to nothing the day before that and I slept all day today. It’s 1:16pm right now. Just got up. I was a fucking bear yesterday. It was so hard to contain my shit. I say shit but I really mean dysphoria.
If I’m being really honest, I’ve been dysphoric all month. I haven’t been taking my meds since I don’t know when. Before Halloween. At least. Iron Knight claims he can tell the difference when I’ve haven’t taken my meds versus when I have, but I think he just means the days when my shit leaks out. Because yesterday? I took my meds.
The problem is that people like him have this tendency to believe that taking meds is like flipping a switch, You take the meds and the light comes on. But that’s not how it works and that what I keep trying to say. It’s more like adding a rock to the dam against the tide. And if your dam is leaking? Well, it can look like shit isn’t working or like you aren’t taking your meds or whatever.
In my case, I haven’t been taking my meds for over several months (I think – not sure because I stop keeping tabs on my mood tracker) and I’ve allowed my sleep schedule to go off the rails for well over a year (I know that started happening when I started homeschooling Little Bear) so yeah… my damn has started leaking.
Don’t get me wrong. Despite me feeling dysphoric, I know I am feeling more peaceful and more at ease with myself and with my life than I was when I was married to Lex Chameleon and while Little Bear was in public school. So this dysphoria I’ve got going on right now isn’t like “defcon” levels. It’s more like, “Girl, get your shit together before you fall apart – the holidays are coming and we want to have fun” kind of levels.
What do I Need Right Now?
To start taking my meds every day. I used to take them at 7 and 7. And I was getting really hung up on that to the point that I wasn’t taking them if I missed the morning time. But I’m at a point here where I just need to fucking take them. So from now on, I take them whatever time I get up and then 12 hours later. Period. Fuck it. I need to let go of whatever sense of perfectionism I’m clinging on to around this.
I don’t know if I need to tweak my mood tracker a bit to help me keep track of the sleep part easier, but we’ll see.
What would I Love?
I would love for the Thanksgiving dinner to go smoothly. My mother’s birthday lands on that day so I invited my parents over with the intent for her to not have to do any cooking for that day. I’ve already got all the shopping done for the dinner. Got her a cake. She said she wanted peanut butter pie, so I’m going to make that from scratch. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever made that one from scratch before but I’m going to give it a go.
Little Bear and I were going to give making pumpkin pies from scratch a go too since we have three pie pumpkins but the blender got broken and he really loves the store bought pies from our local store. He saw them while we were shopping and asked if we could get those pies instead. I guess we can make those pies later when things calm down and I’m not so stressed and grumpy? I bought those pies too.
Just three questions to answer each day. This exercise comes from Jacob Nordby’s ebook from his Creative Cure program. The intent is to tap in and communicate with your creative self. And my therapist says it may be worth me giving it a try. So here we are. Feel free in joining me with exploring these daily questions. The ebook includes a guided meditation to use so if you can get your hands on it, you can make use of it along with this. exercise. I’m not affiliated with this organization, nor do I receive any benefit by sharing their link.