Okay, so one of the things I have an issue with – because it used to work for me but now it doesn’t – is scheduling the mood tracker to go live at a certain time. It used to be that it would motivated me to keep them filled out on time so that they wouldn’t be blank when they got posted.
The more independent my children become, the more erratic my personal routine is – much the way it had been before having children to be honest. The more I look back at my past, the more I come to realize just how much of an absent minded flake I must have really been. Kind of sheds some light on why my parents respond to me the way they do even now. To them, in their highly organized lives, I must seem terribly lost.
I was never a helicopter parent and now that the boys are teens, I’m completely comfortable with the idea of being a total and 100% free ranged one even though none of them ever really leave the house. We seem to be a herd of home bodies over here for the most part. I don’t know how that came to be but I am at least content and at peace with knowing everyone is safe doing their own thing.
In any case, I think I will keep future mood trackers as drafts from now on so that they can be posted when I’m actually ready to have them go live. This will probably mean that they will become a bit erratic, but I will try to avoid that as much as I can.
Mood Score Key:
Sliding Hypomania = 1 ~ Hypomania = 2 ~ Mania = 3 ~ Baseline (My Normal) = 0
Sliding Depression = -1 ~ Depression = -2 ~ Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State
Energy Score Key:
Low = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ High = 1
Irritation Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Anxiety Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Migraine Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A ~ Normal Headache Pain or Pressure = h
Joint Pain Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Tingling = T
Sleep Quality Score Key:
Bad = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ Great = 1
Special Notes for the Week
Menses Start Date: 01/15/2023
Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~
Sunday ~ January 15, 2023
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep:
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity & Time
Meds Taken
Meals
Today’s Feelings
Notes
Monday ~ January 16, 2023
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep:
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity & Time
Meds Taken
Meals
Today’s Feelings
Notes
Tuesday ~ January 17, 2023
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep:
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity & Time
Meds Taken
Meals
Today’s Feelings
Notes
Wednesday ~ January 18, 2023
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep:
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity & Time
Meds Taken
Meals
Today’s Feelings
Notes
Thursday ~ January 19, 2023
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 2Ah ~ Joint Pain: 2
Hours of Sleep: 12am, up at 5:30am – 5.5 total hours
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity & Time
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 20mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 10mg Vyvanse @ 7am
- 600mg Ibuprofen @7:30am
- 75mg Topamax @ 9pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 9pm
- 10mg Zyrtec @ 9pm
Meals
- coffee
Today’s Feelings
- content about my romantic life
- content about how things are with my children
- ashamed about the state of my home and how far behind I am with housework, the unpacking (still), and even behind taking down Christmas decorations
- proud that I’ve been able to teach myself how to make mods for Minecraft by finding various tutorials and troubleshoot the problems I’ve run into on my own to make it work
- constantly worried about whether I am doing Little Bear right with homeschooling
- am I good enough?
- am I just lazy by going the unschooling, student led method?
- do we need a more structured approach?
- is he ever going to master reading?
- am I good enough to teach him more than just basic math skills?
- troubled about my blog
- my desire is to be truly authentic with whatever I post here
- what is real and true to the heart of me?
- at my very heart, I do many things
- I write short stories and poetry
- I code once in awhile
- I tinker with 3D animation once in awhile
- I read tarot
- I homeschool
- I play video games
- I even occasionally compose music
- at my very heart, I do many things
- what are my roots?
- my roots have always been to explore, learn, create, and express
- what are my intentions?
- I intend to continue to explore, learn, create, and express
- what is my true “why”?
- I believe my true “why” has always been to create and hold space to explore and express concepts and ideas between others in whatever setting I happen to be in
- I think this is why, even though I worry about it everyday, I am able to homeschool my children and it ends up working out in the long run
- I think this is why a part of me feels lately that I should be sharing my homeschooling journey more on the blog
- the process, the struggle, what we’re learning, the projects I come up with – even if Little Bear ends up not interested in them (which tends to be often), the teachable moments I come across throughout the day, etc.
- I mean, after all, we are doing the portfolio method so all this stuff has to be documented anyway, and it would be easier for me if I was documenting it all as we go in one place and I might as well be documenting somewhere that might be useful or interesting to someone else
- yes, I did tell my therapist this week that most days I feel like my every day life is relatively boring now that I’m divorced and no longer really have anything to bitch, piss, moan, and rant about
- but, she made a good point: for the people that have been following me since the beginning, don’t they deserve to know that we’ve been doing well? shouldn’t they get to know that we are doing okay and are having those quiet peaceful moments now? that I don’t have anything to bitch about? that I have a reason to just sigh and smile and be content?
- I know that I suck with keeping touch more often than not, but there are people that I follow and it does make me smile to see them doing well, to just see them post a quick note about something good happening even if it’s just a simple thing
- it’s good to be reminded that good things happen in the world even when we think they are boring things that are happening to us, I think my therapist is right, I think it’s important to remind each other that these good things do happen
- I want to be that reminder more often, even if I think it’s boring, normal, and everyday to me
- yes, storms happen in our lives, but pockets of calm and peace happen too – they’re quiet and easy to overlook
- yes, I did tell my therapist this week that most days I feel like my every day life is relatively boring now that I’m divorced and no longer really have anything to bitch, piss, moan, and rant about
- I mean, after all, we are doing the portfolio method so all this stuff has to be documented anyway, and it would be easier for me if I was documenting it all as we go in one place and I might as well be documenting somewhere that might be useful or interesting to someone else
- the process, the struggle, what we’re learning, the projects I come up with – even if Little Bear ends up not interested in them (which tends to be often), the teachable moments I come across throughout the day, etc.
- my dad had convinced me years ago that it was unsafe to present the real me online in any way, but my sisters are doing that on their blogs as I write this, and I never hid the fact that they were my sisters before they posted names or photos, so it defeats the purpose of being anonymous here now
- to be clear, I’m not upset with them – in fact, I support their decision
- a part of me wants to step into the light so to speak and stand openly with them too
- I want to stop worrying about shit that doesn’t seem to matter
- I want to feel connected and be a part of a community
- I also want to honor and respect the wishes and feelings of my sons
- so if they don’t want their names and photos posted, they will not be posted
Notes
- plans for today:
- to work on converting the basic block entity of my glass kiln into an abstract furnace in my current Minecraft Forge mod
- get mood tracker posts for this year set up and ready to go since I need to get back on track with my self care and the mood tracker has always been the best way for me to hold myself accountable and seeing trends of what is and isn’t working
- I’ve also starting to believe that since I’ve been off my meds for the past few months that the migraines have come back often enough and aren’t giving me any wiggle room now when it comes to missing my meds – like I have no buffer when it comes to that right now
- I don’t know yet if this is because I have started taking Vyvanse with the other meds or if it’s because I’ve fucked up and been negligent pretty much since October about taking meds
- all I know is even though the migraines aren’t every day, it’s often enough for it to be disruptive and intrusive to whatever I want to do with my life
- like, it hits, goes away for a day, comes back but not as hard, etc.
- and this isn’t even taking into account the full body “run over by a steam roller” feeling that comes with all this
- vertigo, nausea, brain fog, fucking blurred vision
- it all does make you wish in that moment you didn’t exist because it hurts so much
- not dead, exactly, but definitely NOT in your body where the pain is
- there are people in my life that are incapable of holding space for this topic
- like god forbid if I were to ever say such a thing out loud
- no, I don’t want to die – but seriously, who the fuck ever wants to be in this much pain on a daily basis?
- not dead, exactly, but definitely NOT in your body where the pain is
- I did take a break from the project to spend some time with Iron Knight this evening
- it was nice since it felt like we haven’t really seen each other in a long while
Friday ~ January 20, 2023
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: didn’t sleep last night and didn’t crash until 3pm
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity & Time
Meds Taken
- no meds taken
Meals
- coffee
- canned chicken
- leftover pancakes
Today’s Feelings
- mostly frustration while focused and absorbed in the project
Notes
- worked on the Tode Villagers mod project all day
- I need to roll it back and start it over
- I think I seriously need to simplify my process
- instead of trying to do the furnace the way other people are doing it and modifying it to my needs that has tools and multiple slots, I need to keep my slot checks and steps basic in a way that makes sense to me
- like, it doesn’t make sense to me that this tutorial series I’ve been following has you serialize your recipes before you’ve got energy management set but I understand that for the way he does things, it makes total sense
Saturday ~ January 21, 2023
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0 ~ Joint Pain: 0
Hours of Sleep: up at 4am – 12 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity & Time
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 4am
- 20mg Propranolol @ 4am
- 10mg Vyvanse @ 4am
- 75mg Topamax @ 10pm
- 20mg Propranolol @ 10pm
- 10mg Zyrtec @ 10pm
Meals
- coffee
- I tried those pizza Baoazz things in the store today, they were good
Today’s Feelings
Notes
- still working on the mod
- spent some time with Iron Knight
- played chess
- watched some episodes of Way of the Househusband