Sunday Musings

So I’m popping in because I feel like I have been doing nothing here other than lurking. That bothers me. Why is it as of late that I feel no desire to share what’s going on in my life? I’ve been using this blog like a journal and it’s been cathartic in many respects. So why the change now? Do I fear that my life is boring? Do I fear sounding repetitious? Or it is that I just lack motivation? Damned if I know. Continue reading “Sunday Musings”

TGIF Chaos Rally #8

I’m sliding. I can feel it. I’m certain of it. I see the decline of interest in even with my mood tracker. An over all sense of “Fuck It” in everything I do. There is a stinging threat of tears beneath my skin at every turn. The ever present ache and discomfort in each joint making me feel older than my body is. I’m tired so damn tired… but sleep is no friend of mine. My thoughts feel tangled and sticky, caught in the wind – tethered by a single thread. One gust my thoughts would be lost and with it my heart ripped out. A teacup lost in the ocean storm with no sight of the shore. I’m lost.

Today the songs at the top of the list are my beacon of light, reminding me I’m not alone and this too shall pass. Not sure just yet what needs to be done to rebalance my brain, but I’ll get there. No storm lasts forever. Continue reading “TGIF Chaos Rally #8”

Self-Reflection on Anger & Mood Cycles

It’s midnight and I can feel the slide toward depression starting to happen – or at least creep up on me. I don’t know how exactly to describe how this feels. It’s kind of like gears are slowing down and something inside me is sinking. You know like a steampunk elevator with fancy hydraulics so when it runs out of steam it doesn’t suddenly bottom out on you – although that has happened to me before too. I’m hoping it’s not a total crash. I’m hoping I’m just going back to baseline and just land gently on my feet. Maybe even rest a bit in the grass. Continue reading “Self-Reflection on Anger & Mood Cycles”

Ramblings – Mostly of Food

Of course my husband called the same night I posted about him not calling 5 days after the hurricane to talk to the boys but refused to talk to me. Fuck him. Pretty certain now he is watching this blog. Given the fact in one day he friended over 20 people on my list over on Facebook I don’t know why I thought it would be safe to mention this blog over there. Didn’t help the boys mentioned it over the phone either. They were excited and proud I was doing something that makes me happy so I can’t blame them. I could move the blog but what good would it do me? Nothing. Continue reading “Ramblings – Mostly of Food”

Burnt Out

I’ve been feeling burnt out on a level I personally can barely comprehend much less express. Maybe this is what depression is for me now that I am taking the Topamax? Not sure. It’s not anything like I have felt before. It’s not the depths of despair I am familiar with. It’s not the usual angry angst. It’s just this listless, useless, wasting type of shit that’s lingering over me. Actually come to think of it, I have felt this way before. The last time I lived with my parents. But I had other symptoms piled on top of this. I had dark, busy and paranoid thoughts. I had a deep rooted fear of sleep and what my dreams would bring. I was actively fighting with my husband, face to face. Continue reading “Burnt Out”

A Changed Brain

I talked to my sister very late last night, which was nice since I couldn’t sleep due to my youngest, the Little Bear (yes I think I will be calling him this in my posts from now on much in the same way I call myself the Toad), was still up and running around even after being given Clonidine. Only 0.5mg but since he calmed down I didn’t see the need to give him another one. It wasn’t prescribed for sleep, just for aggression. I was just hoping it would make him sleep. I suppose it just shows how cranked he was before I gave it to him. I didn’t get to go to bed until 6am this morning when my oldest son got up and said he could watch Little Bear. Continue reading “A Changed Brain”