Fucked If I Know

I don’t know what’s going on with me right now. Is it just me struggling with the break up? Struggling with the transition of my parents moving out of the house and me taking over it all on my own? The fact that my ex-husband is supposed to be showing up for his visit any moment now? Seasonal Bipolar episode? The on-going bullshit that is Covid? All of it? None of it?

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Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2022-01

I am behind on the blog. So very far behind on the blog. Still swamped with trying to unpack my own stuff from storage. I don’t have this month’s story written for my Patreon written yet. I feel so very overwhelmed. The anxiety levels are reaching the point of terror. To say that I feel like a disappointment and a failure is grossly understated and inadequate for what’s going on with me inside right now. My brain, my thoughts, will not pull together to focus on any one thing long enough to get anything functional done. I’m angry and frustrated. Usually by this time of year I have most, if not all, of my writing prompt posts written and scheduled for the year. That’s not even close to the case this year right now. It feels like everything is blowing up in my face right now and I’m just wrecking everything. Like I’m waiting to drown in my storm as I’m scrambling to salvage the debris to reconstruct some semblance of normalcy and control, when there is none. And all of this is internal. No matter how much coffee I drink, I cannot clear the clutter in my head. My thoughts are that scattered right now. What triggered this? Fucked if I know. Probably just that I simply reach my max capacity limit to cope with everything that is going on in the world for all of us right now. We all have a limit. And of course, it hits at the worst possible time. We never have it hit when we have the time to recharge, recoup, or replace our batteries. So in a way, I think it’s an excellent lesson for me regarding self-care and how I approach and manage that aspect of my life. Am I making sure my batteries are being recharged daily so I can prevent or mitigate episodes like this one? How am I attempting to do that? Is it effective? Because like I keep saying, you can’t pour from an empty cup. I’m still going to work on shit, because I know me well enough that my anxiety and dread will only mount and climb higher until I get this shit taken care of. It’s bad enough that sometimes my posts don’t go live when they’re scheduled to. It’s even worse when they don’t even get written. And you as the reader don’t even know what’s going on. So right now, that’s what’s going on. I’m not doing well. But I’m owning my shit and doing my best to get this back on track.

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Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2021-52

If peace is supposed to mean uneventful, then I’m not liking it. I don’t miss any of the drama I once had in my life, but I am beginning to feel bored for the first time in I don’t know. I don’t know what to fill this void with, but if exciting or interesting means drama then I guess I need to look for something else. Because I also don’t wish for life to become tedious in quiet.

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Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2021-50

I know I haven’t written anything personal in a long time. Things have been hectic all this month and this week has been no exception. I haven’t even done anything for Christmas yet it’s been that bad. I’m up to my eyeballs in the task of moving. I’m not relocating, but my parents are. All of the utilities have been switched over to my name at this point, so it’s the real deal this time. Even so, Dad keeps saying that they may have to move back in. So my anxiety levels are high right now. I haven’t even really given myself the chance to emotionally process everything. But, like all the times before, I’ll push straight through since it has always been the way out of chaos in my experience. Wait, what am I talking about? Since the day I was born, my life has been a constant flux of chaos. Any calm I come across is the sort that comes before another storm. I don’t know why I expect it to be any different at this point.

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