What do I need to be aware of and keep in mind as I work on getting back on track to a better state of well being?

Spread: Chaos Rally

Deck: Legacy of the Divine Tarot

I already know that I need to start taking my meds daily consistently.

I also know that I need to get my sleep back onto a functional schedule.

I need to find a dentist that will take care of my teeth.

I need to get back on a schedule with an OMT to reduce the pain I feel every day.

Just found out today that it’s been in my medical records for quite some time now that they have me marked down as disabled. No idea why nothing about it was said to me – nothing was said about services or about filing for disability or anything. They just have me marked down as disabled and left it as that. If they hadn’t set up that online portal, I would have never known about this at all.

And now? I don’t even know how I feel around all of this. Does this mean I need to or should file for disability? I mean, I haven’t worked a regular job since Little Bear was born and I struggle to be consistent with any sort of freelance or gig type of work. As it is, I struggle to be consistent with this blog.

Money is certainly an issue. Not something I enjoy discussing even when things are going well. At the moment, my budget cannot handle the cost of the business package on WordPress. This means I need to let it expire this month and allow the ads to come back on the blog, as much as I hate that. I just can’t afford to pay the money to keep them off here right now. And for some people, this might not seem like a big deal, but when you live in the boonies, ads slow your connection way down. I’d rather they weren’t there. Aside from some plugins, this was all I used it for.

As it is, I haven’t written much of anything this year which bothers me a little. Yes, I’ve been modding in Minecraft Java since November of last year and using that to teach my son various things in homeschool, but does that really count as beating or overcoming writer’s block? I don’t know. I do know that I enjoy learning and creating things, so perhaps in the end that’s all that really matters.

I’m downloading a backup of the blog before cancelling the plan since I’m not entirely sure what all will change once I do. The site says something about setting the blog to private and reverting it? I will need to change it back to public if that’s the case, but I don’t entirely understand what reverting it means.

At least by backing up the blog, I will have all my posts on file, just in case. It’s almost 50G in total so I hope I will be able to unzip it and browse through it once it’s downloaded.

I know I’ve had to do this once before due to lack of funds and it wasn’t the end of the world. I remember losing some features that were a bit inconvenient to lose, like the ability to easily copy my template posts I’ve created with a single click. But I haven’t been writing much lately (I feel like this is a mantra at this point) and trying to figure out recently what it actually means for me to be truly authentic on my blog.

What I want is if you follow my blog, it’s because you like and appreciate the real me and the things I share here – not some pretend me that has fallen into a pattern of masked behavior chasing likes.

What good does that do anyone? Certainly doesn’t do me any good. I don’t even like asking people to pay for the things I create. Advertising always ends up feeling like begging to me on my end. Don’t know why, but it does. But writers get paid for their work every day and I know there is nothing wrong with that. Same with programmers. So I think I am okay with the tipping system I have set up now along with the Patreon page I have for some of the more selective stuff I choose to share there.

So tip me if you’d like. It will help pay for a can of coffee at the grocery store – store brand – that I brew and drink at home. Yes, for real, because going somewhere for coffee generally freaks me out. As it is, I usually have someone go with me when I go grocery shopping now. I say it’s because I need help with lifting, which is true, but it’s mostly because being out and about is a pain, a hassle, and generally overwhelming. No matter how short I keep the shopping trip, I end up coming home completely exhausted now.

I try to tell myself I am well and “normal” because I can at least get out of the house, but I’m not always so sure if that’s true at this point. There are days that even when I want to be out and about and social, my body hurts so fucking much I simply can’t do it. How is this even close to normal? How is this even well? When did my body fall apart like this? How did this even creep up on me without me noticing? Like, I probably noticed, but was so busy with other shit that it didn’t feel important at the time. Or in some cases that I can remember, like my shoulder, were I did go in to have it checked only to be told “we don’t know, go home and don’t use it until the pain goes away” type of thing. And they’ve done this to me more than once. The problem is, the pain hasn’t gone away and the range of motion it has is declining. This morning I woke up feeling like it was on fire.

I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t really feel like calling or seeing them about anything. Like why bother if they’re just going to send me home with nothing. I don’t even go in asking for pain meds because they don’t fucking work. I go in asking what the problem is and ask them how to make it go away. And maybe that’s why I get sent home with nothing. I’ve been through physical therapy for my shoulder more than once now. Still the problem persists.

I did eventually find a list of exercises online for my hips regarding the SI joint and how to keep it in proper alignment. No one has ever said anything to me about it since it’s supposed to be a fused and immobile joint, but pregnancy and serious injuries can cause that joint to become mobile and thus allow it to shift out of place. By doing a few simple isotonic exercises, I can keep the damn thing were it belongs for me. I don’t worry about falling while walking like I was starting to feel last year. My left hip doesn’t hurt anymore and feels stable now.

I just wish I could say the same about my left shoulder. I wish I knew what is going on with it and what I need to do to get it right. Just rolling over in my sleep is enough to cause shooting sharp pain that wakes me up. I haven’t slept all that well in the last month and a half.

And I know this is a big reason I haven’t been writing much. It feels like every time I sit down to write it’s just a flood of negative shit comes out of me. My brain says I should be positive and inspirational. It also says I should be honest and real. But being positive feels fake and being negative feels ugly to me. I suppose this is something about myself I just need to embrace if I want to be truly authentic.

But all that aside, sometimes I’ll buy myself soda instead. Either way, it’s always a source of caffeine and sugar for me. It’s the fuel for all creative minds I guess? Surely I can’t be the only one in this. Hell, tip me enough and I may even be able to buy some cinnamon rolls to go with that coffee, or maybe even a new tarot deck to share here on the blog.

I know it’s just simple things, but personally I’ve found it’s the simple things that make me happy.

I’ve thought about this for a long time. Who am I? What am I doing here and why? What does it mean to be liked and valued for your mind rather than your appearance and why does this matter to me so much anyway? Why do I get so hung up on the gender I was born with? At the end of the day, does any of it even really matter? (And why do I keep asking if any one particular thing matters so much?)

Because I was born female, I was able to give birth to three precious sons even after being told I was sterile. Five pregnancies and only three of them made it. Words alone cannot express the feeling of tears behind that.

I love my sons. I think they are all amazing. I was told with each of them that they would never do certain things or reach certain milestones, but here they are – slowly but surely, doing things and reaching milestones on their timeline.

Will they ever be considered “normal”? No. Will they ever not be disabled? Again, no. But this doesn’t stop me from seeing how amazing they are. The human spirit truly is profound and they remind me of this every day. How often could they have just said, “fuck it” and quit? Or worse, died? How often have I done that very thing?

So when I focus on this, the profoundness of the human spirit, I don’t find myself sinking into despair the way I did before they were born. Or maybe it’s because I’ve received treatment for Bipolar and depression that I’m able to see it at all, because even when things were truly bad in my marriage, I don’t think I lost sight of it, but I know there were times I had before they were born.

It kind of reminds me of the anime, Fruits Basket – the newest one – where the characters often get into this topic and talk about how none of us are born with a reason to live or with a purpose, that it’s something we create for ourselves or discover and it can change over time.

And I don’t know why, but even though those words always make me cry every time I watch that series, I also find it very comforting to hear and think about. To just know that it’s okay to not know and be in the process of discovery. To look at the people you love and say to yourself, “for now you are my purpose and reason for living” or maybe it’s simply just being able to watch the next sunrise or sunset with your favorite beverage and notepad in hand. Maybe in that moment, it’s simply to lay down and meditate with your favorite music playing.

Does it really ever need to be more complicated than that?

Funny, I write all this down and I haven’t even drawn a single card for the reading I intended to do yet. Is this due to my ADHD or is it because Spirit/Universe/God/Whatever wanted me to explore my inner being for a change? Something I’ve pretty much avoided doing since the last time Iron Knight and I broke up before getting back together again.

Yeah, we’re back together again, and strangely enough, there’s no more of the push-pull or demand-withdraw type of fighting we used to have. We still have arguments and disagreements but they are nothing like they were back then.

I finally made some realizations and made the commitment to myself to walk away if anything starts to go down a dark path that brings out the worst in me. Doesn’t matter who or what. I can’t allow myself to go there anymore. Others can do whatever it is they feel they need to do, but I need to focus on what is best for me, and that means, letting the “dark dragon” sleep in peace. I’m not at war anymore so it doesn’t need to rise up. And that was the major realization I had: I’m not at war anymore and whatever other people’s internal battles are, they are not mine to fight.

No matter how much I want to, I cannot save you from your inner demons any more than you can save me from mine. Just like I cannot ever really control how you perceive me or how you feel about me.

So this applies to everyone I interact with, not just him. Sometimes I don’t do as well as I would like, but I feel as though this is a skill I am finally mastering.

I don’t feel like I am chasing after anyone for their approval or understanding like I used to. Not even my parents. I’ve noticed that I’ve even stopped trying to get my mother to understand certain things about me. I’ve come to realize that the inherent problem wasn’t me, my diplomacy, or my communication skills, but what it triggers inside her – or inside others for that matter. I have no control over that.

I could be doing everything “right” in the “diplomacy book” or the “communication guide” and still come across completely all “wrong” because of whatever it is they’ve got going on inside of themselves. To be clear, this doesn’t make them bad or evil, because I know there are times people have tried to convey things to me that I was simply not in the headspace to receive. And I know now that there is a healthy way to inform people of this and an unhealthy way.

So… I can either let go of the need to get it “right” and “win” whatever approval or understanding I’ve been chasing after for so long, or I can continue to get hooked into that mindless loop of agony that serves absolutely no one.

I don’t know. Part of me feels like if nothing else, I should try to write a journal entry in here more often. If for no other reason than to get my thoughts straight and sorted out and my mind more clear. Just free form writing – without templates. I don’t really want to box myself into anything.

And I still haven’t done the tarot reading I sat down to do.

1. Ten of Swords
2. The Moon
3. Five of Cups
4. Knight of Wands (reversed)

Normally, I don’t bother doing reversed cards, but somehow I feel this time it’s relevant. And for now, I think I will leave all this here as is. Partly because I somehow feel that the answer is already in here for me to think on. Maybe I will come back a bit later to share my thoughts on this particular spread.

And… maybe I have simply spent far too much time wondering what the fuck I’m doing with myself and with my life as it is.