I haven’t posted a personal entry here in what feels like ages. Just a lot going on – in my head at least it seems. Having said life here is pretty much the same as it has been over here.

Not sure if I mentioned it in a previous post or not, but my parents moved into a house next door. I forget when exactly, but this has been the second winter that it’s been just the boys and I here. Lots of reasons for this move but primarily due to my aunt that couldn’t live there any more. Not sure of all the details behind what caused her to fall, but ultimately the doctor deemed her unable to live on her own anymore so arrangements were made for her to live in a nursing home. So Dad now goes shopping over that way so he can swing by and visit her too. So yeah, my parents are now living in the place my late grandmother and aunt used to live in so it stays in the family and doesn’t rot from lack of use.

Dad gave everyone a scare not long ago. Mom thought it was his heart again, but it turned out to be his gall bladder causing him to go septic. He’s home and doing better now. Still waiting to see a specialist about the gall bladder and what the next steps should be. Due to his heart, he’s not considered a great candidate for surgery so all the pros and cons need to be heavily weighed and compared with other possible alternatives, if any.

I still worry about whether or not I’m doing right by my youngest son, Little Bear, in homeschooling him. Am I doing enough? Am I covering subjects properly? Etc., etc., etc. I think this will be a chronic concern that amplifies every spring when evaluations draw near. I know the fact that I worry means I care, but I also know that good intentions alone are not enough. What I do know for sure is that Little Bear’s behavior has dramatically improved. Gone are the frightening and stressful days we once had. He appears happy and doesn’t fight over every little thing. So if nothing else, I’ve done something right in that regard.

My oldest son, Scholar Owl, was recently diagnosed with Autism at the beginning of the year. That makes all three boys now. I don’t have an official Autism diagnosis, but the odds of me not having it at this point, when all three boys have a different father, is pretty low. Not sure how hard I want to push for a screening. It’s weird feeling like I get more help and support when I’m looking after the boys than I do looking after myself.

It seems like doctors are quick to dismiss and blow me off about any of my health concerns or problems. Earlier this year, Iron Knight took me to ER because I was feeling a fluttering pain near the pelvic bone all day long. The only thing the staff bothered to do was a pregnancy blood test, which naturally came back negative, and sent me home with the reason for treatment filled out as “anxiety over health.” Not long after, I went to see the OBGYN, who also didn’t really seem to address this concern but insisted I have my tubes taken out. The context behind this is that my maternal grandmother had her 14th child one year after I was born. My mother was 25 years old at the time. The doctor said I could easily be fertile for at least another decade. So fine, I agreed to have it done. Not because I felt pushed in any direction this time, but because of the problems I have with my joints, the hips in particular, along with my mental health. During the surgery to strip out my tubes, two large cysts were also found and removed. That weird fluttering movement I kept feeling periodically? That’s completely gone now. Come to find out, my mother had a lemon-sized cyst removed at one point too. And yes, that’s something that would have shown up in an ultra sound – something the ER folks didn’t bother to do that quiet night.

So now Iron Knight is pissed. He doesn’t think it’s right that I could take him in for a tick bite and they took it seriously and treated him immediately, with meds and everything, but sent me home saying it might be IBS and a note stating it’s just my anxiety. And yeah, they didn’t bother testing for IBS either.

But like I told him, this is how it is for women, people of color, the disabled, the obese, the elderly, and the LGBT+ community. And if you happen to cross over in any of these groups, the problem around this escalates. It’s just the way it is here in the states. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

I shouldn’t need to have my father come with me to the dentist just to make sure I don’t get blown off and left with broken teeth untreated as an adult. But that’s what it’s come to. That’s how severe this issue is.

And then people wonder why the world is so angry. This is only a small tip of an iceberg of things that people desire and need change. I don’t have the answers for any of it, but I do agree that something needs to shift.